He told me I kiss like a nymphomaniac on parole. He's about right there. I love kissing. I love all sorts of touch, but the feel of another's lips on my own is irreplaceable.

The Ex really taught me the wonders of kissing. That man knew his way around lips. It was one of those things I couldn't get enough of with him. As soon as his mouth was on mine I was at and ready for him. It was never a question: if our lips met it wouldn't be long before I was welcoming his hard cock inside me.

Dan kisses me very similarly. He seems to like it, too. He told me her hadn't made out with someone as much as he had been with me since he was a teenager. I'm pretty sure I haven't made out with anyone at much as I have with him since The Ex.

Disappointingly, Husband had never figured out how to kiss. Too​ much tongue. Sometimes I find he's engulfed my entire mouth with his own, as he looks for depth in kissing I just don't crave.

Unfortunately for Dan and I, he got sick and now I am. I actually had to go to the doctor to get medication for a head cold that had taken over my entire brain. Kissing has been off the table which has been a form of torture for me.

I'm so impatient to taste his mouth again.

Maybe I need too much.

No, I know I need too much. That's not even really in doubt. I'm 38 years old, have a career I'm happy with, a marriage that is okay, a house, a family of sorts. And I still want a boyfriend.

And not just someone I fuck occasionally. I want someone whose company I enjoy and can seek out for even nonsexual things.

What I'm not looking for is a new husband. I don't want to move in. I don't want him to move in with me. I don't want to share bills or cars.

A true friend with benefits. And maybe the problem is that I look at the benefits first and then hope for a friend. I'm not so good the other way around.

I've met with Dan a few more times since our initial meeting at the library. Always in his bed. He kisses me against the wall in the hallway. Then we go into his bedroom where I waste no time getting naked.

The first time I warned him if I had my way he would be inside me within two minutes of my arrival, if I just knew where the bed was. He told me via text, so there was no question he agreed with my plan. I think it took a little longer than that, but not much.

That first day we alternated between fucking and snuggling and chatting. He thought it was fun to ask me a question with a long answer and then slide his cock inside me. Then he'd remind me to answer.  I mostly couldn't.

I think he's the first man I've known who can fuck a while and then take a break, letting his cock go soft and touching me sweetly before getting hard again and fucking me some more. Over and over.  I'm not sure how he doesn't get painful.

He holds me and kisses me and compliments me. The first day when he fucked me he told me to look at him. I resisted a little. Keith is the only man I've ever had sex with who I naturally just really wanted to look at. I loved to see his eyes and the expression on his face.

Still, I'm a people pleaser so I did my best to meet Dan's eyes. It's easier now. He has shaped what could be nothing more than a booty call into something much more intimate.  I like to look at him and I love the way he looks at me. The last time we were together he looked at me with this glowing softness about him. He was looking at me like he loves me.

"Stop it," I told him. "Stop what?" He asked with a knowing smirk. "Stop looking at me like that." "Like what?" He asked. "You know,"  I said. "Say it," he demanded.  But I refused. I don't want to acknowledge that there is anything more than as fabulous crush and some delightful sex.

Still, he's a very sexy, passionate, and incredibly romantic guy who really enjoys the sensuality and intimacy that can be part of a fulfilling sexual relationship. It's hard to resist falling into that trap. I know I look at him much the same way he looks at me.

I hunger for his kisses and the way he touches, talks, and interacts with me. I need that kind of sweetness, the gentleness that he brings into the bedroom while still fucking me hard and talking dirty to me.

I don't mind so much not having anyone read this. What I find is, looking back, the urging I like is actually being able to look back. I can review parts of my life I would have forgotten otherwise. Details lost to the fallibility of memory.

The draw  back: my use of nicknames, I can't always match my use of a name to a face. Real names are forgotten and now some faces, too.

Would it have made a difference years ago if I'd used real names? Probably not. Should I change that now? Probably not.

