Let's just say.

Let's just say I work in a convenience store. It's the most accurate portrayal you're going to get from me for the time being. Maybe ever. I didn't USED to. But for now, let's just say I do. Much of the customer base is hot young military boys, gate guards, that sort of thing. Thus, I am surrounded very often by hot young military guys.

The other day, I was helping a customer when another walked up to the counter, waiting in line to be served next. As the man I was helping was gathering up his merchandise, the porn ninja struck. The counter was empty. I glanced away. When I glanced back a Playboy was unfolding itself on the counter. He'd somehow managed to flip it up onto the counter like some kind of throwing stare, without actually PUTTING it on the counter. It was amazing, quick, mysterious. He was the porn ninja.

I rang him up and sent him on his way. I was in a bad mood, nothing to do with him. Hours later, I thought about it... and came up with the name Porn Ninja. And then laughed myself silly over it. I laughed so hard I cried.

I don't care that he bought porn. I encourage that sort of behavior, don't you know? But his ninja-like ways really got to me. He will always be the porn ninja to me.

A day later another man came into buy some "dirty, disgusting, gross" Skoal. Maybe it was Copenhagen. Whichever it was, I stared at him blankly as he described the tobacco product in the most unflattering terms he could think of without crossing over into the impolite trying to figure out what exactly he wanted. Finally, telling me the name of the product I gave it to him and rang it up. Afterward, he said "ah, you should have said 'no'! But we all do things we don't want to do, you know." I stared at him still utterly confused by his behavior before telling him, "I really don't care what you buy... I'm not here to judge, you know?" He laughed at that half heartedly leaving, before turning quickly toward the magazine section "then I should go buy some porn!" I tried to smile, still at a loss as to how to react, "...okay." I said, shaking my head slightly trying to convey that I really didn't care one way or the other. And then he left, having not really meant it about the porn.

I went home after that and had to ask husband "do I SEEM so straight laced? Do I seem SO completely pure and like... matronly that I would CARE if someone bought porn? Do they not realize what a porn hound I am? I mean, not compared to you but... is that what I give off?!?"

So now I'm thinking I totally give off the WRONG vibe. Maybe I need to start wearing black lipstick and playboy bunny shirts. Because, god damn it. I can out sex most of those boys... and would love to prove it....