Wade came in today. I talked to him for a while. He's one of those guys who's actually really pretty freakin' into me. But I'm really not convinced he'd know what to do with me once he had me. Which is really such a shame. He seems more relaxed than he used to be, though. Somehow more at peace. Which is a nice look for him. Unfortunately, I just think he's not my type enough that it'd be a bit of a waste of time for me....

I'm still waiting for the one guy (who really needs a damned nickname) who told me that he wanted me last week to come back in again. He's never there in the mornings so unless he comes by Friday night, it'll be just another damned wasted week.

Although maybe it's for the best. Maybe that wouldn't be good sex, either....

Like A New Lover

When it comes to cumming I'm not terribly picky. Okay, okay, I know that goes against everything I've ever said. But I mean when I'm alone. I'll sit down in front of the computer and find some porn and get down to business. More often than not, I find myself a nice movie involving two men (and yes, that's honestly becoming almost exclusively the only type of porn I'm interested in) which will proceed to get me off. Sometimes I'll find a story and get off to that. So, movies and stories. If they're sexual and of SOME kind of quality... I'll cum. It's served me quite well for years.

Anyway, a few days ago I subscribed to Violet Blue's podcast. Last night as I was going to bed I got a hankering to check out some of the podcasts I've downloaded recently but never actually played. So, as I lay there getting ready to go to sleep I listened to the short Loveline podcast and then moved on to Violet's. I didn't know what to expect, other than having read an entry by Monk about her where he mentions her voice. Oh, and having watched the video of him tying her up (which was the first time I've ever watched anyone actively playing with rope... and found it fascinatingly hot).

So I lay down to listen, my smartballs firmly in place as I was working on the old Kegels while listening to the podcasts. Well. Needless to say my choice of Violet and smartballs was brilliant. As I lay there squeezing... squeezing... squeezing... I found myself listening to the erotic story she was reading and getting really pretty excited. I started idly masturbating and it wasn't long before the sensations had built up too much to be quite so idle. I strained toward orgasm and somehow, inexplicably, managed to cum right about the same time as the climax of the story.

Afterward, I listened to her finish up the podcast, talking me down from my orgasmic high. I turned off my ipod and lay in bed then contemplating what had just happened. I'd cum listening to a woman reading a bisexual (but mostly lesbian) story. Weird. I lay there afterward, feeling as if I'd just taken a new lover. The sensations of my body and the satisfaction from that orgasm was very much like that of a shared sexual experience. Not like masturbating at all.

I fell asleep sated for the first time in weeks, with a smile on my face.

Things with Trian

Trian came in and talked to me a little bit today. It was nice seeing him again. He told me a bunch of stuff going on. Including that the woman he's been seeing as a fuck-buddy type has done what he'd hoped she wouldn't do. Early on they decided to have a sexual realtionship. Apparently he's been pretty up front that they could be friends and they could have sex but it wasn't a romantic relationship. He mentioned something to her about another woman (not me) and apparently he watched her face change. Ah, jealousy. Apparently she went on to profess her feelings for him. Feelings he doesn't return even remotely. It's just too soon for that.

This is a woman I warned him about early on in our conversations. He told me he was afraid she was going to get too attached and I told him he needed to risk breaking her heart and really letting her know there was nothing there for him outside of the sex. Which he said he'd already done. At this point I want to tell him he needs to stop seeing her altogether. Because I just don't see that she's going to be able to see the difference between their fuck-buddy relationship and a romantic relationship as long as she's in and out of his bed.

Unfortunately, giving up regular, good sex is a damned hard thing to do. He's had to do a lot of hard things lately. Hopefully he'll be able to figure this one out for himself....

Meanwhile, he looked vaguely sheepish and asked me what my schedule was this week. I told him and he told me, obviously referring to the fact that I haven't been invited back to his place that "it's just been hard." I shrugged, unable to communicate my vague sense of hurt and irritation. He thinks he's different from other men... and he is... but he shares that annoying quality of just being able to completely ignore a sex partner until he needs something from them again.... I don't know if I can even express it properly here. What's in my head. But it's annoying to me in a way only men can be. None the less, I do understand he's going through a lot of drama in his life and I'm not looking to add to it. I'm not going to be around long enough for any of it to matter, really.

