Thoroughly Disgusted

So. Last week I spent some time with my ex. My ex whom I had some pretty fucking kick-ass sex with. My ex who broke my heart not once but TWICE. My ex whom I continue to lust after hugely. That ex.

I finally told him that I'd be happy to sleep with him again despite my assertions that our sex life was over after the second breaking of my heart. And he rejected me with something like "ah, well... wouldn't want to hurt you again." This after trying so hard to get me to say I wanted to fuck him, still.

Tell me he's not manipulating me. And of course, once again I find myself on the verge of tears when I think about him.

Gosh, wonder why I'm not so hot to start sleeping around again.

Comments.

Now with haloscan. :-) Enjoy.

His Trip

Husband was sent out of state for work for a couple of days. Generally when he does that I go hog wild and I get myself thoroughly fucked by some guy. However, this time it didn't work out as such and I ended up sitting at home cleaning. I'm okay with that, really. Still would have liked to have been able to take advantage of his absence but maybe next time....

As with last time husband went to a strip club with his fellow workers. One of the guys bought his friend a lap dance but the friend refused and husband piped up that he'd take it. So, husband got a lap dance. Apparently this lap dance was much better for him than the last, which I only barely remember him mentioning. This time he tells me "she was very devoted to her work." So I pulled out my chair and laughingly said "show me!" So he laughed and danced a little for me and then said "and then she did this" and he bent over, putting his head next to mine and licked my ear. He went for the bite but the lick made me scream and twitch so he missed that one. He's got sensitive ears, although not nearly as sensitive as mine, so he clearly enjoyed that.

I asked him more about what happened and he described her to me and basically said it was a lot of fun. He suggested that his friend, his friend's wife, him, and myself should all go to some of the local strip clubs together. It's something I've wanted to do... go to a strip club but I just don't have the balls to actually DO it. Maybe in a big group I could get over it... but really... with just two of us NO WAY. Three... maybe. Four... even better.

So. Looks like someone had a small adventure. And when I asked how the rest of his trip was he told me "it sucked and I shouldn't have had to even go." And I told him that in his place... the lap dance would have made the whole thing worth it. I'm easy like that.

Readership and jealousy.

I notice I suddenly get much visitors from TwiddlyBits. Yay. Thank you. Guess I always wanted to be famous. Too bad I'm not exciting enough to keep anyone! But really, I'm just whining.

I'd like to wax poetic about jealousy here for a moment. I've got this odd thing... I'm never jealous of my husband. He can go and do whatever he wants and I'm okay with that. Encourage it, even. The night he had sex with my friend upstairs while I was watching TV downstairs was nothing to me. I almost considered joining them, but decided I just wasn't that into girls.

So, I always find it annoying and humorous when I'm chatting up some hot guy online and I get jealous of their other girlfriends. I did it all the time with my ex. I got painfully jealous. I tried hard not to be, but I was.

It was reading that wonderful book "The Ethical Slut" that everyone recommends that made me at least be aware of WHY I was jealous. It kind of put everything into perspective. Jealousy comes from insecurity. Of course I'm insecure over the guys I'm trying to get into bed. And of course I'm secure in my relationship with my husband.

However, this is an excellent example of a situation where being aware of the hows and whys doesn't make the "problem" go away. I'm still stuck with these feelings that I can explain... but can't seem to deal with properly. And it's a problem. Which I have no idea how to fix.

Speaking of Work

Part way through the day I had to go into the main store (I work in a satellite store of sorts) so I walked over and ended up making it a point to go up to Ving at his cash register and use his phone. I let my hand touch his back but turned away before he even had time to look back. Then he bumped me over a little. Oh, the contact. Finally, I said sweetly "Hi Ving...." trying to sound as sweetly innocently in love as possible. He laughed and responded "Hi Kay," in a similar tone of voice. I can't even remember the breif conversation we had as it was immediately wiped from my memory when he rubbed my back (between my shoulder blades). Not only was it amazing to have someone rub my back, but just the pleasure of having SOMEONE touching me and for that someone to be Ving.... well... let's just say my eyes were rolling back into my head.

