Wreck

I'm a wreck. So's the car, right? Ha ha.

I have follow up doctor's appointment tomorrow to make sure I'm okay to work... but the ER doctor seemed to think I was fine to work today. Happily, I had the day off so I didn't have to. Not that, I think, my boss would have let me work today, anyway.

As far as I'm aware at this point no one was actually hurt in the accident. At least, not seriously. I'm not in perfect shape, but no one would know it to look at me. Mostly just sore muscles and probably a nice bruise under my hair.

Unfortunately, I was really, really, REALLY stupid and the wreck was entirely my fault. I can't even pretend otherwise to myself or others. When I try to sleep I find myself reliving my stupidity and being thankful and feeling incredibly lucky that no one was actually hurt. I think about what my life could have been if someone had died... and then forcing myself to keep in mind that no one did. What kind of financial and emotional distress I may have caused the other people I can't imagine... and don't really want to think about.

None the less, my heart aches. My body aches. I don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm miserable. Thoughts of killing my self seem sweet. Of course, I won't do it. But the thoughts are there, vague and ephemeral, like blissful release.

Instead, though, I'm trying to keep myself in the moment and figure a way to cope. It'll fade. Life will go back to normal. No question. For now, I can only work at taking care of myself both mentally and physically and do whatever it is I have to do to get over this... and get on with things. It's only a car accident, afterall. It happens every day... and in this case, no one died.

Oh, and DJ didn't even have a good excuse for standing me up. Well, it could have been a good excuse... except it doesn't excuse the fact that he completely ignored me and didn't bother to message or call me to let me know he wasn't coming.