Anyway. So that's the latest on Trian.

Being Open....

So while I was at work this cute navy boy came into the store. Did I mention he was cute? I rang him up and sent him on his way. He started to walk away then wandered back. I was reasonably sure he had something else to say and the way he was hovering before actually engaging me in conversation made it pretty clear to me which direction this was bound to go.

"So, how did you get a job on a military base?" he asked me. A VERY clever question, if you ask me. The vast majority of the people who do my job are either wives or children of the military. A few are divorcees but generally that's limited to the older, asian women. I don't think I look like the child of a military person, so he should have probably put two and two together... but he did ask. So I mentioned my husband is in the service.

We had more of a conversation, perhaps just him trying to cover his ass and then he left. And I was left thinking about how else it could have gone. And how I could have made it head into a more acceptable direction.

The biggest problem with being in a open marriage for me is finding and actually engaging worthwhile sexual partners. As in the case of this guy, I'm occasionally approached by men I'm attracted to who start with (what I consider) the wrong question: "are you married." My answer is, obviously "yes."

It sort of puts the onus on me. I get to figure out if what I'm dealing with is ACTUALLY a guy coming on to me or just my ego getting out of control. Which is really being put in the position of deciding if I want to take the chance of being wrong and sounding like I'm coming on to a guy... even though I'm married. The other problem is how to express my situation without giving out TMI or sounding crazy.

This is especially hard with the clever guys who're trying to avoid rejection. I appreciate their cleverness and I very much feel their desire to avoid rejection. However, it just makes it that much harder for me to NOT reject them. Very frustrating.

The internet is much easier.

Just another day.

So MP actually got in contact with me again last night. He told me he wanted to see if we could find a way to get together again, at least once before I leave. I'm really pleased. I had fun with him and could use another good fucking. This time with the intent to cum. I also told him he fucking needs to buy bigger condoms. Well, I tried to be more polite than that. However, I did let him know. He also asked me to leave him some feedback on AFF, which I did. I'm obedient if nothing else.

So we got to chatting and he reminded me that I once offered to give him a blow job in the store. Which is entirely true. He said he wanted to take me up on it, if I was still willing. In fact he'd offered to fuck me in the store, but I previously told him I just wasn't terribly comfortable with that and that remains true. Not to mention I swear the man tries to time himself perfectly to coincide with my period. When I'm most horny... and least available. I told him the offer still stood and he asked when. I gave him the two most recent and likely options. This Friday or next Friday. He choose today.

He showed up right about closing time. We talked for a couple of minutes and then I told him "look, I don't really have too much time. I imagine you don't either." He smiled at that and asked me where I wanted to do it. I looked around and finally pointed out that the office had a chair, if he wanted to sit down. And then he kind of floored me (because I'm so easy to floor) by pointing out that it was a good place for ME to sit. I stared at him surprised "wow, I hadn't even thought about me." Which kind of made me a little sad and embarrassed. We went back into the office and I sat down and watched him begin to strip part way. He took off his utility belt, setting it carefully on the floor before leaning over to kiss me.

MP is not the greatest kisser in the world, if you ask me. That particular honor will certainly almost always rest on the lips of the Ex. However, MP is pretty fucking good at it and I find myself utterly intoxicated by the feel of his lips against mine and his tongue in my mouth. I found myself pushing back against him, wanting badly to be on a bed where I could move on top of him, rubbing and pressing myself against him as our tongues met. Instead, I let my fingers slide over his arms and shoulders, hearing him open his pants. I reached down, taking his cock in my fingers as soon as it was free.

I broke the kiss so I could look at his cock again. My fingers wrapped around it, I was once again impressed by his thickness. Before long I took him deep into my mouth and began sucking him. After a few moments I suggested he sit on the desk so he could relax more completely and I could have better access. He agreed, taking a seat as I went back to sucking his cock.

I teased him a little, but it was more about hurrying things along. There was something vaguely clinical about it... but at the same time I had a really good time. He came after just a few minutes with the same "oh... yeah... right there..." kind of encouragement letting me know he was getting close which made me try harder. I kept his cock in my mouth until he finished cumming.