What can I say? I'm easy. And I'm flirting HARD with Ving. I don't think I have a chance in the world with him, but god damn the flirting is nice. No mutual chemistry there, alas. But like I've said before... at least he's kind enough to flirt back!

On a work related note

Today one of the girls I work with was telling me how odd one of the girls I never worked with directly but knew anyway was. "She openly admitted she'd have an affair with Cartney!" Now, Cartney was the kind of guy who could probably get just about any American girl he wanted. Cartney came complete with good looks, a sense of humor, and a british accent. I mean... c'mon. Oh, and a wife and kids.

However, I was very glad that I've never mentioned that I have an open relationship. I mean, if admitting you'd have an affair with a guy you never in a million years get a chance with is "weird" then what the fuck kind of freak would I be?

Once again I'm reminded of the sort of double life I lead.

Yesterday a particular cashier looked at me shocked when I said something about my husband. Then said reproachfully, "you don't ACT like you're married." Well, fuck. Who cares? Not like I'm YOUR wife. Move along. However, I happily nodded and said "you're right! It's great!" Today I broached this subject with the girl I work with and said something along the lines of "I think the only time I really act like I'm not married is when Li is around... but he's got a girlfriend so I don't worry too much." But of course, that was utter bullshit. Meant to protect my image.

I kind of resent being "forced" to live the double life or be judged. Must be a lot like being a closeted gay. Much easier to live one's life as two different people than to just openly be one's self all the time. Unfortunately, they tend to leak into one another just that much too much.

On a side note, Li was not at work today and won't be there next week because we don't need him to come in. Hopefully the next time I work a Monday he'll be there. Because I want to fuck his brains out and there's no way to make that happen when he's not around. I wonder if he has e-mail. I hate the telephone.

No word from my ex. Guess he didn't really want to fuck me. C'est la vie.

New Link!

OMG! I've done it. I've been added to TwiddlyBit's sex blog list. Hoooooly shit. I'm honored to have even made the long list. Thank you. :-)

I don't claim to be interesting... but I sure have fun.

Showin' Off the Nips

I spent the day hanging around Li. Trying to convince him I'm not quite what he thinks I am. I (once again) came very close to pointing out that I fuck whom I want when I want but held that one back another day. After all, it can only take a moment before he figures out I mean him.

Meanwhile, being the queen of subtlety I told him I did finally get my nipples pierced. We talked about it a little... the pain... etc. A few hours later I was whining about how I hit them on something and they hurt for that moment and suddenly asked "hey, want to see them?" See how subtle I am? I asked him TWICE. Finally, it was time for me to go so I kicked one of my associates out of the stockroom and once again asked Li "do you want to see before I go? I may never offer again." Which was probably utter bullshit because I can't imagine that I wouldn't offer again. Or do it. Anytime he asked. However he said "sure" so we went into one of the trailers and I showed him my breast.

I admit for such a small thing which probably lasted all of 30 seconds I felt really fucking good about it. Of course, the hope is that he'll think about that particular breast for a while. But the reality is he probably found it vaguely shocking. Fuck if I thought to check the front of his pants for response. lol Like I'd be able to tell anyway. I'm no good at looking for subtle signs. One might hope in his case the signs might not be so subtle.

I fucking WANT him. NOW. I'm entirely too wet and swollen and turned on not to have even a chance at getting into that man's pants. It was fun before. A little game... flirt with him... enjoy the flirting in return. Now, really, I just want to fuck. I like talking to him. But I want to be done with the flirting and on to the good stuff. I want to feel his lips on mine, feel the heat of his body... feel him inside me. Fuck.

He asked me earlier today if I work tomorrow. He asked me again after I showed him my nipple. Finally I asked him "why do you keep asking me when I work?" And he told me "because I was thinking about coming back tomorrow." Oh, fuck yes. Please do. And please ask me if you can see both.

Ah, after I showed him my nipple we went back into the store and were talking about other piercings. I mentioned how I'd actually considered getting my clitoral hood pierced at some point but I'm sure that'd hurt immensely more. I told him, "I don't think I'd offer to show you that one." lol I would, though!

