Take me...

I was thinking about what it is I crave from a man. Specifically, the things that I fantasize about when it comes to men. Trian and I had a conversation once about his wife and how his desire for sex was different from hers. For him it's all about love making. He likes the tenderness and gentle love making, whereas she prefers fucking. I considered that and told him he'd probably NOT like having sex with me, then because I'm a fan of fucking, too.

But I keep thinking about it and about the things I crave when it comes to sex. And really, it's NOT just about fucking. On one hand, Whit is an excellent example of straight up fucking. He loves to fuck. He aims to please, but there's nothing tender or emotional about his sex. When we're together there's no emotional bond on any level. And I find it disappointingly empty.

On the other hand, I'm not sure I've ever experienced "making love." However, I think I've experienced most of the trappings. Obviously, I had a GREAT time with Keith and the fact that he and I were so really... connected in what we did and I was not only able but desirous of looking into his pretty blue eyes while he was inside me... well.. if that's love making then I fucking crave that. On the other hand, if it's the gentle, teasing sex that so many men have tried with me (the stuff I lay there thinking "I can't feel it...") ....well... I can do without.

I was thinking about what exactly it is that I want. Keith was an excellent example of perfect sex. I don't think I could have asked for much more than what I shared with him and suspect I'll never have the pleasure again (excepting, of course, if he shows up here before I leave... but I'm really not convinced it'll be the same).

I tend to look at men and wonder if they can be the really forceful, yet tender lovers I crave. A readily (and continually memorable, to me) example would be that video of Monk with Violet Blue doing rope bondage. He was getting physical but took the time to ask "too much?" That sort of thing is super hot to me. Be rough, be demanding... but keep my needs in mind. Because I need THAT.

I loved the way Martin did that when he and I first got together. I loved the way he pushed me up against the wall but remained gentle and sensual throughout. If he could have kept up that kind of interaction with me, I would have been much more hard pressed to let him go.

So yeah. Always searching. Always fantasizing in my mind. Yeah, it lacks a certain sense of responsibility but... turns out I can fantasize and still be a fully functional adult....