Hottie

I went downtown today. Whilst wandering around looking for a particular job interview (for a job I *really* fucking want) I ended up in the wrong building. I met up with a guy in the parking garage elevator who was very gentlemanly. We both went to the next set of elevators and I ended up realizing I was utterly lost. I sighed and when he asked what floor I said something like "I guess I'm going with you guys." I got off at the first floor the elevator stopped on and went back down. But boy was that guy hot. And gentlemanly. It doesn't take much for me these days. A nice suit, a nice attitude... I'll fuck you....

I haven't cum since before we left the other coast.

Imagine.

Look who's still alive!

It took forever, but I finally got my internet back. We don't have jobs, the husband or myself. I'm tossing out applications and resumes like they're candy in the hopes that something sweet will come back to me. I haven't been searching for sex, alas. Who has time? Who can make the effort? Not I, alas. At least not right now. Hopefully no more than a few months....

But I should be around more to write.

I think I once mentioned my sister has been friends with my exboyfriend for years (after all she knew him before I did). In fact they've dated off and on that entire time. He's living (read sleeping) with her these days. I've seen in him EVERY SINGLE DAY since we got here. That's really, really weird. Alls I can say is she's insane for being with him and the very same things that made me drop him like a bad habit continue to annoy me about him. But my husband seems to think he's mostly okay. Except the same things that irritate me about my exboyfriend are the same things that irritate my husband about the guy. Which is kind of funny.

Oh, and no, this isn't "the ex" that broke my heart. I don't think anyone's heart got broken in the ending of THAT relationship.

Missing Him...

Pennsylvania, here we are. Yippee. I swear we drove as slowly as possible today, thanks to some unexplained traffic around fRedneck....

The last couple of days around the house were eventful, to be sure. No time to type and we kept having to make a choice between internet and TV because of the terrible quality of our cable signal and the fact that we'd already shipped the thingie that increases the signal strength. Needless to say... no time for blogging. Just as I suspected. Happily, Days Inn has dog friendly rooms and free high speed internet, so I'm okay again. At least for tonight.

So on to other things...

For some reason the other night husband was complaining that he was horny as hell and in no position to get off. No porn. Nothing. And I literally had a headache. So I helped him out by massaging the grapes. As SNL says. After he came, we both went to sleep. The next night I flipped on some HBO Real Sex On Demand show and watched for a while. Mostly, I find HBO's sex shows anything but erotic. However, in this case I was watching Lou Paget showing women various ways to give hand jobs and took it upon myself to fondle husband in similar ways. It wasn't too long until Husband came.

I went to sleep a while afterward and ended up having a really emotional and sexual dream about Keith. I'm depressed that I didn't get to see him again before I left. I didn't proactively seek him again... which make it my own damned fault. But god damn. The dream was HOT. And I woke up longing for him, again. As I leave Maryland I find myself thinking a lot about the people I'll never see again and hoping he's not one of them....

Preperation for the move.

Today's my last day at work around here. I'm a little heartbroken. Yesterday, my boss told me one of my coworkers is out sick for a couple of days and she was going to have to change the schedule. I'm not allowed to close alone on my last day and there simply weren't enough people to give me a chaperone which leaves me opening. Opening the store I don't fucking WANT to be at. I stared at my boss as she informed me this and I swear to god I started welling up. I'm not particularly ashamed of the fact that I cried a little right then, because I really do have an emotional investment in that store and it's a hard, hard thing for me to leave it. But it's not like I have a choice. Anyway, the very idea of leaving and not even getting to say goodbye hurt me. She told me that I could work half a day at the one store and then spend the end of my day at the other and I freakin' cried anyway. Gah. What'm I going to be like today?!?

