Whew

I just got the scare of my life. Well, maybe not my whole life. I live in the scary part of town... and a place that has bad drainage. The backyard is made of rocks. Walking on those rocks is very loud. I've always thought of it as a sort of low tech security system. I have the backdoor open because the laundry is making it very hot in here. I hear foot steps along the back. The dogs freak the hell out and lunge at the screen door. And just for a moment I thought it was the person walking back there coming at the door. Terrifying. Sometimes I regret my decision to insist on living on the ground floor.

Anyway. On to business. Mr. W! says:

I bet Keith didn't go through your hometown. Even though you two haven't talked
I am sure he would have stayed there at least one day. Unless it was your "day".
But that didn't stop him before.What if he sent you a ticket? Would you go and
take advantage of him???

And in answer I'd have to say there was a time when I would have without question. Now, though, things are a little different and I'm in a situation where it would be more than inconvenient. Were it not for the fact that I love my job and currently am very much in need of the money... I would. However, real life comes into play and prevents me from taking such a lovely, sexy vacation. It WOULD be an excellent chance to sneak away from his naked body now and again and see some people I'm already missing terribly, though. *sigh*

Passionate Man says:

Hubby won't find anyone. 90% of the w4m posts on craigslist aren't serious
(spam, joking but not interested, or too hesitant to actually get involved), and
the rest either don't want a married man or won't want him.You're safe. He's
just playing to make himself feel attractive. He probably knows nothing will
come of it, too.

And you know, you're right. He's really just looking. However, my own sister has been a frequent and serious poster on the site looking for some fast nookie. So he knows there real live women on the site. As for other women wanting him... well... who knows. He's not super hot or anything, but he is funny and that counts for something. On the other hand, to my knowledge he's stopped looking. Or certainly isn't looking seriously. I do believe you're right, though, that the vast majority of the women on the site wouldn't bite. It really makes me feel very, very sorry for men....

In a rush

Life is still busy. I'm still tired all the time. But for the most part it's in a good way. And I think habit and a bit more exercise should cure me of the constant tiredness. Mentally, at least I feel pretty fucking awesome. I like my job and I really do get plenty of time off... I'm just still busy on those days, right now.

The sex life is still pretty dead. I was thinking last night that I'm increasingly willing to fuck husband (although he's, once again, stopped asking me) but I'm so totally turned off to approaching him and being denied anymore. I mean, seriously, for a while there I got to the point where I was asking him for sex even when I really didn't want it just to see if he'd say yes. He never did. And then my libido died. And he asked me. And I wasn't just not interested... I absolutely abhorred the idea. However, I still went down and basically helped him reach orgasm without having to fake any particular sexual pleasure on my part.

So now I'm horny again. And husband's stopped asking. And I don't want to ask. And it's really a bit of a problem. I fear we've forgotten how to relate to one another in that way. I'm pretty sure other couples manage to find some way to make their libidos work together. Why can't WE? *sigh*

The night before last I had a sex dream about husband. I can't remember the last one I had like that. I woke up incredibly horny and imagining being fucked. Of course, in my mind it was Keith doing the fucking... my mind drifting joyously back to those two exciting nights far too long ago. He remains the gold standard of sex for me. Eventually I did get out of bed (no orgasm) but last night I was aching.

I went and found my fun balls (since I'm not particularly happy with my current dildo/vibe collection) and fought to slide them inside me. Am I so tight? Are they so big? It was kind of ridiculous and there was much pinching of skin between nails, poking, prodding, and use of lube before I finally made them both disappear in side me. I then spent the next 30 or 35 minutes idly looking at porn and masturbating. Finally, I let myself cum. It was a really pleasant, relaxing orgasm which made the entire annoying situation much more palatable. Afterward, I pulled the balls out of my pussy and they were covered in girl juice. It was really weird to see them that way. It really looked suspiciously like some guy had cum on the balls. It was really, really weird. And really, kind of sexy. I was extremely wet, obviously.

Today will be another very busy day. Probably not much time for orgasm, alas.

I know I've failed to respond to notes, lately. I'll try to make it up tonight... but if I fail, forgive me. Every letter I've typed today has made me later and later for my commitments....

I don't sleep enough

Well, as it turns out my work has me very, very tired. I work several very long days and get three (and a half) days off. It makes for a very, very tired girl since I can't seem to actually fall asleep. I think I'm still too excited about this job.

So, looking back, our anniversary went well. No sex. But we had fun.

God, I'm tired.

Life is...

