Lost

Unexpectedly, DB's vanilla girlfriend who "wanted to take it slow" made the first move and they ended up in bed. His decision, well known to me, was that once he fucked her he wouldn't fuck me anymore. So with her move, I lost him.

It's been a hard few days. First, going through the despair that I would never get to talk to him again or see him at all. And of course, knowing that the source of my greatest orgasms was thoroughly taken away from me, never to happen again. That was tough. I cried. I cried for two days. I want to cry now.

I've begun to heal, of course. I knew this was coming and I know I can find someone else out there who will touch me in such wonderful ways. Maybe I won't fall in love with him but I will certainly get to enjoy all the sexual freedom I had with DB. And hopefully more.

Nothing to lose

Because he's leaving me, I really have nothing to lose with him anymore. I'm free to do or say whatever makes me happy, knowing if it alienates DB it just means less dragging out of the end of our relationship. Less pain for me, really.

I'm working on some self-help kind of things, listening to music that will help me get through, practicing guided meditation to get over all this. I even talked to one of my friends who by virtue of being a sounding board reminded me that I can't keep DB anyway. No matter how much I want him.

And so, bit by bit, I'm showing my real self to DB. The neurotic parts. The clingy, needy girl who hungers for love and attention. All the parts that I know he's denied exist. And then he'll be gone without regret.

I'm slowly peeling away the shiny chromed out veneer and forcing myself to look at the rusted, dirty parts. And before I know it my love for DB will be replaced by the disappointment and blankness that is so familiar.

Since DB is leaving me, I've been looking for his "replacement." Now, I think we both know that I think he's irreplaceable. But I digress.

There's a man I've been with a few times. We have decent chemistry. I think he, like most men, likes how much I come, these days. But I'm not *that* into him. There's are a lot of things I like about him and the sex. And a handful I don't. The chemistry is quite nice. But he's not really quite what I'm looking for.

So I keep looking. And it's not an easy search. Especially because I can't count on DB to break up with me at any particular time. It cold be days or weeks or even months. But it's inevitable, just as it was when we first started seeing each other.

Of course DB is leaving me...

DB had found himself a vanilla girl. They've gone out twice. I think tomorrow is going to be their third date.  Obviously, he's looking for a wife (and future mother) so he's taking things slowly and carefully with her. But I also know he fucks on the first date. So maybe all the waiting is her.

He said she's only had three lovers. I assume she's over thirty. I could be wrong. By that time my number was closer to 15.
She's the Madonna. I'm much more the whore.

He told me about their dates and I cried. I cried for two days, terrified of losing him and knowing it was all coming to a grand, terrible conclusion.

I've been so happy. He's been my perfect lover. The best I've ever had. Something hard if not impossible to top. And I've loved him for so long, now. Losing him breaks my heart.

He swears we will have to stay friends. I want that, too. As much as I value the sex, I value him immensely as a friend, too. But it's not just the sex I'll miss (though I well miss that a lot) but the intimacy.

We were cuddling earlier in the evening and he told me how much he likes being there with me in that way. And I finally told him he needed to stop saying things like that. "Stop being nice!" I told him. "Why? What happens if I keep saying nice things to you?" He asked. I can't remember what my initial reply was. Or maybe I just came out with it. "It makes you leaving me that much harder for me."

I was high tonight. Off my ass. I'm using pot to control myself from crying. After I told him how much it was going to hurt, I could feel the stinging in my eyes.

We talked more. He asked me how I felt about being in top, since I only did it maybe once since we've been together. And only briefly. I told him I haven't been with a man who made it amazing, yet

Knowing tonight could be our last night together, I suddenly decided to drop my inhibitions and just surrender myself to him in a way I haven't yet. Which, in this case, meant bringing my more dominant side out. I crawled in top of him and kissed him long, hard, and deeply. I rubbed my pussy on his cock, teasing myself, teasing us both.

More than once I watched his hand reach to position his cock so I could settle down on it, having it buried inside me. But I teased myself more, and laughed at him, explaining how much I enjoy teasing myself and the byproduct of teasing him. He suggested grabbing some lube. I ignored him.

Eventually, I could feel how wet he made me. I moved so I could touch myself just to verify that I wasn't mistaken and then slid his cock into me. "Wet enough for you?" I asked arrogantly. "It's not about me" he said, blankly.

I fucked him on top for a while. I made him tell me he's mine. I demanded he admit that he belongs to me. I came. I came many times. Eventually, i got tired.

And then he took over and climbed on me and made me come even more. And then he told me he wanted to humiliate me. To make me do something I wouldn't like. And so he took me to his bath tub and told me to get on my knees and he peed on me.

I never thought I would let him. There was splashing, just a bit. I could taste his piss in the air. He peed on me and then when he was done he told me to kiss the tip of his cock. I licked the final drops off his cock head.

And then he told me to take a shower. When I was done he presented me with a towel and we went back to the bedroom where he fucked me more. Until finally I told him I really wanted to feel his fingers on my clit. "Okay." He said. But before we could settle in I asked him to grab a dildo. A pushed it inside my pussy and then let him have his way with my clit. More orgasms. Dozens. Intense. Wonderful.

I love him. I love his perverted mind. And I want, so much, to please him.

He took my ass, again, with his cock. And fingered it, too, discovering he could press my gspot through my asshole. And it becomes a blur of my own pleasure and confusion as to how it could feel so damned good.

I let go so completely. I called him Daddy over and over. And thanked him for taking such good care of me.

