I need it.

So I sat there the night before last and found myself needing to masturbate. I wanted to go to sleep. I was so tired. But I couldn't leave my place, couldn't go upstairs because I knew I HAD to cum. I could go to bed. But I knew I'd lay there staring at the clock. Or the sliver of light coming through the curtains. Or the ever-blinking light on the phone. I had to cum. And I did.

And I thought "ah, must be that time of the month."

Today we went to see a movie. Before we left I was freezing. I put on a sweatshirt and we left. Even outside in the warm afternoon I was cold. And tired. And vaguely achey. After we got to the theater I felt the mild ache of cramps. I sighed heavily and berated myself for not realizing how close I was to starting... and taking some damned Advil. After the movie we went home and I snuggled up with a heating pad and some Advil.

And I awaken horny as hell. It started during the movie. I gazed longingly at Hugh Jackman as his clothes were torn away bit by bit from his deliciously formed musculature. I clenched my Kegels hard, biting my lip trying hard not to make my physical reaction apparent to those around me.

I had a dream about Trian and Sam last night. In the dream Sam was nearby... but unreachable. I wanted him but there was nothing for me there. Trian was touching me, inadvertently. His arm was pressed against my sex, (inexplicably but innocently) and it was turning me on. I gazed at him with lust in that moment. I wake up and I know it was a dream of exactly what's going on in my life, of what could be... and what can't. I could probably enjoy Trian's touch. Be turned on by him... but without passion.

I'm tempted to try AFF again. But... I know better than to believe there's much hope there. Yes, I found Keith that way. But... after how long?

I don't know. I feel my hormones pushing me to find someone. And to fuck them with abandon.

However, in about five days I imagine this fever will be over and I'll be back to despairing.