Afterward, I watched him re-dress and I went to grab my flavored water to wash the cum out of my mouth. We talked for a couple of minutes as I smiled at his post-orgasm reaction. It's funny to see someone who's just cum try to recover from the experience. Funny and really fucking hot. He said he was really looking forward to spending another full evening with me so we could enjoy ourselves more fully. Which just made me want to throw him down on something sturdy and fuck the hell out of him right there. I love a man who wants me....

I still need to get fucked. But at least I got to handle a nice cock again.

Oh, and I told husband if I get fired... that'll be the reason and please don't be surprised....

I was really disappointed, though, because that customer who keeps coming on to me didn't come in. And his quietly whispered "I don't think you understand how much I want you" (which I think was actually his exact wording rather than what I wrote yesterday) keeps fucking echoing in my head over and over and over. Who doesn't want to be wanted like that?!? His plan to get me into bed has worked. I want him. I didn't before, but I really fucking do NOW.

Of course, it's also that time of the month and I'm super horny. But I'm pretty sure I'd want him anyway. And he can HAVE me.

*wink*

Trian came in today. He wasn't in the vast majority of the day so I sent him a text message asking if perhaps he was afraid of the rain? He showed up about 20 minutes later and winked at me. He had his friend with him, his "body guard" as I call him, so there was no conversation, although he stayed behind for a second to say something. Unfortunately a customer walked up so he cut himself off on his first word and basically left However, I sent him a message thanking him for at least coming to visit. He sent me one back saying something like that I was in an abnormally good mood today and he'd see me tomorrow.

Me? Good mood?

The funny thing is just before he sent me that final message one of my other customers had stopped in. The one I accidentally came on to a while back and who's since continued to come into the store on a not-very-regular basis in order to come on to me. I was working on re-organizing a section of the peg wall when I saw him coming in. I don't remember too much of the conversation specifically because much of it was experienced in a haze of hormones, fatigue, and shock. So, I can only cover the highlights.

Like when my favorite bitchy man-customer came into the store and in response to some comment he overheard told me "it's NOT always about you." I stared hard at him and told him "shut up and go away" and he did (snarkily, but that's how we relate to one another). So the customer who keeps flirting with me said quietly, "I'd make it ALL about you." And I actually got wet just from those couple of words. Fuck. I'm easy.

When there was no one else around he mumbled something to me. I said "what?" and he repeated his mumble, looking around to make sure no one could overhear. So then I leaned way toward him and said "what?" again. He said quietly, "you have no idea how much I want you." Yeah. He said that. Out loud. To me. I smiled and said something like "you're right. I don't. And I can't imagine why you would." Stupid, I know... but c'mon. And his response was "different strokes" or some such garbage. I sighed and told him "that was SO totally the wrong answer." Fuck, just about ANYTHING else would have been better. I stared at him a long moment and I considered actually giving him my number just then. But I didn't. Because I'm a damned fool.

He ended up leaving a bit after that, but I did tell him I'll be moving in a month. Maybe he'll come back again soon. Next time I'll give him my number. And maybe I'll end up with a worthwhile story to tell....

Oh hormones...

I got my period this morning. It caught me off guard. I mean, I really was half expecting to skip this month. Apparently, though, my body just felt like messing with me. Obviously I don't know it half as well as I think I do. Maybe that was it's plan all along. Considering the brain is a long-term inhabitant of the body, you'd think the body would be more up front about things that are going on. Unfortunately, it's really not. I feel a vague sense of constant war between my personality and my body. Each trying to control the other. I'm pretty sure my body is winning the war. PMS being an excellent example....

I sent a text to Whit last night but he never answered. Still hasn't. It's generally the night before I get my period that I become voraciously horny. I might very well have torn that boy apart if he'd have given me a call back. Instead I ended up masturbating and quite enjoying myself. Not as good as fucking but what can I do?

Trian on the other hand DID actually text me yesterday. When he came into the store I saw him but was in a different area. I barely caught a glance of him and that was all. A while later he came in again and I could have said something but chose to ignore him instead. The third time he came in (which is about 1 time more than is normal for him) I started to ignore him but ended up standing directly in front of him, about ten feet apart. "Didn't I forbid you to come in here?" I asked, teasingly. He smiled at that.