2nd Day

Last night, just hours after getting my nipples pierced I ran into my ex boyfriend (still friend) online. Having not had any contact with him at all in the last two months (roughly) it was a strange coincidence. But, I was excited about my nipples so I showed him. After having slept with him for several months and knowing much about each other's intimate parts, having masturbated in front of each other... on each other... that sort of thing it's not such a big deal to flash a guy on the computer.

Actually, mostly it's just not a big deal to flash someone online.

Anyway, he told me that he broke up with his most recent girlfriend (who was, once again, the woman of his dreams for a while) and had decided he was going to spend the rest of his army career without dating women from this state because all the women from this state suck. I'm not sure I entirely disagree. He went on to tell me that he'd been thinking about me a lot and about the sex we had and perhaps we could have some in the future despite my assurance to him after the LAST time be "broke up" with me that it was the LAST time we were ever going to do THAT again.

Except I was painfully broken hearted the last time we broke up and thought about him for MONTHS afterward. So last night he suggested sex but I vetoed it. Afterall, my nipples were super freshly pierced and movement... not fun. He kept telling me we could get around the jostling... but naw. I was still in a bit of shock.

So, we sat and watched Fargo and snuggled for that time, our fingers interlaced. It felt good to be close to him like that, again. I didn't feel that familar excitement I felt before... but perhaps absence has made my lust grow cold. Perhaps it can be rekindled....

Because frankly, fucking him was one of the best times of my life.

Also, my nipples only hurt occassionally now. Just once in a while. Thank god.

Nipple Piercing

I had it done. There's blood. It's weird.

I think, eventually, I'll be happy. For now... just... weird. And pain.

More Nipple Talk

I've been tormenting my nipples since the day that the piercer told my my nipples were too small.

The more I do it the funner it is.

Except there is a point where it goes past pleasure and just becomes pain. Plain old pain with nothing to recommend it.

On the other hand past the pain that's past pleasure is this new pleasure. It comes a bit after the pain has stopped. Catharsis?

I think I'm becoming kinkier.

I'm still not so sure I want someone else to hurt me. But it's kind of fun to hurt myself. Just a little.

Secret Life

It's weird to realise I really live a secret life. I mean, not too secret. Anyone who wants to know can see the clues as to what I'm into. What it is that I want.

However, I don't share my whole self with most people, anymore. At work I'm the young, unprofessional supervisor. At home I'm the lazy wife. But elsewhere... I'm the slut. The girl who idolizes the women that society turns their noses up at with a accusation that "SHE isn't sexy... she's just skanky." Yeah, well, she may be skanky but she's getting thoroughly fucked and taking what SHE wants.

As I was talking to.... oh... let me think of a nickname for the guy... Ving. I was talking to Ving and walking him from one store entrance to the next (a security requirement for the cashiers carrying money). I took his arm and let him escort me even as I escorted him. I flirted with him just a little and he told me how much he misses having me has his boss because I was fun. "You used to say sexy things to me!" He told me. I felt myself blush. Of course, I only said things to him with the understanding that it was off the professional record and he was free to tell me to shut the fuck up. But he's not that kind of guy.

It was the first time I had the confidence and guts to actually touch him. For a long period of time. Ving is HOT. He's definately the kind of guy who would make a very nice trophy for any woman. And it's nice that he flirts with me. I can't believe I'm anywhere near what he wants (in fact we've actually covered that I am NOT) but it's nice to know that he enjoys my company.

Lesbian Dreams

I'm not sure why I'm suddenly having dreams... or why they're suddenly all sexual. But more importantly I'm absolutely confused as to why I'm having so many lesbian dreams lately?!?

Last night I had a dream about being in a haunted house. As I was wandering around I stumbled on a ghostly orgy involving a couple of ghosts and a few humans. I was absolute stunned and stood watching from a doorway, undetected for a long time. I found myself becoming incredibly aroused so I slipped back into the room I'd been coming out of, unbuttoned my jeans and began rubbing my clit. I was enjoying the sensation when I heard the orgy breaking up. Suddenly this ghostly woman came toward me. She was hot, looked rather like a Bratz doll... only normal. She came over to me, slinking... "I can do that for you..." she slid down so her face was at the level of my pussy. "...just take off your pants..." as I struggled to do that, I woke up.