This weekend is going to be a busy weekend from hell. Tonight through Monday morning we'll be cleaning and organizing stuff to be packed out at which point, Monday and Tuesday we'll actually be doing the official packing and moving part. Saturday night we have our final, unofficial going away at the local bar, too. Wednesday and Thursday will be spent running around the house cleaning and trying to get our asses ready for the drive cross country. We're down to our last 7 days and I'm sooooooo not ready.

What does this mean to you? Well, in your daily life, nothing, I think. But chances are I MAY post again this weekend and then after that... well... it could be weeks. No telling. I do have my laptop which will be going on the trip with us so if anything good happens I'll surely make sure to share the story. However, I'm not really sure that's a danger, for a while....

Lately

I've become frustrated with my fellow bloggers and their lack of posts. I mean, hello? I'm looking for something to read here! And then I realized that it's been something like a week since I made my last post. Oh. Umm. But that's different....

Needless to say I need to update my sidebar.

This week is my last week of work and then next week we gather ourselves up and head out. My god, my god.... Things still aren't done and there's really no doubt we're going to be rushing around like crazy people next week. It's okay. I'm somewhat mentally prepared.

Today is, however, husband's last day dressing up to play military man for work. I giggled at that and said "yeah, except when we decide to play soldier and peasant." "Peasant?" he repeated sounding amused and confused. "Yeah," I said. That was the end of that conversation. Anyway, he called me to let me know he was mostly out of the military as of like... right now. A month from now he'll be a full blown civilian (and veteran, of course).

I have no new prospects for sex. I haven't heard a peep out of any ANY of the guys I was either sleeping with recently or had the potential to sleep with. I guess it makes leaving much easier in that way.

I may see Martin for the last time on Saturday. In a group setting. Probably not with his girlfriend. That's going to be hard. Because as much as I was irritated with him and somewhat disappointed at times, he matters to me and he's been a very pleasant thought since our time together. I've been happy to know that at least he's nearby, if unavailable. Now that ends and I'm saddened.

Keith had hoped to be here by the time I left. But even with having pushed back my departure almost a full two weeks, I haven't heard from him. Now, I haven't written to him, either. And I should. Just so I can know wha happened to that particular fantasy....

So yeah, things are crazy and disorganized. And won't be getting any better any time soon. But we'll be okay. I hope!

That's Fate For You

Curt came in today. I watched him walk in and set down his stuff, whatever it was, out in the lobby. I was standing in front of the door, sort of. Lacking the protection of the counter I had a moment of panic. I'm not used to being out in the open that way. Kind of amusing. He walked up to me and I gazed at him, "hi stranger," I said. He smiled as he approached. He said something, but it was lost in my nervousness as he got closer. And patted my ass as he passed. I sputtered, laughing, "I can't... I don't... you're SO LUCKY," making no sense at all. He laughed as he continued toward the back of the store. He wasn't the only one in the store at the time. I could tell he was trying to wait until he was... but there were just too many customers coming and going. I treated him normally, irritated at his lack of contact. Thinking how fucking brilliant it is that he appears again the first day of my period.

Men.

Oh, and we still don't know where we're going to live. I do so love suspense....

Picking Up

Sam came into the store yesterday. He stands out more than ever to me because he's wearing a desert uniform. Not very many people around here are (although more than used to) so if I even catch a glimpse of his uniform I'm reasonably sure it's him. And fuck does that color scheme suit him. So he ducked in and my back was to him, but I turned around just in time to catch a glimpse of his uniform. After a second he stepped back from behind the object that was blocking the view and smiled and said "hi," I smiled back and asked "did you think I didn't see you come in? I knew it was you." I suppose I could have just said "I want to fuck your brains out" and meant the same thing... but you know how I am.

I ended up having a dream about him last night, although it wasn't nearly as interesting as I could hope. In the dream after he came and left someone mentioned that he'd broken up with his girlfriend which suddenly made his playfulness toward me make more sense. That was all, unfortunately.

