Idealism

So I'm giving a ton of thought to my time with Martin. He called last night and explained why he hadn't called sooner and why he wasn't able to take my call, all of which made sense to me as I knew it eventually would, though it was in a message rather than me getting the phone. I texted him back letting him know I was irritated but that I forgive him... and want him. So he texted me back telling me that he wanted me, too and all of that. Back and forth a few times before I finally called him and we talked for a few minutes.

After I got off the phone I lay back and considered what was going on. And I'm completely lost as to what to do with myself. Having high expectations tends to cause disappointment. Thinking something is PERFECT has the same effect. And yet I can't help but feel both.

I've persued this man for years. Literally. There have been months between seeing one another and yet everytime I would find myself dressing so as to best attract his attention. It was often through my insistance that the group of us have gone out together, just so I could see him again. Over and over. I've often been quiet and contemplative when he's around because I never quite know what to say. But now... we talk. A lot.

He says the sexiest things, too. Makes me feel desired. He touches me in amazing ways and I know if I tell him how much I enjoyed being pressed against the wall... the way he held me to him... he'll do it again. He'll do it BETTER. I'm just sure of it.

So here I have my fantasy of several years finally answered. A fantasy that I held in the back of my head... denying the possibility that it would be half as good as it IS... and it's BETTER? How am I supposed to handle that? How am I supposed to be realistic about what this relationship is going to BE?

I'm going to have to try really hard to stay in the moment.