Canceled

I was supposed to go back for more testing, but my doctor cancelled it.  My dreams of seeing my beloved nurse-man are over.  I'm sure he doesn't work "regular" hours, so I undoubtedly couldn't count on seeing him this time, anyway.  But I'd hoped.

When I got the call cancelling my 2nd appointment my heart was heavy in my chest.  I'd already had a bad day and knowing I'd lost the chance to see my handsome man was very disappointing.  It all reminded me of living on the military base, hoping the hot boys I adored would come in and visit with me.  I miss that.  A lot.

I like the feelings the hormones give me.  I excitement, the happiness.  I crave it.  I was never so happy as I was during that time those years ago, surrounded by crush-able men.  I'm a flirtation junkie.  I can't deny it.  Is that wrong?

Hoooospital

I spent the night at the hospital last night.  No surprise, it was a planned thing.  Nothing to worry about, more preventative medicine than anything.  As with every other time in my life I have visited a hospital, I had a terrible night's sleep.  If it's not someone wandering in to take a temperature or check a vital then it's someone coming in to check a wire or prod at a sore spot.  Good times.

I was put in the capable hands of a gentleman who, well, he was kind of hot.  He put his hands in a lot of places and I tried very hard to make sure neither of us was uncomfortable about it.  However, after he left the room and I lay down to sleep I found my brain linger on him.  Instead of sleeping.  While he'd been setting me up for my evening at the hospital he'd described his own experience having similar work done.  And it made me envision him shirtless.  Naked.  OMG how I am supposed to sleep like this?

I forced myself to think of something else.  After all, my heart rate was being monitored.  But all night long I found myself drifting back to thoughts of him getting naked.  Getting me naked.  Oh, my.  I mean, he was at my god damned beck and call.  ALL NIGHT LONG.  When I needed to get up, he was right there, offering me a firm hand (to make sure I didn't disturb the equipment), so gentlemanly.

I lay back and imagined doing so many things to him and with him and... slept almost not at all.  Well, I can't say it was because of him.  But he certainly made the insomnia bearable....

And then I came home and had to masturbate while thinking about him.  It's been a while since I've felt that way about anyone.  I don't know what he thought of me, but I hope he'd be flattered to know he gave me a very nice orgasm.

Sixty-something.

So I'm sitting there, masturbating to some nice porn.  A guy going down on this (very porn-looking) chick.  And I'm thinking "Oh, here we go again.  Rush through the oral sex so she can get to you" and then I did what I often do, which is skip ahead to see if I'm right... and... I was wrong.  He was down there a long time.  Granted it was still very fake porn head... but I'll try to settle.  Skip ahead a little more and... oh, 69.  I can get into that.

I've never been a big fan of the simultaneous oral sex thing.  There's something about the idea of "sitting on" someone's face that just totally skeeves me.  I cannot cope with it.  Give me another position (side by side for instance) and I'm there.  Of course, it's not hard to flip things around once the fun has started, but just don't mention the sitting thing.  Distract me, please.

I've heard other people talk about how they DON'T like 69 because it really is distracting.  Apparently it's too hard to both give and receive at the same time.  Or hard to enjoy either.  I fully admit my experience is limited.  But one of the times I've experienced it, I really did get distracted while sucking his cock.  Not enough to stop, mind you.  I mean, that'd just be wrong.  But distracted enough to become a mindless, deep throating, sucking machine.  All the things that usually bother me about sucking cock (teeth biting into the tender skin of my lips, for instance) were suddenly non-issues.

I won't lie, I didn't get off.  Maybe that mindlessness turned him off.  Or maybe he realized he was going to blow and I wasn't there, yet.  All I know is that I like to suck cock while I masturbate... so why NOT 69?

BCP

So I'm on a birth control pill now.  Not really to prevent pregnancy but... you know, I'll use it for that, too.

I read somewhere (where?!?)  recently that someone thinks of taking their birth control pill as a daily reminder that they're NOT having sex.  A shame, really.  I'm thinking of it as a reminder that I CAN.  Score!

A More Serious Subject...

"...They had to go to foster care for a couple of days, how'd the little ones handle that...?"

"They were frightened to death. I mean... it was horrible because the kids were scared, frightened, didn't know where they were going.  Mommy and daddy didn't know where they were going and it was gut wrenching.  It really was."