There's also this really hot officer that comes into the store on a regular basis. I'd say at least as regularly as Sam used to. My super religious coworker actually started flirting with him first. I'd never dared because he's an officer AND he's hot. One or the other I can deal with but BOTH? Hardly. But she started flirting with him first and since then I've felt pretty free to talk to him. It's funny, though, because when he's around she gets super giggly. Even when he's not funny. I, at least, manage to avoid THAT because it's just annoying to me when others do it. At least, I TRY to avoid that.

Anyway, the other day he came in while my back was turned toward the door and slammed his hand down on the counter and kept walking. I'm SO used to that kind of interaction with people that I didn't even turn around. However, this means he notices me. And wants me to notice him. Such potential, there. And no time to really explore it. Not that I probably would, anyway. He's an officer. A higher ranking officer, at that. And he's hot.

I also turned my AFF profile back on and set it to the geographical region I'm heading to. I figure it generally takes me a while to warm up to most of the guys who frequent AFF (most of them aren't worth the effort it takes to read their one sentence emails) so I might as well start now. Because... who knows?

Resigned

I'm pretty sure I won't get laid again before we head out for our cross country trip. I've been cold and vaguely craving red meat. A glance at the calendar tells me that time of the month is on its way and I don't have too long to wait. The fact that I couldn't sleep tonight for want of an orgasm suggests I'm probably going to see it tomorrow.

We did a bit more apartment hunting today. Unfortunately, the places that looked most promising are closed on... yeah... Sunday AND Monday. What the fuck are the chances of that? Still, I'm feeling vaguely overwhelmed and like nothing has gotten done this weekend. Great.

There are worse places to be, however.

I'm not nearly as miserable as I sound. I'm SURE it's going to only get more stressful for a while. Another month or so. But after that... things should settle down and life will become "normal" in it's new way.

If I start thinking about it all too much I start freaking out. A step at a time, I say.

A night of unbridled passion (as they say) would really help with the stress level though, let me tell ya....

Morose.

The long silence comes from me retreating into myself a bit. Trying not to think. When I think about the upcoming move I literally feel my throat start to swell and tighten. I considered it for a while and discovered it's actually completely stress related. In fact, thinking about it... and thinking about what's caused it is causing my throat to tighten up again. Oh joy. Thus the reason I've been avoiding writing. About ANYTHING.

I haven't heard from Curt. I won't venture any further guesses as to what that's about. Time's too short to worry.

I'm still talking to Trian. I'm going to be sorry to end that friendship... but that's what distance does.

I don't know what's going on with Keith. He's supposed to be coming to live around here... but as the time grows closer he's grown more distant. How appropriate.

I'm really done with Whit, too. I have no interest in going to see him again. He thought he was sick with a rather unfortunate, chronic illness that was sapping his libido and energy. Turns out he's fine. Makes a girl feel good. Not. It just isn't worth it to me.

I found the best shirt ever on t-shirt hell. Well, it might not be the best ever, but it plays to my weaknesses.... Also, I really hope they don't change the link to something weird. That'd be unfortunate.

Anyway, my sex life is barren. The rest of my life is pretty much filled with stress. Great.

Future Things and an Orgasm

I ended up talking to Trian for a while today. He came in and stood around talking to me for a good 15 minutes or so. I very much enjoy talking to him. It was funny, though, because he's mentioned before that he might have to rent out the basement of his house in order to pay his mortgage in the future. It got me to thinking, once. Since then I've had the odd feeling that he was thinking I'd make a good room mate, though he's never said anything.

Today while he was talking to me he looked very thoughtful and asked me what I thought I might do if I do happen to go back home and decide that I really DON'T want to be with my husband anymore, if I'd given much thought to what I would do then. I admitted I'd given it SOME thought. He smiled and said "maybe you'd want to rent my basement...." I suppose I should make it a point to thank him for the offer, but I already told him that once I left the area I was very unlikely to return. "I have nothing really holding me here," I told him. Which is true.

