So little time...

So yesterday I woke up early, but it turns out it wasn't quite early enough to get me to work on time. I was only a couple of minutes late, but if there's one thing I loathe it's tardiness. I'm NEVER late. In fact if anything I'm usually about 20 minutes early. This really doesn't have much to do with much, but I have to point out that my commute to work takes about an hour. Because of traffic. The same is true for my commute home. Unless it's during non-rush-hour traffic at which point it takes about 20 minutes.

Once I got home I lay down pretty much immediately. For a 20 minute nap. I woke up several hours later to force myself to go to the store. And then came back home and went to sleep.

I sleep all the time. Hopefully once all the learning is done I'll be able to stay awake when I'm not FORCED to. Because this sucks....

Well, I'll be.

So I really didn't see so much of anyone, again, today. However, I got a better look at the new boy (who will be working as far from me in the store as possible) and while he's still not my type... he's not too bad. He was wearing a... foreign jacket... I won't name names but with his looks and his jacket if he's not a first generation immigrant his parents both are. I suspect the former. All I'm saying is that Lola from Lola On... would adore him. And I can respect that. But he's just too young.

I was thinking the other part where I said that my trainer is Asian seemed a little out of place. One must not forget I have a bit of a fetish for Asian men so....

Anyway, I wandered through the store and got a look at a couple of hotties here and there. Customers, of course. But enough to bring a smile to my face. Yay. Hopefully by the end of the week I'll be suffering through serving customers... and mooning over the hot guys again....

First day

I spent the day in front of the computer. It was not exciting. I thought I was going to die of tired most of the way through the day. And then at the end, too. Oh, it was a long, long day. The computer was not a hot and sexy man. It was very disappointing. My trainer is not a hot and sexy man. He is asian. Which is cool. But that's all I have to say about him. The guy I'm training "with" is one of those young, urban emo white boys... well... at least that's my take on him. Nothing that interests me. In fact, I'm pretty sure there are NO guys I want to fuck who work there. Well, possibly one, but I only saw his reflection in a window. Not much to go on.

I'm under the impression tomorrow will be more of the same....

First Day

My first day of work is here. Well, my first day of training. For the first time in my work history I actually get three days of not-on-the-job training. Which is really pretty funny to me since I'm now quite comfortable with the basics (and some of the advanced parts) of the work I do and really just need the specifics having to do with this particular company. But whatever. Three eight-hour days of training, I was told. It's going to be a long three days. After that, though, it'll go down to part time which is NOT what I want. But you do what you've got to do. I'm almost certainly going to need a second job, especially since the husband isn't working.

In some ways I really have enjoyed the time I've spent sitting around doing nothing. But I guess it's time to get back into the real world. It'll be nice to have real-world conversations with people who aren't related to me by blood or marriage....

So today... today I look forward to possibly being bored out of my mind. But soon... maybe, just maybe, I'll get to start talking to lots of people again. And hopefully at least a few of them will be hot, sexy men.

Porn in the mail!

I'm gonna work on updating my blog template a little. Maybe. I started. I clicked a couple of buttons. Saved the old template. Yeah, exciting, I know. It's dramatic and different. The drawback being, mostly, that I've currently lost my blogroll. Which pretty much sucks since that's the main way I access everyone else's blogs. Not that I can't put it back. I just don't want to go through the effort right now.

Moving on, I bought Matt and Khym: Better Than Ever, like, last year. First off, I wonder what it must be like to be the couple who was filmed, is there an impatience to see the finished product and find out the outcome? Or do they have regrets? I mean, they're human right? I always wonder about the aftermath, good bad, or indifferent. Anyway, there's a tangent for you. Regardless, I've been staring at Khym's nose ring, but I haven't been able to bring myself to watch it, yet. For three major reasons, first is that my sexual pleasure has so little to do with my husband these days that the idea of watching porn and or masturbating in front of him makes me uncomfortable (and we're together ALL THE TIME, these days).

Second, I'm a little concerned over my emotional state in regards to the movie. The other movie from Comstock that I own, Marie and Jack: A Hardcore Love Story was really trying for me, emotionally. The lovers' affection and passion for one another was evident and beautiful and it left me feeling bereft in my own life. Watching them together reminded me very much of what it felt like to me to be with Keith last year. And while I can't say he and I even had the potential to continue on that sort of path, I was left aching for his touch and the affection he showed me while we were together. I really only watched the movie twice, once with commentary and once without. I had a wonderful orgasm but walked away not really sure what to make of the experience. I might watch the movie NOW and wonder why the hell I had such an emotional reaction, but I've been unwilling to chance it. When it comes to Matt and Khym I'm really concerned I'm going to be left in the same state, aroused and elated by the movie... and at the same time feeling empty in my own life.

