I... swallow?

I was thinking about my last time with Martin. It happens. Because I've been reflective positively upon the experience. Much as I'm disappointed not to have that option open to me anymore I'm not particularly angry to see it gone. Disappointed still, yes... but not angry.

But I was thinking about the fact that Martin is, in fact, the first man I've ever slept with whom I didn't first meet on the internet. That I lusted after him for so long and it was only the more direct approach that got me exactly where I wanted to be. He treated me extremely well... and while the passion wasn't all I'd hoped for.. the sex really was pretty fucking awesome and the affection I found there was exactly what I needed.

I really haven't had a lot of sex since the incident with Frank at the beginning of the year where he hurt me and broke my trust. Sleeping with Martin helped me get back a lot of my confidence. In a lot of ways. Not just in being able to give my trust, but in being able to get naked with someone and really enjoy their body and their touch.

Sleeping with Martin was great. And that it ended so quickly hurts because I saw a long and very... interesting future for us when it came to sex. However, I appreciate the gifts he was able to give me and honor him for that. He gave me back my sexuality in a way that, perhaps, no one else could.

Looking back I was thinking about the fact that I eagerly swallowed his load. The cum that I worked for and earned. SOmething I haven't done in years. Something I delighted in doing with him. Because this is a man I wanted to have as part of me. Yesterday I was briefly angry that I swallowed with him, that I let even that little bit of him enter my body and surely be used by my body as nourishment... maybe to help build a cell or two... because he left me. But looking back now with a little more clarity... I'm glad. It was my gift to him... and to myself. To make Martin a permanent part of me in that small way. I don't think I'll ever swallow for just anybody... but I'm damned glad it happened this time. Because it was right.

And because I'm better off having taken him to my bed.