I don't know why I always write when I'm tired.

I talked to husband a bit about Martin. I told him about what happened at his house and asked husband if I'm a bad person for even considering the possibility of helping him cheat on "the love of his life." "Yes," he told me. ".... I think I can live with that," I told him. I just wanted to know.

I went on to talk about the fact that he and I will be moving to a small town "and how the hell am I going to get laid in a small town and NOT have it be a problem?!" He seemed to kind of understand, although when I added "And I'm a little concerned because you know... EVERYONE needs sex in their lives.... well... I mean everyone ELSE," I said, realizing he's apparently NOT everyone," and it's like... how am I going to DO that? Then again, it's been months since I got laid ANYWAY...." He had the grace to at least look vaguely uncomfortable, if not downright ashamed. After all, if it hasn't been a year since we last had sex, it's close. And it's been probably 8 months since we last did anything that could be regarded as "sexual."

The last couple of nights I've made it a point to kiss him more deeply than our usual perfunctory kisses. I don't know why I bother to torture myself like that, though. Though, it didn't feel much like torture so much as... nothing.

I did see Sam again, the other day. I felt like it'd been so long. I want him. So bad. He bought a couple of Playboys and told me "they're for a gift!" My heart had leapt for a second when I thought that perhaps he was looking for some stroking material because he was finally alone.... But no. No such luck. The next few months will go by and I will get not even the slightest taste of Sam.

A cute guy in a suit came in today, though. One can only assume he's one of the special cops around the area, but I can't prove it. Possibly FBI, he had that look about him. Whatever the case when he walked in for a split second he vaguely reminded me of Keith. I stood there for a long time, gazing blindly across the store, images of Keith in my head... imagining what it would be like to see him again in that sort of setting.

The cute guy finally came up to the register and I realized that 95% of what I'd thought he looked like was merely wishful thinking. He was still cute, though, so not a disappointment. I was in a good (and vaguely odd mood) at that point, thinking of Keith so I was perhaps a bit friendlier to this complete stranger than I might otherwise have been. When he left he said "see you tomorrow." One of those things most people don't bother to say to me whether they will or not. I liked that little extra bit of attention. I'm apparently way too easy.

Which reminds, me... the slut came in. Now, the slut is named the slut because that's the kind of guy he is. So totally not my type... but he's a slut and he even says so. And I appreciate that. He seemed vaguely put out that I didn't remember his name last time he came in so I made it a point to call him by his name today. After all, it doesn't do any good to alienate a slut.

Oh, and Cade came in, too. I was somewhat shocked and amazed because I haven't seen him in something like three months. We talked for about five minutes. Not about anything important. And I realize that I really LIKE him. He's one of the most self-possessed 20-something guys I've ever met. I like the way he talks to me and the way he handles himself in general. While we were talking I asked him what's going on with him. He's going to school, studying law. I asked him what he wants to do and he said he wants to maybe join the FBI. And now that's exactly how I see him... and it totally works. This is the kind of guy you see in your head as an agent (I mean, when Mulder and Scully aren't cavorting around blocking the view). Anyway. He gives me faith in people, in general, for some reason. I can't explain it, but I'm really glad he's a part of this world.

So. Yeah. Bed.