The third reason, and really the most pressing of them is that I can't find my computer's speakers since the move. While I'm sure the movie has the potential of being pleasurable without the commentary... really, it's an integral part of the movie. Sound is very arousing to me. In phone sex, I've found myself most excited by the catches of breath and moans a man makes as he nears orgasm far more than by the words. Missing that in a movie makes even the sexiest scene seem sterile. On the other hand, so does the painfully fake moaning, grunting orgasms of the silicone-sex flicks. Without the speakers... well... it's definitely not the same. Especially when it comes to these particular movies.

I could use the DVD player on the tv, but that very much goes back to the first situation. I can reasonably sit in the corner with my computer and masturbate without feeling uncomfortable about the situation, but the apartment is so small that it's very difficult to watch TV without my husband knowing exactly what it is I'm watching. It shouldn't be a big deal, and in a way it's not... but it kind of is. Knowing he's aware and choosing to remain uninvolved makes it very hard to relax and enjoy a movie.

I'm reminded of an entry Tony Comstock made on his blog (which referenced my blog) regarding ipods and the future of porn on them. For the last month or so of my last job I avidly listened to Violet Blue's Open Source Sex podcast while I worked alone. It made closing up the store a much more pleasant, interesting affair. I also used it at home, on occasion, to masturbate. It was VERY effective. Since the computer is my main source of porn (and thus masturbatory fulfillment) it's helpful to have the ipod so I can take my porn elsewhere, namely the bedroom. I've yet to masturbate to a movie on the ipod. I've watched and enjoyed some of the podcasts offered by Comstock, but never actually came to them. It might be interesting to try to rip the movie to my ipod (if that's possible) just to try it out.

If I can find some damned headphones.

Stupid blogger still won't let me publish comments like they used to. You know, type and THEN sign in and publish. No, sir. That'd make too much sense. Afterall, it's just the way they've always done it, why continue? Ugh.

I start my part time job on Monday. I'm trying to get in with a full time job. Maybe I'll have both. Maybe I won't feel overwhelmed. My husband, meanwhile, is not working at getting a job at all. And no, he doesn't want to go out. To the store. Or anything. "Next thing you know, I won't be willing to leave the bedroom." Funny, that's exactly how I was feeling just about a week ago. And two weeks ago, too. Get out of bed? What the fuck for?

I'm starting to feel slightly more alive these days.

Oh, and that Magic Bullet thing they keep advertising on TV? I'm totally sold. I don't know how or why but I want one so bad I'm tempted to put it on credit. And I NEVER put ANYTHING on credit. Except, every single time I see the ad or hear the name I immediately think magic bullet... is that a vibrator? At which point I start looking for ways in which the magic bullet is shaped similarly to a dildo. Maybe that's part of the reason I really want one. Sex sells.

I'm still not looking for a lover. It struck me the other day as I was in the shower that I cannot for the life of me remember the last time I got fucked. Oh, wait. I vaguely remember, now. It was with that cop at the hotel. I suppose it's only been 4 or 5 months. Only. God damn.

Ah, sweet relief

I'm looking at the likelihood of having not one, but two jobs. I'm really not sure that I'll take or keep both, and I'm having problems deciding which one to take. One would be more pleasurable to me, I think. The other has all the money and benefits. While money isn't everything, the first job doesn't (yet) offer enough to live on and the second would. Easily. So, yeah. I find myself vaguely fraught trying to pick. We'll see. Something will work out, no doubt.

Thank god things are finally starting to come together a little. I can start getting out of the house, moving around, making money and rejoining society. And then... hopefully, I'll get at least a little of my confidence back. Maybe have something fun to write about.

I woke up this morning thinking about Keith. I haven't heard from him forever....

The laptop.

So last night my husband came to bed looking pensive. I didn't think much of it, I was tired and more than ready to get some sleep. "Umm... have you had a problem with the laptop turning off for no reason?" "No," I told him, ready to turn off the light. "Umm. I wasn't looking at porn or anything but the laptop turned off and it won't come back on." Which only made me laugh. You'd think I'd be upset. The laptop's broken? Great. But no, all I can think is "you weren't looking at porn"? I shook my head at him, "it's probably because you were looking at porn" I got up to go look at the laptop and punch futilely at the power button. "I wasn't looking at porn," he swore. "Right, other than the porn," I replied. "I wasn't looking at porn!" he repeated, adding "I was THINKING about looking at porn, but I wasn't, yet." "You know," I mused, "I believe the computer knew you were going to look at porn and it died inside."

Good times.

