Such things...

as nothing, really.

I haven't heard from Keith lately. I'm getting more used to his absences. The last couple of times we "talked" it was really kind of odd. I adore his attention. But I'm not sure what's going on with him lately so I kind of held myself at a distance. Kept things light and amusing rather than worrying about what he was saying. Because I'm still not sure I believe what he said. And I'm not going to repeat it right now. It's not that what he said is any sort of a problem for me so much as it doesn't really gel for me with some other things he's said and my brain refuses to accept it from HIM. Because maybe it means he lied. And I have a real problem with THAT. So if I let myself doubt... then there's no lie....

Which isn't to say the sex was any less stunning... or that I don't want more. Because I do. But more than that? Well. Whatever.

Last night my sister was online and I ended up messaging her. Except it wasn't her so much as it was my first boyfriend, who is her friend and (near as I can tell) occasional lover. Which in some ways it really, really weird. So he and I ended up chatting a little since I wanted an idea of what she might like for her birthday and figured he'd be the one to ask. So, that was amusing. I let the conversation trail off rather than actually saying "goodbye" because somehow it felt easier.

My friend/occasional lover EB was online last night. Of late he's been seeing a couple of different women (romantically) and was having a great time of it. Just a couple weeks in he was asking my opinion on what he should do because he felt bad about juggling the two girls. After just a couple of dates. I could see, already, that he really desperately wants a full time girlfriend RIGHT NOW. However, I told him to calm down and date them both for a bit (without lying about it to either of them) and see what happens. A week later one of them is saying she's going to date some other guy exclusively and the other one appears to have stood him up last night.

I want to tell him that being married isn't all that great. That being single is "where it's at" and to realize that he's only as lonely as he lets himself be. Except he's divorced. And he knows what marriage is for him. And while he doesn't want his ex back anymore (they apparently tried for a second time already) he does want to be married. Last night when he got stood up he was moping a bit and I told him to go do something FUN. Find something he wants to do and make it a really nice night ANYWAY. But of course he didn't. Back when I was single I learned to do things by myself... and ENJOY it. And when husband went away to Korea and I was once again alone I learned how not to be dependent on other people to entertain me... even when they stood me up. It's still disappointing but there's no point in dwelling. Except I'm just not sure it's something that one can REALLY learn by being told. It's all about accepting it into yourself and knowing you're okay by yourself....

Needless to say once again he did not invite me over to his place, when I would have gladly gone as either friend or lover. Or both. Well, I didn't REALLY want to go (so much to do around here) but I would have because he matters to me.

And thus was my evening.