Although I came home and considered Keith coming here and... well... dammit. Nothing holding me here, I said. Dammit! I refuse to think about it any further....

Not too much else going on. Plenty of stress revolving around the move. Not a lot of time spent doing much other than day dreaming about the men I can't have. Including, but not limited to Curt. In fact, who the fuck knows what's going on with that man. No call. Nothing. Maybe it was about the chase. Whatever the case, absence fails to make my heart grow fonder so much as it irritates me and makes me look elsewhere. Or in this case start looking forward to getting back home and to a new crop of men there....

Lastly, I downloaded a few more of Violet Blue's older podcasts. I listened to them on my ipod while I was getting the store ready to be opened. One of them was a semi-dirty story. Which left me wet and wanting. Just in time to open the store. It made me smile a little, secretly. After I got home I found another of the stories and went upstairs to masturbate. I remain utterly shocked and amazed at how fucking amazing my orgasms are from listening to the stories. I cried out loud, in near shock, biting down on my pillow as the orgasm crashed over me. It was that good. Seriously. Stunning.

Reality

I keep checking my cell in the hopes that Curt will call. It's really galling that he hasn't, yet. No missed calls on the phone. Nothing.

I spent part of the afternoon fantasizing about what exactly it'd be like to sleep with him. And, as I lay there it occured to me if I were really, really honest... I'm still just thinking about Keith.

Morals

So there's this kinda cute young guy who (used) to come into the store on a regular basis. Supposedly today is his last day. Which works out well since my last day is so close. He's a nice kid and I've often wondered about the possibilities. In a sort of "let me pervert you" way. In so far as I'm even perverse. Ahem. Anyway.

So we were talking today and somehow the conversation turned to sex. I believe I said something like "that's like saying sex and masturbation are the same." "Well, they are," he replied, "sex with yourself." I shook my head and laughed vaguely before saying "it's not really, though" and he replied "sure, all those kinds of sex, oral, anal... whatever... it's all the same really." I wanted to open my mouth to say more but another customer came up and the boy had to go. So much for him. But really, all I could think of was that early scene in The 40 Year Old Virgin when we find out our hero has never had sex. Dude. Just like bags of sand....

Wade came in and I talked to him for a while. I really like him as a person. I'm still just not convinced I could fuck him. Anyway, I talked to him about my "moral" issue having to do with sex with the married man. We went back and forth about it for a while about whether I hold any responsibility in making it possible for Curt to have another extramartial affair. Wade absolutely thinks that's not my issue, my business, or within my ability to control Curt and I should just do what I want to do. I argued that in knowing that he's married I do have certain amount of moral responsibility.

However, I also ended up asking both Wade and Husband about hookers. Both of them and myself seem to believe paid sex is perfectly fine. However, I pointed out that many professionals are dealing with married men. Therefore, if having sex with a married man is morally wrong for, say, me how could it be any less morally wrong for them? Husband suggests it has something to do with emotional attachment. However, I do believe men can (and do) become (inappropriately) emotionally attached to their service providers and that in the case of Curt and I there wouldn't be any real danger of the two of us becoming attached since I obviously already know Curt's a liar AND I'm moving cross country in less than month. And if it's okay for a whore... why not for me?

The funny thing about this particular conversation is that it actively compares me to a whore. And that doesn't bother me a bit. In a way I suppose that opens me up to ridicule. It's just too bad I don't think of it as an insult so much as a career choice...

Meanwhile, Wade now knows the deal with husband an I in the most superficial of ways. I told him, basically, "I fuck who I want." However, earlier in the conversation Wade said something like "hey, I'm just playing with you," telling me that supposedly he never meant his come ons. However, later he said something about how my talking about having sex was making him "uncomfortable" as if to suggest he was getting hard. So, whatever. I think he was just trying to cover his ass when he thought I was going to blast him for all the things he's said.

