Avec Pr0n

Yeah, I couldn't resist. I was reading a blog... and it got hot... and I thought "oh, fuck..." and started masturbating... and then I thought "well, I might as well search for more of that because it was really fucking hot and... and... I'll stop before I cum...." except I didn't. And it was awesome. When I came I cried out. I should have kept my mouth shut but it was so good... how could I?

And then thought "aw... I just used porn." Except... well... it was worth it. Ain't no shame in my game. Porn has it's place. I think of it as a refresher. "Ah, yes, that's what I liked about it!" No movies, though. Only words. Creating my own pictures....

And I was thinking about my time with Martin. While I was masturbating and he was watching... helping... he talked. And I tried to ignore him, as I often do with the talkers. And it reminded me of back when I first started sleeping around. I had a lot of phone sex. I'd listen to them talk. Not saying much myself... letting my moans be my words... telling them hesitantly what I was doing... how it felt. And I fucking loved to hear the words and their moans.

I had sex with a guy. Ron. Well, I went down on him. We never fucked. But he helped me to cum, his fingers deep inside. I could feel his breath on my pussy as I masturbated, as he watched up close and personal. The breathe felt like a caress, like a third more gentle, hesitant hand. I was close... something was holding me back. I thought about it for a second and told him "talk to me." He told me to cum for him. Twice. And I did. Because he wanted me to. That's all it took. And I wonder... what happened to that? How is it that sexuality is so fluid, so dynamic that the thing that turned me on yesterday is annoying to me, now?

Meanwhile, yesterday I was talking to Husband about getting my clitoral hood pierced. As I was talking about it, I reached my hand down into my pants, tucking a finger in the exact spot the barbell would hit... and shivered. As we kept talking I couldn't help but masturbate. I laughed after a moment and told him, "ha! I'm sitting here trying to have a conversation and I'm masturbating." He smiled at me and we kept talking... and I kept masturbating... my voice hitching now and again. Finally, I stopped and approached him, talking about the piercing still I told him to show me his dick. I giggled and grabbed some of the remnants of his foreskin gently between two fingers "right there" I said and he pulled away with a shudder.

I started to walk away when something occurred to me. "Show me your dick," I said. I stood over him. "No!" He said, shuddering again at the idea of what I might demonstrate on his tender cock THIS time. "Oh, SHOW it to me," I said again. Finally he bared it, halfway hard. I gave it a once over and smiled, walking away. "Guess you like the idea of the piercing." And then I stopped again, "or maybe you liked watching me masturbate." He looked vaguely sheepish "it wasn't awful" he admitted.

Sans Pr0n

I once again masturbated without porn last night. It was really interesting, as always. I had no idea how much of my attention gets taken up by the porn rather than by what I'm physically doing. Now, that certainly has its place, don't get me wrong. Without the strong distraction of porn I probably wouldn't have been able to have my very first orgasm (or many of the subsequent ones) however over time it's become a huge crutch.

I think I'm somewhere around a week and a half without porn, now. And what I'm discovering is that while, yes my life is somewhat abnormally sexually charged lately, I'm having an abnormally strong reaction. Namely, I spend a lot of my days wet and excited. I masturbate less frequently because it's now harder for me to have an orgasm... but I WANT to masturbate all the time. So I masturbate for a while, enjoy the sensations and see "eh, just not enough right now" and give up. Later in the day or even the next day I'll get back to it now fully charged, wet, and ready to cum.

Last night's orgasm was a perfect example of what's been happening. I came home after seeing Nils at work. He was the last person I saw before I got home in fact. Once home, I immediately sat down and began using my dildo. I played with myself for a good ten minutes before deciding as horny and incredibly excited I was... I just wasn't ready to cum.

Very, very late last night I decided to finish the job. I fucked myself thoroughly with the dildo and got to enjoy these amazing like "miniorgasms" just from that sensation. It's those kinds of feelings that for a moment make my body stop and shudder just a little. Not that incredible be-all-end-all of a clitoral orgasm... but nothing to complain about either. That happened twice and I wondered briefly if those ARE considered orgasms and maybe I SHOULD count them because they're really quite nice. In fact, looking back if that particular sensation were to be considered an orgasm... I'd have to say that night I had sex with DJ I had an orgasm as soon as he was inside me.

This was all brought up after reading Annie Sprinkle's essay on orgasms. Most of what she writes is a little too metaphysical and a bit of it is... I'm going to say poorly worded (and look who that's coming from, right?) but it definitely made me think which is a good thing.

Anyway, so there I was masturbating and I could feel the sexual flush moving up my body, I could feel my neck getting warm... I could feel the dildo rubbing perfectly against the opening of my pussy. Every movement was getting me closer and closer... and I could feel it building until I could feel that I was on the VERY verge of cumming... maybe 3 seconds before... and then I was there... and it was great.

Afterward I sat quietly for a minute letting my body settle before heading up to bed and a very restful sleep.

Losing the porn, much as I still crave it for the "quick and easy" part of cumming has been an impressive way to get my body in touch with what it's feeling when I'm getting there. I like REALLY feeling the sensations my body produces as it only serves to heighten the entire experience. And frankly, being wet and excited most of the time is really fucking great.

Eek

I got a message from Ving today saying "okay, I'll stop. Good morning." Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. So I wrote back and said "maybe you shouldn't stop...." because how disappointing is that?

Meanwhile, for some unknown reason my traps hurt. A LOT. A lot a lot. Like I slept wrong. Except it's not from sleeping wrong. It's muscular pain. It's very odd. I hardly worked out yesterday and certainly nothing that should cause THIS. But whatever. I'm trying to convince myself it's a good thing....

Also, just a few minutes ago I was #69 on Cunning Linguist Journals which I thought was funny. The site doesn't give me that much traffic... mostly because I'm there stuck in the middle with the masses. I'm really not sure why. For some reason I envision myself as being a lot more funny and interesting than I actually am, apparently.... However... 69. Yeah, baby.

A blast from the past.

I heard from Ving. Who's Ving, you ask? Why... I wrote about him a long time ago. He's a super, duper hot guy. Super. He's hot like... the kind of guy I'd never even normally have the courage to open my mouth in front of. That kind of hot. Like, one day he came in dressed to the nines and he literally stole my breath. I'd never experienced that before. If he is NOT the most beautiful man I ever met, he's a close second. He's lovely.

Ving was an object of much flirtation when I worked with him. The women couldn't help but be drawn to him because he's super hot. In fact, I couldn't help myself from hanging all over him and putting my hands on him as much as possible, though I was his boss. Older than myself by maybe a decade, he's the sort of man who has it together enough that I felt comfortable telling him that if anything ever made him uncomfortable I'd put an immediate stop to it. But he was simply incapable of being offended. In fact, I showed him my nipple piercing shortly after I had it done. This was about the same time he showed my his scar from where he'd had his tongue pierced.

So we've vaguely stayed in touch over the last year and a half or so. Very vaguely. So when I had my tongue pierced I sent him an e-mail to let him know I'd had it done. The rest is... well... I don't know what it is...

Talking about my tongue myself in italics him in bold:

Happy Thanksgiving to you, too. I eat just fine, especially when I put the retainer in. I never chomp down on that thing. Love it love it love. Wanna try it out?!?

you know better , you're married hahahahahaha

Heh. Open marriage, baby. I don't know anything better than that. lol


Open Marriage GET OUT :~O WOW I couldn't share you if we were married

Oh please, you'd be sick of me after the first week! Oh, yeah, but it's totally true. I'm terribly slutty. I showed you my nipple, didn't I? Best part is that here I am free to do whatever with whomever and then there's [a mutual friend]... who's NOT free to do hardly anything... and who's the bigger flirt? Yeah, her. Doesn't that figure?

WOW your serious, holy cow, I would never get sick of you, I could understand never having enough of you, I think you would get tired of me first.

I am serious. I'm pleased that you never would have guessed, though. Cuz that's the kinda girl I am. Dirty on the INSIDE. lol Also, you're beautiful and I doubt I'd get tired of you. Unless you're really bad in bed. lol But since I sincerely doubt I'll ever know the truth of that I'm going to assume you're excellent. Because it's so much more amusing that way.

if your down this way please give me a call, XXX-XXX-XXXX that's my work # and my cell is XXX-XXX-XXXX maybe we can get something to eat, I'm still here with my mouth open :~O i cant believe you hubby would deal with that, ahhhhhhhhh , yeah you did a good job covering it up I'll give you that.

I will call you if I get any free time while I'm there.

Hey, he's free to sleep around, too. Thank you very much. Anyway, I think he "deals" with it because otherwise I'd drop his ass since he only wants to have sex like twice a year. Screw that noise, I need to get laid!

And I'm glad I was able to cover up. Really. But c'mon... I showed you my BREAST you musta thought SOMETHING was up with that...

that's crazy, I'm looking twice a day, man that's why I'm in the weight room 5 to 6 days a week, and even when I'm not there I'm teaching (a sport) so I'm in the gym 6 days a week, and on your breast I'm just happy I didn't drool on it. you may've ask me to lick it off and it would have been on.