So I masturbated (unexpectedly!) to some porn tonight. I came across it (so to speak) accidentally and found myself turned on enough to masturbate myself to orgasm within about... two minutes.

First off, what is it about me fucking men that makes 2 minutes suddenly take 20 or an hour? Gah. It's very frustrating. If I could come in 2 minutes with a lover, I could come at least twice. Plenty of time for clitoral rest in between orgasms....

Anyway, I'm pretty much using lube and a finger and skipping an internal device. No vibrator, no dildo, nothing. Which is rather a bit unlike me. However, I've discovered that really my vibe is just inconvenient. It's just that much too long for me to comfortably position myself so that it's hands-free. Furthermore, my "splurge" purchase a while back, while occasionally okay... just doesn't fit me as well as I'd like so it's almost painful to use. Lastly, my barbell is just not girthy enough to provide the sensation I crave. Unfortunately, I simply can't afford to add to my small collection right now. Which is really a shame.

So the good news about it is that after two months of not having anything inside me was pretty fucking awesome, the last time. And I'm considering putting myself off that way again. Maybe the next thing inside me will be a lovely cock and I can enjoy the sensation of being penetrated for the first time in a long while... and having it be by something with the proper dimensions.

If only I could do that two minute orgasm with the hypothetical guy....

The fact is...

I switched to the beta (although of course now they say they're out of beta) and I fucking loathe it. Okay, okay.. it's not so much the new blogger that I loathe so much as I get frustrated everytime I type out a comment on other peoples blogs only to discover I have to sign on using my google account. Except when I do that my entire comment (usually long... I'm wordy) disappears. So I close the browser and leave the computer. Yeah, it pisses me off. Just a little. My frustration with that bleeds over to my feelings about the blog. Avoidance is the better part of me not breaking the mother fucking computer over this. Or something.

My schedule is all fucked up (I'm slowly working on righting it... but waking up at 3:30 in the morning wasn't in the plan). I STILL don't have a job and I'm getting super pissed. I cannot begin to understand why I haven't been hired even at the entry level positions I've put in for. Entry level in retail, which I've been doing for 10 god damned years. Ridiculous. I get passed over for the higher positions, too. What. The. Fuck?!? It's not rocket surgery, for christ sake. I'm starting to worry that it has something to do with my background check. Except it shouldn't. There's NOTHING negative there. So, anyway, I'm guessing I'm going to have to give in and put in for unemployment which I don't feel really good about. But whatever, that's what it's there for, I suppose.

So, my life is filled with frustration. My orgasms are few and far between (like three whole days can go by!) and my sex life is nothing. Which isn't really a problem for me right now. Despite being jobless I feel like I don't have any TIME (thanks to my fucked up sleep schedule) and frankly, I don't feel like wading through scores of assholes looking for a decent guy to fuck. Searching for a sex partner I think of as worthy is not an easy thing for me as I go through whole weeks and months contacted solely by men who are clearly "special needs" when it comes to women. No thanks. It depresses me. I happen to KNOW there are many great, fuckable men out there. But not all that many of them are local, online, and into me.

Despite all the frustration, I'm somewhat less depressed than I was. For now. Getting a job... and hopefully it being a job I don't hate... will go a long, long way to putting me back on an even keel. And make me my blog a LOT more interesting....

Ha!

Turns out even though I left my piercing out for over 12 hours yesterday I was still able to get the stud back in (when I found it) with very minimal discomfort. It didn't even hurt. Oh, thank goodness. I took it out when I went to my job interview and when I came home and put it back in it was only slightly more uncomfortable. However, when I asked someone who deals with the public at that particular location to point me toward the person I was supposed to interview with... I saw that she has a labret. I figure if she's allowed to wear a very obvious metal labret I might be allowed to keep my tongue as it is. Score. I didn't ask, though. I wasn't really sure how to approach that question, yet.

Husband and I were in the car today and I whined to him about the fact that I miss so many of the men I used to talk to at the old store. Specifically, Sam. Husband asked me if I'd tried adultfriendfinder around here. Uh no, not really. The whole point is that I miss the pleasure of having a crush, a crush on a nice man who'd entertain my crush.. without... you know... ruining it with toooo much reality. It was okay that he didn't want me, too. I mean... maybe reality would have been as good as the fantasy... but unlikely. My fantasy of him was pretty amazing.....

So yeah, no men around like that for me right now... and it's SOOOO disappointing. You men of the world are going to have to do WAY better than that.

Note to Keith: dude. I emailed you. Again. There's a perfectly useable email address on the address bar of this web page if you've actually forgotten my address. Not to mention you should be able to leave me an offline message on yahoo!

Misery.