I spent much of the day with an eye out for any of the boys I like to flirt with. No one really came to visit (well, except Wade and that was short and sweet). No sign of Trian. Or Sam. Or any of the others. I was really disappointed but I was also really fucking busy so it all worked out. However, I kept an eye out for Curt. But he never showed. He’s also not called yet. I imagine he’s going to try to do the prescribed "three day" wait thing. Or maybe not. Who the fuck knows?

I’m still trying to figure out what, exactly, to do about Curt. On one hand I really don’t give a shit that he’s married. I’m only annoyed that it makes him less readily available. And it makes me think about the whole lying thing. I loathe lies and the lying liars that tell them. Cheaters are the ultimate in liars. Although the funny thing is they probably don’t think of themselves as dishonest, for the most part. Apparently they only lie about thing things that matter to the second most important person in their lives (beside themselves of course).

It’s troubling. The thing is, I don’t lust after Curt because of his honesty. It wasn’t his honesty that attracted me or keeps my mind flitting back to thoughts of him. And I’m not really sure if I should be making this kind of decision should be based on a fear of what other people think... which is really what I’m concerned about. I mean, I have a couple of different ways of looking at the situation and I’m really not sure which one to choose.

So, yeah. Like I said before. Knowing me, I’ll probably sleep with him. And I’ll probably enjoy it. And then I’ll move far, far away.

Did it.

So as I mentioned in my last post, I spent the entire day completely hyper and just having a damned good time. I flirted with EVERYONE, really. It was great, and great fun. My mood was amazing. It was a lovely, good thing. Many of those around me were bitter, angry folks. And I just didn't understand. Apparently I sucked up all the happy and they were left with the dregs of emotions. Or something.

Trian came in angry. My coworkers were bitter about one thing or another. Everyone was tired. And just generally grumpy. But I just didn't give a fuck. Well, okay, I did give a fuck but I felt the need to be the happy bunny, delivery little eggs of cheer to everyone I met. Who knows if it worked. Worked for me.

There's a guy who comes into the store a couple of times a week I've been flirting with for a while. He's cute and he's funny. What else matters, really? I once mentioned to him that I was a happy drunk and he told me he's a touchy feely drunk. I stared at him speechless and he smiled and said something like "got you thinking, didn't it?" Which he did.So today he walked up while I was trying to help a girl who had a uniform question. I tried calling my husband and one of his friends to find out the answer to her question but couldn't find out. Finally I turned to the guy and said "I think you're a man whore... do women wear the same thing as the guys?" "Yes," he said, "but what does that have to do with me being a man whore?" "I figure you've probably helped a few girls take them off," I said. He laughed and didn't reply. I apologized to the girl that she had to witness that display and she smiled "it's okay" and left.

Afterward the guy came up and said "why'd you have to cock block me like that?" I laughed and asked what he meant. "You called me a man whore and her expression just changed." I smiled, "shoot, you weren't going to come onto her anyway." "you're right," he said. Then I asked "why not? She was cute." He shrugged, "not really." I shook my head at him, "I just think you and I have different taste in women." "She wasn't that cute," he told me. "Different taste." I thought about it for a second and added "looks like we won't be having a hot threesome, then." "Plus, your husband probably wouldn't like that much." I smiled, "he'd probably be mad that I had a threesome... without him."

Curt came in, too. I saw him and immediately said "you didn't come back!" referencing the fact that he didn't come back into the store yesterday. I'd been all prepared to give him my phone number and everything. He smiled at me and said something like "but I'm here now." "Now's too late," I told him, "I was going to give you my phone number yesterday. Not now, though." He looked vaguely surprised, "really?" he asked. I nodded. "But not now?" I shook my head.

"Why were you going to give me your phone number," he asked, pointedly. I stared at him with a grin, not quite sure how to say what I've been thinking. "Did you want to invite me over?" he asked. Shook my head, "you can't come to MY house. My husband wouldn't like that." He smiled again, "did you want to get a hotel room," he asked me. I smiled "well, would we need to?" He nodded. I sighed, frowing. The implication was clear. Fuck.