 I transcribed that (minus the identifying or unnecessary portions of the wording) from a CNN hosted interview because I heard that emotional description and wonder why the fuck no one uses that to describe ALL the children who go into foster care.  I mean, yes, there are a few who handle it really well, couldn't care less where they are.  Some are even grateful.  But I assure you, the vast majority of children who are taken from their homes (no matter how terrifying) feel all the same things as those adored little ones described above.

The parents are suing their local government for the heartache and pain caused by the "mistaken" removal of their children.  I suspect it'll be a lot of years and a lot of appeals before this ends.  And really, as a child of the foster care system I can't help but hope IF a settlement does come out of this, that it doesn't come out of the lives of the foster kids who do need to be in the system.  And really, I hope they lose their case, because you know, much as I know it was a terrible, terrifying experience for all of them... it's more important that they DO catch people who abuse their kids than NOT cause a few days of upset.

But then I don't have kids.  So what do I know?

Gimme Gimme Some

I'm reading this fantasy novel and there was a (very tame) sex scene in it.  Which was unexpected and exceptionally well written.  I found myself trying to snuggle with Husband.  He was in a bad mood.  Fuck, his timing is awful.

Meanwhile, it's that time of the month (although in my case, you know I mean YEAR) and I'm going through all the normal PMS-y, horny things I go through this time of the month.  It's been a while since I've been at this level of sadness.  It's kind of funny, because I recognize it for what it is and it feels old and familiar and sort of comfortable.  Even while I'm sad.

When husband finally came around to snuggling, he started to get a hard on.  Of course I have my period and he knew it by then.  Sex is sooooo uncomfortable during the first day or two of my period.  But oh, god how I want it.  If husband had actually tried to fuck me, I'd have been all over him anyway....

The thing is...

I was browsing, thinking I could use a few new casual wear shirts.  In my search, I came across the shirt included here.

At which point I seriously thought to myself "I'd NEVER wear that."  Not because it's ugly, a bad design, or even not my style.  No no.  It's because it'd be likely that a person wearing this shirt to be eaten by zombies.  It's comic relief and I don't want to be the comic relief.

Yeah.  I thought that.  Because, you know, zombies are real. And life is a movie.

Servers!

It's raining out.  Gmail is down.  Warcraft servers are down.  I've already worked 11 hours this week (when I would normally have worked none yet).  Dammit!  What a crappy "weekend" this has been for me.  Really this post was a test to see if blogger is down, too.  Because I would have found it funny.

I don't really mind the rain.

Argh!

I tried posting the other day and blogger said "I'm broken." That was that.

So, let's see. I have a sick cat. The vet is currently at almost as much as a loss as I am as to what the hell is going on. It's all urinary but isn't making much sense via ultrasound, urinalysis, culture, etc. Switching to a urinary diet isn't ideal since she's got food allergies. One way or the other she's kind of fucked. It's very frustrating and I'm in the middle of dealing with another major episode from her. I'm starting to get the picture that it's the stress of going to the vet that's causing the problem... but I can't prove it, yet.

I made a doctor's appointment for myself. I want to get on one of the new birth controls and finally get officially diagnosed with the PCOS I so obviously have. And then deal with that. Unfortunately, it's a new doctor for me which means I get to wait a long-ass time before I can get in. Suck. But at least I've made the appointment! And then they'll diagnose me with high blood pressure and I'll claim it's at least partially because I'm afraid of the white coats!

My period has gotten so out of control, I honestly can't remember the last time I got it. It was... months ago. 4? More? I don't know! I've spotted a few times and have gone through the whole PMS episode this month. I thought for sure I'd get my period, especially due to an increased horniness factor that always comes on. The day before I become desperate and insatiable which I experienced as well as a little spotting and then... nothing. Just another normal day.

For the sake of my sex life, I need to find something. Get things under control. Because otherwise, my libido is almost nonexistent. And I'm pretty sure, the less sex I have, the more irregular I become and the less interested in sex I am. It's a terrible, terrible cycle. Just ask my husband....

On a different note, I purchased a 4-pack of Jones Pure Cane Cream Soda. I've had a partial bottle sitting on my desk since last night. First of all, I never bothered to try Pepsi throwback because I don't like Pepsi, but I am very curious about Mexican Coke (which apparently is made with sugar instead of corn syrup). Now, even more so since I've tried the Jones and fallen madly in love. Plus, the sweet, vanilla smell that comes off the bottle sitting a couple of feet away is driving me crazy. No candle ever smelled so good, let alone a bottle of soda!

