Often Tired

I'm about to go to bed. However, I thought I might as well write a bit.

Work is going okay. Not great, not bad. I'm used to being somewhat of a stand-out employee and in this case I'm clearly new and quite middle of the road. I expect more of myself. However, I'm not doing badly, which is fine.

I worked my first night shift and discovered that the vast majority of the young, hot guys come in during the evenings. The "yuppy" sort (if anyone still calls them that), whom I adore. One particular cutie came in and amused me with his mock-outrage over a particular item that was special-order only. I even managed to flirt a little with a couple other particularly fine men which really made my night. I'm endlessly grateful for my last job and the confidence in gave me in interacting with all sorts of people, but specifically hot guys. Where I would have avoided eye contact and found conversation impossible, I'm much more able to interact. While it might not seem like much to some, to me it's amazing.

Meanwhile, with husband around and a lack of time (as evidenced by the fact that I haven't written in a while) I've managed not to masturbate for... days. And there have been a few times recently where I've found myself almost overwhelmingly horny. Tonight I managed to masturbate myself to a particularly amazing orgasm. It's been a bit too long since I've cum, and even longer since I came as hard as that. I fucking love cumming. I adore masturbating. Frankly, I'm currently in a bit of a situation where I'm pretty fucking satisfied with myself and not all that interested in getting anyone else to help.

Well, okay, that's not really true. If some sexy piece of ass managed to fall into my lap I'd absolutely not turn him down. I could use some deep, passionate kisses. However, I'm just not digging the idea of getting naked with anyone, of late.

So yeah, that's what's up with me.

Frustrated.

I was thinking about the last time husband and I had sex and really, I have no idea, anymore, when it was. Before the trip here. Before October. Before the summer? It's so hard to remember. So no, the husband hasn't been putting out lately anymore than ever. He would have the other night but... I'm pretty much done going down that road with him. In a way I can't even explain.... Like, I can do sexual things with him but... not fucking. Naw. Even kissing has become something I avoid from him. When he wants to kiss me I tend to act much more bored and irritated than I actually am. I don't even know why I do that. Payback for the way he would act when I wanted to fuck?

Whatever the case, I'm increasingly intolerant of him at ALL. I regularly feel like smashing a fist into his face which isn't really a nice feeling. Especially when I know my irritation is completely unfair in most cases. And what's really confusing is I want to be around him and I love the way he makes me laugh (and I love making him laugh, too). I keep wondering if it would be easier if I just labeled him a roommate and tried to think of him in that way completely... if it'd help with my continual irritation or if being stuck with him as a roommate would only make it worse.....

I don't know what I'm thinking, really.

Okay, okay, I was thinking about coming onto him tonight, trying to get him into bed with me in a carnal way. But it just doesn't seem worth the effort and the anger I'd feel at the inevitable rejection....

Work and Desire

So I have a couple of days off. Thursday I go to another job interview for another part time job. Supposedly it's flexible. Hopefully it's as flexible as I need it to be. Something to accommodate my first job.

As for my first job, I spent Saturday and Sunday there and definitely think I like it. There's a fair number of repeat customers that come in, although mostly I recognize the older couples and the women for some reason. Too many of the men, cute or otherwise, seem the same. And I spend a lot of time keeping my eyes peeled for people I went to high school with, hoping NOT to run into any of them....

Meanwhile, I'm starting to feel a lot better. In general. In most parts of my life. Not all of them. But... some. Having a job, getting to be around people, smiling so much my cheeks hurt... it's all good for me. I'm not ALWAYS happy, but I'm happier. And horny.

Last night I could have had sex with husband. But I found myself mostly annoyed. I keep forgetting what a good lover he's proven himself to be the last time or two we've made love (so, so long ago). I think of Keith, mostly. I have short films in my head that I run through sometimes, thinking of the various things I've done with various men... always how they fell short. But I never come up with any of that regarding Keith. Only of the almost endless pleasure we shared.

Hells bells, he's messed me up when it comes to other men.

First REAL day

My tongue piercing has been out for the last 24 hours. I kind of miss it. But... not a lot. Having my mouth free of anything poke-y is rather nice. I still find myself fiddling with my tongue as if the barbell was still there... but it's gone. And done with. It was kinda fun while it lasted.

Meanwhile, I had my first day of working at the new store. I might very much like it. I deal with a hell of a lot of men. And it seems like the women are pretty pleasant, too. I mean, like, there are some really hot guys who come in. And after working at the last store, I've learned to be waaay less shy than I used to be. It's really kind of funny to me that were you to ask any one of the people I work with if I'm shy they'd almost certainly find the idea strange. And while I still have my moments of silence and discomfort, I'm just so much more outgoing than I used to be. I had a lot of conversations with a lot of people today, both that I work with and that I don't. It was really great....