Later in the evening I thought to check my phone and sure enough he'd texted me twice. Once to ask "no hello?" and the second to ask a similar question. Despite the fact it was now about 6 hours later I texted him back letting him know I was punishing him, etc. Just a couple of texts back and forth but I think we're on good terms again. The important part was that he'd finally not only added me to his fucking cell list but that he'd taken the time to text me on his own. Exactly the thing to do to get me over my bitterness.

Depressed

I figure it must be about that time of the month. Although I suspect I may be skipping it this month. Or the hormones are just trying to fuck with me. That happens often, too.

My "hot date" for tonight turned out to be a bit of a no-show. Well, he showed up online at about 9 in the evening. Told me he had internet problems. Apparently for about the last three days. Conveniently. And wouldn't I still like to come over? Oh no. Oh no. We're not starting any sort of relationship (sexual or otherwise) on those kinds of terms. Fuck that. He had the gall to tell me I'm not very forgiving. He's right, of course. When it comes to being stood up and/or ignored you're fucking right I'm not very forgiving.

I sent a text message to Trian. I figured I'd been somewhat less than kind last time I talked to him and should at least give the man some kind of encouragement. He sent me back a text asking me who I was. What the fuck? He did not just send me that text message. But he did. Apparently he didn't even bother to save my number in his phone. Nice.

Whit would have been up for seeing me. It's been a while. But by this time I was not in the best of moods. I went upstairs and cried for a while. One of my dogs came up and snuggled with me (falling quickly asleep) and I cried some more that he was the only one that really wanted to be near me (and then only because I was in bed and he could crawl under the covers). And then I got up and did some cleaning and pretty much was done feeling sorry for myself.

I'm a little frustrated with things, needless to say. And I'm pretty sure my hormones are fucking with my mind. Hate that.

Love Hate

I have this love hate relationship with the shower. Just like any child and the bathtub, I never want to get in. But once I'm in... I really don't want to get out. This is most especially true of showers taken at odd times during the day. I'm pretty solidly a morning-shower-er. Any morning after the alarm goes off I can pretty immediately be found stumbling toward the bathroom, towel in hand. However, if the alarm doesn't go off because I'm off work that day... I wake up and lay in bed, mentally complaining about the general unfairness of the world and how there's a million things I'd rather do than shower. Meanwhile, if I end up taking an afternoon shower for whatever reason... it is often one of the most pleasurable, sensual experiences ever.

And why am I talking about this? Because I just went through the whole "I don't WAAAAAANT to shower" thing. And then did. And it was nice. As usual.

Meanwhile, I was supposed to have a "hot date" for tonight. He asked me early on about people I've met via AFF canceling on me in real life. He asked me if that was fairly common and what my experiences with it were. Mostly non-existent to tell the truth. But it happens. I promised him I wasn't the sort to cancel without either a good reason or at least some warning. Based on the fact that I haven't heard from him in a couple of days, one must assume I should have taken his questions about the flakiness of the folks on AFF as a warning that he, too, is flaky rather than concern on his part that I might be.

So he may or may not contact me today, but the lack of contact in the last couple of days irritates me something terrible.

Lastly, yesterday husband and I lazed around for most of the day, making up for the day-trip we took on Saturday. He was upstairs, gathering up some needed laundry. I followed him and sprawled out on the bed trying to look inviting. He joined me and we snuggled sideways on the bed, under the covers. I let my hand drift down to the crotch of his shorts. I rubbed it slowly, tentatively, letting my fingers do equal work on his balls as on the shaft. I got him hard. Very hard. Then I snuggled up closer. I didn't try to kiss him. I just wanted to make sure I could still make him hard, even if it was all manual stimulation.

We lay in bed for a while after that, the dogs joined us, snuggling close, too. There was no sleep. There was no sex. But it was closeness. Eventually, I got up and we went downstairs, life returning to normal once again.

Boring blog....

Trian messaged me last night. I think he was trying to ask me for a get together this weekend. I pretended not to see the question. At least, not at first. I'll almost certainly get together with him again. Maybe as early as this weekend. Maybe if I beg convincingly. Who knows. Sad day when I have a to beg a man for sex. My life has been full of a lot of sad days, I think.

