*giggle*

For some reason I spent the better part of the day giggly. Something to do with getting enough sleep, I guess. I was just in a damned good mood (except here and there when I became irritated with thoughless people).

Sam came in today and I got to talk to him a little bit. He's so fucking hot. He put his stuff on the counter but when I reached for it he'd snatch it away. I stared at him blankly, not reach for anything and he said "sorry, I was just kidding," and set the stuff back down, only to snatch it away next time I reached for it. I couldn't help but laugh. I haven't ever really seen him that playful.

He bought cigarettes, again, so I finally asked him what the hell was up with that. "You've been coming in here for like... a year. And now all of a sudden you're buying these things. What's up with that?" He told me he was probably just buying them at the commissary previously. So I told him that it was a bad habit and shook my head. "oh, but buy them here because we could use the sales."

And then I started thinking about the Ex. I'm not a big fan of smoking. In fact I tend to think of it as a deal breaker... except you know it doesn't really bother me so long as it's not something in my face. The Ex smoked and I remember kissing him afterward. The taste wasn't so terrible. I tend to think I have a predisposition to be a smoker given my love of the scent of Newports (for instance) and the kissing thing.

So yeah. Not thrilled with Sam's smoking... but at the same time I'd fuck the hell out of him anyway. Not that I'll ever get the chance. :-(

I need someone to want me again. I'm so god damned... empty.

Oh, which reminds me, last week a guy came on to me and I didn't think much of it, although it amused me I kind of let it go. This weekend another guy came on to me. And then it suddenly struck me that almost as a rule the only men who ever come on to me are black (which is fine, but I don't fetishize black men at all and take them wholly on their merit, the drawback being the kind of black men that tend to come on to me are not generally attractive to me) except the guy who came on to me last week who was white. And it occured to me that wow... some white guy thought I was fuckable and actually had the balls to say it... rare.

It pleases me when men (any men) come on to me. But most especially when they're not creepy....

I miss being wanted. I miss it. So much.