The last two days..

have been some of the least exciting of my existance. I spent the last two days cleaning the bedroom. Yes. Two whole days. Cleaning. A lot of things were thrown out. A lot. The underside of the bed is now ghostly empty. It's great. And yet... it's still cluttered. Just a tiny bit. Because there are only about four horizontal spaces in the room... and they're all full. Amazing. Some of that will change, soon I hope. And maybe in the next few weeks I'll buy some end tables with drawers which will take care of most of THAT little problem.

Meanwhile, I bought some new bedding (and curtains) to improve the look of the room. Pretty much the entire time we've been married, we've slept under separate blankets. Before we got married I bought a lovely bedding set, anticipating a queen mattress... only to have husband insist we buy a king. Much blanket maddness has ensued since then and it's just ended up we've gone on to only share a fitted sheet. I finally found a comforter I liked and NOW we share. Which is weird. But it appears to be working.

So, now the bedroom is fit for entertaining visitors. As if we'll have any visitors to our bedroom. The funny thing is, I realise now that I may have done away with any level of comfort a potential lover would have in the room by making it hyper masculine... thus making any normal guy feel like he's intruding on my husband's domain. Poaching. Maybe there's a secret thrill in that for some... but that's not generally the type of guy I go for.

I'm pleased with it none the less and find the bedroom to be a MUCH more inviting space.

Now... the rest of the house.

Nipples.

My nipples are sensitive today. Playing with the piercings is utterly delicious.

I wish I had someone around who could appreciate giving the kind of attention my nipples crave. It makes me miss my ex. He knew what my nipples needed. He made me appreciate them, myself.

Dammit.

Need

Need may just be the sexiest word I've ever heard. I'm not sure, really, I fear I'm still under its spell... but it certainly looks like it....

Husband's friend informed me that he "need[s] to sleep with" me. Of course, he didn't mean right this instant. It was a longer paragraph than THAT... but it was included. It caught my breath a little bit. He doesn't just WANT to sleep with me, and he isn't FORCED to sleep with me... oh no... it's a need. Like food. Or shelter.


A NEED... oh... yes....

Last night I woke up crying from a dream. I may have been sobbing in my sleep. I seem to remember hearing myself. I dreamed husband died. When I woke up, I comforted myself and went to sleep on my back (where I probably snored, but at least my eyes weren't swollen when I woke up).

When I woke up again, I was thinking about husband's friend. Wondering if he'd e-mailed me back. He did not. Dammit. You'd think he'd have SOMETHING to say... but I get nothing. At least, not today. Not yet. Probably not at all.

I know I'm not his girlfriend (he has one) which makes it a lot easier to stand the silences. But I am SUCH an attention whore. I figure if a guy really wants me he'll keep up the attention. But, as I've said, he's GOT a girlfriend. He's getting laid now and again. I NEED to relax.

I'm also considering that I'll be seeing one of the men at work today who probably wants me. I'm not sure if I find him creepy or what. He's one of those people who doesn't take his eyes off me. Not for more than a second here or there. People like that enjoy their "victim's" discomfort, I think. Because I'm so shy about everything I'm not sure why he even HAS any interest in me. I wonder if I'll ever find out....

Woke Up

Last night I woke up crying from a dream. I may have been sobbing in my sleep. I seem to remember hearing myself. I dreamed husband died. When I woke up, I comforted myself and went to sleep on my back (where I probably snored, but at least my eyes weren't swollen when I woke up).

When I woke up again, I was thinking about husband's friend. Wondering if he'd e-mailed me back. He did not. Dammit. You'd think he'd have SOMETHING to say... but I get nothing. At least, not today. Not yet. Probably not at all.

I know I'm not his girlfriend (he has one) which makes it a lot easier to stand the silences. But I am SUCH an attention whore. I figure if a guy really wants me he'll keep up the attention. But, as I've said, he's GOT a girlfriend. He's getting laid now and again. I NEED to relax.

