To one who would never think I mean him...

Sometimes when I kiss my husband I close my eyes and imagine it's you. Sometimes I turn off the lights when I take him in my mouth and pretend it's your cock against my tongue. I'll lay in bed talking to him and open my eyes for a second expecting to see your face. I look over at him once in a while and wonder what it would be like if it was you there, instead. I wonder how you'd look at me. I wonder how things would be between us.

And then I check the casualty reports to make sure you're not actually dead, that you're still out there.

Maybe thinking of me.

The Fingers

I was watching some show on E! or Style or something tonight. In it, a rather average looking man (I kept having to ask myself if he was gay) had a segment about him. He was certainly NOT the sort of man I find attractive-- not my vision of masculine enough. However, he was rather quiet and soothing in his own way. He gave the female star of the segment a massage. And I found myself suddenly drooling all over this man. As I watched his oiled fingers gliding over the woman's soft skin I was thinking to myself about what it must be like to be him, to put his hands all over this naked woman's skin, to give all of this intense pleasure and yet get none directly in return. What must it be like to be allowed to touch these women and know they would never let him touch them outside that room. At least, not at first....

It was shocking to me how my body reacted. A slave of sorts. But if a man with those amazing hands were to offer a happy ending, offer to fuck me hard... well... I'm not one to deny him that mutual pleasure.

And then the thoughts just reminded me of what I'm missing in my own sex life. Someone willing to spend lots of time on me, now and again. I'm willing to trade off, I swear....

Girl Can't Help It...

Yeah, I'm listening to Journey and I'm NOT ashamed of it!

For whatever reason, I'm taking this period of joblessness pretty well. I still haven't told the management around here about the mold. That'll be tomorrow. As things stand, I'm cleaning, going through all the stuff we moved here with all those months ago and donating the stuff we don't need or want anymore and reorganizing the rest. With every unpacked box, every foot of floor space uncovered, I'm feeling lighter, more refreshed. Like just maybe there's hope... hope in everything.

The other night, husband got me a little drunk. It was mutual, really. We haven't gotten drunk in... a long time. Months? A year? I can't really remember. "You always get horny when you drink," he reminded me. I had to laugh at that. He's right, though. Unfortunately, it was also the first, most painful day of my period. However, being his good oral-sex giving wife, I was on my knees before too long.

Eventually I got bored of straining to suck him on the bed and led him out into the living room and pushed him into the lay-z-boy. I popped in one of my mainstream porn tapes (something random and reasonably non-offensive, though I jokingly told him it was gay porn since the first several minutes involve a group of men all talking) and set back to work. It wasn't too long until a porn starlet was on her knees before her costar, working his cock like the pro she so obviously is. I took my cue and redoubled my efforts, feeling his cock thicken and harden under my ministrations. Eventually he came, and lay back while I got a towel for him and cleaned myself off.

We spent the rest of the night in good moods as I came down from my buzz and he recovered from his sexual high. It was like a very pleasant night of vacation from everything for the both of us, and perhaps one of the best nights we've had together in years.

Life comes at you fast...

I was pretty much forced to quit my job. I walk away a wiser person, a better employee and a better supervisor. However, that doesn't pay the bills.

I've discovered a terrible mildew/mold problem along a wall in the living room. It's eaten at the bottom of my filing cabinet. I'm pissed. I'm going to have to move all the boxes and other sundries from around it so I can show it to the apartment maintenance guy. I suspect minor pressure could make a small section of the drywall cave in. The carpet under the cabinet is moldy black. Did I mention I'm pissed?

Meanwhile, husband is hornier than usual. Me? The exact opposite. Stress does nothing for my libido. Stress has been constant since the move out here. It's NOT getting better. So, I've been doing my part to "tend to" my husband's needs without having to go through the trouble of pretending to want to get fucked. Besides, there are few things more annoying than his litany that I need to "teach him how to use a condom." Like they're some fucking great, new technology that one needs to take a class on, or something. Shit, I don't even want to have sex, why in the hell would I want to "teach" him to use a condom? Fuck that.

My sister is still looking for booty calls online. My husband is taking ideas from her, searching craigslist with a vague sense of hope and embarrassment for a sexual partner besides myself. Am I pissy about it? You bet. For the last how many years, I've been begging him for sex on a regular basis until I just completely gave up and now all of a sudden he's become affectionate and suddenly oversexed... you know, when I want nothing to do with any of it anymore.

My life is bordering on the absurd.

Maybe it's already passed over that cliff.

Not very accurate psychological survey.

1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. With who?

Husband

2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?

Squirrel (grey)

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal.

It looks at me curiously and scampers up a tree.

4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house. Describe it.

It's a house just like the one in "house sitter." Exactly. But bigger.

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?

No.

6. You enter the house. You walk in to the dining room and see the dining room table. What do you see on AND around it?

Candle sticks, place settings, tea set. Chairs around, carpeting.


7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?

Plastic, insulated. Translucent purple.

8. What do you do with the cup?

Leave it.

9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. what kind of body of water is it?

A small-ish lake. Much bigger than a pond, but the shore is completely visible.

10. How will you cross the water?

I'll swim.

THE "KEY"
1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important person in your life.
2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life.
3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.
4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.
5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not drop by unannounced.
6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.
7. The durability of the material the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.
8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude.
9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.
10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life.

So lately, I've spent my time running to and from work. Those 9 hour days plus travel time (which can be anywhere from 40 minutes round trip to two hours on bad days) are kind of killer. Not to mention the unpredictability of what time of day those 9 hours start. Will it be 6am or 2pm? Or somewhere in between? It's a toss up. Needless to say, though I do have warning as to what my upcoming shifts are going to be, it doesn't make my sleep schedule anymore predictable, which means I spend most days tired as hell even before I go to work.

My weekends have been spent out with my husband and the dogs. I always swore when we came back home I'd make it a point to be more active and get out and do all the things I did as a teenager, but was unable to do as a young adult. Having the dogs has gone a long way toward realizing that. For the last month, each of my days off have included several hours wandering around the dog park. As the weather clears, hopefully we'll manage to take a few day trips. Heck we might even manage a camp out for a weekend. That'd be great.

I'm working hard on improving my attitude toward my husband. We spend an awful lot of time together since he's not been working and he's quite depressed. Getting out as been very good for both of us, but my attitude toward him over the last several years hasn't been very good and since things are currently magnified and our lives have become abnormally intertwined I see that it's been more harmful than helpful. I'm working to change that.

Which isn't to say I'm not still thinking about fucking various and sundry men. I'm just realistic in knowing now just isn't a great time for it.

I'm watching my sister do many of the same things I've done over the last few years in attempting to find someone to fuck regularly in an NSA fashion. I swear to god she's talking to a lot of the same guys. It's almost laughable, and it's helping me to not mind so much about the fact that I'm not looking. While I feel a certain longing for the thrill, I'm glad not to be talking to the crazies, including the guy who asked her if she'd be his girlfriend before they'd even had a single online conversation, let alone met in real life. Stuff like that, I can definitely do without....