No one to tell.

I'm going to say it now. What I haven't really said to anyone. Not this honestly.

I'm in love with Keith. Two nights. A couple of short conversations. And I'm in love.

Yes, I know. It's not real love. What kind of love can develop over the course of two nights? We had conversations and they flowed. We know something about one another. But not enough. And yet. Here I sit. In love with him. He's my first thought in the morning, now. And I think of him often during the day.

I know it will fade. I know things will go back to normal. My desire for Keith certainly doesn't mean I don't desire other men. But my desire for them has a certain pallor, now. I crave Nils and even Sam... but some of it is habit. I'm used to wanting them. But I feel like I could put it aside so easily. And let my love for Keith flow over me, filling me to the brim. No room for more.

The other night I came with husband, Keith was who I was thinking of. Keith with his adventurous tongue and strong hands. I came with Keith, really, husband was just an instrument to give physicality to my dreams.

I know it'll fade. I tell myself to stop basking in the fantasy and recognize that no one is perfect. That no man will ever be EXACTLY what I'm looking for. That the grass is always greener and always will be. He invited me to come to him, several times. Maybe he didn't mean it. It's just pillow talk. But the words have stuck.

It's easy to say that if I were single I'd be there with him now. A grand adventure. But in truth, I'd probably stay quietly here, pining just as I am now, for a love I cannot have.

I also know that much as I desire to be with him, I could never do it as the unwhole person I am now. I told him I couldn't leave husband to be with him. I also told him he shouldn't want me to, because what kind of person would DO that? I can't see myself going to be with Keith with less than a completely clear conscience that my current relationship holds nothing for me. And I'm not there. Not even kind of.

And so I sit here, trying to mend things with Husband. Trying to make our marriage be something I can comfortably and confidently live with. But back behind all that is a desire to make it fail. To make good solid reasons for things to end between us.

The frustrating part being that the dark part of me is the very reason I can't leave. Because so long as it's there, I will always know that I was the ultimate reason for our failure.