I'm also considering that I'll be seeing one of the men at work today who probably wants me. I'm not sure if I find him creepy or what. He's one of those people who doesn't take his eyes off me. Not for more than a second here or there. People like that enjoy their "victim's" discomfort, I think. Because I'm so shy about everything I'm not sure why he even HAS any interest in me. I wonder if I'll ever find out....

The only sure fire way to tell...

if a woman is having an orgasm is...

Well, actually, near as I can tell there really ISN'T one. I've been watching The Sex Inspectors. (I do watch a lot of HBO late night On Demand, don't I?) During a particular episode the viewing public was informed that there are only two ways to tell if a woman has actually had an orgasm. 1. the "rash" around the neck 2. the clitoris is too sensitive to touch. I'm going to have to argue this one. I do notice, sometimes, the heat spreading around my head and neck as I get close to orgasm... but this morning... nothing. I even double checked in the mirror. Pale as a ghost, that's me. And the sensitivity thing... well... heck, I've done the multiple thing. Sometimes the body is just ready to go RIGHT AWAY.

I've heard other stories... other promises of sure-fire ways to tell if a woman has had an orgasm. Doesn't seem like there is one. I can always come up with an example of when I came without that particular "give away."

But I never fake. Ever. Never have. Never will. So luckily, mine are hard to miss... plus... I totally have to celebrate when it happens.

I'm easy that way.

Rocking the...

We went and saw Doom today. It was okay. If you like The Rock it's great. Not NEARLY enough nakedness, though.

So, of course husband's friend went with us. Originally he sat next to husband but we both told him "oh, sit over THERE" and he sat over THERE... which was next to me. So I ended up kind of snuggling against him for warmth (well, and companionship) the entire movie. I was somewhat snuggled with husband too, which made for a warmth threesome. The weather has turned colder unexpectedly and I needed me some body heat.

By the end of the movie we were all but holding hands. I kept finding my fingers idly touching his palm with my fingers, caressingly. Just barely. So he did the same thing back. Which caused me to be utterly distracted. A few times his hand found my thigh. Which of course, distracted me even MORE.

Good times.

After the movie we all wandered around and I made it a point to touch husband's friend a few more times. Eventually we ended up at the bookstore (where husband wanted to go) and his friend decided to leave. We both told husband he should go... but he wouldn't. "Okay, bye now, honey!" I said. His friend said "yeah, BYE now. You go look at your books. We'll be back in a while...." Etc. But husband just wouldn't leave. So that was that.

Afterward I asked husband "does it bother you that I want to hook up with your friend?" He said no. Keep in mind this is an often asked and answered question in the house and I'm entirely comfortable that husband has expressed exactly ZERO concern over the whole thing. Then I asked "so... why wouldn't you leave?" "Well, I couldn't tell if you were serious." "We told you to go." "Yeah well... you should have just said what you wanted." "I think we did. Like, 'Okay, you go, I'll be there in a while.'" Then he laughed. We talked for a while more about it and it left me laughing, both at him and at his sense of humor. Finally I told him "I think you were jealous... that we were going to spend time together. Alone. Without you. I think you weren't jealous of ME but of HIM... you didn't want to miss anything funny he would say or whatever." He couldn't really deny that.

Figures. Husband doesn't care if I fuck his friend... he just doesn't want his friend and I to hang out together without him.

Who knows what'll happen. Maybe nothing. But it certainly is amusing.

Hot and...

I'm hell bent on seeing husband's friend this weekend. I was trying hard to come up with excuses. Husband was being indulgent. "We could try to invite ourselves over for an afternoon of video games and heavy drinking!" Which I did suggest to his friend via e-mail but never heard back.

Then I heard the new Doom movie is coming out. And I'm the Rock's biggest fan in the whole world. Well, I want to bang the hell out of him. So, here I shall be surrounded by hotties.

Anyway, here's the thing... so I called the friend to see if he wanted to go out and by the end of the conversation I was flushed and giggly. I hope I'm not so pathetic tomorrow. Because seriously....

Tease.

Husband's friend is still teasing me. I'm not sure if he's just flirting or if he's more seriously interested than he's let on. I hate that. Of course he's seriously interested... and I could probably get him into bed if I really pushed for it. However, the circumstances matter, dammit.