Yesterday (or was it the day before?) Husband and I were hanging out. I watched a few minutes of Dr. Phil when he had some woman on who said she'd rather eat chocolate than have sex. Husband opened his mouth to comment but before he could get a word out I said "she must be having sex with you." HA! I laughed my ass off and he got really mad. I told him I was only kidding and that he had to admit I was way fucking funny... which he never really did... but he finally told me what he was going to say, which was "she's obviously never had an orgasm." Then he added "it's really better that I didn't say that before you made your comment."

Later on in the evening I offered him some chocolate pudding I made, telling him "you can either have the pudding or you can have sex with me." He surprised me by telling me he'd have sex with me. Although the offer for either the pudding or the sex was not for "right now." Needless to say when I did finally retire to the bedroom for a while I offered him sex and he told me "I'm too tired." When I got back up for late dessert he joined me in having some pudding. Needless to say there was no sex.

I swear I don't bring these things on myself. Other than the fact that I very obviously do. You'd think my mother would have taught me better.

Meanwhile, it's starting to feel like much of my life is coming together. I'm very excited to start my job on Wednesday and I've managed to set it up so I start my volunteer work on Tuesday... a sort of a work-preparation thing. I can get rid of some of my jitters.

Lastly, being the infomercial-whore I am, I avidly watched several repeats of the Magic Bullet infomercial and was utterly sold. I happened to see a set at a local store and snapped it up as a celebration of my new job. I'm currently drinking a strawberry-pineapple-orange-edemame smoothie. I threw the edemame in as an experiment and find I kind of like it... what with the texture and all. I'm thinking about going for one of those "mostly vegetable" smoothies eventually. I might just end up somewhat healthy. Weird.

Things are just looking so much brighter in the future. While I still reasonably expect set backs eventually, the near future is beautiful....

So Excited

As it turns out, I'm gainfully employed again. Well, at least, I will be. Next week. I got exactly the job I wanted and I'm totally excited about it. Even if I decide NOT to follow the career path I've currently got planned out, I will finally be in a position to never, ever, ever have to work retail again. There were some perks (this is me thinking very fondly of my work which put me in contact with more than one guy I slept with) but those were few and far between. Hardly worthwhile. At least in this job I'll get to see more of the kind of folks I like. I hope.

I find myself so befuddled by this having a job starting next week that I keep thinking "oh, I need to go search for more jobs to apply to..." except.. obviously I don't. I'm just not starting yet, is all.

Meanwhile, my anniversary is coming up. It's hard to imagine Husband and I have been together as long as we have. In some ways I guess we both think it's been far too long, but overall... I think we're okay. We still have more of the "big important talks" than I'd like (like none, please) but we're chugging along.

Husband keeps checking craigslist casual encounters. I finally asked him the other day "are you planning on finding someone else to sleep with? Because I'm not sure how I feel about that right now." In some ways it'd make me happy for him to be able to have that kind of casual fun... but I worry he's going to fall in love with someone else and forget to come back. Something I'm painfully familiar with in my own adventures. He claims he's not going to find anyone that way. We'll see....

I had more to write about the last topic but suddenly I'm very, very tired. It's very, very bedtime.

My sister and my husband went to the coast together today. She's got vacation and he isn't working so away they went. Had I not had a job interview I might have been tempted to go, myself. However, neither of them would have wanted to take the dogs and I have this thing where I want to live my life with my boys at my side all the time so they took a day of vacation without me.

I went to the interview and for the most part it went pretty well. The work seemed okay but the people who interviewed me seemed very stressed in some ways. There were a lot of questions of "if terrible things X, Y, and Z happened..." and "if person Y did this what would your response be..." that sort of thing. I've walked away with the suspicion that the reason the job is open is because of the examples they gave. And even as I drove away I was thinking "if they feel like they need to ask those kinds of questions... do I even want to work there...?"

Which really means I need to put in for some more jobs. I'm incredibly disappointed because I haven't heard back from the first place that interviewed me. I think I'd adore that job and be really happy. *sigh* Of course, it's only Monday. But still....

I guess this means I need to put in for more jobs. :-/

So, it's a quiet afternoon here alone in the apartment. I've got the sliding glass door open just a crack and I'm gazing out at the sunlight reflecting off the back fence, the fluffy white clouds in the blue sky, and the wind making the ivy dance. It's a little too cold outside to just go out and enjoy it, but too perfect of a day to keep the windows covered. It feels like an early spring vacation to me. The kind of day where my cabana boy lover comes to give me a massage, pleasure me selflessly, and then leaves me alone with some sweet drink to enjoy the end of the day.

*sigh*

That Show

You know that show, The Shield? It totally blows my mind. TOTALLY BLOWS MY MIND. Let there be no question. My mind? Blown. Totally.