I argued with him for a while about whether or not I should give him my number. I hemmed and hawed and stared into his lovely blue eyes. (fucking blue eyed men) And he said "I guess it all depends on how much you want me." I stared at him, unable to quite believe he was that forward and confident. I suppose I'd given him every reason to be at this point, but I've been turning him down for MONTHS. I gave him my number on a pack of matches I'd been fiddling with. What amused me most about it was the fact that yesterday I'd put my number on a pack of matches to pass to him and had forgetten them at home today, as he watched me fiddling with the matches he told me I should put my phone number on there for him. Like he knew.

After he disappeared the matches he looked at me for a long moment. "So, do you want to get a hotel room?" "I have to think about it," I told him, unable to bring myself to just say "yes." He continued to look at me, "the attraction between us is pretty clear." I smiled at that ironically, thinking of the blog entries I've re-read in the last few weeks detailing my lack of attraction to him. "Well," he said, "I'm good," then he laughed, "I shouldn't say I'm good." I smiled at that and said "wouldn't you HAVE to say that?" then added, "But really, I'm a difficult woman." "What do you mean?" He asked. I frowned, glancing around aware that there were other people in the store. "I'm at work! ... um... I'm just difficult," hoping maybe he'd understand that I'm not an easy girl to get off.

Whatever the case, he left not too long after that. And I was left standing there, bemused and hopeful, with wet panties wondering about the state of his arousal. The thing that I adore most is that he's someone I find I can actually carry on a conversation with... and I WANT to look him in the eyes the whole time. Which I did. I look at him and I wonder if I'm feeling the same sort of connection I felt with Keith. He seems to share some of that same shameless directness that Keith had and that I continue to try to find in myself. His directness brings out a similar quality in me which is part of what I enjoyed so much with Keith. And something I really fucking need to learn to do on my own.

Anyway, I suspect I will probably be spending at least an hour or two naked with this man rather soon. I'm also aware that there are those who're going to be pretty disappointed that I'm even considering helping a man cheat on his wife. I'm not really sure if there is a way to defend myself about this one. I've known far too many people who've been hurt by a cheater to walk into it pretending I'm guiltless... and yet I find myself drawn toward it anyway.

Well, we'll see. I'm selfish and imperfect and I want this man. But it's really hard to look into Trian's eyes and think hey, let me be a part of causing someone else that same pain I see reflected there. So who knows. As I told Curt, "I've done it before." I'm just not sure it means I should do it again, and yet....

The matches 

Husband sex

I'd been drinking because I was frustrated with some of the stuff related to the move and husband drank a little, too. Early on in the evening he walked up to me sitting in front of the computer (my normal spot) and he teasingly licked my ear. My ears are probably my most sensitive spot. I moaned, arching against him so he could explore further. He finally pulled away as I gazed at him in surprise, lust surely in my eyes. "I thought you'd like that," he said and wandered off to watch tv.

Eventually, I came over to lay with him on the couch. As I was laying there he started playing with my tits idly and I relaxed into it. I could feel him getting hard where my head was in his lap and I found myself utterly surprised. He jokingly (but really seriously) suggested I could suck his cock. But really. I demand a clean cock so I declined. "I could go take a quick shower," he said. I rolled my eyes and rubbed my face against the front of his pants, teasingly.

Eventually, my show was coming on so I was going to head upstairs. He stopped me at the end of the couch and began kissing the back of my neck, his fingers climbing my body slowly, teasingly. I got goose bumps, my breath coming in gasps until he let me go, again. I probably had another 30 minutes before it came on, but I figured I might as well get ready for bed. He followed me upstairs and forced me out of my spot in bed. It wasn't long before he was pulling my pants off. He slid his cock inside me slowly, fucking me gently. I giggled and strained to make sure my show wasn't on, yet. He laughed and kept fucking me slowly.