We'll see how I feel about it a few weeks from now (and a few months) but for now... I'm totally stoked. I just wish I had more hours....

Inspiring!

So I drove to work (an hour) and worked for a half hour and then drove home. Not a bad day's work. THat's like what.. $3.00 after taxes? Yeah. Well worth it. Really. Uh oh, was that bitter, angry SemSex coming out? Yes, yes it was.

I'm seriously considering looking for a second job. In fact, I might just be interviewing for one next week. They say the hours are "flexible" which should work out well for me since it'd be a second job and all.

On a side note, Tony of Comstock Films left me a note a few entries back announcing the Great Comstock Films Ipod Give Away (or you know, the name HE'S calling it...). Inspired by yours truly. That's right, I inspire people to give away their ipods. That right there is a beautiful thing. I told Husband of this and he asked why the hell *I* don't get a free one. I laughed and told him, "yeah, I should enter... oh, wait... I already HAVE an ipod." Anyway, I'm thrilled to have had any sort of hand in something cool like inspiring anyone to do anything at Comstock. Because, you know, I dig their style. I really do.

So little time...

So yesterday I woke up early, but it turns out it wasn't quite early enough to get me to work on time. I was only a couple of minutes late, but if there's one thing I loathe it's tardiness. I'm NEVER late. In fact if anything I'm usually about 20 minutes early. This really doesn't have much to do with much, but I have to point out that my commute to work takes about an hour. Because of traffic. The same is true for my commute home. Unless it's during non-rush-hour traffic at which point it takes about 20 minutes.

Once I got home I lay down pretty much immediately. For a 20 minute nap. I woke up several hours later to force myself to go to the store. And then came back home and went to sleep.

I sleep all the time. Hopefully once all the learning is done I'll be able to stay awake when I'm not FORCED to. Because this sucks....

Well, I'll be.

So I really didn't see so much of anyone, again, today. However, I got a better look at the new boy (who will be working as far from me in the store as possible) and while he's still not my type... he's not too bad. He was wearing a... foreign jacket... I won't name names but with his looks and his jacket if he's not a first generation immigrant his parents both are. I suspect the former. All I'm saying is that Lola from Lola On... would adore him. And I can respect that. But he's just too young.

I was thinking the other part where I said that my trainer is Asian seemed a little out of place. One must not forget I have a bit of a fetish for Asian men so....

Anyway, I wandered through the store and got a look at a couple of hotties here and there. Customers, of course. But enough to bring a smile to my face. Yay. Hopefully by the end of the week I'll be suffering through serving customers... and mooning over the hot guys again....

First day

I spent the day in front of the computer. It was not exciting. I thought I was going to die of tired most of the way through the day. And then at the end, too. Oh, it was a long, long day. The computer was not a hot and sexy man. It was very disappointing. My trainer is not a hot and sexy man. He is asian. Which is cool. But that's all I have to say about him. The guy I'm training "with" is one of those young, urban emo white boys... well... at least that's my take on him. Nothing that interests me. In fact, I'm pretty sure there are NO guys I want to fuck who work there. Well, possibly one, but I only saw his reflection in a window. Not much to go on.

I'm under the impression tomorrow will be more of the same....

First Day

My first day of work is here. Well, my first day of training. For the first time in my work history I actually get three days of not-on-the-job training. Which is really pretty funny to me since I'm now quite comfortable with the basics (and some of the advanced parts) of the work I do and really just need the specifics having to do with this particular company. But whatever. Three eight-hour days of training, I was told. It's going to be a long three days. After that, though, it'll go down to part time which is NOT what I want. But you do what you've got to do. I'm almost certainly going to need a second job, especially since the husband isn't working.

In some ways I really have enjoyed the time I've spent sitting around doing nothing. But I guess it's time to get back into the real world. It'll be nice to have real-world conversations with people who aren't related to me by blood or marriage....

So today... today I look forward to possibly being bored out of my mind. But soon... maybe, just maybe, I'll get to start talking to lots of people again. And hopefully at least a few of them will be hot, sexy men.

Porn in the mail!

I'm gonna work on updating my blog template a little. Maybe. I started. I clicked a couple of buttons. Saved the old template. Yeah, exciting, I know. It's dramatic and different. The drawback being, mostly, that I've currently lost my blogroll. Which pretty much sucks since that's the main way I access everyone else's blogs. Not that I can't put it back. I just don't want to go through the effort right now.

Moving on, I bought Matt and Khym: Better Than Ever, like, last year. First off, I wonder what it must be like to be the couple who was filmed, is there an impatience to see the finished product and find out the outcome? Or do they have regrets? I mean, they're human right? I always wonder about the aftermath, good bad, or indifferent. Anyway, there's a tangent for you. Regardless, I've been staring at Khym's nose ring, but I haven't been able to bring myself to watch it, yet. For three major reasons, first is that my sexual pleasure has so little to do with my husband these days that the idea of watching porn and or masturbating in front of him makes me uncomfortable (and we're together ALL THE TIME, these days).