Truly, I've said it before and I'll say it again. Every time we fuck it gets better. Hope can that be?

Hiding

I had to go and hide all of my posts about DB. Maybe some day I'll bring them back. But I more or less gave him the ability to find this blog-- without meaning to. And then realized all the things I'd written and decided it was best not to let him that deep into my head.

It wasn't going to be helpful for him to know exactly what I was thinking or feeling. In fact, I'm pretty sure there's no place in life where being completely, 100% open and honest at all times is helpful. Sometimes it's just best to keep the depth of feelings or the momentary irritations from being spoken where they serve nothing.

Electric

DB continues to be a Juggernaut of sorts in my life. We get together no less than twice a week, except in a few rare instances when I've been sick or he's out of town. Twice a week. The minimum that I want, sexually. Enough to take the edge off but not so much that I'm too tired or bored to enjoy it.

I'm very smitten. We're so compatible sexually it kind of blows my mind. On one hand I value my marriage and my freedom to do what I want with whom I want. On the other, I want to base my life on good sex. After all, I've based my life on no sex for so long, why not swing the opposite way?

Poor DB, though, really wants babies. And I just can't. I almost feel bad for stringing him along using him for sex and distracting him from his goals. On the other hand, I'm really probably just some entertainment while he keeps looking for miss right.

Here I am again with my unique ego, thinking I matter that much. Anyway.

I convinced him to buy a violet wand. Well, I introduced him to someone who had one who demonstrated it to DB. And so, a violet wand joined his arsenal. Oh, the fun!

Generally speaking, the power of the violet wand is fairly low. But in the right hands with the right technique it's intense. In a great way.

The problem with J

The biggest problem with Jared is that he runs hot and then gets very cold. Two weeks ago he's available and horny and chatty and wants to fuck. In the last ten days he's been nearly non-responsive. He's not available. He doesn't offer alternatives. He just gets very distant.

Finally got my Marine

So we started chatting on ok Cupid. He was clearly handsome and fairly fit. I had no idea about his job. Just that he was DOD. There was something about the way we connected that I knew I needed him.

I put it off a little and then he told me it was his last night in town. He is a Marine and was only in the area for training.  I didn't want to go, but it was "now or never" so I got in the car and went to him.

After I parked my car I walked past the indoor pool area of the hotel, visible from the parking lot. I glanced inside just in time to watch a delightful vision of a perfectly muscular man with the perfect mat of hair on his chest lift himself out of the water.

I know my step faltered for a second but I continued my walk inside despite how badly, even now, I wanted to go back and stare at him. Hopefully when being noticed. Or maybe being noticed and taken up on the offer I know my gaze would be making.  How slutty that would be, to show up to fuck one man and stand him up for the joy of fucking another I just happened to see at the right moment. Slutty and mean and fucking selfish and awesome.

Anyway. I took the elevator to his floor (getting on the elevator I could see the inner door to the pool and desperately wanted to step in there but kept it together) and knocked. He answered and was every bit as hot as I'd hoped. I'd considered along him to wear his p.t. shorts (they're ridiculously short and therefore inappropriately sexy) but it turned out I needed not ask.

I took a half second to admire him as he turned to let me into the room before I followed, seeing down my bag and sitting down on the bed. I got comfortable and then as he stood nearby took stock of the room and realized I'd taken his place. I moved over so he could join me and we chatted a bit.

There was just enough doubt in my mind about whether the attraction was mutual that I couldn't quite bring myself to move toward him. He seemed uncomfortable with me in person. But he finally made the first move and in no time at all he was on top of me.

I welcomed him, cradling his hips between my legs and arching to feel the hardness of his cock against me. His mouth was on mine, his lips and tongue doing an amazing job of fanning the flames of my lust for him. I can't honestly remember the last time I was kissed so hard, so deeply, and so passionately.

I clutched his body close to me letting my hands slide over his t-shirt covered back rocking my hips against him already aching and impatient to feel him inside. I could feel his answering thrusts.

He finally broke off the kiss against my better judgement.  He pulled up my shirt and took one of my nipples into his mouth. I held his head, running my fingers through his short hair as he moved to the other breast.

He sat up and pulled off his shirt and I said something about just committing and got up to undress as well. Both of us naked now, he settled back in between my legs and we returned to the deep, passionate kissing. I could feel his cock pressed against my pussy, sliding up and down. He  broke off our kiss again with a muttered "holy shit" which was exactly how I felt and then moved down on the bed to settle his mouth between my legs.

The Marine was single minded in his attack, spreading my pussy lips apart to tongue my clit in fast and delicate flicks, stopping to suck it once in a while. I loved the way his mouth felt but found myself pressing my hips up against his mouth, seeking the firm but wet pressure I was sure could get me to my orgasm.

His tongue and mouth worked for some time, making me arch, buck, and moan. I wanted so badly for us to find that right place that would get me there but it didn't happen. He finally moved back up and I kissed him again, tasting myself on his lips. Turned on, wet, aching and ready to feel his cock inside me.

He continued to run his cock against me, finally moving his hips and flexing his kegels enough to bring his cock down toward my opening, teasing me. I didn't want to be teased. I wanted him in me. I began to move my hips to catch his cock head. He held still long enough to let me be successful before finally burying his cock full length inside me.

The sensation of his cock was indescribable. What I can express for sure is that it fit. When he was finally settled at his deepest point it felt like his cock was made for my pussy. Just the right stretch and fit. I realize I may say that a lot. But oh, the feeling of being filled just right!