Also, I never believed it, but it turns out I have a sensitivity to certain shampoos. Herbal Essences is the devil and makes my head itch and itch. I bought Sauve on a lark, as a replacement and that stuff makes me ENTIRE BODY itch. I finally replaced that with Pantene (which I've successfully used before) and for the first time in a month got out of the shower feeling clean and comfortable in my skin. The thing is, I don't BATHE with the stuff. But it's hard to keep shampoo and conditioner from running down my body. Having the middle of my back itch, well... it's been frustrating to say the least.

I woke myself up at 7am this morning to call work. By telling myself just before I fell asleep at 2:30 that it was very, very important that I wake up at 7am to call work. And I did. At EXACTLY 7am. The human mind can be freaky wonderful, sometimes. But now I'm going back to sleep!

Before I go to bed

I mean, not to be gross or anything but I'm going to need an explanation of how someone can "lose" something inside their vagina. I bring this up because I happened across a post about someone "losing a tampon" in their vagina. This is not the first time I've heard of such things. As a teenager this used to freak me out. As an adult, I remain mystified. I mean, my vagina isn't some gaping black hole. The whole "lost in a vagina" thing sounds rather curiously like something a young teenage boy would come up with. And yet. It always seems to be girls bringing it up. Seriously, wtf.

So busy!

I'm so busy with my life (and with doing things I enjoy) that I don't even have time to post. Which I guess means I don't enjoy it as much as I once did.

That's a shame. I've been a life-long journaler and here I am... not journaling. WTF?

I'm not sure what's going on with my lately, maybe it's the fact that I'm living under thinly veneered sense of terror. Maybe it's something else, but boy have I been working on being organized and eating right and all that crap, lately. Which isn't to say I didn't eat an emergency cupcake just before dinner. I had a need.

Money is especially tight around here these days. For reasons not even related to the economy. We've been virtually (and magically) untouched by the recession so many others have had to deal with. But, with medical problems piling up and the potential of my roomie losing her job (and therefore our place since the two are intertwined) well... it's a little scary. The job loss is probably not a realistic problem. But it is a mild possibility. Enough to make me hyperventilate a little. On the inside.

Luckily, wedding season (for us) is over. Gifts are bought and paid for. "Special" outfits no longer need to chosen and upgraded. Life is back to it's usual pace. Maybe now we can finally overtake the bills again....

Growing up there were a lot of weird things that happened in my house. A lot of them. Things that I never realized were weird, and in fact have slowly been finding out are weird. It's one of the many, many reasons I don't want children. What if I discover that something I think is perfectly normal to do to or with your children is really something super fucked up that never occurred to me as being super fucked up because I grew up with it? Yeah, there are have been realizations, some of them within the last few years.

As I've gotten older and realized how really terrible my very young life was, I've also realized that it wasn't just the doing of one or two people, but rather a strange amalgamation of events and people who found one another and discovered a mutual love of perversion and abuse all converging on me.

Even more recently I've been introduced to the knowledge that one of my close relatives raped someone, once. And apparently, at some point intended to do the same thing to me, if he was able to get close enough. It's awfully hard to explain it all, but it's really shocking to discover something like that.

I spent a lot of years trying to figure out sex. I spent several years enjoying casual sex and sex that was less casual. As hard as it has been for me to figure out my place in this world, I can't help but be thankful that it wasn't made a lot harder by this man. As it is, I find myself already mentally recoiling from sexuality just having learned this thing.

I don't know where this knowledge will take me. I hope I'm able to process it and quickly move on without dwelling too much. Especially since I'm a dweller! Big time.

Forgetting to title...

Sweat sweat sweat. The North West in the middle of a ridiculous heatwave. Thank god for fans and portable A/C. It's too bad it's not central air. God, I miss the East Coast where all the reasonable people have central air. I mentioned this to my husband and he responded "you just miss all the military boys." Yeah. That, too.

I wandered through the kitchen and god... everything needs to be cooked. Hot and in the oven. Boiled, adding heat to heat. Obviously I'm going shopping later for cold foods. Because god damn.