Meanwhile, Whit's losing his computer access for a while. Apparently his computer wasn't really his and he's giving it back. I do happen to have the lap top which I COULD lend him but I so totally don't trust people not to steal. Although I could totally get his ass in big trouble if he did attempt to steal it. Making me look like the town slut... but at least I'd have my computer back.

I kind of feel like going out of town this weekend. Not sure if we will, but it seems like it'd be a great weekend to visit the beach. THAT idea pleases me to no end....

Always thinking.

It seems to me during the first half of my work shift I think of at least two or three topics I'd like to write about. By the last half I've forgotten them. It's very annoying.

Last night I went to bed much later than I should have. The last thing I did before I went to bed was take a good long look at the Rabbit Habit vibe. And my favorite lube. I'm seriously considering trying the Rabbit. 90% of accounts of it say it's great. I'm not convinced it'd be great for me but I feel like I want to try.

Afterward I grabbed my bullet vibe and headed upstairs. Husband knew I had the bullet vibe with me and knew I was going to bed. It doesn't take a genious to put two and two together. Instead he followed me up to bed. While I agree it was late for either of us to go to bed I found it really fucking annoying that he'd so effectively prevent me from masturbating. Yes, I could have done it in front of him (and have) but seeing as he's essentially given up his husbandly rights to my sexuality I find myself not terribly interested in sharing that with him at all.

So to sleep I went. Irritated. But I get the house to myself for a few hours this afternoon....

Craving Cock

Considering the last couple of times I've been with me I've been left feeling very unsatisfied... I'm way fucking horny for some cock. Some really hard, thick, lasting cock.

I'm increasingly bitter and angry. And I swear to god there's no better way for a guy to ensure I never have an orgasm with him than for him to tell me about his last amazing partner who could have 20 million orgasms with him. Well, fuck. That ain't me and if you realish that soooooooo very much (instead of my one very elusive orgasm) then go fucking get her because I won't cum for you.

I mean, it's not like I really resent other women having orgasms... but I feel like my lack of ability to have them easily is a problem. And it makes it even harder to have the god damned things. For a while there I was in a place where it didn't bother me at all. But I appear to have lost that place. And all the sexual confidence I had before, too. And it's frustrating as fuck.

I'm just frustrated. Very, very frustrated.

Frank (from my traumatic experiences last year) messaged me the other day and asked me if I was ever going to be willing to get with him again. I told him no. Especially because I'm moving cross country shortly. But I found myself remembering how fucking awesome he was in bed. Talk about a confidence booster. He's a bad, bad man. But the man could fuck....

The rest of the night with Trian.

So Trian and I talked. A lot, while I was there. Among the things I discovered is that at least briefly his wife had a blog. Here. Oh. Umm. I asked him if she knew that he knew it existed. He told me she did. But later amended that when she found out he knew she deleted it. Which made me very quiet for a moment. Then he told me something she'd written and I had to point out that blogs are not gospel and we don't always mean some of the things we write.... But it's really hard to express that to someone who's not naturally a diary keeper. I considered mentioning my own but I really figure it's best not to arouse any curiosity in that department so I bit my tongue. Were he entirely cognizant of me at that moment (and not likely distracted by other thoughts) he probably could have figured it out based on reaction. And he's already come in contact with the name I used on this blog before. A quick search....

Anyway. Whatever.

So we talked. In the dark of his house, in front of the TV. At last he moved toward me. I knew what was coming. I was hard pressed to decide what to do. I really wasn't there for that. But... I kind of was. I mean, I was pretty sure it was coming and to pretend otherwise would be foolish. I just wasn't convinced that was what I really wanted from him but... then his lips were on mine.

This ranks right up there with one of the weirdest kisses I've ever experienced. Mark used to nibble at my lips frustrating the hell out of me. The other guy stuck his tongue in my mouth and didn't move. At all. Just tongue. Trian pressed his lips against mine and... didn't move. At all. nothing. I smiled against his lips feeling vaguely awkward. With no guidance I find myself unsure as to how to kiss back. For all I know he was waiting to see what I'd do, hoping to take guidance from me. Whatever the case, it was vaguely awkward. I took control and deepened the kiss.

