Rejection

There's this guy. (Isn't there always this guy?) This customer. And I lust after him. He's not movie star handsome like the guy I've mentioned previously. But he's better than average looking. I think any woman would look at him and say "he's good looking." He's built just how I like, though taller than the men I'm generally with. I'd never reject him for that and find it more attractive just because of that DIFFERENCE.

Then there's this other guy. He's older than I am. Not particularly handsome (though I wouldn't call him ugly). He's got an average build, and he's shorter than I am. It's the combination of all those things which makes him not really stand out to me, not really pique my libido. I hold none of this against him.

The second guy clearly has a thing for me. He's been just a bit beyond subtle about it, making sure I couldn't possibly NOT know but making sure not to be obnoxious about it. Really, it's a lovely balancing act.

Both men came into the store today. I'm sincerely interested in the first guy. If I had half a chance of getting him into bed I'd be there immediately. With bells (or whatever suits his fancy) on, if necessary. Only the mildest self-conscious hesitation would be seen. Because this is a man I desire. A man I'm not sure I deserve but am certain I would love to have in my bed. Someone I'm sure I could please and who could almost certainly please ME.

He comes in every evening and is almost always my last customer to buy coffee. Knowing that he'll come in just before closing to buy coffee has caused me to make sure there's a reasonably fresh pot available for him. And I let him know I was doing that. "I hope it's not just for me" he said. A good deflection. But it is. Just for him. Solely. Sometimes one or two other people will come in and get to take advantage of it (which is fine with me) but it really is JUST for him. I aim to please.

Does he realize this translates to my feelings in bed, too? I aim to please.

Later, the second man came in. Talking to him briefly, I try to not flirt back. I wouldn't want to give him false hope. But listening to him deftly try to draw me out, to flirt a little.... This is a man who knows how to use what he's got to get what he wants. This doesn't mean it's actually WORKING (of course I'm not really sure it's NOT).

The point is... he puts himself out there just enough... but not enough to be rejected outright. And I'm with him. He and I are the same in that regard. I cannot put myself out there with the hot guy because I cannot stand the idea of being rejected by someone I want. Really want. I will do my best to please him in all the little ways I can but I will not put myself in a position where he can reject that from me.

I envy and give much respect to those who are able to really put themselves out there. Those who are able to accept rejection and brush it off as a normal part of life.

Here I am, 27 years old and I'm not mature enough to deal with it. What does it take? What do I have to do to get myself to the point where I'm over that? How old do I have to be?

Am I reading the second guy wrong? Does he know some secret that I don't?