Ah, Ving, you're far too good for me. lol I couldn't possibly get naked in front of you. Just couldn't do it. However, they're much better now that they're healed. And my tongue... it's doing quite well, too!

Now stop flirting with me because you're getting my hopes up and that's just not nice.

really, that's o.k. I'll undress you and if you wont to stand or lay that's cool I'll do all the work. I can run my tongue up and down your body, if that' doesn't work, ahhhhh o.k. I'wont say anymore sorry LOL

Seriously. That's really mean. Really really really mean. I mean, just in general... but specifically in this case extremely very much really mean.

Don't think I can't find out where you live.

I'll give you the address if you like, and I like being mean and you like it also

Yeah, okay I like it a little. Although I don't really BELIEVE you which makes it somewhat easier to deal with. It's like "yeah, easy to say from over there." Of course, if you said it in person I'd probably be twice as lost as you thought you were when you found out about the open marriage thing. Although it strikes me as something you'd say just to get that reaction. Because you're "like that." And also a huge flirt.

123 Street Ct. Direction
Village, State is my address [and yes he really did put his address]
no it's not the way you react , it's the way you act when the time come.


Can we say holy fucking shit? Did I mention this is honestly the HOTTEST man EVER? I mean, can I take it any other way than "he means it"? Because seriously. He's hot. Like really hot. And I'm like.. not EVEN at THAT level. We're talking he's model material (I kid you not). So... I'm stumped. And floored. And just utterly lost.

Hey! Go away!

So these two guys come in. It's always ONE of two guys with me, isn't it? Of course, it's the weird looking one. He was okay looking but was wearing a football jersey tucked into too-tight jeans which lent him a very strange apple-on-sticks appearance which didn't appeal to me. He sees me and I can tell by the look in his eye that he's going to try to flirt with me. Ineptly. "Hey, beautiful eyes," he says. I smile at him tightly, unwilling to be rude but not encouraging him. I cannot wait until he leaves.

He wanders the store, I can see him covertly glancing over to see if I'm looking. He's trying to model himself for me. Trying to catch me looking. I keep my eyes resolutely glued anywhere but him and wish to fucking god he'd stop bringing merchandise up to the counter one... item... at... a... time... so I have to wait assuming his next trip will be his last.

Eventually he goes through my line and is gone. And I breathe a sigh of relief.

Hours later he walks in again, "hey, boo, I'm back" he says. I smile tightly again, "I noticed." Luckily this time I'm not alone and he behaves himself, though his eyes still have that unnatural brightness of someone holding himself back....

The best of...

I was thinking. I'm tired. But horny. I want someone to lavish me with attention. To make me cum. And then let me drift off into a truly relaxed, untroubled sleep.

I crave the way the ex used to play with my nipples. Having never thought of them as being sensitive he could make me writhe. And that was BEFORE the piercings. I wonder what he'd be able to do with them now. He was tireless in playing with them, sensitizing them with his attention so his every soft caress made me moan.

I crave the way Martin could eat pussy. His attention was enough to start me well on my way of getting there. If he could do it for hours it wouldn't be enough. He, too, was all but tireless and I absolutely crave his mouth.

I crave the way DJ fingered me, ever single movement of his fingers inside me hitting my g-spot just right. I crave that sobbing, hard, mind numbing orgasm he gave me. It was amazing. And oft thought of, but never attempted again.

I crave the way husband fucks me doggy style, his cock thrusting inside me with that familiar rhythm that inevitable takes me over the edge and makes me want more....

And I crave the way Martin pounded my body leaving me sore the next day in the most amazingly wonderful way. I was satisfied, happy, and could feel inside me exactly WHY....

I crave these things. And I get none today.

The experiment.

I'm experimenting with avoiding porn altogether. Just to see what happens. Without masturbating at all for almost the last week I got to the point where I simply couldn't NOT masturbate. I had to cum. I woke up this morning horny and touched me self a little but could't quite get there. So I gave up and got up to start my day.

The day went by mostly normally. But by the end of it I was desperate to cum. I considered begging husband for the chance to suck his cock just to do SOMETHING sexual but decided I'd end up more pissed off if I did that than if I just got on with my life.

Around that time I couldn't resist taking his finger into my mouth and sucking on it, cock-like for a few seconds before giving him a sly sideways smile and going back to the computer. As bedtime came, I followed him up to the bedroom and once he was in bed pulled the blankets down just above his pubic hair and began running my tongue over that area letting it dart down just below the cover. I smiled as I did it and waited for some kind of reaction. I got none. I didn't bother to touch his cock because it didn't matter if it was hard or soft. He wasn't responding mentally and that's what I crave. He didn't touch me. Nothing.

I kissed him goodnight and headed downstairs. In front of the computer I found myself looking for porn but I managed to control myself and just start masturbating. I ended up talking to MP online and he told me to wait so he could watch me on cam when he got home. I agreed and impatiently kept my body at a dull roar.

By the time he got home, my inner labial lips were turning purple, the rest of my pussy a dark, dark red. I'd taken myself to the very very edge of cumming so many times I almost couldn't stand it. Maybe five minutes later I came. Hard. My entire body was hot and had a light sweaty sheen. Every inch of me was involved in that orgasm. It was fucking awesome.

If giving up porn and it's copious orgasms leads to THAT kind of orgasm... that mind numbing, body humming pleasure... I'm never watching porn again.

I'm thrilled. Absolutely thrilled.

I... swallow?

I was thinking about my last time with Martin. It happens. Because I've been reflective positively upon the experience. Much as I'm disappointed not to have that option open to me anymore I'm not particularly angry to see it gone. Disappointed still, yes... but not angry.

But I was thinking about the fact that Martin is, in fact, the first man I've ever slept with whom I didn't first meet on the internet. That I lusted after him for so long and it was only the more direct approach that got me exactly where I wanted to be. He treated me extremely well... and while the passion wasn't all I'd hoped for.. the sex really was pretty fucking awesome and the affection I found there was exactly what I needed.

I really haven't had a lot of sex since the incident with Frank at the beginning of the year where he hurt me and broke my trust. Sleeping with Martin helped me get back a lot of my confidence. In a lot of ways. Not just in being able to give my trust, but in being able to get naked with someone and really enjoy their body and their touch.

Sleeping with Martin was great. And that it ended so quickly hurts because I saw a long and very... interesting future for us when it came to sex. However, I appreciate the gifts he was able to give me and honor him for that. He gave me back my sexuality in a way that, perhaps, no one else could.

Looking back I was thinking about the fact that I eagerly swallowed his load. The cum that I worked for and earned. SOmething I haven't done in years. Something I delighted in doing with him. Because this is a man I wanted to have as part of me. Yesterday I was briefly angry that I swallowed with him, that I let even that little bit of him enter my body and surely be used by my body as nourishment... maybe to help build a cell or two... because he left me. But looking back now with a little more clarity... I'm glad. It was my gift to him... and to myself. To make Martin a permanent part of me in that small way. I don't think I'll ever swallow for just anybody... but I'm damned glad it happened this time. Because it was right.

And because I'm better off having taken him to my bed.

Yesterday, the good.

So, I think I mentioned I got my hair cut. Husband commented on it but then he knew what I was going off to do. No one else commented on it. Not one single person. Not one. Except Wade.

Wade came into the store, his eyes bloodshot and red rimmed. God knows that man must never sleep and I'm curious about the story on that. However, he came in and I smiled at him knowing the effect my attention has on him. He smiled back and stopped, "You look nice today." I smiled broader "of course I do," I said, "I just got my hair cut for the first time in like years." He nodded, "I noticed!"
It makes it clear, THIS is a man who notices me. And that's really fucking hot.

So we chatted a little and I found out he had no plans for Thanksgiving and I felt really bad because how much did I long to invite him over but couldn't deal with the idea of husband and him in the same house. Besides, much as I find Wade to be kind of... interesting... we don't really know one another socially so much so it'd be an awkward way to start, if you ask me.

Wade left and a few hours later returned. I smiled at him again and said something like "you're back!" He smiled and looked at some merchandise idly "yes, I came back to see you. That's why I come here. And you're getting to be very expensive." I laughed at that, "GETTING to be? I AM expensive," I grinned.

We didn't have much more conversation after that. However, it pleased me to no end that he came back. And that he said that. Because compliments will get him everywhere. Well, maybe not. But it does endear him to me.

Thoughts

I can't help but think the fact that I was sleeping with Martin (and therefore making him perhaps a little less needy toward his girlfriend) might be part of the reason his girlfriend finally got off her ass and like... left her husband (or whatever it was that she did). Because you know... it would just be so fucking typical for something like that to happen.