Finally he slid off me "I guess I'll go downstairs..." just as my show came on. I thought about it for a second and flipped onto my knees, presenting my cunt to him as he stood beside the bed. It didn't take more than a few seconds for him to take the hint and slip his cock back inside. His cock is so perfect for me in that position, hitting my gspot nicely... my body surprisingly familiar with the feel of him inside me I felt myself aching toward orgasm. Even as my show came on and husband grew gradually softer. Apparently Hugh has a different effect on husband than he does on me.... I asked him "is it the show?" and he agreed, adding "it's not like I can cum anyway." Seeing as I wasn't going to suck his cock and he wasn't wearing a condom. Apparently he didn't feel like pulling out and letting me (or himself) finish the job. Whatever the case, he pulled out and I lay down to finish watching my show as husband let his fingers caress the lips of my pussy, making my clit ache. And then he stood up to leave.

"Oh. My. God." I said, "I think I might hate you." He smiled at me knowingly and said "why?" trying to sound incredulous. "You KNOW why," I told him. He smiled at me and left. I considered chasing him down. But as we all know, I'm done chasing him.

I never did cum last night. I imagine he didn't, either. But it was so fucking awesome to have my husband back inside me. To know that at least in that moment, he wanted me.

I spent the entire day today hyper, and fun, and flirtatious just in an amazing mood. I can only blame him. And it makes me smile.

Recapping

So I've waited for something like a week for Curt to come back and see me again. He walked in around 1:30 while one of the vendor reps was in the store. He was talking to me. A lot. I wanted nothing more than for him to leave so I could talk to Curt who grabbed a water and brought it to me to ring up. I ignored the vendor in favor of him. "Were you just going to come in and not say anything?" I asked, pointedly. He smiled and said "I was going to say SOMETHING." "Right," I said, "I could tell by your silence." He smiled again. The vendor behind me interrupted forcing me to talk to him again. I finished the transaction with Curt and he told me "I have to go to PT." I frowned and asked far too plaintively, "will you come back?!?" "Maybe," he said as he left.

Unfortuantely, he didn't come back. At least not while I was still there. He was probably still in the gym when I got off work. I waited around in the store a while in the hopes that he'd show up but eventually forgot exactly why I was waiting so I left. Once I got outside I remembered again but by then it was too late and would have looked too pathetic for me to sit there in the hopes he'd show up. Especially if he hadn't planned to come back into the store.Maybe he'll show up some night this week.

The thing is, though, that when he came in I immediately started freaking out. My heart was pounding, adreneline... fight or flight, and I wanted to flee.

Sam came in a couple of days ago, too. I couldn't believe it. He walked in and said "hi" and it took me about a heartbeat to recognize him. "You're wearing funny colors," I told him, looking at his suddenly tan uniform. Turns out he's being sent to Iraq. We didn't have a long talk by any means. I told him I'm leaving, too. Right about the same time he is, oddly. Almost the same day. He bought his stuff and left. And I stood there in minor shock. I may never see him again but I'm still frightened by the idea of him going over there. I suspect that's where Nils is, now, too. And I believe Whit told me that's where he's going after this. Does my lust send people to Iraq?!?

I saw Whit a couple of days ago, too. I'll have to write about the sex I had with him.

And the sex I had with husband, too. I know. Can you believe it?

Take me...

I was thinking about what it is I crave from a man. Specifically, the things that I fantasize about when it comes to men. Trian and I had a conversation once about his wife and how his desire for sex was different from hers. For him it's all about love making. He likes the tenderness and gentle love making, whereas she prefers fucking. I considered that and told him he'd probably NOT like having sex with me, then because I'm a fan of fucking, too.