I met a new man yesterday. His name was Rick. Rick has a big dick. One of the biggest I've had the pleasure of seeing on a real man although I haven't seen in real life. Yet.

Yesterday we just introduced ourselves it was a quick meeting because I had to go back to work. Although he's only got a few years on me he looks a little older than that. He has a nice smile and kind eyes.

At the end of our meeting I shook his hand. We were in front of my work where anyone could see. I had a brief moment where I almost kissed him it just seemed so natural. But I recalled myself and let him walk away.

I've let him watch me shower on cam twice now. He likes to watch me soap up my breasts. And I like to watch him watching. Last night he was at work watching. It was a game to see if I could make him hard and for him to see if he can maintain control.

I guess he won.

He said he would text me today to see if he could get away to meet again. I haven't heard from him. I wasn't sure what the point was anyway. I don't have anywhere private to go and neither does he.

Disappointment

We agreed to get together a few days later.  Early in the day where we could spend several hours doing whatever sounded sexy and fun.  But I had plans. So we agreed I would text him and let him know when my plans were done and then I'd go to his house.  That morning my planned meeting went fairly quickly so I texted him as much.  He didn't respond.

I went home and got some breakfast, went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and waited.  But nothing came.  I text him again and used another method of contact.  Nothing. I started chatting with another possible conquest and told him a tiny bit about the guy I was planning to meet and my frustration with his lack of text.  I gave him until 11 to respond.  11 Came and went.  The guy I was talking to pointed it out.  And I got upset.

I cried.  I cried because here I had finally met someone again, after ten years, and he'd let me down.  I'd let him inside me and gave him a modicum of trust and he'd thrown it in my face.  I couldn't make it make sense.  This went against everything I knew about this guy.  He was supposed to be communicative and thoughtful.  The kind of guy who wouldn't leave a person hanging without telling them "thanks but no thanks."  He'd written about it.  And here I was, worth less to him than even a quick comment.  Maybe he was dead. I didn't know.  I just knew I had been looking forward to this tryst and just got fucked, but not in the way I wanted.

The guy I was chatting with asked if he masturbated for me if it would help.  I tearily declined.  To be fair, I'd watched him before and was pretty fascinated, but I didn't want to share my teary face with him.

A little later I got a dozen texts from the one I was supposed to meet. All of them came in a second or two, all at once.  Lots of "where are you?  Hello? Must have been a bad first meeting..." among other things.  Fuck me.  I was crying over nothing.  But it still hurt.  I texted him back.  I could tell he got that one.  But I'd written to him using another method of contact, pre-agreed upon and he hadn't responded to that either.  And then the texts broke again.

We finally got a third program and were able to talk.  By then it was too late to see him.  And I looked like I'd been crying.  Because I had been.  Even then, my heart so broken not just from the disappointment but from the fact that I was so easily heartbroken over something like this.

We scheduled another date for the next day.  I made him give me his address and a time.

That night I got drunk.  It was nice.

At the Library

He warned me that he would be dressed very casually and unshaved. Seeing as it was two AM, I didn't much care. I just knew the ache between my legs was still unsatisfied and he might be able to help.

I paced outside the closed library for a while after I got there, waiting.  He pulled his car into the lot a few minutes after our agreed meeting time and I waited for him to get out.

My heart started to pound as anxiety took over. "Are you my Uber?" I joked nervously. "What?" he asked. Yeah.

Much of the rest of the few minutes are a blur of me being incredibly nervous. All my excitement was fine, replaced almost completely by cold fear. Not that I thought he was going to hurt me. I was just nervous in a way I haven't been in a very, very long time.  He could tell.

It was cold outside.  I stood in the parking lot with him for a minute and then told him we should get into the car.  He invited me into the back seat and I joined him, awkwardly.  I put my cold hand in his and pointed out how very cold it was.  He tried to warm it, but there was no hope.  Too many nerves.