The funny thin about the above paragraph... kitchen and god... I'm reading the Kitchen God's Wife. I've never read any of Amy Tan's books. But I did like the movie of the Joy Luck Club so I figured it was worth a try. So far the narrative is similarly set up, which makes it quicker for me to catch on. I kinda hate it when the author changes narrators but doesn't warn the reader. Even worse is when they change narrators AND time. I get so lost....

And while I know no one wants to hear about it... one of my dogs is dozing on my pillow and occasionally blinking sleepily at me in invitation. He looks so comfortable and soft.....

Busy, Busy

You'd think it'd be the holidays leading me to a very, very busy social calendar. Somehow, I've ended up with four big events on four consecutive weekends. Lots of people, dressing up... etc etc. I've bought a bunch of new eyeshadow to play with. Among them were the Cover Girl exact eyelights eye shadows. I bought them in both brown and hazel colors and did one eye in each color. Other than having makeup on with too much mica... I don't feel like my eye color was particularly "brought out." Feh, I say! I bought a similar collection from Almay and went with that. So there. Even though I'm pretty sure it's the same company, Almay appears to be geared towards women who are... well... actually, older than me. But whatever. I also picked up the Cover Girl eye liner. When I wear green eyeliner it doesn't look like I have bright eyes. It looks like I'm wearing inexplicable green eyeliner. That's okay, though. Sometimes I AM inexplicable.

I wore a red dress to one of my events. I might just wear it again. I had rather thought I'd end up feeling like some weird Scarlette O'Hara but it ended up just being a dress. That's okay with me.

So I went to that wedding and I cried. I'm really happy for the couple. On the other hand, I've secretly long had a crush on the groom. He's a really, really great guy and seeing him married... well... it was sort of a shock. I was so happy that he feels he's found "the one." I want nothing more for him than for him to be very happy. I think it's in the cards for him. His new wife is fun and flirty and a lot like him. It was lovely.

The whole crush thing... the funny part about it... my husband commented on this guy's looks and I pointed out that the two of them look rather similar. "Probably partially where I got my taste in men," I mused. And it's undoubtedly true.

Oh, and the bride? Not at ALL what I expected for him. She and I have a lot in common physically, frankly. And it's kind of weird to consider... .... ... naw.

Although I have to admit I've always had a funny romantic notion about growing old and discovering my attraction was mutual and that we were both single (unexplained) blah blah blah. I have that romantic notion in my head for Keith, too. And probably others I've thought of. The problem being, romantic notions are rarely anything like the heartache and trouble that comes from real life.

Basically, I guess I don't intend to be alone when I get old and should something terrible happen to my husband I fully intend to pull someone out of my pocket for just such an occasion. Yeah. I'm a great person. Really!

I suppose

I suppose I should have been more clear about the changes around here. Except you'll probably never notice them. And that's really the idea.

Birthday

I just had my birthday, today. It ended up being the sort of day that... really felt like any other day. Some small part of me wanted to be excited about it. But it just wasn't. I woke up to cake. I went to bed to... nothing. Nothing at all. Of course I got up to write.

But in the middle, I did find myself a little depressed and yet found myself counting my blessings. I'm very lucky to live the life I do. Despite those moments (days... weeks, sometimes) where my husband and I find ourselves at odds, we really do care very much for one another. We love one another and when I remember to be nice to him... he can be very, very nice to me.

Still no sex, though. I can't remember the last time we did. It shouldn't really be this hard....

Still, we both have the freedom to explore as needed. No real jealousy. And lots and lots of trust. He's really a good man. Besides my marriage, I have at least one member of my family who won't let me fall. Not easily, at least. And several pets whom I adore and who take good care of my need for affection and attention when no human ever could.

I'm grateful for all that I have.

This year, I want even MORE!

The Problem

The problem with trying to become a more well rounded blog when I've been running one which has been so much more specific and therefore doesn't give away much in the way of identifying information is exactly that. I have to relate certain things that while still being pretty damned general... well... they're still potentially identifiable.

Which isn't to say anyone who knows me would ever bother to read this blog. I'm just not that popular. And the years have shown I'm not going to be.

Anyway, I've had so much to write. And yet been unable to share for fear of someday being identified.