I'm not really terribly upset about it right now. I mourned a bit and now I'm like "okay, Nils... your time has come...." Like... why should I wait? Why not find a way to come out and at least let him know how fucking hot I think he is? I'm seriously considering wearing some tongue ring with a not so subtle message that I can show off to JUST HIM to get my point across privately....

Must... think....

Today IS tomorrow.

I was supposed to spend the better part of the evening with Martin. Instead that was cut short by a text message letting me know that things had changed in his girlfriend's relationship. Apparently she's leaving her husband like... now... or something... which means he's got to be exclusive since she'll be leaving her husband for HIM. So fuck.

I'm really disappointed and actually incredibly surprised. She's tormented him for years and he certainly deserves better. Not that *I* am better. But fuck. Whatever. I understand and am glad I managed NOT to fall in love with him. My disappointment is certainly palpable.

So the menu tonight has changed from dinner and sex to dinner and drunkenness. I'm not fucking around here, yo. I'm getting smashed tonight. Because otherwise I might cry.

Today.

Nothing really exciting to report. The vast majority of the men I lust after were nowhere to be found. Mores the pity if you ask me. Nils, however, did show up. I was coming back from lunch when he appeared and I thought "oh... must... not... look" so I kept my head down the entire time and only after he went through my co-worker's line did I happen to look up and see him and say "HI! How are you!" sounding MUCH too perky. I'm SUCH a dork.

I wore my hair down today. And it looked like ass. But I couldn't find a single god damned hair-thing to pull it back with so I sucked it up and wore it down. And then went tonight to get my hair cut.

I'm trying out the Jonathan Product line and so far I'm not as impressed as I'd hoped. Dirt appears to be amazing stuff... but the shampoo/conditioner appears to be drying my hair out to no end. But that's my own fault for it being so overprocessed, maybe. I'm going to see what its like if I don't wash my hair every single day, anymore. Generally that's an awful idea but... well... we'll see.

Tomorrow I'll be off to see Martin for the evening. We'll have dinner and sex but obviously I won't spend the night because we both have things to do the next day. Not sure how late I'll stay. I told myself no later than eleven. So we'll see. Maybe I'll come back with a good story. Maybe.

Mens.

I really like me some mens. Everyone showed up today. Everyone. It was really odd. And all at once, too.

Nils walked in. And I just completely lost my ability to be NORMAL. I want this man. And every inch of my body knows it and is more than happy to broadcast that fact to him. And he so totally knows it. And he delights in making me squirm. He came in today without a hat, without his sunglasses... just him in his uniform and a heavy leather coat. I could barely tell he was in uniform because of the trench style of the jacket... and it was so fucking HOT. I thought "yes, THIS is what he wears... it's so HIM." And then I proceeded to make a fool out of myself while he smiled, amusedly at me.

Wade came in around the same time and I was in such a good mood I flirted with him hard. Why not?

MP showed up not once but TWICE (the second time was obviously for the chance to see me) and I flirted with him, too. I even found myself looking him over once when I knew I shouldn't. I don't think he caught that, though.

Cade showed up around the same time my husband did. Cade wants me and I know it and I just wish he's like... come out with it so I could like... DO something about it. But instead he just kind of stares at me with that hopeful smile and asks when I'll work next. But it's nice to have a guy have that kind of crush on me. I'll take it. For now.

However, knowing husband is getting out of the military next year and we'll be moving cross country where I'll have to start all of this over... well... it makes me less patient with the flirting....

I'm not in love... no no...

just because.

It's very odd. A few weeks ago Martin and I had a talk about what would happen if he and I had sex. It would almost definately bring up some emtions neither of might really want to explore given our situations. We were talking about the L word.

Cut to more recently. Martin told me "well, you know I really care about you." Of course I care about him to. I thought nothing of it, though, knowing that we have this line in the sand.... So Friday he told me "Well, you know I love you" and then he paused for a second and added "a little bit." I didn't know what to say.

Because you see, I'm not in love with Martin. I feel friendship and affection... I feel love for him... but I'm not in love with him. There's no romantic spark in me there. And I worry that maybe he's in a different place than I am. Already.

I feel like I owe it to him to be in love with him, too. As if it's unfair of me to have that line... but it's there. And I can't cross it. Not intentionally. I don't think it's like that, so much. I can gear myself to step away from it... or I can aim myself to step toward it... but I just can't MAKE myself move from where I am, now. And I'm not sure what I want in that regard.

And so it goes.

Beautiful Night.

Friday I was horny. I'd had enough of waiting for Martin to invite me over so I sent him a message saying he kind of needed to invite me over but I was really tired of inviting myself and he needed to do it. He told me I could come over sometime this weekend and eventually we arrived to the conclusion that I really wanted to see him THAT night. I showered and shaved and told him he needed to ask me over. So he did. But I wasn't satisfied. "Beg," I told him. And he did adding "I need you." I've mentioned how very fucking much I adore the word "need." So of course I left to go to him.

Eventually I got to his house and things went as planned. We snuggled and made out on the couch a bit with me sprawled randomly across him. We talked for a long while and finally decided we would take a few minutes and I would look into his music collection. He kind of pushed me away so he could get up, but I still sat on the couch, waiting for him to lead the way. He took a step then turned back around, to take my hand. And then he pushed me back on the couch and he was on top of me which was when things got really hot. He pressed himself between my legs and dry humped as we made out, his fingers finding my nipples as mine found his. I could feel myself getting wetter by the minute and giggled into his mouth that, in fact, I was "extremely wet all of a sudden."

Within five minutes we were naked. I thought we'd fuck on the couch but he stood up and we moved to the bedroom. He was leading me but I couldn't resist and began kissing him again. He continued to move us toward the bed where I would have stayed where we were and found SOME way to finish things there. As it was I sat down on the bed, him in front of me. While I'm sure he was expecting me to move back on the bed, my eyes were drawn to his cock and I knew I had to taste it. So I slid off the edge of the bed and took him into my mouth.

Much as I expected his cock to irritate my tongue piercing, it didn't. Having him in my mouth was amazing and perfect. I was able to be as free with my tongue and lips and movements as I normally am without fear of pain. I think it took less than two minutes to make him cum. His cock was in my mouth and he said "you're going to make me cum" and I thought "yes" even as I kept working it. I could have pulled away... I could have prolonged it... but I was dying to make him cum that way. And he did. I could feel his balls tighten and his cock pulse between my lips as he came. I held him deep in my throat, making sure the cum bypassed most of my tongue. And there, I swallowed his load. A bit might have dripped out (or maybe it was a touch of drool), but that was quickly remedied. I got a glass of water to wash out my mouth and lay down on the bed with him where he was now relaxed and happy.

I smiled at him hugely and snuggled close as he kissed me tenderly. Finally he asked "what're you smiling for?" and I laughed softly, "I'm happy. Because you see... that was MY orgasm. I DID that. By myself. It belongs to ME. I guess you could say I'm smug." Then I kissed him again. I love making men cum and I love being the sole instrument of that, letting them be the passive player as I bring them off. It's fucking HOT.

We snuggled for a long time before Martin was ready to move, but I didn't mind. It was late, I was tired and... well... he's Martin. He did move, eventually, and went down on me, as he does. I wanted to tell him not to... but he's really good at it and I sooooooooo much appreciate the effort he puts into it. He found this THING that he does which made me moan and arch against his mouth. It was fucking awesome. I could feel my body warming up and I thought "fuck, I need to cum" because it was so fucking hot... but of course I didn't. And by the time we'd gotten to that point his mouth was obviously starting to get tired. So I finally told him "... don't wear yourself out down there." and he stopped a bit after that. Which was actually somewhat disappointing... but I discovered that having him down there when his mouth is clearly tired... not really sexy.

So he moved into what is now a familiar position and began fingering me and talking. It was a bit like having phone sex and I always find when a guy starts that in bed I have to try and tune them out. Except I was curious what he was saying because it's sort of a window into their fantasies so I was dividing myself between concentrating on cuming and listening to what he was saying. The orgasm came much quicker this time as I was more relaxed and already on my way there anyway.

After I came, Martin slid his cock back inside me and fucked me for a while. Eventually, we moved into what is apparently both Martin and my favorite position (and interestingly Husband's too). With him kneeling behind me and myself on my knees he thrust his cock against my gspot making me moan with each thrust. I squeezed my muscles around him and moved back against him. Every time he'd slow down I took over, making sure to continue my stimulation and his. "I keep stopping because you're going to make me cum again," he muttered even as I kept moving. I smiled privately and said "good."

It wasn't long before he made good on his promise and he came, hard. He stayed inside me for a minute after that before finally standing up and letting me stretch out on the bed. He went off to wash, or something, and returned to snuggle with me for a while longer. We stayed up for a bit after that and eventually did check his music collection... but by then I was so tired I was in a bit of a stupor. We went to bed and snuggled through the night.

When we woke up, he took me again. We didn't have much time and I didn't cum... so he sent me to work wet and wanting. But I was amazingly calm and relaxed and spent the better part of the day with a huge fucking smile on my face.