I suppose technically my blogger photo is a lie these days. I took out my tongue piercing this morning. I've been thinking about trying to put it back in just to see if I still can almost 12 hours later... but I can't find the damned stud. So... so much for that. I can't help but suspect it's part of the reason I'm still not having a job. So that's the lie. The photo. At least, now it is. *sigh*

I'm having a shitty, shitty life these days. I'm bitter and angry at my husband for making me come here instead of us continuing our lives the way they were. It suited me fine. Although I know he was miserable. But now I am miserable. This is not better.

I'm also really angry because I popped another tire today. And I couldn't just pop the fucker, I have to pop the side wall. This is the second tire sidewall I've popped since moving here. I've never, ever had a popped tire before. I'm grateful that the last time it happened I wasn't alone so I was able to learn how to change the tire and this particular problem set me back all of 15 minutes... but I busted my knuckle on the pavement... and of course I have to replace the mother fucking tire. Because NOTHING IN MY LIFE can be free. Or cost anything less than the price of full replacement, while I have no job. I'm so fucking pissed. The only thing that keeps me from being aggressively angry is that it's not the SAME tire. So eventually I'll buy a new set... tire by tire. I guess this means I have two more months until I replace another....

Also, I have an interview tomorrow at a place I have absolutely no desire to work doing something I have absolutely no desire to do in an area I have absolutely no desire to be. Great! Sign me up. It's funny how these jobs I couldn't give two shits about, I always come across great. The ones I really, really want... not so much. So of course, I'll go in calm and collected and give them whatever answers they want to hear and they'll probably hire me and I'll want to kill myself for the next several months. Or maybe they'll inexplicably NOT hire me and I'll continue to want to kill myself anyway.

I hate my life. I think I'm going to get drunk.

So tired...

Happily, we should be getting all of our household goods tomorrow. I'm so excited to have something other than the floor or a very uncomfortable stool to sit on again. And a bed. A real live bed. And dildos. Oh, it'll feel good to be filled up again.

I only kept my Betty's Barbell dildo because I figured it would be the least recognizable as a sex toy if anyone should happen across it. And of course because I accidentally left it out of my super-secret "sex toy" box the movers packed. A couple of days ago was the first time I used it since before we moved. Having something inside me again was... intense. Fucking awesome, really. I can't believe it'd been somewhere around 2 months since I'd experienced being fucked, even by an inanimate object. Needless to say I'm looking forward to hunting down my nice thick silicon dildos so my pussy has something to squeeze hard with it's orgasm.

Meanwhile, it's 6:30 in the morning and I've slept all of two hours. The movers should be here in about 5 hours... yeah... this isn't a good thing. Me being awake right now. However, it turns out we live right on the flight path of the local international airport as well as next to a big hill on a major arterial for the area, which hosts a surprising number of semi-tractor-trailer-jobbies. You know, the ones with the Jake brakes. Oh, and cars that don't have mufflers. And homies who don't have much left in the way of hearing. I can't believe how much I miss the military base.

Too much time on my hands.

Pondering

I switched to the new blogger. But ugh. I can't bring myself to do anything with it. I should, though. Really....

Meanwhile, I dropped Husband off at work and drove home thinking about The Ex. Actually, I drove home thinking about his kisses. Early in our "relationship" we spent a lot of time kissing. He was a really sexy, sensual guy who understood the value of long kisses and teasing foreplay. Kissing him once meant sex was on its way because I couldn't stop kissing him until he was inside me. His lips made me ache. I commented to him once that he and I shouldn't ever kiss unless we were planning on having sex because it was just too damned hard to stop. And we pretty much stuck to that one.

One night, a few days after he had told me was going to be monogamous with some new girl he kissed me a few times. On the cheek, mostly. But it was enough to raise the hairs on my neck, he turned me on so much. Those kisses were quick, perfunctory and very, very teasing. I told him to stop. We were supposed to be friends, nothing more. Eventually his mouth found mine and I started to respond... then stopped myself, "are you sure?" I asked. He smiled and said the thing with the other girl was over and he knew exactly what he was doing.

Turns out, he was breaking my heart in half. I still wonder if he knew it. But oh, his lips. That night... so many nights....

So tonight as I drove home I drifted back to my memories of his lips. And I found myself wondering if someday, these memories of great lovers will be my best company. Just memories....

Insane

Life is making me crazy. I cry all the time right now. I keep telling myself to focus on the positive and the future and stop dwelling on the present and on the crap going on... but it's awfully hard. Being out of work SUCKS. I lay down at night in this sick, numb state and everytime I try to relax enough to sleep I start crying. It's not good. It'll get better. It will....

