I don't feel as introspective as I once did. Sometimes I just don't want to think about things that much. Sometimes I want to live in the moment. And sometimes I just can't bring myself to sit down and type. It's kind of amazing how much typing I used to do and how much I avoid it now.
My boy broke up with me a few months ago. He told me he didn't see marriage in our future, which is, of course what he wants. I was more than willing to give up everything for him. But he decided he didn't want it.
It didn't take long before I was back in his bed. This isn't the first time we've broken up, of course. Or even the most painful break up. And it won't be our last. We're not "together" anymore. But, honestly, I couldn't feel closer to him than I do now. When he let me go, I was finally able to "let go" too. I didn't need to hold back or pretend to be someone I'm not. I can be wholly honest about how I feel and who I am and if he doesn't like it, tough luck.. There's not so much on the line anymore.
The biggest problem is that the sex is FANTASTIC, even to this day, a year and a half after we first met. I thought the best I could manage would be a few months before I got bored. Somehow I've never been in a sexual relationship that didn't get boring after 3 months. This one shows no sign of stopping.
Now, it helps that my boy is a kinky bastard who has taken great pleasure in sharing his kinks with me and letting us both try them out together. Things I never imagined I would enjoy. The most recent being strangling. Yeah. I'm not even kidding.
There's something about being strangled and waking up in the middle of a hard fucking that is unbelievably hot. I've never experienced anything like it in my life, before this. And in that moment I'm out, I have the quickest dreams. Today, I dreamt he told me he still loved me. And as I woke up with him inside me, bringing me some of the most intense pleasure I have ever felt, I couldn't help but convince myself it was true.
I still love him. But he doesn't still love me, if he ever did.