The Crying Game

Knowing I have absolutely no aversion to gay sex... and knowing that most people were unaware of the fact that one of the lead characters in the movie was a guy instead of a chick.... I have to admit while I was watching the part where Jaye Davidson goes down on the lead actor I got really turned on. It had nothing to do with the hot guy-on-guy action but more to do with the way Jaye played that particular scene. The way he went for what he wanted completely assured that he would not be refused... and that he KNEW what he was doing.... God, that got me so excited I was busily thinking "ah, that should be ME...." It was just so carnal.

As he untucked the main character's shirt he moved down, his mouth tracing the man's stomach. I could see the tension... the excitement in the lead's brain. Not based on his acting... but on personal experience... knowing what that feels like... knowing inevitable this part of your body (his body) will be stimulated by this person... until you cum... knowing this incredible orgasm awaits.... It's the build up. Foreplay.

Fuck that's hot.

Make Out Dream

I continue to be baffled as to why I never seem to have sex in dreams.

This morning I dreamed about a guy who was a model. I was talking to a friend (in the dream) about him and how he was going to be staying at my parent's house (where I was living) for a few days. She wasn't terribly impressed informing me that this "it" guy which ALL the women were lusting after wasn't really anything special. She informed me he'd been modeling for years but that it was this one single ad that finally caught on but it really had nothing to do with HIM. She pulled up a few of his older pictures online and I found myself more impressed by the fact that he'd been modeling for so long than the idea that he was an overnight sensation.

Skip forward to him in my room laying on my bed. I snuggled up to him, we were laughing about something. I wasn't sure about his intentions. Knowing that he was SOOO super hot and SOOO super lusted after... knowing he could have just about any woman he wanted at this point I had a hard time imagining that he might like me "that way." We lay looking at each other for a moment before I finally moved forward and kissed him shyly... just to see.... He held onto me and we kissed again... our kisses becoming more passionate. I was kissing him as if I loved him, slowly... but with that edge of "god I have to have you now... but this feels so good I can't stop...." He we moved so that he was ontop of me, pressing down on my body, holding me there. Now there was no doubt he wanted to be there. With me. Eventually we moved again so I was on top, I rocked my hips against his feeling the fabric of our clothes... and the shape of HIM underneath....

But we heard a noise so he pushed me away, waiting until my brother had passed. Our breathing was heavy as we looked at each other. Of course, no one could know what we were doing... my parents wouldn't allow him to stay afterall. Or maybe he just didn't want ANYONE to know he'd been kissing ME....

The dream ended and I woke up right around the same time. I woke up feeling vaguely horny and entirely lonely after that one. Bleh.

But the kissing was hot. :-)

Came last night. Yay!

No interesting dreams that I remember last night, unfortunately.

However, before bed I had a tremendous orgasm. I was downstairs on the computer, husband behind me watching TV as I idly read the latest installments of the Waiting Room (which I put off read for a month or more at a time so there's enough new to read to actually ENJOY). Of course, this got me horny so I had my hand down my pants. Eventually I dealt with the fact that I simply HAD to have an orgasm. I whined at husband that he should go upstairs so I could masturbate. He sighed heavily "but I'm watching TV!" Of course, he needn't really go upstairs. I could have masturbated there, but I would have been too aware of him and worried about what he was thinking so I would have had a crappy orgasm. Instead I retired to the bedroom and picked up The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty. It's not the best book for my masturbating, but I skimmed it and fucked myself with my dildo. I found myself coming incredibly close to orgasm just from that. A first. But I became aware of it and lost it (a problem I encountered when I first started masturbating, too. At this point it just takes time and me getting used to the "new" sensations. It gives me hope, though, that someday it will be possible to bring me to orgasm through just plain ol' sex).

I became super turned on but that particular book wasn't going to take me where I wanted to go, so I searched for Beauty's Punishment which I find to be an incredibly sexy, orgasm worthy book. No luck. And so I finished masturbating to the first book and had a very very good orgasm despite me concerns otherwise.