I miss Martin. Now more than ever I wish I could sit down and talk to him and have him help me not be so scared. I look up to him in some ways. I could call but it's just not the same.

I miss Keith, too. Although I admit to myself my relationship with him has always been kind of weird. I mean, it was passionate and it had some real potential... but at the same time we delighted in admitting to one another that it'd never work out in the real world. But the sex... and the potential of the sex....

Orgasm

Last night husband and I started touching one another, getting a little frisky. Finally I turned on some really cheap, really bad porn. He took off his glasses and prepared to go to sleep. So I turned off that movie and found something a little more interesting. Watching these two people have sex I sat at the foot of the bed and masturbated while husband pretended to sleep, or whatever it was he was doing. I came silently, holding my breath, trying for complete stillness. After I came I watched the movie for a few more seconds and lay back on the bed, completely spent. I clicked off the tv and basked for a while. I mentioned to husband how pleasurable a good orgasm can be and he asked "you came?! You're subtle." Yeah, well, that was the goal. He didn't want to help out, he didn't get to enjoy it. End of story.

However, a few minutes later husband decided to masturbate and I helped him. Because I'm like that. I love orgasms. What can I say?

For the record...

First off, there's really no chance of me falling in love (or even lust) with the guy I used to date (who's now seeing my sister). In fact, I have no idea why she even wants to be with him. But whatever, I'm trying to be positive about it. However, this morning when I spent some time with them I found myself calling him out for being passive aggressive toward her. While I'm not perfect, it was blatant and it was manipulative and I couldn't just let it go. I rather fear I'm going to have to watch my reactions around that because their relationship is not my deal and I don't want to step into the middle of it. On the other hand, watching someone treat my sister poorly is difficult, at best, to tolerate. So, yeah. There's that.

Meanwhile, since I masturbated this morning I'm getting all hot to get another guy into bed with me. Obviously not just any guy... but not a specific guy, either. Fantasies return to Keith and of course Sam. Damn. Sam's in Iraq right now. And all I can think is that he's probably pretty hard up for sex right now. Not that I want a man on those terms but in his case I also wouldn't refuse him. Like, EVER.

I watched some show where two near strangers were engaged in passionate foreplay and it made me horny. I was waiting in my car for my sister to get off work and I found myself eyeballing every guy who walked by. Unfortunately, being local college boys I found myself utterly turned off by them. Which was disappointing. My sister caught me looking at one guy who actually held no interest for me, I was just trying to decide if I'd do him. I'm sure she thought I was thinking about fucking him, which technically I was, I suppose. I almost felt the need to explain myself but decided it mattered not at all.

I'm troubled, though, because my tastes absolutely run toward the hot military-types and being 0n the left coast that's NOT what I'm finding myself seeing. Hopefully my tastes will, once again, change to reflect what is around me... but for now... I'm so turned off by the locals. *sigh*

Aaaah

They're trying to make me switch to the new blogger. I suppose I should. Just not today.

I came this morning. I was bitter and angry and husband went to take a shower before me, though I'd been planning on the first shower. So I lay back down and thought "hmm... why not?" and proceeded to masturbate to an above average orgasm. And a muuuuuuch better mood. Holy shit, I'm in a better mood, really. I'd totally kiss all you guys right now if I could I'm so in love with the world. Right now that is...

I was thinking maybe I should start working in a hardware store. My first lover was a construction worker. And I like the odds. Or maybe I'll get a real job.

I really wanted to start going to school next month but it turns out in this state, in order not to have to pay an extra $5000, I have to live here for a year in order to be a resident. Ridiculousness. I'm punished for being a former military wife. I'm a bitter, angry woman. I'll get over it, but my dissappointment is palpable. We just can't afford that.

Oh, and our household goods (bed, couch, EVERYTHING) might get here in time for Christmas. That's way too long....

Damn

No job. Makes it really, really hard to feel good about anything at all. It's upsetting. Depressing. Annoying as hell. I got really upset the other day. I'd planned to spend a nice evening drinking. But I still have responsibilities so I put my evening of drunkeness taking care of those. Last night, though....

I drank probably about a bottle of wine last night and proceeded to get really, really friendly with husband. By the end of it, I sucked his cock, eventually making him cum. Up my nose. He caught me off guard. It was funny. Needless to say he was in a very good mood. And I was drunk.

And then I got my period. Which explains the emotional mess I've been as well as my willingness to please. I, unfortunately, shot myself in the foot on that one, though, because as drunk as I was I played with my clit and told husband "wow, I can barely feel it. That sucks..." So still... no orgasm.

And no job. But I said that.

I miss all my boys from my last job. And silent Keith.