Awkward

So today I opened the store much too early. Two men were standing at the door waiting to be let in and I thought "well, I was going to open early ANYWAY." So I let them in. The thing is, there was nothing about these two men that made me WANT to open the door early other than that they were THERE. And it ended up being a mistake. I could tell as soon as I walked up to the door that older man was attracted to me. I ignored it pointedly and let them in and tried to be pleasant. As I rang the man up, he stared at me in a way that was less than creepy but annoying none the less. And he told his friend, "Hurry up so the pretty lady can ring you up!" I snorted at that, not trying to seem even vaguely attractive and actively denying his compliment at the same time. He continued to irritate me by being indecisive and being about two dollars short which led to much annoyance on my part eventually ending me having to void the transaction and re-ring everything. They left.

Several hours later I was working and another, younger, man came in. He wandered the store for several minutes and eventually walked up to the counter, leaned on it, his chin on his hand and stared at me. Having seen him approaching I was waiting at the register to help him. "...can I help you?" I asked, seeing no merchandise. He smiled at me, not moving or speaking. I blinked at him, not quite sure what to think. "MAY I help YOU?" I asked again, louder. And he winked at me. I could feel my pulse racing, my adrenaline pumping. Whatever was going on with him was not going to be good. "...do you need help?" I finally asked, ready to smack him. He laughed and stood up straight giving me his merchandise and saying something inane and normal. "Just teasing," he said. I continued to feel like smacking him. I ended up messing up counting his money (which I KNEW I did and corrected the mistake before he knew) but said "you might want to recount that" as I handed him his change. "It was the wink, right? It distracted you," he offered, thinking himself funny. I gave him a sharp look, "I'm NOT sure distracted is the right word." He ended up asking me some innocuous question (which was phrased badly and, once again, made me uncomfortable) and we had a conversation about that. When he left he was acting normal.

The worst part about it was that I'd been working 7 hours straight at that point without a break and was extremely hungry, and tired. With my adrenaline up, after he left and my body went back to "normal" mode I felt even worse because my blood sugar dropped dramatically. I thought for sure I was going to get a headache but ended up just feeling depressed and gross. Lunch about twenty minutes later fixed everything.

As I sat there, though, feeling like shit I couldn't help but ask myself why I even WANTED to be attractive to men in the first place. I don't like receiving that kind of creepy attention and really have no idea how to deal with it. I went home and posed this question to husband and he responded that I was getting the attention whether I thought I was attractive or not so why not be attractive and get a job where I'd be in a position to tell them to fuck off.

Indeed.

Mmm. Food.

I gave in this morning and e-mailed Martin asking him why he was making me look pathetic by being the last one to e-mail him... and then e-mailing him AGAIN. To which he replied he thought he was waiting on an e-mail from me. Right. Not that I'm calling him a liar. Just a bit... incorrect, let's say.

Anyway, he is going to that gathering at the friend's house... and therefore I am not. I did, however, agree to drop husband off at Martin's house. I'm not sure if I'll be expected to pick him up or not, yet, but I'll have the chance to see Martin and that's what matters. Martin, however, has put forth the theory that the reason I am not attending the "party" is that I am trying to get rid of Husband for the evening... and going over to drop husband at Martin's house affords me the opportunity to get fast food which is only available near Martin's house. Not an entirely untrue speculation, I admit.

Martin then went on to ask, in the e-mail, if he needed to invite me over for that fast food sandwich again because "I could use it very much!" Figuring he wasn't, in fact, referring to the food in question I replied "I'm always in the market for sandwiches. Whether it's on a whim which has to be eaten quickly or I have time to sit back and take my time, sandwiches are a good thing. Unless I have to work early in the morning at which point NOTHING is a good thing and I just have to go to bed early. That sucks, But yeah... I'm pretty much up for sandwiches whenever you care to suggest it. Especially since the sandwiches there are so big, and yummy, and available just exactly how I like it."

I'm guessing I wasn't TOO subtle for him to figure out I'm available for bootycalls so long as I don't have to work early.

So maybe... just maybe... I'll get to see Martin recreationally this weekend afterall. That's one of those things I like about Martin... ask and ye shall receive. More on that later, I assure you.

Sometimes...

sometimes... with some of them... as I hand them their change our flesh meets. My fingers might skim their palm or brush across the pads of theirs. And I can feel them. Some men have soft hands, some rough and dry, some calloused. And I momentarily imagine their fingers sliding over my body. I wonder if they notice the contact. I wonder if it gives them the same secret thoughts it gives me.

And then I go back to wondering what their hands would feel like on my skin.

Saturday

I'll be dropping husband off at Martin's at which point Martin and Husband will be going to another friend's house. I was somewhat invited but the fact that I was more of an afterthought... if even that, offended me. Fuck it. I can handle a night by myself. Although, I admit I'd much rather spend the night with Martin. The drawback being that the friend who's house they're going to must know nothing of the fact that I've slept with Martin. And I'm just not sure I'd be able to be that subtle.

So I'm mentally schemeing ways to spend at least a few minutes alone with Martin. But since he hasn't e-mailed me, I guess that's a bit of a pipe dream.

Fuck it all anyway. That's all I'm saying.

I should be in bed but...

I was thinking. Of course I was. And you can guess who I was thinking of.

He lay back on the bed having wrapped his fingers around his cock he was quietly masturbating, knowing I was watching. Knowing I couldn't resist. I flicked my tongue over his nipple which got a positive response. My hand moved down to cup his balls, feeling them warm and pliable in my hand.

"It's really too bad I can't use my mouth yet," I sighed, moving my body down closer to his cock. As my head got closer his hand worked a little more furiously. Finally, with my mouth hovering over him he stopped, letting his hand fall away. I smiled and kissed his cock. My lips began to trail over it, squeezing and slipping up and down the length, not taking him inside. He groaned. "It really is too bad. You have no idea..." I stopped to kiss the tip of his cock "...how hard it is not to take you into my mouth right now..." I let the very tip of my tongue slide out to lick the length of his cock "...I want to... so bad...." He groaned again, his hand clenching on the bed next to me.

I smiled and got up, "hold that thought" I said. I walked into the next room and returned, my hair pulled back and moved back to lavish my attention on his cock. I gazed up at him momentarily before moving down to kiss and hesitantly lick his cock, "You smell like pussy," I told him with a smile he couldn't see. It was so fucking sexy being able to smell myself on him. I inhaled deeply and finally took the plunge, hoping to god I wouldn't suffer.

I opened my mouth and carefully took him inside. His cock slid against my tongue rubbing across the barbell as much as I'd let it. He gasped. I strained my eyes upward to watch his reaction as I sucked him deeper into my mouth. I rubbed my tongue on the shaft before letting him slide back out. I considered for a moment more and then drew him back inside, being somewhat less careful. His reaction was amazing. As I worked on his cock, I remained gentle and careful making sure my tongue wouldn't be harmed... but I couldn't contain myself from rubbing the stud along the ridge of his cock... where the piercing got caught and tugged just a but too much for my tongue... but he liked it. He reached up over his head, grabbing the bed with both hands, his body arching slightly into my mouth. His sounds were of sexual surrender.

I played with him for several minutes until I was sure I had to stop for my own health. It saddened me not to be able to devote myself to worshipping his cock. He looked vaguely dazed as I moved away, apologetic. "I'll do better next time," I promised, "I'm really much better than that... it's just... my tongue" I sighed. He pulled me close to kiss me, his hand moving back down to his cock. "It's just so wonderful to have someone who WANTS to be there..." he said.

If only he knew how much I still want to be there.

Small Chance

There's a small chance I COULD actually see Martin this weekend. But not naked. With husband and another friend who needs to remain clueless. I actually told husband I don't want to go (and really... I don't) and that I'd happily drop husband off at Martin's house if he goes. If Martin chooses not to attend I guess I'm kind of stuck. Therefore... if Martin's going... I'm not... if he's not... I will. Yeah, sounds like I'm avoiding him. Has nothing to do with him really, but rather my lack of desire to attend the function.

Other than that... boring. No masturbation today and I have to get up early tomorrow. Suck.

Ah, better.

I managed to masturbate without the benefit of porn last night. It was tough, but not as tough as the morning session would have been. The orgasm... less than stunning. But nothing to complain about. Of course, the entire time I was flicking through mental images of porn... and of course imagining having sex with Martin.

Martin hasn't e-mailed me since like... two days ago. It's not really abnormal from him and I fully expected it... except I didn't fully expect it. Not fully. I'm pretty much just disappointed because... well... I want him. Often. I have to assume I won't be seeing him this weekend... or probably next, either (because of the holiday). He is someone I've got to get off my mind. And probably never should have slept with because I KNEW this was going to be a problem. Dammit.