Would it be the end of the world if my much more private life merged with my much more pubnlic one? Probably not. My work does actually have a policy on blogs. The way I first read it, I swore it said that if one were to keep a blog, their employees were required to identify that the company does not neccessarily endorse one's views. However, in re-reading it, I believe it's actually only a requirement to post such a disclaimer should I want the world to know that I work for that company. So... no big deal. I'm not really sure why the company seems to feel that they're so damned important. And really, I kind of wonder if they're suggesting that our facebook pages should have that info. They said blog but being old white men, they may have been confused....

Well. Anyway. I'm going to try something and see how it goes.

Dog gone...

I've been fostering this dog and his last day with me is coming up. Soon he'll be with his new family and I will be back to my regular allotment of dogs. I'm going to miss him. He's my first foster I didn't actually adopt. I did pick his new owner though, and I think they'll be great together.

There's also a very important business meeting, part of which I'm really not looking forward to.

So last night, I had a crazy dream which woke me up in terror and chills. I've never had a dream like that before in my entire life. It was like a nightmare... but there was nothing really dastardly about it. It was like being on a roller coaster and going down that hill that just drops out from under you. Very similar. And even though it was all in my head, my physical reaction was very real. Real enough to wake me up out of a very sound sleep.

I made a twitter account, too. I've really never used it. I may only have a few lines worth of good stuff to write... but I always like to write more. However, every so often I get emails letting me know random people are following me on twitter. I presume those random people do not exist except for spamming. I don't really understand how one spams using twitter. Eventually, I'm sure I'll figure it out. As things stand for me, now, I read folk's twitter pages and find myself mostly confused. Great! I've become one of those old people who doesn't get what kids are up to these days....

Tattooooooooo

I've long thought about getting a tattoo. Not to worry, I'll keep thinking about it. I'm not even remotely ready to get anything. But I think it's clear that I'll some day get one. Something small that means something to me. It'll be that private secret I always love to have....

Anyway, I'm thinking it'll end up being some kind of script. Words mean so much to me....

The reason I'm still up? It's been something like 80 degrees in the house allllll day long. It's killing me. The portable A/C says it's about 71 now. It doesn't FEEL 71... even when I'm naked.

I'm a damned fool. That's all I have to say about that.

I took out the piercings in order to physically heal, reduce the pain and annoyance when the dogs would walk next to me on the bed and inevitable and invariably step on my damned nipples. It's amazing how, without the piercings, they never do that anymore. I miss them, some. But they haven't been an important part of my life in quite a while so I think about them longingly maybe once a day.

Meanwhile, I ended up having a rather long conversation with the cute guy a couple of my coworkers have been crushing on. Based on this, I'm pretty sure he's single. And I'm pretty sure he's as not my type as I thought he was when I just looked at him. Although I can't explain it. Earlier today he talked about making fun of some kind when he was very young. It's difficult to really hold it against him... but so easy, too.

Growing up, I remember some kid making fun of another kid. I couldn't stand to watch it for one more second, so I walked right up to the bully and yelled "Leave him ALONE! You're... you're VERY CUTE." Yeah. Uh. That was my insult. I still, to this day, have no idea why that came out of my mouth. It wasn't true and he wasn't being very cute. But he walked away without another word. My point was to get the kid to leave the other kid alone... and it definitely worked.

My mother used to tell me if someone was making fun of me, "Kiss him!" I stared at her angrily, thinking she was making fun of me. "Because, they'll stop." I think she was teasing... a bit. It probably would have worked. It also would have given me a reputation I couldn't have dealt with at that age....

And this concludes my rambling post.

Honestly

I figured I might as well change the ol' title since I figure I might be somewhat less sexual. Maybe I'll go back, eventually.

For some reason I've been having a bunch of erotic dreams the last few days. Last night's involved a mixture of Zul'farrak, The Mummy, and some ghost show. I had sex with a ghostly mummy in the dream. Or an illusion of one. It made plenty of sense at the time. The night before I forget most of the dream but I'm sure I orgasmed during it. Looking back I can't help but wonder exactly how much of an orgasm it actually was. But in the dream, it was a very good orgasm.

Which once again begs the question... if I can have an orgasm in a dream why, oh why, can't I have an orgasm just by thinking about it?

On another note, I've spent a lot of time today watching internet videos. Not just porn, either! I know, shocking! One of my favorites (which I watch every few months) is called Family. I find it pretty darned entertaining. I find the episodes a bit jarringly unrelated to previous episodes, which is to say it's like they get bored of a storyline and drop it.. but... oh... maybe we should at least mention it... in the next episode. Still, I like the story telling.