I sat across from him, asking him questions.  I finally joked that I was interviewing him.  Then I realized I really was interviewing him. I liked his voice.  I don't remember most of what he said, though he ran down his professional life and some of his experiences with online hookups.  He's a good storyteller.

At some point he put my leg up across his leg.  I could feel the warmth of his skin.  He caressed my leg.  He complimented me.  I laughed at his compliment and told him to stop. His instantaneous response to stop touching me was unexpected, "stop what?  touching you?" he said, or something like it.  I don't remember what I said.  But he stopped.  I was confused, somewhat embarrassed and trying to parse what exactly had happened.

We kept talking.  A while later he readjusted both of us so his arm was around me, I was leaning on him and he rubbed my arm.  Another compliment.  More embarrassment on my part. And then he asked me some question.  I remember telling him I liked his touch.  That must have been the "yes" he was looking for because that's when he was done waiting. With a deliberate movement his mouth found mine.

He's a good kisser.  Not like the Ex with his deft ability to take me from 0 to completely wet in a few seconds, but not far behind.  Of course, by then I was already wet, so it didn't much matter anyway.  His lips were soft, his tongue warm, and busy.

Much of the rest of the time we were together is a blur.  I was tired, but excited.  His fingers were inside me fairly quickly and it felt amazing.  He continued to kiss me and I ran my hands over his body, feeling his hair, the heat coming off his skin. Eventually he asked me to touch his cock. I don't remember the words.  I just know I was lost in the feel of his mouth and his fingers and it took me a moment.  His pants had some kind of tie.  I couldn't figure it out.  He finally undid it for me, pulling his waistband down far enough to expose his cock.

I remember taking it in my mouth, it fit so nicely, soft, hot, smooth.  Amazing. He continued to finger me while he could, asked me a few questions. Questions that broke me out of my passionate, sleepy stupor and confused me. Then finally asked me something like "how long are you going to do that?" at least, that's what I heard.  I smiled against his cock "all night."  He may have laughed, "I'm okay with that."  I finally thought about what he'd said.  I sat up and asked him about a condom, which he quickly produced and put on in a practiced motion.

Somewhere in there I attempted to find a way to get his front seats to lay down into more of a bed-like formation but couldn't figure it out.

I ended up sitting back, practically on his lap and then kind of shrugged. With his help I ended up sliding his cock into me in that position.  As I sat holding on to the front seat, bounced on his cock for a minute or so "I've never done it this way" I commented.  At some point he told me we should go outside so he could fuck me.

We walked over behind the library.  It was very close to the back of a house.  He pushed me forward, bending me at the waist so I pulled up my long coat and pulled down my pants, baring my ass to him and the night.  Moments later he was inside me.  "You have to be quiet" he said, firmly before he began to move.

Well. I tried to be quiet.  But I'm not sure I managed it.  I hadn't had a cock in me in almost two years and nothing feels better to me than doggy style.  I love the way his cock head hit my gspot with each thrust.  It was amazing.  And I had to be quiet.  I tried.  I swear I did.  But he came after a few more strokes.  I think he decided it was either he finish or someone would find us.

We walked back to the car and I realized my hands were covered in sap.  Not sexy.  He dropped me at my house, kissing me a delicious goodbye and I went inside to deal with the sap situation.  Once that was done I crawled into bed and began looking for porn.  I still hadn't come, much to my disappointment.  He'd tried.  He'd even offered to eat my pussy but I declined at that point.

An hour or so later he came back online and we chatted for a few minutes.  He asked if I came.  I told him I hadn't and he was disappointed.  "I would have done more if I'd realized.  I also thought you were going right to bed or I'd have taken you back to my house."  We made a tentative date for a few days later.

I didn't get to come.  I just couldn't make it happen for some reason that night.  But I was left with some delicious memories, anyway.

Welcome back!

I. Have. Finally. Broken. The. Streak.

Fuck yes!

I haven't seen my delicious salesman in about a month. We email business things but it is all so formal. Exactly what I don't want to be with him.