I put in my tongue retainer last night to see what it looked and felt like. First off, my piercing is all but completely healed. I'm sure the surface inside my tongue is still very tender and new but it doesn't hurt at all. Sliding the new barbells into the hole is a really unique experience and kind of creepy. I left the barbells out for a minute so I could talk and feel what that was like... and that's really weird too. Having tried that, I put the retainer in and basically it feels the same. I'm hopeful I'll be able to spend many of my days with the retainer in and be, essentially, under the piercing radar. And able to talk and eat like normal. Not that either is too much of a problem anymore... but....

In fact, I've decided I really love my piercing. It keeps me amused for hours on end and of course it has a wonderful application. I couldn't really ask for more.

Ashamed.

Husband and I had a long-ish talk. I made him pay attention to me and I tried not to be confrontational. I don't think he ever really hears me when I talk, though.

He did tell me that he doesn't think a day goes by when he doesn't cry about his dad. I had no idea. This is how closed off from me he is. So sex? Yeah, probably the last thing on his mind when it comes to me. He can't even tell me he's hurting.

On an unrelated note, I'm trying to do the no-porn-for-a-month thing but have already broken down once on the first full day because I wanted to cum but couldn't quite get there and... well... yeah, that's the whole point isn't it? I'm marginally ashamed. But it felt pretty good.

Hey, at least I worked out....

Welcome to the suck....

I knelt before him in the shower, the water hitting him in the back, the mist curling around his body to wet my own. I leaned forward and took him into my mouth, slowly, gingerly. He was barely hard, his brain knowing what I was about to do causing his body to react. As I wrapped my lips around him, my tongue tasting his skin I felt him hardening in my mouth. He let out a breathy moan, encouragement.

I leaned closer, taking more of him into my mouth as more of him was available. I rubbed my tongue (and the stud in it) over his cock listening to his breathing. My hand came up to cup his balls and jerk his cock into my mouth. I could taste him leaking his fluid, readying himself for orgasm.

I sucked him longer, harder. My mouth getting a little sore, wanting to feel him cum. I rubbed his cock over my face, enjoying the sensation, hoping he'd cum on me when he was ready.

Instead he punched the wall. I jumped a little. "Frustrated?" I asked, confused. "Yeah," he responded grimly. I rubbed my pussy idly "I'm really wet right now."

I returned to my administations, still enjoying the feel and taste of his cock. While it's not something I'm capable of doing all day... I certainly wish it was. Finally, he sighed, "I'm just not there," he said, "I'm going to the bedroom, hurry up, okay?" I nodded and took a quick shower before joining him in the bedroom, our bodies still damp. His cock was still hard, starting to turn a little purple.

He lay down in front of me and I knelt over him, taking his cock back into my mouth, fingers teasing his balls again. I worked hard to help him to cum but finally... my arm was tired. My tongue sore from the fresh piercing. "You'll have to help," I finally said, "I'm sorry." He took his cock eagerly in hand and began to masturbate. I leaned in, watching him, enjoying the tension in his face and the increasing tightness of his balls. I let my tongue lick up and along the tip, careful not to interfere.. or become an accidental casualty.

Finally, he came. It was a good one. Not great, perhaps more of a relief than pleasure. I tossed him my towel so he can clean up. And then he began getting dressed, "I'm going downstairs," he said. I don't remember if he even looked at me. And then he's gone.

And I lay there, inexplicably shocked at the lack of offers to help me achieve my own release. But I shouldn't be surprised, isn't that how Husband always is?

As I see it...

I was just wondering...

at what point do I get to say "I've done my time in this marriage?" Because it seems like I'm asking myself that question more and more as the years wear on.

I need...

to find something else to do with my life besides hunt for sex online. Because I'm really just not trying that hard. And it's kind of pathetic, you know?

Mystified.

I've read it a few times lately. "overly muscular." "Oh, I like my men with muscles so long as they're not OVERLY muscular." I can't believe there IS such a thing. I'm mystified. What IS this overly muscular? Because... seriously... I've never met a muscle I didn't like....

Woke

I woke up horny and wanting Martin. Of course I did. Because what else could I do? My next thought was of Nils. Of the way he looked at me the other day as I chewed my piercing nervously.

Nils wears sunglasses all the time and I've teased him about it before. There's something endlessly sexy about looking at him in his mirrored sunglasses, not really knowing if he's looking back... or where. It gives him an amazing upper hand there and it turns me on. But it's not something I can say (those sunglasses are fucking HOT) much as I'd love to. At least, not right now.

It made seeing him, having him look at me without the glasses so much more intense. He's a handsome, extremely masculine man and having him turn his dark eyes on me made me quiver a little. This is the kind of man who knows what he wants and how to get it.

My last thought was of MP. I'm not sure if MP has any idea how increasingly irritated with him I am. He's one of those men who asks about my "adventures" with other men. I told him a bit about my time with Martin at which point he becomes cocky. "Well, you haven't been with ME yet. Just give me ONE time." I laugh at him for thinking he's going to be the man who makes me cum. He won't be the first to claim the honor... and fail. I've pointed this out to him (more kindly) and he remains cocky. "Confident" he calls it. "Stupid," I think. It's not a lack of technique on ALL of the men's parts. It's inside me.

I consider Cade and what he might be. A real person. Your average joe. Probably hung like a horse but unsure of his technique. Rightfully so. Eager and loving, he would try to learn. But I've been a bad teacher up to this point.

And we return to Martin. I'm happy to tell him what I want... to a point. I told him I want his fingers inside me... hit my gspot... right there.... It's not quite right but how can I keep correcting him? How can I tell him "you KNOW how I like to be fucked now... use your HAND that way" without wanting to add "idiot." Of course, he's not. I know fingers can rock my world in a way most dicks don't. Sleeping with DJ last year confirmed that. Can I teach Martin to do that? Should I? Do I want to build my perfect lover only to lose him? Or should I just think of it as good practice for the next guy?

Pooooorn

I'm seriously considering giving up porn for a month. Just to see what happens. Not giving up masturbation, mind you. Just the porn. Maybe making it a prerequisite that I must masturbate to orgasm at least three times a week during this period of time. That's not a lot... but without porn... yeah... it is.

I'm just curious how much giving up ALL forms of porn (except those already buried in my head) will affect my sex life and ability to cum. Clearly achieving orgasm during sex has been very hard because I lack porn which I so regularly masturbate to. Maybe after a month's time I'll find it easier to cum without that extra help.

Or maybe I'm just crazy....

Sex is...

I think I'm surrounded by sex right now. I'm surrounding myself with it, rather. As can be told by my musical tastes right now. Lords of Acid- Rough Sex... Sophie B Hawkins- Damn, Wish I Was Your Lover... Black Crowes- Hard to Handle... Shoot, even Petey Pablo's Freek-A-Leek. Yeah, baby.

I need more sexy music....

Beautiful

I managed to engage husband in some sex play, namely by offering to gingerly suck his cock. Of course it remains too soon to play but... after having no problems from Martin I figured I might as well play with Husband, too. Things are a little sore now... I may have delayed the healing a bit... but it was well worth it.

I've been grabbing husband and kissing him whenever possible. Trying to find ways to touch him. Although I know he'll soon get annoyed and start pulling away... I'll take it where I can get it.

I looked in the mirror this evening. My period is over, I just had some incredible sex (and bonding) with someone I've wanted for a long time, I colored my hair (after arguing with myself which color to use), lost somewhere around 10 lbs in the last week (partially water weight, partially from having to only eat when I'm super hungry.. and then only enough to sate because it hurt to eat). I feel beautiful. My lips are red, my skin is clear, my eyes bright.

It's not often I feel beautiful, like someone anyone should look at twice. But today, I do.

The night.

First, we went out to eat. We were going to one restaurant but the line was amazing so we chose somewhere else... but that wait was worse so we went back to the first place and ended up talking for a while. Things were vaguely awkward but not too bad. I'm used to not having long conversations with him and of course what with the whole "sex" thing, now, things are different.

Martin and I ended up seeing Jarhead and spending the better part of the movie doing our best to distract one another. It's a rather long, somewhat boring movie in places (and odd at times, too) so the distraction made the movie much more interesting than it otherwise would have been. Not that I didn't like it. I just didn't love it.

Afterward we wandered out to the parking lot so we could decide what to do next. I didn't really eat much at the restaurant because it still takes me a long time to eat and after a while it starts to hurt a little. So, I gave Martin about half of the sandwich there. So, once again I was hungry. We agreed to meet at my favorite place near his house and headed out in separate vehicles. Until I realized I left my cell phone in the theater, so I found the first parking spot I could and ran to see if they had it. Someone turned it in, luckily, and I was home free. Until I realized that I had NO IDEA where I parked the car. I'd been so scared about the cell phone I hadn't paid much attention to where I'd parked in the very huge, very full parking lot.

Martin called to ask where I was and I had to tell him how stupid I was. It was really embarrassing. But so totally like me to do that kind of stupid shit. I can't just do one thing wrong. I have to compound the errors.

It took about ten minutes but I finally found the car and headed out. We got back to his apartment and ended up watching some HBO real sex show which wasn't very good. Mostly because we'd both seen all the segments. After we ate, Martin started kissing on me and eventually he took me into his bedroom.