So the point of this is I really need a hair cut. And it turns out one of the actors cuts hair. In Seattle. And I'm so amused by the idea of trying to get an appointment. But of course, I'm SUCH a dork I'd never really DO that.

The other thing I've been doing is reading a lot of "mommy blogs." Well, daddy, too. Why? I have no idea. It's not as if I'm jonesing for a baby. I think a lot of it has to do with the point these people are at in their lives and their views of the world more than the fact that they're writing about kids. Plus many of them are damned funny.

The Last Vestiges

I finally took out my nipple piercings today.  Just minutes ago.  And gone they shall stay.  At least for now.  Probably forever.  I miss them, already, just a little.  Without them, my nipples are so much less sensitive.  But my right nipple, the entire time I've had it, has never really healed.  Every time I'd take out the piercing to clean it, it'd bleed a little.  The left one never had that problem.  Well, anyway.  They're gone.

It's like saying goodbye to the last decade.  And to the secret knowledge that I have a little secret.  I don't have any secret now.  None at all, really.  No secret life to speak of at all.

I'm not sure what to do with myself these days.  I feel sort of like I'm swimming through Jell-O.  I bet a lot of people feel that way, these days.

One of the hot young men I know on Facebook became a fan of "I like kissing."  Which is fine.  Except for the part where I immediately started to visualize him and his hot boyfriend making out.  And then I thought "How could he DO this to me?"  I spent a lot of time working at NOT sexualizing him.  Mostly because he's a gay man and I'm not.  Ahem.

So last night I ended up having a weird, long dream about one of those taco trucks (there's one in LA that's been in the news for being great) and going to get my hair cut.  In the salon portion of the dream it turned out to be something of a kinky gay proformance art club that kept clients entertained while waiting for their hair cut.  There were two men engaging in some mild CBT on the floor which was freaking me out a little, while at the same time being really sexual and fun.  Meanwhile, another hot guy and his friends came in and he started making eyes at me and trying to subtly invite me into the group so we could get to know one another better.

But then I woke up.

I only have sexual dreams when it's that time of the month.  And other than being conspicuously kinky, I'm not sure it was even all that sexy.  But it was kind of fun.

All the stuff

I have a dog under the desk, hiding.  Because I cursed.  What better place to hide from my wrath then against my legs?  Why did I curse?  Because I calculated how much longer we'll owe money on the car at the minimum payment rate and realised it's 2 more years.  Even though I make it a point to put a little extra now and again, 2 more years is a long time!  It seemed like so much less when I just looked at the pay off amount.  Money.  So frustrating.

Husband has a date tomorrow.  Tenatively.  He took about a month or two off from the "dating" world since he was frustrated with the revolving door thing he had going on.   He's like me, when he finds a good thing he wants to keep it around.  Other people, though, are fickle.  So he's had a hard time keeping a steady lover who can deal with the reality of being second string.

And since I have to restart my computer... well... I guess that's the end of that.

Sad

I'm very sad at how many of my reads have disappeared.  Closed up shop and moved on.  I'm barely better.  It seems most of us can only keep it up a few years (or a year) and then... suddenly... we're fucked out.  Yeah.  I said it.

I'm no better.  Somehow I went from hyper-sexual to asexual.  Mostly due to circumstance.  But not always.  Lots of laziness.

I am writing again.  Not here, much, I'm back on an old kick.  Probably the one that lead me here last time.  Eventually.  For a while I kept a very specific sort of journal.  Then I switched to a very general sort.  More day to day frustrations and such.  But I found it didn't cover the parts of my life I needed it to.  So I switched to this one, which was once again about a very specific part of my life.

It's always been very important to me that certain parts of my life remain unmixed.  For a very short while there my work, home, and sex lives all coincided together and it was rather nice.  I was still forced to hide certain parts of them from one another, but for the most part I was able to marry the three pretty successfully.  I'm now back in a place in my life where the three are forced to be very compartmentalized.  I can't say as I was happier one way or the other, really.  

However, one of the ways this compartmentalization becomes clear is in the way I separate out my journals.  I have this one for this and that one for that.  If I write about that in this, suddenly this is... not quite as sexy.  If I write about this in that, well, then that one's suddenly scandalous in a way it shouldn't be.