Moments later I felt his hand on my breast. I found myself smiling against his mouth again, I let out a little laugh as I thought that's SO typically male. Go STRAIGHT for the tits. He pulled back and asked "what?" So I told him exactly that, with a small laugh in my voice. Then he asked "do you want to go upstairs?" I momentarily considered saying "no," still, thinking maybe it wasn't a good idea... but... so I said yes.

We went up the dark stairs into his dark bedroom. Another candle. I try to imagine what exactly he was thinking in his head as he lit the candle, You know, just in case. Or was he more assured than that? I looked around the darkened bedroom taking it in when he asked "did you want me to turn on the light?" I glanced up at the light and said "no" even as he flicked it on. Of course, I was looking right at it. I laughed and he laughed with me, "sorry, you were too slow with the 'no' " he told me. I told him about the last time I was with Whit and how he'd done something evilly similar.

I sat down on the bed then and he came back over to stand in front of me. His mouth found mine again. Shortly after we were both naked and I was pleasantly surprised by the size of his cock. I'd certainly been expecting something far less impressive. His fingers found their way to my clit and he began rubbing it gently. It felt nice. Better than I'd expected. I mostly ignored it, though, touching and playing with his body. He told me I smelled good. He told me I was very wet for him and he liked that. He asked me if I liked the way he was touching me and I nodded shyly, until his fingers found just the wrong spot. "Mmm... not there," I whispered. "Where?" he asked. I was quiet. "Tell me where," he asked again and I felt myself just completely freeze. "I... uh... don't know...." He didn't accept the answer, asking again, "it's okay, just tell me where." I wanted to tell him, I did. But I answered "I don't know. Really." Again. I never know. Not really. I mean, how do I teach a guy to make me cum?

This was the part that sticks in my head so strongly. Here was a man willing (and clearly able) to touch me however I wanted and I found myself unable to share that part of my self with him. I still find myself frustrated with my reaction. My complete lack of willingness to tell him forced me to change the focus. I moved back on the bed and had him join me there.

I watched him grab a condom, getting it ready. And I thought isn't that a bit soon? Luckily, he didn't put it on and I took him into my mouth after he climbed onto the bed. After I got him close a few times he asked if I wanted him inside me and I considered but realized how really close he was. And how much fucking I REALLY like. "I don't think that'd be fair to me," I finally said, confusing him. "I think I've gotten you close too many times," I explained. He nodded. Finally I asked him "...so... what if I don't want to swallow?" He told me he'd never really cared much one way or the other and I could use the bathroom behind him or he could get a tshirt. Or a towel. Or a tissue. I went back to what I was doing and when he came (an incredible orgasm, I might add) I swallowed.

Afterward he lay back for a while and relaxed, not reaching for me. "Basking," he told me. Finally he asked if I'd perhaps brought anything with me which he could use to satisfy me. I had not, and hadn't even considered the idea. And so I got none. Nothing. At all.

So we talked for a while, naked on the bed before eventually getting dressed and heading downstairs. Down there we talked a lot longer. And then I went home. As I left he gave me another chaste kiss and asked if he'd see me (at work) on Tuesday. I told him he would and haven't heard from him since.

Thus my irritation. Much as I think Trian is a nice guy (and often a door mat) I find myself irritated by the lack of manners when it comes to the post-nookie message. Or maybe that's just a "thing" with me. Especially when I got nothing out of it other than a long talk and a mouth full of cum...

You know...

a lesson any man can learn is that if they have a sex partner and they want to KEEP that sex partner... it's really nice if said man gives a girl a call back after the first night of sex (and some of the subsequent ones, too). Just a quick email, text, note, message, something saying "hey, thanks for the good time." NSA sex or not, it just makes a girl feel good.

I wish more guys would learn that.

The pre story.

So when I spent part of the day yesterday talking to Trian. He was bored at work so he came to the store and talked to me for a very long time. It was really interesting and really distracting. I got nothing done. Luckily, I'm the next person to work in the store so only I'll really know how little I did. Regardless, we talked for a very long time. About a lot of things. Other women, mostly, it seems like.