Second, I'm a little concerned over my emotional state in regards to the movie. The other movie from Comstock that I own, Marie and Jack: A Hardcore Love Story was really trying for me, emotionally. The lovers' affection and passion for one another was evident and beautiful and it left me feeling bereft in my own life. Watching them together reminded me very much of what it felt like to me to be with Keith last year. And while I can't say he and I even had the potential to continue on that sort of path, I was left aching for his touch and the affection he showed me while we were together. I really only watched the movie twice, once with commentary and once without. I had a wonderful orgasm but walked away not really sure what to make of the experience. I might watch the movie NOW and wonder why the hell I had such an emotional reaction, but I've been unwilling to chance it. When it comes to Matt and Khym I'm really concerned I'm going to be left in the same state, aroused and elated by the movie... and at the same time feeling empty in my own life.

The third reason, and really the most pressing of them is that I can't find my computer's speakers since the move. While I'm sure the movie has the potential of being pleasurable without the commentary... really, it's an integral part of the movie. Sound is very arousing to me. In phone sex, I've found myself most excited by the catches of breath and moans a man makes as he nears orgasm far more than by the words. Missing that in a movie makes even the sexiest scene seem sterile. On the other hand, so does the painfully fake moaning, grunting orgasms of the silicone-sex flicks. Without the speakers... well... it's definitely not the same. Especially when it comes to these particular movies.

I could use the DVD player on the tv, but that very much goes back to the first situation. I can reasonably sit in the corner with my computer and masturbate without feeling uncomfortable about the situation, but the apartment is so small that it's very difficult to watch TV without my husband knowing exactly what it is I'm watching. It shouldn't be a big deal, and in a way it's not... but it kind of is. Knowing he's aware and choosing to remain uninvolved makes it very hard to relax and enjoy a movie.

I'm reminded of an entry Tony Comstock made on his blog (which referenced my blog) regarding ipods and the future of porn on them. For the last month or so of my last job I avidly listened to Violet Blue's Open Source Sex podcast while I worked alone. It made closing up the store a much more pleasant, interesting affair. I also used it at home, on occasion, to masturbate. It was VERY effective. Since the computer is my main source of porn (and thus masturbatory fulfillment) it's helpful to have the ipod so I can take my porn elsewhere, namely the bedroom. I've yet to masturbate to a movie on the ipod. I've watched and enjoyed some of the podcasts offered by Comstock, but never actually came to them. It might be interesting to try to rip the movie to my ipod (if that's possible) just to try it out.

If I can find some damned headphones.

Stupid blogger still won't let me publish comments like they used to. You know, type and THEN sign in and publish. No, sir. That'd make too much sense. Afterall, it's just the way they've always done it, why continue? Ugh.

I start my part time job on Monday. I'm trying to get in with a full time job. Maybe I'll have both. Maybe I won't feel overwhelmed. My husband, meanwhile, is not working at getting a job at all. And no, he doesn't want to go out. To the store. Or anything. "Next thing you know, I won't be willing to leave the bedroom." Funny, that's exactly how I was feeling just about a week ago. And two weeks ago, too. Get out of bed? What the fuck for?

I'm starting to feel slightly more alive these days.

Oh, and that Magic Bullet thing they keep advertising on TV? I'm totally sold. I don't know how or why but I want one so bad I'm tempted to put it on credit. And I NEVER put ANYTHING on credit. Except, every single time I see the ad or hear the name I immediately think magic bullet... is that a vibrator? At which point I start looking for ways in which the magic bullet is shaped similarly to a dildo. Maybe that's part of the reason I really want one. Sex sells.

I'm still not looking for a lover. It struck me the other day as I was in the shower that I cannot for the life of me remember the last time I got fucked. Oh, wait. I vaguely remember, now. It was with that cop at the hotel. I suppose it's only been 4 or 5 months. Only. God damn.

Ah, sweet relief

I'm looking at the likelihood of having not one, but two jobs. I'm really not sure that I'll take or keep both, and I'm having problems deciding which one to take. One would be more pleasurable to me, I think. The other has all the money and benefits. While money isn't everything, the first job doesn't (yet) offer enough to live on and the second would. Easily. So, yeah. I find myself vaguely fraught trying to pick. We'll see. Something will work out, no doubt.

Thank god things are finally starting to come together a little. I can start getting out of the house, moving around, making money and rejoining society. And then... hopefully, I'll get at least a little of my confidence back. Maybe have something fun to write about.

I woke up this morning thinking about Keith. I haven't heard from him forever....