The post I was gonna make.

So. The post I was talking about last time.

There's this guy. (Here I go jinxing it by talking about him) whom I totally dig. I like him. But I was thinking that the longer he and I wait to get together... the worse it could be. I bring this up because of the idea of anticipation.

There was a guy a few years ago that I desired. A few years? Gosh, almost 7 years ago. He and I talked off and on for close to three years. When we first started chatting he was maybe 30 miles north of me, but we never met. And then he moved somewhere. And I moved to the other coast. Within a year he was once again living within 30 miles, this time south of me. He wanted to meet, but I was afraid. After over a year of build up I wanted this man so much I could taste it. And I just KNEW I could never live up to his expectations.

Eventually, he moved again (this time overseas) I told him once during this time that he'd become my favorite fantasy. He finally told me, "really, don't build me up like that. Because I'm just another person...." I laughed it off, "it's not like that. I imagine you'd be really good in bed... but somehow you're a surefire fantasy to get me off." He still had a problem with it, though. Because as he told me, "I really might not be that good in bed." Over the years we've completely lost touch, which is SUCH a disappointment to me because he's someone I think of as a friend and I really really liked him as such above and beyond the sexual attraction I felt.

It reminds me of CD, whom I slept with a few months back. I do not doubt for a SECOND that the sex that we had was a MAJOR disappointment to him. I think he saw me as someone far more knowledgable and experienced than I am. I messed up with him pretty bad. Probably one of my worst sexual performances EVER. I think over the course of about 8 months he decided I would be an incredible lay... and ended up being just awful because of the anticipation and fantasy he'd built up about me.

I'm afraid Justin and I are going to go this way. He sometimes brags about his sexual prowess. I find myself drawn to that... I want to believe him. And then I heave a big internal sigh and tell myself to calm my ass down... because you're only as good in bed as your current performance and afterward... it pretty much starts at zero, again. There's so much more to sex than just one person's supposed abilities. What turns me on might be a turn off to the next girl... etc.

So anyway. I'm just thinking.

On another note Justin called me today to see if I wanted to get together for lunch. Maybe 10 minutes after I'd finished eating my late breakfast. *sigh* I agreed but told him I needed to shower and dress (which I did). As I was completing getting ready he told me he had to go back to work unexpectedly. Damn. Today coulda been the day.