I digress.

So after being off birth control for several months my libido suddenly decided it was done being dormant.

I was pet sitting. Alone in a big house. At some point I became ravenous for sex. I finally, against my better judgement, opened a new personals account.  Because I need sex pretty much immediately. Like, let me go stand on street corner or start knocking on doors.

Needless to say when I finally started getting some responses it was late. Plus I remembered that I have standards. There was maybe one guy I thought I'd fuck. But for some reason it couldn't work out. A wife, perhaps?  I forget.

I ended up masturbating to a pretty spectacular orgasm and fell asleep in the wee hours. When I woke up hours later, I realized what was happening. My period. Still horny, but that was quickly quashed by miserable pain.  It was sort of like my uterus was punishing me for not giving it what it wanted ( which in reality is probably a baby but in my mind is just dick).

Once I recovered from a terrible, painful day I was still miserably horny.  Oh, and did I forget to mention I had a cold?  I wanted to fuck, but couldn't stop coughing and blowing my nose. Hot, right?

And now I also had blood to worry about. Not normally something I normally find problematic, but this wasn't my bed or my pristine white sheets that undoubtedly cost more than they were paying me to sleep in them.

I spent the week masturbating with just about every sex toy I own. Masturbating, watching porn, and Chatting up guys I couldn't actually fuck.

When I finally got home, I told Husband I was looking for a man with which to entertain myself. I worried a lot that he would be upset. He didn't say anything about it, really. Hurray!

And so I kept looking. For some reason, and I don't know what, men sending me dick pics suddenly didn't bother me. "Send them, so I might come" I thought.

Really, though. I was shopping. And fuck it, if I'm looking for a man to use I might we'll make sure I'm as happy with the package as with the packaging.

One guy thoroughly impressed me with a big thick cock I almost didn't believe. It wasn't the first picture he sent, but close enough. Decent looking and something abnormally large but not silly?  Yes, please.

He let me watch him masturbate so I let him watch me shower. I could hear him moan as I washed my breasts slowly, mesmerized by the way he tucked his cock partway between his thighs while still rubbing it until he came. Oh to have been there.

He was more handsome than I'd realized, his photos not doing him justice. And watching him masturbate to me? Yesss. I needed him nright the fuck now.

Then he disappeared on some kind of planned trip. And I could still feel the hot ache between my legs moaningly empty.

So I kept looking. And last night there was this guy. He was one of those types that writes in full sentences. Uses words I used to look up in the dictionary. And swears he's going to fuck me into another realm. Or something like that.

He was mentally quick and wrote at a pace and with a certain turn of phrase that had me very quickly hooked. I kept thinking of his fingers must have been flying across the keyboard and what that speed and attention to detail would mean to me. Whatever he was offering, I was ready to accept. I finally had to ask for his cock pic, just to make sure the attraction would last through his pants coming off.

It was at least acceptable. And so, after much hemming and hawing and lack of sleep I finally agreed to meet him outside the library at two AM.

Salesman

I stopped using my birth control. Not because I want to get pregnant. It was an oversight really. But then I remembered how much I love being off birth control. My hormones are running free again.

I have been dealing with a salesman, trying to sell me on a rather expensive item for my company. I want it very badly. I also want him.

As he was describing all the wonderful things his product does, I was thinking about fucking him. I noted the ring on his finger.

When I talked to him again later, asking for some pricing info, I wanted to ask him if sexual favors weeks change pricing at all. Could I give him a blow job to seal the deal, maybe?

I wonder what he'd be like bed. If I sucked his dick would he lay back, moaning his pleasure letting me tease him toward orgasm? Or would he make a fist in my hair, forcing his cock into my throat using me for his release.

I'm not the kind of girl to go looking to run a marriage. But I love the forbidden. And I want to know if he's as confident in bed as he is in a meeting.

