Growing up there were a lot of weird things that happened in my house. A lot of them. Things that I never realized were weird, and in fact have slowly been finding out are weird. It's one of the many, many reasons I don't want children. What if I discover that something I think is perfectly normal to do to or with your children is really something super fucked up that never occurred to me as being super fucked up because I grew up with it? Yeah, there are have been realizations, some of them within the last few years.

As I've gotten older and realized how really terrible my very young life was, I've also realized that it wasn't just the doing of one or two people, but rather a strange amalgamation of events and people who found one another and discovered a mutual love of perversion and abuse all converging on me.

Even more recently I've been introduced to the knowledge that one of my close relatives raped someone, once. And apparently, at some point intended to do the same thing to me, if he was able to get close enough. It's awfully hard to explain it all, but it's really shocking to discover something like that.

I spent a lot of years trying to figure out sex. I spent several years enjoying casual sex and sex that was less casual. As hard as it has been for me to figure out my place in this world, I can't help but be thankful that it wasn't made a lot harder by this man. As it is, I find myself already mentally recoiling from sexuality just having learned this thing.

I don't know where this knowledge will take me. I hope I'm able to process it and quickly move on without dwelling too much. Especially since I'm a dweller! Big time.