He told me he could spend the evening with the woman he's been entertaining for a few weeks but he kind of didn't want to and was thinking about telling her "no". I let some time pass before I finally asked him if perhaps he'd like to spend the evening with me. He considered and then told me "well, tonight I have this thing-" I cut him off utterly floored and offended and told him "you can't sit there and tell me you don't want to go see this other woman and pretend you suddenly have something planned you want to do. If you don't want to, I'm okay with that. I know you didn't want to be alone and I know you weren't all that excited about seeing her. But telling me 'no' isn't going to break my heart. You wouldn't be the first guy I've asked out in this store and been refused by. It's NOT a big deal."

A few moments later a customer came in and Trian excused himself to the bathroom. When he came back he told me that he'd be okay with spending the evening with me but "what do you want to do?" I shrugged and told him "I don't really know." "okay... but... what kind of plans do you have?" I shrugged again and told him I wasn't terribly picky. I could see he was getting vaguely frustrated which is when I recognized what he was actually asking. "Oh, I'm not trying to seduce you or anyhing! I just like talking to you." He smiled at that and asked "...so do you want to come over to my place?" "Sure," I said. He gave me directions and asked what time. We agreed upon a time and he added "that way you can get something to eat, take a shower, and relax..."

He left shorly afterward and I thought "...take a shower...?" Wondering if he'd actually heard me say "I'm trying to seduce you" rather than what I'd ACTUALLY said which was "I'm NOT trying to seduce you." However, being the good and obediant woman I am, when I got home I took a shower. You never know, afterall.

And then I headed out.

Not to put too fine a point on it...

but I ended up spending the evening with Trian.

Very... interesting.

Among the things I've discovered about Trian is the more time I spend in his company, the more I learn about myself.

No sense...

Mason came in today. I talked to him a little. He was in his more approachable moods. It was nice. He did that thing he does where I feel like he has something else he wants to say but never really does. I'm really not sure what to think of it. But I imagine all sorts of dirty, wonderful things coming out of his mouth. They never do, though. And probably never will.

Trian came in again today and talked to me for a long while. He tells me sad things that make me think. I went home and talked to husband about some of them and how they relate to him and I and the way it hurts me even in such a hypothetical way to think about the things Trian talks about. I can't really explain better, I dont' think. But much of it has to do with being in love with someone who's manipulative and cruel and yet somehow still the one you love.

It brought back to me much of the heartbreak I felt when I broke up with the ex (or he broke up with me). Whichever it was, much as I still know he wasn't "good" or "right" for me it didn't matter so much to my heart. I think of all the people in the world I've known he's the only one who really broke my heart. That kind of love and heartbreak is really hard to deal with rationally. He's the only person I really think of as my "exboyfriend" because he was really that important to me. Thus he's the ex, though I never married him or even officially dated him. Heck, I doubt he even thinks of me as an ex.

Anyway, so between remembering so vividly the tears, loneliness, and pain of losing the ex whom I was only with for about 4 months, I can imagine what Trian's dealing with losing his wife....

So if it all seems disjointed it's the benedryl. But it all made sense in my head as I typed each sentence. Maybe I can make more sense tomorrow if I've failed so miserably tonight. I just needed the outlet.

Ha!

Recently, I wrote a entry in which I linked to some video samples. Keith went and looked and basically told me he didn't care for them. Which kind of annoyed me. Because it wasn't about getting off so much as referencing what I was writing about. So there.

So after mentioning the jack-off boys on youtube and wondering if perhaps there was a more xrated of version of the site where hiding their meat would be less neccessary I found xtube. I'm not convinced its as user friendly as youtube (nor do I promise they don't spam or do any other annoying things) but... it appears to be pretty much exactly what I was looking for. And hell, a ten minute amateur video for free is hard to shake a fist at....

Virgins with Virgins...

I was talking to this guy online. No interest in him, really. Well, I was once. But everyone makes mistakes.

I keep accusing him of being a virgin. Specifically a 16 year old virgin. It wouldn't surprise me if that were actually the case. He told me that being a 16 year old virgin would certainly put him into a good position to fuck other 16 year old virgins.

Which got me to thinking about my first attempts at sex. Specifically, with my first boyfriend (at age of 18). I won't talk about HIS age, but he was younger than me. Which probably technically makes me a criminal, though I don't feel like much of a pervert. He started it, dammit. Regardless, we shared a lot of firsts. He was my first kiss and I, his. The first time we kissed each other (with tongue) was... interesting. Afterward we stared at one another for a long moment and I think I said "that was really weird. I'm not sure we did that right." And he agreed, looking vaguely troubled.