This morning, I woke up and masturbated again to an incredible orgasm. I must say, I don't hear much whining about orgasms... but frankly I've had some crappy ones in my day and I absolutely adore the intensity of my latest ones. I can't say what the difference is... but fuck. It makes me want more and more and more.

Horny.

Today I helped a super cute guy (with a super nice attitude) buy a mattress. I super wanted to fuck him. Because he was cute. I mean, god only knows if he was good in bed. But it didn't help that I was selling him a mattress. While he was off with his friend getting their vehicle as I waited in the back of the store I was having visions of us on that bed. I stopped myself, though, before it got TOO far because it was making me super horny.

Actually, I was horny all day long. I'm sure it had NOTHING to do with that dream...

No Li today. *sad* Maybe he'll be there tomorrow. Maybe.

I went to see a friend (older teenager) today and ended up talking to her super cool dad who happened to not be wearing his shirt. Nipple rings. Oh, yes. So I quizzed him on the matter and got some advice. I love super cool dads. Piercings here I come...

I still want to fuck but it would appear husband is less than interested. This should come as no surprise.

I woke up in the middle of a dream again this morning. Again because I woke up in the middle of a dream yesterday.

Yesterday's dream involved a roaming group of store associates who would travel from one of the chain of stores I work for to the next. As a cashier I'd never known WHY they were there because they never had ANYTHING to do with the cashiers. But now, as a regular store associate, I found out. They were a roving band of dominants. This time, they invited me to play. I accepted, but at the same time I was trying desperately hard to get this man to want to fuck me. A man who had nothing to do with the dominants because the dominants were all female. I was entirely excited by the submissive experience but was dealing with my incredible attraction to this other guy. It was a very sexually tense dream, needless to say.

This morning I woke up during a dream in which I was in a very strange city with a group of tourists. We went to visit a city hall which was absolutely amazing. They'd spent a ton of money on this artwork on the building in which depicted the town elders in the middle of a scene from a myth about them. On the roof were huge ravens with men in their beaks. According to the myth the town elders were carried away by these ravens. That's all I knew about the myth. Even inside the building in somewhat random places they had raven statues looking for victims. In one room was a fencing ring where two men were practicing with swords.

I met the town mayor who was absolutely hot. There was mutual attraction. Later in the hotel room he joined me in the bathroom. I was naked in the tub, having let the soapy water down the drain as I sat there. He came in, wearing his business suit. "I need to talk to you," he said. I agreed and he looked around for a moment before joining me in the tub, sitting across from me, in the somewhat small tub. It was intimate, of course. But odd as I relaxed naked before him.

He began to tell me about the people who were watching him. Someone had bugged his clothing once. He'd found it. I watched him for a moment and leaned forward, running my hands inside his suit jacket, feeling the heat of him coming through the fabric. I leaned further forward, needing to take it further. I began kissing him, our tongues sliding shyly together. I wanted him right then. But, he drew away, continuing his story as I gazed at him. He told me that he'd found a bugging device in his underwear. I saw my chance and leaned forward to undo his suit pants as he talked, letting my fingers glide around the waistband of his boxers. Nothing. I let me hand slide lower to cup his cock in my hand for a moment before leaning away again.

He looked very serious. "You can check my clothing for bugs any time you want," he told me. I smiled at this and leaned in, again, my fingers once again searching his boxers as our mouths once again found each other. I wanted him, bad. I kissed him so there would be no doubt in his mind.

Then I woke up.

Fuck.

We did it.

Like I said I would, I woke husband this morning and while I talked to him I began stroking his cock, just to see if I could get it to respond... and if he'd go with the flow. He did, letting me snuggle up next to him before finally declaring that he needed a shower. I jumped in ahead of him and washed myself before letting him join me. I watched him, staying out of his way (as he prefers) and once finished I knelt down in front of him and began sucking his (once again) flaccid cock. Things heated up after that, but the shower wasn't really the place to continue as my hands were getting pruney and somewhat uncomfortable.

We retired to the bed for sex. It was... definately something. Part way into it I have visions of Li... because I could (and for no other reason). It was amusing, but eh... not reality so I turned my attention back to what was at hand. Eventually we "degenerated" into me masturbating while sucking his cock. And I came HARD. I mean, it was really really intense. One of those orgasms that comes in waves... one... then the next... it actually felt a lot like two orgasms one after the other... no real space in between. We finished him off... and off to the rest of a very nice day.