We made love in his bed, and once again he went down on me delightfully. Halfway through, I warned him that I really wasn't going to cum that way and he could stop if he got tired... but he didn't stop. And it just felt so good. There were a few times in there that I thought "wow, you know... enough of that and I might...." but no. Not that night. Just the thought kind of made the feeling go away. I think I need distraction so my body can just FEEL. Or something. I don't get it.

Eventually he found his way inside me and rocked my world. And still I didn't cum.

I lay back, him inside and masturbated... and nothing. He used his fingers instead and I directed him to my gspot... and still nothing. I was getting really frustrated so I told him we ought to just wait on that for a bit and work on him. So, he slid back inside me and we tried a few positions... Including my favorite doggy style which makes me moan with each thrust. He took me hard in that position which was exactly what I needed.

Eventually, he moved back to being on top of me and that is how he came. I asked him to please cum on me because I liked it and he told me "gosh, no one's ever actually ASKED me to." I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, if he likes being asked or if he'd have preferred I was quiet about it. But he didn't say, so I'll continue for now.

Afterward we lay together, wrapped around one another, and talked for a long while. Eventually, he reached down and started touching himself and I watched for a bit before I finally moved down to tease him with my lips. "I really can't use my tongue" I told him, again. "I know," he said, breathily, "but your lips feel good." So I continued to lip him, letting the very tip of my tongue slip out to glide over his hard cock.

And then I did it. Because I couldn't help myself. Truly. I opened my mouth and took him inside slowly, carefully. And let my tongue stud slide down the shaft.. and back up to the head to tease around the crown. It got a reaction I can approve of. So I stay there for a while, moving slower and more deliberately than I usually do, so as not to hurt my tongue and evoking moans and clenching muscles from my chosen victim. I pulled my hair back to he could get a good view and watched him as I took him deep into my mouth, enjoying his reactions immensely.

Finally, I stopped and got some water because it was just starting to get too uncomfortable and I'm not willing to harm my tongue more than I already had by breaking the healing rules. I eventually helped him to cum again and then we cuddled for a few minutes before I told him I wanted to try, too. And to please put his fingers back inside me. He moved around and eventually sat between my legs, his free hand on my hip. When he moved it away to rest on the bed, I told him "I really like feeling your hand on me... it doesn't have to move if you don't want it to... but I like the feel of your hand...." and about two minutes later I came.

Laying there, with him next to me I was so relaxed and agreeable. He even commented on it. It feels so fucking good to cum and to have him be a part of that was wonderful. I'd have preferred to cum during the doggy style (because I love the during AND after feelings of being fucked that way) but I'm willing to settle. I've gotten past the first orgasm (a major relief) so hopefully the next time my body will be less coy about the whole thing and I'll gradually work up to being my old orgasmic self.

We talked for a long while after that and eventually I told him "look, are you going to kick me out or what?" and he said "yes" because he had to talk to his girlfriend on the phone (which I understood) so I got my stuff together and went home. I was worried that I was going to be sad because I have no idea when we'll see each other again... but in fact... I'm not. I'm comfortable with the way things are. At least for now. I'm not sure WHY... but that's okay.

I got my fantasy. I got my man. And I got my orgasm. It's hard to complain.

Idealism

So I'm giving a ton of thought to my time with Martin. He called last night and explained why he hadn't called sooner and why he wasn't able to take my call, all of which made sense to me as I knew it eventually would, though it was in a message rather than me getting the phone. I texted him back letting him know I was irritated but that I forgive him... and want him. So he texted me back telling me that he wanted me, too and all of that. Back and forth a few times before I finally called him and we talked for a few minutes.

After I got off the phone I lay back and considered what was going on. And I'm completely lost as to what to do with myself. Having high expectations tends to cause disappointment. Thinking something is PERFECT has the same effect. And yet I can't help but feel both.

I've persued this man for years. Literally. There have been months between seeing one another and yet everytime I would find myself dressing so as to best attract his attention. It was often through my insistance that the group of us have gone out together, just so I could see him again. Over and over. I've often been quiet and contemplative when he's around because I never quite know what to say. But now... we talk. A lot.

He says the sexiest things, too. Makes me feel desired. He touches me in amazing ways and I know if I tell him how much I enjoyed being pressed against the wall... the way he held me to him... he'll do it again. He'll do it BETTER. I'm just sure of it.

So here I have my fantasy of several years finally answered. A fantasy that I held in the back of my head... denying the possibility that it would be half as good as it IS... and it's BETTER? How am I supposed to handle that? How am I supposed to be realistic about what this relationship is going to BE?

I'm going to have to try really hard to stay in the moment.

Oh, life.

So, I had a tenative date set up with Martin for tonight. And he tenatively totally stood me up. Which totally sucked and hurt my feelings. But I figured he must have a good reason for it so I refused to be completely broken up about it. Until he ignored my call. But it got better.

It's funny because we've had more than one conversation about falling in love and emotions between us. I told him that unfortunately, my falling in love with him is a real possibility and I don't think I have control over that and it's not really something one can expect me to just like... can. So I laughed and told him that I do have the ability to distance myself, but only if he makes it a point to distance himself, too. "Ah, so all I have to do is treat you like shit!" And I said "perfect!"

And now this. Fucking hell. Did he have to listen?
(for the record he did eventually call with an excellent excuse and all is forgiven, as I knew it would be. However, frustration is frustration.)

Husband began to snore...

I stopped dead, “is he really asleep?” Martin nodded. I laughed quietly. “I gotta pee,” and slid away from him and the rapidly cooling embers of the fire. When I returned from the bathroom Martin was in the kitchen, husband still fast asleep in the living room. I stopped glancing toward husband’s sleeping form before moving into the kitchen. Martin was waiting. We found our way into one another’s arms and soon his mouth was moving over my skin. “I can’t... I mean... my mouth is off limits.” His voice was quiet and gentle “it’s okay... don’t worry about it...” Eventually, unable to resist our mouths did find another, our lips being the only part to meet.

I clung to him. Our breathing was heavy. Finally, he reached behind me, his hand coming to rest on the wall. And he pushed me back against it... oh... yes... exactly.... His body pressed mine urgently against the wall, his hips moving forward to pin mine... his hands blocking the escape I did not want. How many times have I fantasized about someone wanting me enough to throw me up against the wall and have his way with me? Of course, this wasn’t perfection... it was less violent, more constrained which I blame on my fresh piercing. But... fuck... the wall... him....

His hands explored me bodily, moving inside my shirt to finally, shyly, find my breasts. I pulled him against me, ducking my head to rest my forehead on his shoulder inhaling his scent and forcing myself not to put my tongue in his mouth. We writhed there against one another, hands exploring previously forbidden areas. Finally, he reached down and began to undo my pants. I let him, eager to have him feel the physical evidence of my arousal. His fingers found my pussy, wet and wanting. I moved down to caress his cock, giving the same pleasure I was getting. My pants gradually slid further down my hips, his fingers deeper inside...

We broke apart briefly and I took his hand, pulling him out of the kitchen to his back office. And nearly fell over, dizzy with tiredness and excitement, “I’ve got you,” he said, moving closer. Once inside the room I kicked the door mostly closed and pressed myself against him again. Our movements became more urgent, our clothes becoming more disarrayed. Finally, he led me over to his office chair. And proceeded to seduce me with his efficiency.

He sat me in the chair, dropping to his knees in front of me, one of his hands slipping under the seat to release the lever which keeps the chair up higher. I dropped down to his level, and then he pulled the chair closer. I smiled, impressed. And then he took off my pants. And his.

What followed was something just short of fucking and far more than foreplay. His tongue trailed down my body to my clit. He knows how I feel about oral sex... and he once again impressed me. This is a man who knows what to do with his tongue. I can see that he certainly has the potential of figuring out exactly what makes me tick and what’ll make me cum. I finally had to stop him as the sensations turned from good to “just too much” but he was in no danger of giving up. I was awed.

I tried to cum on my own but found myself just not... there. I couldn’t quite do it. Maybe it was the chair, maybe it was husband in the house, maybe it was too many hours of foreplay. Whatever it was it just wasn’t there and I was so frustrated. I helped Martin to cum and afterward we cleaned up, briskly, dressing. I could see that he was feeling a little weird. Whereas I was surprisingly calm and relaxed, though a bit frustrated with my lack of release.

I sat back down and he returned to his spot on his knees before me, his hands sliding around my body, head resting at my chest. At which point we ended up talking for hours. That’s the thing with him and I. We can talk. A lot. Overanalyze... all of it. So we talked and tried to get things straight between us. It’s hard to ask those questions that I don’t want to hear the answers to but I asked some of them anyway.