Meanwhile, I remain sexually charged. And frustrated. So frustrated. I might get to have sex with husband tonight. But probably not. Even if we do, I probably won't get to feel him inside me. Maybe I could make do with a lovely dildo and his effort. But really, I desire a good, hard fuck. Face to face. Front to back. Side by side. All of it. I want it so bad it's not even funny. I came earlier (a wonderful, delicious all consuming orgasm which made my legs almost too weak to hold me) which was almost immediately followed by feelings of sadness and loneliness. I hate that. Nothing ruins a good orgasm faster.

Righteous!

Actually, it's indignation. I'm irritated that husband's friend would choose fidelity to a woman beneath my contempt rather than sex with yours truly. I was prefectly happy to lust after him from afar while he was married. I never once made a real play for him during that time and while I didn't LIKE that I wasn't going to get to sleep with him, I was okay with it. I'm not particularly okay with it anymore. I'm bitter. Which was exactly NOT the goal.

Basically, I was considering the super long talk he and I had and realised that his current girlfriend is a terribly manipulative woman who is cruely using him to her own ends. He doesn't understand why she doesn't leave her husband for him (especially since he left his wife for her). We'll pretend that what his girlfriend is doing to her husband isn't WORSE than what his wife did to him (it's okay, though, because, you know... it's HIM she's doing it with). He provides her with all the sex and romance she's lacking in her marriage and in return he gets excuses as to why she couldn't possibly leave her husband right now. Ugh.

I admit were I to sleep with him I'd have evil designs, too. He admitted to me what he said he couldn't say person which was if he and I had sex it would surely be an extremely emotional experience. I specifically told him while I was there that I didn't want to fall in love with him. Which is like... stupid... because I've tried to play that game before.

Maybe I'm already somewhat in love with him. Nothing will ever be able to come of it because I can already see the problems we'd have together and I just don't like the idea of going THERE. Which of course, is a pretty good reason for us NOT to have sex. Because I DON'T want to hurt him the way SHE is.

Fucking hell. I really don't like being an adult. And I really think he's dumb.

Why can't I find myself a nice poly boy? Which reminds me, the one guy I thought I could have a lovely, friendly, sexually pleasing poly relationship was apparently looking for an excuse to leave his wife and is now in an monogamous (or semi-monogamous) relationship which doesn't involve individual play.

I think I've vented. I think I'm done. Unless he finally writes back (it's been about two days) I'm guessing the excitement is over.

I told husband this. I bet we won't have sex again anytime soon. I can't remember the last time we did, actually....

Invisible

Sometimes I think I'm invisible. Sometimes I'm not really sure I exist at all.

But mostly just when I'm depressed. Of course, not that depressed. Just depressed enough to feel sorry for myself. Which is silly.

At least I have my car back from the shop. With brakes!

Damn.

Well, I finally got my answer back from husband's friend. Basically, he told me that I was probably right that it wasn't a very good idea for the two of us to get involved, fun though it might be in the short term.

And I'm so fucking unhappy that he agreed with me.

Delightful

Husband, for whatever mysterious reason, was horny today. I was teasing him with how horny I was yesterday and how disappointed I was that we didn't have sex, not to mention that something about the idea of me fucking other men turns him on (though he denies it). So he was horny as hell.

And, for whatever reason, he was feeling somewhat kinky. For him, anyway. Most of my sex is pretty straightlaced. I'm a little bondage/Ds/sm curious but aren't we all? However, husband claims to be very kinky in his heart but has no interest in any of these things. So today he wanted me to suck his cock, which I did between levels on the video game I was playing, enjoying teasing him.

Finally, he said, something like "you know, if you don't want to do that, you could do something else." I stared at him lost, knowing he didn't mean fucking. "You know.. lower." I gazed at his balls and thought "no... I'm sure he doesn't mean play with his balls... does he mean lick his ass? Or DOES he means his balls? Or something else? I'm so confused." I do tend to play with husband's balls which lead me to believe he meant is ass, but that's just not something I assume. So I finally told him "you're going to have to spell it out for me."