So, like a million years ago Keith told me he digs The Shield and was all "record it for me and send it to me in this foreign country" (to paraphrase). So I totally did and then as it turns out his computer wasn't able to read the dvds for some reason but anyway, I started watching... and thanks to TIVO I kept watching and watching and have seen all but a few episodes multiple times. Like, I *really* like the show and this last season was totally wicked, especially the painfully well shot cliff hanger episode from last season and then there's all this season which is exciting and starting off well... and will (apparently) completely end the series (from what I've read) and it's like... I'm totally excited.

It also helps that I want to take the lead actor and tie him to my bed for a few nights. Or be tied to his. You know, whatever. I'm not picky in this regard. Not when it comes to him, anyway.

So yeah. The Shield... wicked. Mr. Chiklis... not nearly naked enough.

Now that I think about it, how is it that man's managed to avoid the gratuitous nudity I so crave in men of his type? WTF? Seriously. More male nudity. It can be tasteful. But c'mon. Even George Eads (from CSI) has managed a few shirtless scenes and it's not like he's even the "main" character! Dammit.

I know, everything's filmed. It's too late to be crying for nudity. But the man's going to have to do better in this regard. I'll be patient, god knows. But not forever....

Memories....

I messaged Martin the other day as I was waiting outside my interview. I was bored and excited and needed someone to "talk" to, so I sent him a text. He wrote back hours later. We've written back and forth a bit the last few days, it all culminated with tonight. Our desire for one another leaking out a bit. I never know if his girlfriend's nearby. I worry she'll see. But what can she do to me? I worry for him, for my part in it, but I also know he's a big boy who can make his own decisions. It's hard to really contribute to his delinquency from across the country.

Back and forth we went, reminiscing. My brain immediately caught on the fact that I fucked Keith while I was still seeing Martin... of the fact that Martin couldn't compete. My desire for Keith was too strong, the chemistry so perfect. And yet, Martin and I had our fun for a while. Martin was the romantic, or played one so perfectly it made my heart ache a few times.

He told me he still masturbates when he thinks about some of the stuff we did. I smile a little. We were never so wild. Nothing I feel the need to relive so completely, nothing that'll get me off. Is he so easily amused, I wonder? There are really only a couple of things worth mentioning... the first night we were together, the night I sucked his cock while he chatted up his ex on the phone, and the night I stuck my tongue in his ass (an idea stolen directly from Keith's playbook, I might add). I can guess which one he chooses to remember so vividly.

But, none the less it woke up a longing in me. Got me thinking about how it felt to be around Martin, about my imaginings of what the good parts about being his girlfriend would be. Of course, it also made me think about the bad parts... but the good parts were the focus.

When it came to be bed time, I tried to seduce husband but nothing doing...

News

I spent the last hour snuggling with Husband. "I'm glad to be your wubby" he told me. I'm glad, too.

Today's already been... something. One of my ratties is dying. Well, not just dying. I'm having her put down today. That'll be the second since we moved here. She's not really a surprise, I suppose. She's around 2 1/2-3 years old which is a decent life for a ratty. Still, it hurts.

Meanwhile, I've already gotten a call back from the job I interviewed for, calling for a second interview. And I have an interview for another, similar, job next week.

Things are looking up just past the ratty's inevitable death.

Thoughts

Last night, I came onto husband. Several times. each time he was less than receptive. The last time, he escaped the room as quickly as he could. He wanted nothing to do with my advances. Typical.

I ended up having a non-sexual dream about Keith. I have, for the most part, accepted that Keith isn't a real, stable part of my life and never will be. And in the dream, it was much the same. He was there with his wife and kids (which in reality is his exwife) moving from where I live now to where I used to live. I went to help because as it turned out in the dream, Keith knew someone else I knew and I was able to be there as a stranger. He kept touching me in his familiar, delightful way when no one was looking and making me utterly mad with desire. Eventually his (apparently) mentally ill wife told everyone to leave because no one was helping. I looked helplessly at Keith, but he knew better than to argue with her. It was a really weird dream, but I woke up sad and longing for him. *sigh* In fact, Keith has moved to the same area I was in for the last 8 years. It tears me up that I missed him. In fact, it occurred to me that he may have flown into an airport a mere 20 minutes away. And I find myself disappointed that there was no chance I'd see him.

Anyway.

Oh, and I read your comment to my husband, no_more_secrets. He told me he's going to run over to my sister's house next time and say "screw it, we should just have sex." He doesn't think that'll go over very well.

