Badness...

I saw him today. As soon as he walked into the store I said "hi" like I always do and busied myself with something. Actually, I was kind of busy. Things seemed rather... normal. Except that I think this time I man handled the conversation to be about... whatever. Nothing exciting. I didn't say a damned word to him about the email. Even though we were in the store alone. I couldn't get up the courage.

He came in a second time, this time with my coworker there. And I made it a point to include him in the conversation. I couldn't remember which service he'd been in when I first met him (funny because when he retired I made a big deal about his change of clothes) so I asked. I felt like I maybe kind of offended him by not remembering. I felt bad about it.

He left shortly after. And now I'm thinking maybe he finds me more annoying than not. Maybe my hopes for some kind of friendship were too high. I kind of knew that.

Hey, isn't self doubt FUN?

So I send him another email telling him I thought he'd at least give me another hint but that after about 10 minutes of consideration I was fairly confident I knew, and then it took another 12 (I meant to put "hours" here but forgot to write the damned word so it looked like I meant 12 minutes) convincing myself I was right and then that it'd taken about 2 seconds of being his presence to doubt myself. So we'll have to see if he writes back.

Stalker-ish I stayed online last night to see if he'd email me back from the first message. And, while the site said he was on... I got nothing. So we'll see what comes of my more recent message. If he doesn't respond I'm over and done with it. If he does? Who knows?

So while I'm not totally into him... the even vaguest hint of interest from a man who's at least mentally hot to me has gotten me all hot and wet. Masturbation? Check. Kegels? Check.

And yet I still think of Keith....