Mason came in today. I talked to him a little. He was in his more approachable moods. It was nice. He did that thing he does where I feel like he has something else he wants to say but never really does. I'm really not sure what to think of it. But I imagine all sorts of dirty, wonderful things coming out of his mouth. They never do, though. And probably never will.
Trian came in again today and talked to me for a long while. He tells me sad things that make me think. I went home and talked to husband about some of them and how they relate to him and I and the way it hurts me even in such a hypothetical way to think about the things Trian talks about. I can't really explain better, I dont' think. But much of it has to do with being in love with someone who's manipulative and cruel and yet somehow still the one you love.
It brought back to me much of the heartbreak I felt when I broke up with the ex (or he broke up with me). Whichever it was, much as I still know he wasn't "good" or "right" for me it didn't matter so much to my heart. I think of all the people in the world I've known he's the only one who really broke my heart. That kind of love and heartbreak is really hard to deal with rationally. He's the only person I really think of as my "exboyfriend" because he was really that important to me. Thus he's the ex, though I never married him or even officially dated him. Heck, I doubt he even thinks of me as an ex.
Anyway, so between remembering so vividly the tears, loneliness, and pain of losing the ex whom I was only with for about 4 months, I can imagine what Trian's dealing with losing his wife....
So if it all seems disjointed it's the benedryl. But it all made sense in my head as I typed each sentence. Maybe I can make more sense tomorrow if I've failed so miserably tonight. I just needed the outlet.
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