For having not had sex in something like two months... well... I'm definately NOT going to complain. That was GREAT.

I still want Li, though.

The Chase

I fully admit to being one of the girls who really enjoys the chase. Which isn't to say I get bored of the capture. I've never really had someone long enough to get bored of the capture (and despite appearances I'm NOT bored of Husband, generally. Seems to be the opposite... but we're just not counting him).

Thus, all the whining, speculation, longing, and teasing of Li falls right into things I enjoy. I have a strong feeling of "success" with this one which makes it all that much more fun. To know all my persuit, no matter how inept, has a strong chance of leading to capture pleases me to no end. It's like foreplay. Lots and lots of foreplay. But of course, even foreplay can last too long. I may become disillusioned. That's not something I'm going for, of course.

But for now, the persuit... it gives me lots of fantasy fodder... which leads to lots of orgasms. With or without his physical presence it's hard to complain.

Nipple Sucking

Isn't it "funny" how things never work out like they should? After trying to get my "too small" nipples pierced the other day the piercer suggested I work on making them bigger. Whether that's possible in a short amount of time or not has yet to be seen... but I AM actually making the effort. One of the most common suggested on increasing nipple size? Piercing. MOTHER FUCKER!

Anyway, I asked Husband to help me by sucking on them a bit, which is another way of kind of stretching them. He did one. For about 30 seconds then didn't want to do anything for the other. Then finally did. For about 10 seconds. Last night... nothing. Maybe I'm being too selfish here, asking him to suck something while I suck nothing.

Maybe it's time I stopped resenting his not touching me and actually start touching HIM again. Worse comes to worse, I close my eyes I can pretend he's Li!

Want...

I got to see Li again, today. Unexpectedly. And I hurt myself, though. Well, my name tag got me, actually. Via a box. Long story. Needless to say I have an ouchie on my chest. Just about at my bra line. I showed him. It wasn't pretty. I was SO tempted to say "want to kiss it better?" but held my tongue for fear he'd agree and I'd have to shrink away for fear of getting nasty germs in my cut. Ah, well. It amused the fuck out of me to think about.

Unfortunately, I didn't get to flirt with him nearly as much as I would have liked. However, I did cover with him the fact that I wanted to get my nipples pierced but that the other place wouldn't do it. He asked me why they wouldn't do it and I found myself unable to say "because they said my nipples were too small" because... well... damn. So I stared at him a long moment and finally said "that's... personal..." which is such a fucking turn off, too.

Anyway, the "small nipple" thing is absolute bullshit and I'm really disappointed. I may offer to show the piercings to him after I get it done. If I have the balls. With "strippers rules" probably, because they'll probably be fresh... and therefore untouchable. I wonder if he'd take me up on it or be too uncomfortable. I'm aching to find out....

As I stood there in the middle of the store today I couldn't help but think how wet I was getting at the thought of how close he was. If he knew what a dirty, nasty girl I am... and what I was thinking about him he'd probably take me up on my thoughts... dragging me off to a dark trailer, bending me over some random box of merchandise and fucking me hard from behind while I bit my lips hard not to be loud....

It's not even the most vivid fantasy I've ever had... but even just that I can feel myself getting wet and swollen. I want him. Bad. And I hate waiting.

Being Sexy. Or Not.

I was watching a show just a moment ago which starred a woman who was clearly very uncomfortable with her body. Her clothes were loose and drab. Whenever she wore clothing which was more fitted she shrank into herself, hands quick to cover herself. Truth be told, this woman had a lovely body, thin and statuesque.

Watching her, I was reminded that it's entirely true that most of what sexiness is comes from inside more than outside. Sure, you have to take care of yourself and wear appropriate clothing... but it's also very much about confidence.

I can't say as I'm the most confident woman, but I'm reasonably comfortable in my skin. Not always thrilled... but I do okay for myself. I admit that I'll never be a model. But, honestly, I'm not too bad. And I definately don't hide myself quite so much as all that....