Afterward, I once again slipped off to the bathroom and when I returned he was laying prone on the floor. I looked at him considering for about a second and said “oh, that’s convenient” moving toward him. “What do you mean?” he asked. I smiled and moved down to straddle him, leaning over him to kiss him a few times letting my body rock over his. I smiled, “I have the shortest damned legs in the world” I laughed, realizing that my knees barely touched the floor on either side of him, “and I really hate being on top,” I said still moving over him delighting in my ability to tease him.

Martin has some amazingly strong, sexy reactions to my touch. I told him as much as I sat up slipping off my shirt again. “I always want you to know how you affect me,” he said, “how much I want you.” He says the right things. Eventually, I moved off of him and he followed me, moving on top of me. His mouth found my nipples. And once again I found myself lost in his touch. Unafraid of my nipple piercings, he didn’t treat them gently taking full advantage of the newness to slap them around with his tongue, sucking hard. His hand moved down to my hip, sliding under neath to hold me against him. Another first, somehow. Something I’d never realized I’d missed. Feeling him holding me there against him like that, so intimately, his mouth teasing my breast. I moaned, unable to resist the steady pressure and the mental stimulation.

We played like that for a long while, but eventually stopped. We never tried for a second go ‘round. The teasing was enough. I was about ready to go home since it was already about 5 am and the dogs had been alone in the house all night. However, I was too tired to drive so we retired to his (loud) bed and fell asleep wrapped around one another, a way I usually have a lot of trouble sleeping.

I woke up a bit later and we said our goodbyes. And I haven’t stopped thinking about him since. I can already feel it. I’m falling in love with him. Like I did with the ex that I’ve ranted about before. Neither of us wants to hurt each other. Neither wants to change the other’s life (although I admit I’m hopeful he’ll drop his stupid girlfriend and find someone more worthy of him even if it means he drops me, too). We have a year. Then husband and I will be moving cross country and that will be that.

But for now....

Delight

I left work horny and bored. I wanted some sort of action in my life as I was looking at a long, blank weekend. I asked husband if he would go out with me. Of course, he wanted to know where. And I tried to think of a place which would be acceptable. I looked up movies and came up dry. Nothing we both really wanted to see. Finally, I said "Let's see what Martin is doing!"

So I told husband to call Martin. "No, YOU call him, it's your idea." "But I shound shtupid" I lisped, emphasizing the way my tongue piercing is making a mockery of my speach. "So what? Call him if you want to." So I did. And he agreed to meet us at his house and we'd... well, actually we had no idea what we'd do. It ended up being a night of TV, but I digress.

When we got there the house was cold. I hunkered down in my jacket and asked him why he was living in Antarctica. Both the men made fun of me for it but Martin pointed to the fireplace in his living room (which had always struck me as a strange fixture) "I was going to light a fire. For you." A few minutes later he did and I ended up spending the vast part of the rest of the night laying directly in front of the fire slowly baking.

We watched lots of TV, husband on the couch, Martin in a chair located somewhat between us, and myself on the floor in front of the fire. I was somewhat tired, the heat of the fire and my overall comfort sleeping in Martin's house led me to slowly drift... away...

I kept thinking about the sensuality of laying there in front of the fire. It's an old cliche, sex in front of the fire. However, I understand WHY, now. I could see myself laying with Martin curled up against me, his fingers tracing patterns across my naked skin, the heat of the fire heating already hot flesh... Martin on top of me, slowly moving inside me, holding my hands over my head... me on top the firelight and heat playing across my skin. Except the carpet sucked. I had to imagine some kind of sensual fabric under me...

Eventually, husband lay down on the couch and Martin joined me on the floor, sitting companionably next to the pillow I'd been alternately laying down on and ignoring all night. After a moment of consideration, I lay down next to him and it wasn't long before I took the initiative and let my fingers begin caressing and crawling up the side of his outer thigh. I couldn't resist touching him so intimately. Remember, my goal has long been to torment him as much as I've been tormented the last year or so of knowing him. He has a light set to a timer and it clicked off. And that's when things took a turn. He began to hold and caress my hand. Gradually his fingers began to explore down my arm until he was coyly caressing my breast with the backs of his fingers.

Husband began to snore.

Don't deny me, baby...

So I got dressed this morning. After much consideration. And changing of bras. And reconsideration. But I am finally dressed. And I don't doubt no one will look at me and say "wow, I can see why it took you so long to get dressed" because it was really important I NOT look like I tried too hard.

And then I went and put on makeup. Which I always do. But it seems more obvious to me than ever. Which isn't really true. But that doesn't matter.

Why all the trouble? For someone I might not even SEE today. Yeah, that's right. I"m thinking about Nils. Fuck.

I forgot.

I spent the better part of last night naked, on cam, with MP. I've officially seen him completely and totally naked and hard and jacking himself to oblivion. What I've rediscovered is that while it's fun to watch guys jacking on cam it's nowhere near as sexy to me as LISTENING to them masturbating. Or getting to be there in person. Actually, just listening may, in some ways, be sexier. But that's hardly the point.

So, now I know what this guy's dick looks like and I'll see him tomorrow and be expected to act completely normal. Greeeeeaaaaaaaaaaat. Not to mention that he knows what my most intimate pink parts look like.

I'm somewhat hopeful he won't torment me tomorrow. But I'll be almost disappointed if he doesn't.

On the other hand, it occurs to me that I'm not THAT super attracted to this guy and mostly find the fact that he's ready and willing to fuck me to be my interest. So I wonder what happens if and when he comes in at the same time as one of the guys I'm REALLY attracted to. I'm increasingly obsessed with Nils. Having him in the same room as MP might be a little weird as I drooled over Nils with MP possibly watching....

I've also decided that if Nils isn't kinky.. and kinky in a way that I can welcome I'd be terribly disappointed. I adore the way he looks at me, intense, searching, confident.

When I saw him the other day he said something about how cruel I was and "would you like me to take off my bulletproof vest so you can whip my back more directly?" And I nodded eagerly, thoughts in my head solely of him stripping. Oh, GOD yes. I suppose that was the moment when I connected him with kink and the idea of some sort of corporal punishment. He can take his frustrations out on my body. Sounds delicious....

What went down today.

I love the excitement. I'm easy that way.

So early in the day Cade came in. I was more than a little surprised to see him. He walked in earlier than I expected, you see. And I wasn't behind the counter. This is only significant because I was talking to another customer and turned apparently unexpectedly to catch Cades eyes traveling lazily up my body. I don't believe he meant for me to catch him and I was immensely flattered. We ended up having a short conversation in which he asked me "so... they sending you away again?" so I ended up telling him where I'd be for the next week and a half. He left a bit afterward. When someone so closely examines my schedule I can't help but figure there's a reason and I'm not sure its because he intends to stalk me.

A bit later Nils showed up, also somewhat unexpectedly. I'm not sure if it was his day off or what, but he wasn't dressed in his usual uniform, and he was wearing regular glasses. When he walked in, once again, I wasn't behind the counter and came across him unexpectedly from the other side. I saw him look around for me and then say "Ah, there she is" as he walked past. Because he can't just walk past. He has to make sure I know he's there. I told him "I wasn't aware I was lost" and wandered back to my usual place. When he came up to me I think I said something but nothing smart. He stared at me the entire time, looking vaguely bemused. I glanced at him a few times looking, probably, vaguely guilty all the while chewing passionately on my tongue piercing (which I'm NOT supposed to do but I simply couldn't stop... and after a moment's consideration chose not to stop. I WANT him to know I'm pierced).

Seeing him there, even for the few minutes got me wet and horny. God damn do I want to fuck him.

Lastly, Wade came in. He looked like hell and I commented on it "gee, your eyes look red" rather than " god damn, you look like shit!" And he told me about how late he'd been working and would be working again. Then he glanced at my hand "you're still not wearing your wedding ring." I smiled and shook my head "I never do." "Yes you do," He corrected, reminding me of the single time I wore it to work "I wear it ONCE and now I'm expected to wear it all the time? I think not!" I said, or something like that, "Besides," I added, "the guy I wore it for has gone away. He came in once the other day and I refused to look at him and he hasn't been back." A bit after, he, too took off for places unknown.

I ended up spending the better part of the day fantasizing about the various things I want to do to Nils. While I find him physically perfect, I'm absolutely drawn to the way he looks at me. The way he acts toward me. I'm always on my toes when he's around. He throws me off center, he turns me on. I envisioned him naked, with my clinging to him as he was buried deep inside... or exploring him standing naked before me, letting me take my time to appreciate every inch of his skin. I wonder how he acts in bed. I want to know if he's kinky (and if he is... can he please please please be the one to initiate me?). I desire the intensity and dominance I sense in this man.

I work myself up over him. It makes me more excited to see him the next time. And makes my fantasies go deeper....

It's too bad after I maybe run into him tomorrow, I will be in another store for about a week and a half. No good stories are likely to come from there. *sigh*

Names.

Current and past reoccurring characters:

Cade: A rather hot customer whom I hardly see because our schedules are so different. Shy and cute, nothing will probably ever come of it, though he's come off as interested in me.