Hungry

I'm painfully cock hungry right now.  I crave a good man to attend my needs. Not someone who obsesses his own pleasure but who shares in mine the same way I share in his.  Yes, I want hard fucking that lasts hours.  But preferably from someone who enjoys it as much as I. 

It feels like an impossible request.

At work there's a long time client who had done some work for us as well.  I suspect he'd be delicious in bed.  Thoughtful, if not as shameless and endlessly hungry as I am.  No doubt Keith I his endless understanding of my needs would encourage that tryst.  And the details.  But I worry about that interaction and the ramifications. 

I'm not enough of a sex addict to damage my job... Or take the chance.

But dammit.  I'm hungry.

Sex dreams with a dark twist.

Keith wrote to me the other day. Just a brief "hey" and not much more.  Somehow it was enough to awaken my longing for his nakedness. But last night I somehow cast my lust on to Mads Mikkelson.  I've watched Hannibal and never really lusted after the man.  And then maybe I did.

Then last night I had a series of dreams that cemented my desire.  He was Hannibal and I was drugged.  He fingered me and let me ride his hand to near orgasm just clinically enjoying my body's struggle for release. He let me stuck on his other finger, giving me the opportunity to taste his flesh and work toward seducing him.  I came in a strangely gentle and barely satisfying way.  He kissed me and my entire self was focused on the feel of his lips and tongue. 
I could hear my husband banging his feet on something, trying to escape some kind of bonds in another room.  Mads left and I could hear an unforgiving impact of his fist.  Then silence.  I felt guilty and angry then just lust again.  There was, of course a very dark psychological element to all of this.  Very Hannibal.  He ultimately wounded me gently, tenderly, regretfully leaving me to die.  Maybe. 

I woke from my dreams and had to masturbate to relax.  But now my nipples are achy and want to feel the scrape of his teeth, the wetness of his tongue, and the hard sucking of his lips.  I want my nipples left swollen and red and uncomfortable so I can remember the feel of his mouth on me for days.

My pussy is empty.  I can only hope going back to sleep will fill it, at least in my dreams.

Memories...

Looking back at one of my first lovers after I got married I realize that despite being about 21 and him being about 29 we were both very much teenagers. He was very tentative and gentle. He wanted to be "kinky" but had a hard time really expressing it. He loved to finger me and watch my reactions. He studied my pussy like it was fascinating. We fooled around for weeks but only fucked once. Very teenagerish. I'm glad I had him but I cannot imagine waiting that long to feel a cock inside me. I don't think I could let a man take things at such a slow pace ever again.

Man, he had a huge cock.

Yes!

Now I can use my phone to post. But will I?

Support

As predatory as it may be, I think looking for a sex partner at a sex addicts support group might be really easy.  Of course, I tend to think the sort of person who would attend one of those meetings probably has a lot of OTHER things going on... so maybe I'm wrong there.  But there's only one way to find out for sure, right?

Speaking of threesomes....

Who doesn't love the idea of a threesome?  (That is a rhetorical question, for sure).

Above is a screen capture of one of the things I'd love to experience.  Except, you know, I want me two men... not two women.  But I'll take what I can get.  Maybe.  And I'm not sure that's the best position to experience the delight of a tongue on my clit and a cock in my pussy.  But I'm willing to try!

Of course, keep in mind that both of the guys would have to be bi and not so into one another as to ignore ME.  Because I'm the star of this show, dammit....

Need it.

I'm going through one of those phases.  Where I want it allllll the time.  Dammit.

David! I don't want to lose my virginity to a piece of fruit!

So I'm watching a movie about an English girl.  One of the plot points is about her losing her virginity at 17.  The man she chooses brings a banana to bed and manages to ruin the moment.

It made me laugh.  I lost my virginity to an empty bottle of Martinelli's cider.  I'm sure, as a company, they'd be very proud.

Anyway, I'm glad I took care of THAT piece of business by myself, because damn it hurt.  Needless to say once the shock had worn off, I was done masturbating for a while.  I always think I was really lucky, because I'm pretty sure had I been with a man... it would have been really anticlimactic.