I very much envy one of my favorite writers, Lola, for her ability to really include all the part of her life (work, sex, friends, kids, marriage) without making any of it seem creepy, wrong, or out of place.  Now, granted, she did write her most erotic works elsewhere.  So maybe we're all doomed to that compartmentalization, at least to a point.

As for me, I just don't know.  I still have so much less to write here.  My fantasy life is still somewhat active.  However, the number of men I see to fantasize about is sorely lacking.  I joked teasingly about making out with one of the male bosses and made everyone want to vomit a little into their mouths.  Myself included.  I never, EVER, joke about one of the male bosses because I'm sure I COULD grow a crush on him, but it'd be so inappropriate and obvious it'd be a problem that I don't want to deal with.

I've got some attraction issues to deal with, too.  Namely, none of the men I see around here are Keith.  And none of them have the qualities I've learned to appreciate so much in our military men.  Years of staring at groomed, uniformed, hard-bodies has made it much more difficult for me to look at the locals with lust.  I figured I'd eventually get over this weird obsession I've got with military men, but it's yet to happen.  And it's damned frustrating.  It's not like I didn't sleep with civilians before!

Anyway, I have to be up in about 5 hours.  So I'll go to sleep and come back next time I'm inspired.  Maybe even tomorrow.

Cheese

We went to the store the other day and visited the cheese counter.  As we were standing around gazing hungrily at the bounty before us, debating whether we needed to try some new cheese, the cheese man approached.  I know the guy who works in the produce department is called the producer... wtf do you call the guy who works in the cheese section?  The cheeser?  He took a look at what we were holding and asked "would you like to try it?"  I handed him a slab of dry jack and he returned shortly afterward with a couple of slivers to try.  Upon the taste, we dropped a wedge into our basket.  The cheese man kept talking, telling us about the cheese.  More about the cheese than I knew could be known.  And probably not made up, either.

 My husband handed the cheese man a wedge of fancy Parmesan and asked if we could try it.  "Do you like honey?" he asked.  "I'd just like to try it plain," my husband answered.  "Honey?  I like honey!"  I told him quickly.  He came back a minute later carrying a sheet of paper with the cheese on it.  Two slivers plain, two with a drop of honey.  We ate the plain first.  Another winner.  Then I tried the honey.  The cheese man continued to talk about the cheese, about the honey, about... well... whatever.  Because as I put the combination of honey and cheese into my mouth I phased out.  I could think only of this amazing bliss I was tasting.

And now I have a crush on the cheese man.  He was kind of cute.  But most importantly, he gave me the most amazing oral pleasure I've felt in a long, long time.

Amusement

Find out where I've journeyed on the Map of Human Sexuality! Or get your own here!

State of the Union

Things are going here. Going as usual, really. We've almost been together 10 years, the old man and I. What a strange, strange thing to consider....

Husband has misplaced his most recent girlfriend. Well, she misplaced herself. The problem with women (...men, too) is that they don't really know what they want. The last woman made it very clear that she wasn't looking for a relationship. According to her, the last guy she'd dated had suggested they make their relationship more permanent which led her to dropping him quickly. In the case of my husband after they'd been seeing each other for a while she dropped him because "she wanted something more permanent." In fact, she told him that she didn't like the fact that his wife (me) could "stop things whenever she wanted." Which was never a danger.

I'm not sure if she was a liar or a fool. But, husband has my pity since I've been in his position before. With the man I call "the ex." He was both a fool and a liar. But I still cared very deeply for him. And he was an AMAZING kisser....

I must digress to the fact that kissing can very much make or break a relationship. In the case of "the ex" it absolutely MADE that relationship. There were a few other things he did well, but most importantly the man could kiss. God, could he ever.

So once again husband is on the prowl. I think he's a little disheartened. I totally understand that.

Meanwhile, I find the rest of my life just fulfilling enough to not feel like I need to go hunting for sex. I'm still totally sprung on those two nights with Keith, though as time goes by I get a little more willing to settle for something less. I still keep in contact with Martin, a little. I miss him more than I miss anyone else, I think. He's a great friend and I enjoyed having sex with him, too.

Part of me wants another lover. But at this point I want something like Martin and I had. Something based on friendship and mutual pleasure. I can get a little wilder, later, after I've enjoyed that particular closeness for a while....