This was when he got a little squirmy, but finally he said "will you eat my ass?" I smiled, finally aware of what he wanted. I insisted he be very clean (he immediately ran to take a shower) and then spent the next 20 minutes with my tongue swirling around that forbidden area. Let there be no question... it's kinda hard to do. At least, it seemed much harder than in the movies. I've done it before, but it's been YEARS. It's not my first choice in sexual activities but I enjoy pleasing husband SO much that I'm perfectly willing to do what he asks.

He asked if he could cum on me (something he used to claim to not understand the pleasure of at all) and we rearranged so he could do so, while masturbating with my mouth where he wanted it. Afterward, I sent him off to wash the cum off his hands and then insisted he help me come, too, finger fucking me while I masturbated. Unfortunately, he clearly had no clue what he was doing, but I was still able to cum. I gloried in feeling the heat rushing up my neck and face, knowing a lovely orgasm was coming. If only he'd known what he was doing he could have had me shouting, instead I let out a few short moans and it was over. We lay together, deliciously relaxed and snuggled for quite a bit before heading downstairs.

Unfortunately, it just left me horny as ever. I pursued him for more sex play off and on for the rest of the evening but was turned down "I'm done for the day" he said. It kind of amazes me (although doesn't surprise me about him) that he can have such a delightful sexual experience... and be perfectly happy to wait a while for another chance. Whereas I cum... wait a bit and am more than ready to try again.

Which made me think of husband's friend who claims to be somewhat hypersexual (something he seems vaguely ashamed of) but which interests me very much. I'm always happy to take on a man who might be able to keep up with me. Though, I think I've yet to meet a man who can outclass me I'm always hoping....

'Hells wrong with me?!?

So husband's friend and I have e-mailed each other several times. Since then, I came out and told him that "yes, I could have had sex with you the other night... and now it'll never be that easy again!" Which I thought was very kind of me.

I told him that I suspected he'd tried to turn his head when I went to kiss his cheek and he admitted that he'd misread that one and managed NOT to do so in time and was apparently vaguely embarassed about it. Which made me laugh, because at least he's honest. But then makes me consider what could have been. I chose not to tell him that I'd then spent the next couple of minutes catching myself licking that corner of my lips, still feeling his....

Also, I finally laid out my fears about what could happen if we DO have sex... and I haven't heard back from him. I'm not sure what to make of it. I remain afraid that he's going to use me as an excuse to break up with his girlfriend and then months from now inexplicably blame me for luring him away. Which isn't what I told him because that's just a bit more than he needs to know (I hinted at it, though). I told him some other things, too, which I'd hoped he'd brush aside or something. Instead I haven't heard anything. I'm not sure whether he's thinking I'm far too cerebral and expecting about this or if he's had a huge fight with his girlfriend (which he said he might) and is currently overwhelmed with that.

So, we'll see. I'm afraid I've fucked things up terribly....

A name...

I *really* need to come up with a nickname for husband's friend. Husband was still out of state with his mother (I came home sooner since my job gave me less time off) and I wanted to go to a beer tasting. Husband would have loved to go but suggested I should invite his friend instead who might enjoy it, too, so I wouldn't have to go alone. Which I did, to which the friend agreed.

So. I called him a bit before to make more defined plans and he suggested we could just go to a restaurant if I'd prefer rather than making the longer trek to his place and then off to the other. However, I was somewhat uncomfortable with the idea of spending that kind of time with him (at a restaurant) and opted to do the former rather than the later.

I arrived and we talked for a wee bit before heading out. We talked the entire way there and then I proceeded to get giddily drunk on about two beers. Yeah, that's me, cheap date. Which he pointed out. Except that I was the one who bought our way in (he paid me back later) which at the time made me less than cheap. We spent a few hours checking out girls and the rather pathetic excuses for the males.

Once our tokens were gone, he was sober enough to drive whereas I was a giggly mess. So, we went back to his place and ate dinner and ended up talking. I arrived at his apartment at about one thirty returned to his place by about three thirty and I did not leave his place until about eight thirty. We spent all the time TALKING. Five hours worth of talking. Both of us confessed our deepest darkest secrets (well maybe not) and he told me several times that he was totally down with the idea of fucking me.