Practice makes perfect and looking back I'm pretty sure our first tongue kiss was actually a real, normal kiss. It just felt so different from anything either of us had ever experienced. It took some getting used to. Time passed and we shared some really great kisses. I gave him all sorts of hand jobs and oral sex during that time, too, but when he came he always liked me to be kissing him on the mouth. Well. Not always.

Things progressed between us in that way, but he never agreed to us having "real" sex. I wanted to feel a man inside me for my first time and he refused. I put a condom on him once in preparation but he went limp very quickly and told me he'd changed his mind.

Eventually, we broke up, having never completed that particular transaction. Shortly afterward, I met a reasonably attractive guy about 10 years older than me who took my virginity. Were I to go back to him at my present level of knowledge and skill we'd probably be pretty fucking awesome together. However, because I was so inexperienced and he was so unprepared for my lack of understanding (and ultimately enjoyment) of sex, it ended up being pretty bad. He knew I was a virgin, I'm just not sure he really understood exactly how virginal I was. I think we ended up having sex three times. Maybe as many as four. And then he told me he thought I was getting too serious about him and he felt compelled to break things off completely before he broke my heart. I kind of think he just wasn't that into me and found the sex boring as hell. I wouldn't blame him.

It's my own memories of my crap-tastic showing during my early sexual experiences that makes it very clear to me that I definitely don't want to be anyone else's first time. Thanks but no thanks. That's just too much responsibility.

However, I do still find myself wondering what it would have been like to have had sex with my first boyfriend. The sharing and learning about our bodies and our bodies responses and the mechanics of sex might have been really special. Just the way our first awkward attempts at kissing led us to some really wonderful, passionate moments after the shared initial discomfort of not knowing what we were doing, I can't help but wonder if fucking him would have been similar. I wonder how my sexuality would have developed differently with him.

Anyway, I was thinking that maybe virgins with virgins isn't a bad idea. I'm sure there's something to be said for being a virgin with a more experienced man but looking back... I can't help but wonder how it could have been different.

None-for-you game.

A long while ago I read somewhere about women and men and sex. More specifically about married couples in which the woman wants sex less than the man. According to what I read (or watched on tv?) many of the women became increasingly physically isolated because they were convinced ANY phyiscal contact would lead to attempts for sex by the man in their life. It was easier to rebuff all physical affection than take the chance of sexually frustrating their partner further and starting a fight. I think of it as the none-for-you game.

I'm starting to think husband read the same article.

Last night I put him to bed, but I'm still excessively horny. Much as I attempt to keep my sexuality seperate from my relationship with him (because of the none-for-you game that I find so frustrating) sometimes I can't help but persue him. Last night, as I kissed him goodnight, crawled ontop of him and began kissing him more earnestly, moving my hips over his suggestively. Finally when we seperated he told me "but we can't. No matter how much you want a baby!" Which is of course NOT what I'm going for but rather his excuse to avoid sex. Fear of pregnancy. However, even when I was on the pill religiously he found excuses to say "no." (Which is pretty impressive since my libido rapidly disappears when on the pill, thus making my attempts at sex very few and far between).

The thing that I think irritated me most was the fact that I really wasn't trying to get him to fuck me. I still have my yeast infection (last night was the last night of treatment... please god let me be better by tomorrow!) and am therefore still off limits to sex. So I was really persueing the affectionate touching thinking he knew I was simply unable to follow through. Instead he wanted to play the none-for-you game. Which is really such a shame because I wanted cock so bad last night I would have happily given him a BJ without concern for getting anything back for myself (since he so hates to give it). Instead, I found myself kissing him again and persuing it no further. Wouldn't want to put him out, afterall.

Meanwhile, The Good Wife (her blog's somewhere out there) mentioned youtube. Specifically the fact that there are delightfully r-rated videos of various and sundry men masturbating. Specifically close ups of clothed, hard cock in hand. It took me a few half-hearted attempts to figure out "underwear bulge" was among the keywords that would unlock the mystery of what the hell she was talking about. Needless to say after several sexless days and much frustration... I found those videos very effective.

And it got me to wondering where the hell there's a more adult version of youtube. Where the underwear come off....