Joy

Well, I'm not really, really happy. But I'm pretty happy. I had an interview this morning. It was the first response I got from putting in for a job I'd really love to do. Something I hadn't dared put in for, before. After all, what do I have to offer? But as it turns out... something. So I went to the interview and because of the unpredictability of traffic... and my own fear of being late... I ended up getting there and HOUR early. Eek. So I sat in the car and played with my ipod and sent text messages and finally went inside 15 minutes early.

The interview, which I was concerned would go terribly, went really, really well. I walked out of there in just the most excellent mood. Even if I don't get the job, it was a really, seriously positive interviewing experience that gave me a hell of a lot more confidence about my interviewing abilities. I was really happy.

Having done that, overall I'm in a way better mood than I've been in months. Way better. And maybe, just maybe, Husband will get some tonight. Maybe.

I have another, similar interview scheduled for next week. Hopefully I'll shine as brightly in that one and be offered that job. While I'm not sure it's a realistic hope (any more than I thought this one was) it is closer to what I have in mind. However, this job would be a GREAT stepping stone in moving towards what I want to do "in real life." And maybe, ultimately, be a great stopping point for me. It's a job I could be proud of, in and of itself.

So yeah. It's been a lovely day.

Makes me wish I had a boy toy to share the excitement with. But you know, maybe I can just do that with husband. Maybe.

The conversation I had

So after my post regarding my husband's sex drive and my feelings of amusement I got to thinking some more. Last night while we were making dinner together and I told him about the post and about my belief that I don't live in a world where my husband and my sister are having an affair... but perhaps I'm too confident about that.

He stared at me and then laughed "what, do you mean it?"

"Well," I told him, "one of the signs one's spouse is having an affair is an increased interest in sex. Like maybe having sex makes you want to have more sex... or it throws the person's suspicion off."

"I'm not having sex with your sister. I'm just horny."

"Right... so you go over there to pick something up and stay for an hour? Booty call?"

He shook his head, looking utterly perplexed. "You know, if I'm going to be accused of having an affair, I'd really prefer it be when I'm actually getting some from someone!"

I laughed at that and said, "you'd say that though, wouldn't you? You know there's nothing you can say that'll convince me you're not. And, really, they say if you suspect your spouse is having an affair they probably ARE."

He shook his head at me.

I wasn't completely serious. And he knew that. But it was a conversation I felt like I needed to have. I really DON'T think I live in a world where my husband and my sister would fuck... and I try to be pretty realistic. But there's always that doubt that I don't have the control over and understanding of my life that I think I do.

Which led me to confess my secret pleasure in denying him sex. He didn't find it nearly as amusing as I did, but he also didn't seem to feel very offended. "The difference," I told him, "is that sometimes I put out anyway." He couldn't deny it.

And oddly, it really wasn't a particularly tense conversation. Afterward, however, he went for the pepto bismul for heartburn. I gazed at him open mouthed "oh!" He stared at me quizzically "I have heartburn." "Yeah, after a stressful conversation! Oh my god!" He rolled his eyes in response and said "I had it BEFORE." Uh huh.

Another Part of Me

So I was laying in bed thinking about things. Everything. So of course, I couldn't sleep.

I've mentioned before the fact that my husband has become suddenly sexualized. Not like I used to be, but certainly more sexual than he's been since we first got married. I suppose in some ways this is a warning sign of an affair... and the only person he could possibly be having an affair with is my sister... but I can't seem to believe the likelihood. Some people lead lives where that sort of thing is a real possibility... I'm not one of those people. Anyway, that was a tangent....

Meanwhile, as husband's libido increases, mine has dropped off dramatically. Sex? No thanks. And everytime husband asks or even hints, I find myself laughing manaically inside and turning him down. "Gee, what's that like?" I ask him, snidely, reminding him of all the times I've been desperate to be touched and he's denied me.

I don't really mean it be vindictive... but really, I am a bit. I do still put out now and again, giving him blow jobs and hand jobs and the like. Far more than he ever did for me. However, I realize I'm still incredibly resentful of the last several years.

In fact, it occurred to me that I'm even resentful that I was forced to look for sex outside our home. Which isn't to say it hasn't been very enjoyable. I've reveled in that freedom. However, the operative word is "forced."

Anyway, I find myself having mixed and somewhat angry emotions about a lot of things. This is just one of them. I know there's a place and a way of thinking that will make me more accepting of the whole situation, but I've lost that place. Mostly, I'm just vengeful. And it makes me smile in an evil, evil way.

I don't feel like even this is a marriage breaker. I try hard not to visit my cruelty on him too often. Really, it should be never. And I'm working on it. But god damn, I'm spiteful....