Unless, maybe, it was with Keith.  Because, you know, I think I'd have gotten over it really fast.

Damn, I miss that man.  Will I pine forever?

Tonight....

Tonight is the last night I'll be spending at my friend's house.  I got a little melancholy last night.  But just a bit.

Keith sent me a lovely instant message.  Wonderfully, tragically romantic.  Don't ever let him tell you he can't write.  Or that he's not a romantic.  He's both.

I got to thinking about my desire to have a local stud to whose services I could call on as needed.  What a delight it would be to watch a house and have the freedom to have my lover come eat dinner with me or... of me.  Someone to relax and snuggle with away from home.  To play house, knowing it would only last a few delicious days before life we both returned to normal life again.

Can you imagine if I had posted that kind of invitation on Craig's list?  Can you imagine the types of responses I'd get?

But of course, the entire time I was imagining Keith draped across the couch in his white t-shirt.  Waiting impatiently for me to finish watering the plants or whatever chore I needed to do before I could spend the rest of the evening wrapped in his arms, tasting his skin....

So much to do, so much to see...

A photo from our recent trip to the lake.

I'm still looking for great things to do.  In a sense, my life will be on hold for a week while I stay at a friend's place, watching their cats and home.  I've never actually done this sort of thing before, and it'll be weird to be a few mere miles from home but not actually AT home.

You'd think this would be a great opportunity to hook up.  But I think that might be a very, very bad idea.  I'd absolutely do it if I had a guy I already knew.  Right, Keith?  Damn you for being so far away.  Damn ALL the men I've adored for being so far away.  You all suck.

So it'll be a week of lazing around someone else's house.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to bring my computer over so I can have something to do.  Otherwise, I might go CRAZY.  Can't live without the 'nets.

Ch-ch-changes...

God I hate that song.

So my life has been changing a lot again.  They say you change a lot in your 20's and in your 30's you finally settle in.  Apparently I'm about 10 years behind my peers in this....

I spent the day doing a photography workshop.  It was a gift from a friend.  I haven't gone to a "class" in years and certainly nothing like this.  I left the house feeling great anxiety but since I arrived almost an hour early, I managed to relax by the time class started.  And oh my god.  The teacher.  Man.  He was charismatic AND hot.  I had to keep myself from following him around the entire day.

I ended up befriending a fellow classmate, a guy who had at least a few years on me.  He'd have done me, if he had the chance.  I might have even considered giving him a chance.  Turns out, these workshops are great places to hook up!  But other than some vague flirting, he never bothered to make a move and I wasn't interested enough to make one of my own.

It was awfully nice meeting people who had the same sorts of interest as I, and there was a real variety of people there.  I had a lot of fun!

Tomorrow, I'm going for a hike to a lovely lake.  We'll spend the day there, swimming and relaxing.  An ultra-mini vacation.

My life is changing.  I'm becoming a more interesting person.  I think this all bodes well for the future....

Hey! A milestone!

As it turns out, this is my 1,002 post.  I'd have thought I'd write more.

So you want to know if I'm going to be posting more?  The answer is... well... unlikely.  I still don't have anything but fantasy to talk about.  Fantasy and masturbation.  Which in a sense is fine... but (in my opinion) is best for filling in missing action... you know... like in real life.  But not as a main meal, even if it's the only thing I've been surviving on for far too long.  Frankly, unless I start banging some other guy, I probably won't be writing much about a sex life (don't hold me to it).

As to Husband, he's not doing anything with himself right now.  However, he has an appointment with a doctor in the coming month and I'm hoping they'll put him on an antidepressant and... then maybe his libido will be even less than it was!  Ha ha.  Wait, this is not going to work out like I'd hoped....

Meanwhile, I've pretty much been continuously wet for several days.  The fact that I'm reading a lot of erotica is certainly helping with that.