But I keep thinking about it and about the things I crave when it comes to sex. And really, it's NOT just about fucking. On one hand, Whit is an excellent example of straight up fucking. He loves to fuck. He aims to please, but there's nothing tender or emotional about his sex. When we're together there's no emotional bond on any level. And I find it disappointingly empty.

On the other hand, I'm not sure I've ever experienced "making love." However, I think I've experienced most of the trappings. Obviously, I had a GREAT time with Keith and the fact that he and I were so really... connected in what we did and I was not only able but desirous of looking into his pretty blue eyes while he was inside me... well.. if that's love making then I fucking crave that. On the other hand, if it's the gentle, teasing sex that so many men have tried with me (the stuff I lay there thinking "I can't feel it...") ....well... I can do without.

I was thinking about what exactly it is that I want. Keith was an excellent example of perfect sex. I don't think I could have asked for much more than what I shared with him and suspect I'll never have the pleasure again (excepting, of course, if he shows up here before I leave... but I'm really not convinced it'll be the same).

I tend to look at men and wonder if they can be the really forceful, yet tender lovers I crave. A readily (and continually memorable, to me) example would be that video of Monk with Violet Blue doing rope bondage. He was getting physical but took the time to ask "too much?" That sort of thing is super hot to me. Be rough, be demanding... but keep my needs in mind. Because I need THAT.

I loved the way Martin did that when he and I first got together. I loved the way he pushed me up against the wall but remained gentle and sensual throughout. If he could have kept up that kind of interaction with me, I would have been much more hard pressed to let him go.

So yeah. Always searching. Always fantasizing in my mind. Yeah, it lacks a certain sense of responsibility but... turns out I can fantasize and still be a fully functional adult....

Feelin' Froggy

I realized today that I have no fucking clue what the hell that term means. I asked my husband and he considered and said "I have no idea, either." Although we're both pretty sure we've heard it. I know I've heard it. A lot lately. It might have something to do with being intoxicated in some manner. But it's a very strange, very compelling phrase to me.

Anyway, I thought about a lot of stuff while I was at work today and actually had the presence of mind to write my thoughts down. There were many thoughts. Among them was an intense disappointment that none of my admirers came in today. How disappointing is that? I was really looking forward to seeing the guy who told me he wants me (I'll call him Curt). Anyway, my hopes were up the whole day, and there was no sign of him. God damn that Curt for making me want him and then just disappearing altogether for the whole fucking week.

Otherwise, I saw Hawk and I stared deep into his very, very dark eyes, trying to make out the edges of his contacts. But I couldn't. He leaned close. Close enough for me to kiss him. But I couldn't see them. He stood back up and I shook my head and told him I don't see them. He leaned close again, once again close enough that another inch or two and our lips would have touched... and I saw nothing. I wonder what he would have done if I had just up and kissed him. That would have been amusing....

I'll share the things I wrote down later.

So many thoughts... so few typed here.

We went to the going away party for one of my husband's coworkers. Heading out to the desert (or the sandbox as so many around here call it). It kind of surprises me how many people I've known who've been sent. Anyway, as with all those who get sent, I can't help but worry. So far I haven't known of anyone who's died over there... but it is, perhaps, only a matter of time. On the other hand, I'll be leaving my many military connections behind next month so maybe I'll manage to remain untouched in that way....

I spent most of the "party" trying NOT to gaze longingly at the higher ranking guy who works with my husband. He's quite handsome and funny and friendly, too. I noticed he had no woman with him which got me to wondering just what his marital status actually was. Husband seems to think he's single. I won't try to seduce him, because that'd be morally wrong, you know. But, oh. How I want to....

I'm hoping against all hope that the guy I still haven't come up with a name for the one who told me he wanted me will show up tomorrow. And maybe he can prove it....

Anyway, I was thinking I need to learn to be more sexually aggressive in some ways. And it occurred to me that in some ways I really AM. Just not enough of them. I've gotten better at being a bit more forward when it comes to talking to men. However, my follow through is TERRIBLE.