Curt: A customer whom I unintentionally appeared to be asking out when I was really just making conversation. Since that first conversation he's persued me on a semi-regular basis.

EB: A guy I met in 2004 and have slept with maybe half a dozen times during this period. I'd certainly call him a friend. With occasional benefits.

Gnome: A delightful reader of mine who is far too local and far too unavailable thanks to the whole "vows" and "kid" thing. Far too sexy for his own good, he's yet another crush to add to my collection. Although I'd work hard to rock his world if I could just get my hands on him.

Hawk: The gym manager, hot, over 40, and flirty. Has a girlfriend.

Husband: My husband of 7 years.

Keith: A two night stand, met online, who has turned out to be so much more. He lives impossibly far away. Frequently referred to in posts regarding the best sex I've ever had.

Martin: My husband's closest friend and previously my lover. Has a live in girlfriend, now, ending that.

MP: A customer who told me he found me on AFF. I hardly see him and while we flirt, I won't sleep with him.

Nils: One of the police who used to frequent my work place and a source of infinite longing. Has a girlfriend. May be leaving for a very extended period of time.

Sam: A really hot AF man who is so totally my taste it kills me. Has a live in girlfriend. Flirts with me anyway.

Slut: A guy who comes into my store semi-regularly. His "I'm a slut" t-shirt is what makes him most attractive to me.

Trian: 40-something guy vascilating about what is turning into a messy divorce. He's a genuine nice-guy but not my type.

Wade: An older customer who has made it clear that he wants me. Mostly a big flirt, I think, though he's become available.

Whit: Military guy, a couple years younger than me. Cute, smart, and really great in bed.

For now I think that covers everyone.

Tough

First of all, having my tongue pierced and saying things like "Three thirty three" and "six seventy seven" is a real joke. That made things very tough. Trying to say "receipt" and "That" also a joke. Luckily, I only say these things all day long so it was okay.

The super duper hot guy came in (the one who looks like a movie star) and after he left I almost hyperventilated. I love him.

Then this guy who likes to torment me came in. He's so fucking hot, too. He talked to some guy and then left and right in front of that particular guy I told my co-worker "I have SUCH a crush on him." Just because I'm curious if his friend will tell him. Not that I'll probably know. But I WANT his friend to tell him. Because I think it'd be funny. And I want him to know. For no good reason except I want him to know the effect he has on me. Like he can't tell, right?

So, yeah. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to handle my internet/real-life guy I wrote about recently. When he walks in the door there I'm probably going to have some really crazy reaction. And luckily not one but TWO of my coworkers have the potential of witnessing THAT.

Ouchie.

The tip of my tongue hurts. Apparently it's a common reaction to piercing and will go away. But for now it hurts. And that really really sucks.

I told husband's friend what I'd done. To tease him. Since he's remaining faithful to his cheating girlfriend, I figure it's great fun to torment him with what he's denying himself. I'm sure that's really wrong of me to do. I'm also sure I don't really care....

How it all goes.

So, I finally found out that the guy that recognised me at work is, indeed, the same guy who e-mailed me. Just as I thought it was, although I refused to call assurance. And there's really no question in my head that we will, indeed, fuck. Just not yet. Because I got pierced.

But, of course, since I wrote about it here we'll never ever do it, right?

However, I'm shocked and amazed because this is a guy I've never written about, but I have thought about just a touch. Mostly not because he seemed too... I don't know what. Too hot by a long shot, and certainly too... not serious. But apparently he actually wants to fuck me. And I'm amazed.

It'll probably be really bad.

But now I'm thinking that hot asian guy that comes in... he could actually be thinking about it, too. He's looked at me that way. And I never thought anything of it. But maybe I should have been. Maybe I have a chance with him.

And certainly there's the older, shorter guy. I know he wants me. What'll he think NOW? Maybe I should give him a chance. He's got so much interest, so much hope....

And then theres the OTHER guy who I'm increasingly attracted to. Who asks me when I'm going to work next and such. Comes into see me. I should talk to him more. Make it a point to have a real conversation with him. Just because. Just to see what happens.

The problem being that the last guy doesn't know I'm married. Should be able to guess but.... It's always cruel to have to tell someone for the first time.

Well, isn't that just....

So, anyway. The other day I was contacted via the sex site by someone I used to work with. Someone I hired, even. Someone I was vaguely attracted to. Someone I got over real quick, but who's personality I always kind of liked. Of course, any thoughts HE might have had toward a union were squashed. He might not have meant it, and that's fine because you know... I'm going to have to say "no."

So then yesterday I was working. All of about 25 people came in. One of them saw me and called me a nickname which is certainly not MY nickname in any sense of the word. He later went on to ask me if I was rushing so I could get back on the internet. I didn't get it. I wasn't rushing and what the fuck did the internet have to do with ANYTHING at all?

About two minutes after he left it fell together. The nickname. The internet crack. He was making a reference to the same profile the other person responded to. God dammit. So I sat and argued with myself about it. "Could it be? Naw... well... maybe...." When I came home I went to husband and told him my story, he's rather cynical. If I was wrong, he'd tell me. I finished the story and he laughed at me. "I think it was a reference, too."

This morning I wake up and check the site with some sense of trepidation. And there, indeed, is an email from either the person just mentioned or YET ANOTHER PERSON asking if I work in the place that I work and if I was at work YESTERDAY. So now I've been recognised by two or three people in the last few days. What the hell is going ON?

Not that it really matters. I'd prefer me coworker remain clueless, but otherwise it's just kind of weird because I've only been in this situation once before and that was just odd.

Also, I slept like a baby last night, much to my shock and delight. I thought for sure my tongue piercing was going to keep me awake all night. Instead I woke up and scraped my tongue across my teeth in an apparent attempt to cause myself as much pain as possible. I'm okay now. Three Advil make everything better....

Tongue It...

After having talked about it for a year or so I finally did it. I went and got my tongue pierced. And oh my god was it NOT a big deal. Having had my nipples and my ears pierced I'm shocked and amazed at how easy and not-too-painful it was. Almost disappointingly so as some part of me revels in the trauma.

The worst part is trying to figure out how to SWALLOW....

Changes

Freakily, I think someone I used to know found my profile on a match making site. Which had something to do with this site. Fuck that shit. So I decided it would be best if I made the change I've been meaning to make for a while. Thus the new address and sign in name. Same ol' me, however.

I figure eventually those who care will find this site again and those who don't will simply delete my old, dead, link....

Rejection

There's this guy. (Isn't there always this guy?) This customer. And I lust after him. He's not movie star handsome like the guy I've mentioned previously. But he's better than average looking. I think any woman would look at him and say "he's good looking." He's built just how I like, though taller than the men I'm generally with. I'd never reject him for that and find it more attractive just because of that DIFFERENCE.

Then there's this other guy. He's older than I am. Not particularly handsome (though I wouldn't call him ugly). He's got an average build, and he's shorter than I am. It's the combination of all those things which makes him not really stand out to me, not really pique my libido. I hold none of this against him.

The second guy clearly has a thing for me. He's been just a bit beyond subtle about it, making sure I couldn't possibly NOT know but making sure not to be obnoxious about it. Really, it's a lovely balancing act.

Both men came into the store today. I'm sincerely interested in the first guy. If I had half a chance of getting him into bed I'd be there immediately. With bells (or whatever suits his fancy) on, if necessary. Only the mildest self-conscious hesitation would be seen. Because this is a man I desire. A man I'm not sure I deserve but am certain I would love to have in my bed. Someone I'm sure I could please and who could almost certainly please ME.

He comes in every evening and is almost always my last customer to buy coffee. Knowing that he'll come in just before closing to buy coffee has caused me to make sure there's a reasonably fresh pot available for him. And I let him know I was doing that. "I hope it's not just for me" he said. A good deflection. But it is. Just for him. Solely. Sometimes one or two other people will come in and get to take advantage of it (which is fine with me) but it really is JUST for him. I aim to please.

Does he realize this translates to my feelings in bed, too? I aim to please.

Later, the second man came in. Talking to him briefly, I try to not flirt back. I wouldn't want to give him false hope. But listening to him deftly try to draw me out, to flirt a little.... This is a man who knows how to use what he's got to get what he wants. This doesn't mean it's actually WORKING (of course I'm not really sure it's NOT).

The point is... he puts himself out there just enough... but not enough to be rejected outright. And I'm with him. He and I are the same in that regard. I cannot put myself out there with the hot guy because I cannot stand the idea of being rejected by someone I want. Really want. I will do my best to please him in all the little ways I can but I will not put myself in a position where he can reject that from me.

I envy and give much respect to those who are able to really put themselves out there. Those who are able to accept rejection and brush it off as a normal part of life.

Here I am, 27 years old and I'm not mature enough to deal with it. What does it take? What do I have to do to get myself to the point where I'm over that? How old do I have to be?

Am I reading the second guy wrong? Does he know some secret that I don't?