At some point we were talking and I told him I was somewhat depressed and NOT into the idea of getting naked with anyone (I didn't point out that I actually shaved this morning knowing I was going out with him) and he told me something like "you're a beautiful, sexy woman, and I'd love to take you to bed with me" or something of that ilk. I giggled slightly and told him, "really, I don't know how you get that stuff to come out of your mouth!" He looked vaguely confused "what?" And I said "what you said... I can't SAY those things. It's amazing." Of course, before I'm lambasted, we must remember that I'd already explained to him why I wasn't sleeping with him and he didn't argue with me about it at all so I have to assume he agreed with me and was at this point merely expressing desire rather than expectation.

Anyway, I'm not one hundred percent sure he would ACTUALLY sleep with me, but he certainly wants to (which is mutual, I assure you) but I'm just not sure it's a wise decision. However, I sent him an e-mail letting him know that I do have permission to fuck him, but am afraid of ruining their friendship.

Also, I'm somewhat afraid he's going to use me as an excuse to leave his girlfriend. Whom he's kind of done with.

So.

That was me...

letting you all know why I'd disappeared.

Of course this has been a very trying time. Husband only has one father afterall. And we've both been very sad.

Husband's talk has turned to baby. I'm sure he'll change his mind sooner than later. Probably once he gets to our home from his parent's home and gets back into the swing of things. However, I was so terribly tempted to ask "...but wouldn't we have to have sex to do that?!?"

We did have some wonderful sexual times this last week, though. Sex and funerals, you know. Nothing like that to affirm life....

Gone but not forgotten.

Husband's father has passed.

Hmm.

Thank god for Tivo. That's all I'm saying about that.

Meanwhile, apparently Christopher Knight's chest is smooth and hairless. This is not what I remember seeing. I'm not complaining. However, I felt the need to mention it. Because I hate looking stupid.

I'm working on cleaning up my life. Bits and pieces here and there. Now sure whether Semper Sexualis will stick around or go. I feel like I need a second not forever sexual blog (because I'm stuck on journaling my life away) but... I dunno. I've been considering morphing this one to something more open and available to ALL aspects of my life... but it would hardly be fitting to call it Semper Sexualis, than would it?

So, I don't know.

I'm happy. I like being happy.

Bang!

So. I'm horny. It's around midnight. And of course my thoughts turn toward men I'd like to fuck. There are many at times like these. I consider celebrities. It's usually so much easier to get photos of them than of the real life men I want to fuck. Oddly, I couldn't find any really good pictures of the celebrities that spring to mind, right now.

Mike Rowe (host of Dirty Jobs, and previously a semi-local celeb) and Christopher Knight (yeah, Peter Brady and surprisingly sexy star of reality tv). Both have very similar qualities. Aged within 10 years of each other, both with similar builds (it's a tough choice but I'm really digging that Mike right now) and lovely hairy chests (which is such a change from what I liked as a teenager, lemme tell ya).

Anyway, I just wanted to share my current objects of lust and give a toast to them both of them for the delicious orgasm I just had. Actually, credit for that pretty much goes solely to the Hitachi Magic Wand and Mr. Rowe (who has a most excellent voice).

And now I shall take myself (and my parentheses) off to bed for what looks to be a beautiful rest.

I feel wonderful!

Being a girl kind of sucks.

Last night I got some wicked cramps. I still have them today. Punishment for being a girl. I told husband only HE has the power to make it stop, expecting him to offer to get me some pills so I wouldn't have to trudge upstairs. Instead he told me "I'm NOT getting you pregnant." Ah, yes. That's what I meant. So I went and got my own pills and then talked about "the baby" for the rest of the night.

We went to bed but I stayed up (laying there) reading that book I mentioned yesterday. I ended up deciding I was just turned on enough to try masturbating. After a somewhat slow start I had an absolutely DELICIOUS orgasm. Husband slept through it, but it was okay because I came and got to enjoy the delicate after-flutters of an "empty" orgasm which sent me to sleep with a smile on my face.

Yesterday wasn't so bad at all.