So Excited

As it turns out, I'm gainfully employed again. Well, at least, I will be. Next week. I got exactly the job I wanted and I'm totally excited about it. Even if I decide NOT to follow the career path I've currently got planned out, I will finally be in a position to never, ever, ever have to work retail again. There were some perks (this is me thinking very fondly of my work which put me in contact with more than one guy I slept with) but those were few and far between. Hardly worthwhile. At least in this job I'll get to see more of the kind of folks I like. I hope.

I find myself so befuddled by this having a job starting next week that I keep thinking "oh, I need to go search for more jobs to apply to..." except.. obviously I don't. I'm just not starting yet, is all.

Meanwhile, my anniversary is coming up. It's hard to imagine Husband and I have been together as long as we have. In some ways I guess we both think it's been far too long, but overall... I think we're okay. We still have more of the "big important talks" than I'd like (like none, please) but we're chugging along.

Husband keeps checking craigslist casual encounters. I finally asked him the other day "are you planning on finding someone else to sleep with? Because I'm not sure how I feel about that right now." In some ways it'd make me happy for him to be able to have that kind of casual fun... but I worry he's going to fall in love with someone else and forget to come back. Something I'm painfully familiar with in my own adventures. He claims he's not going to find anyone that way. We'll see....

I had more to write about the last topic but suddenly I'm very, very tired. It's very, very bedtime.

My sister and my husband went to the coast together today. She's got vacation and he isn't working so away they went. Had I not had a job interview I might have been tempted to go, myself. However, neither of them would have wanted to take the dogs and I have this thing where I want to live my life with my boys at my side all the time so they took a day of vacation without me.

I went to the interview and for the most part it went pretty well. The work seemed okay but the people who interviewed me seemed very stressed in some ways. There were a lot of questions of "if terrible things X, Y, and Z happened..." and "if person Y did this what would your response be..." that sort of thing. I've walked away with the suspicion that the reason the job is open is because of the examples they gave. And even as I drove away I was thinking "if they feel like they need to ask those kinds of questions... do I even want to work there...?"

Which really means I need to put in for some more jobs. I'm incredibly disappointed because I haven't heard back from the first place that interviewed me. I think I'd adore that job and be really happy. *sigh* Of course, it's only Monday. But still....

I guess this means I need to put in for more jobs. :-/

So, it's a quiet afternoon here alone in the apartment. I've got the sliding glass door open just a crack and I'm gazing out at the sunlight reflecting off the back fence, the fluffy white clouds in the blue sky, and the wind making the ivy dance. It's a little too cold outside to just go out and enjoy it, but too perfect of a day to keep the windows covered. It feels like an early spring vacation to me. The kind of day where my cabana boy lover comes to give me a massage, pleasure me selflessly, and then leaves me alone with some sweet drink to enjoy the end of the day.

*sigh*

That Show

You know that show, The Shield? It totally blows my mind. TOTALLY BLOWS MY MIND. Let there be no question. My mind? Blown. Totally.

So, like a million years ago Keith told me he digs The Shield and was all "record it for me and send it to me in this foreign country" (to paraphrase). So I totally did and then as it turns out his computer wasn't able to read the dvds for some reason but anyway, I started watching... and thanks to TIVO I kept watching and watching and have seen all but a few episodes multiple times. Like, I *really* like the show and this last season was totally wicked, especially the painfully well shot cliff hanger episode from last season and then there's all this season which is exciting and starting off well... and will (apparently) completely end the series (from what I've read) and it's like... I'm totally excited.

It also helps that I want to take the lead actor and tie him to my bed for a few nights. Or be tied to his. You know, whatever. I'm not picky in this regard. Not when it comes to him, anyway.

So yeah. The Shield... wicked. Mr. Chiklis... not nearly naked enough.

Now that I think about it, how is it that man's managed to avoid the gratuitous nudity I so crave in men of his type? WTF? Seriously. More male nudity. It can be tasteful. But c'mon. Even George Eads (from CSI) has managed a few shirtless scenes and it's not like he's even the "main" character! Dammit.

I know, everything's filmed. It's too late to be crying for nudity. But the man's going to have to do better in this regard. I'll be patient, god knows. But not forever....

Memories....

I messaged Martin the other day as I was waiting outside my interview. I was bored and excited and needed someone to "talk" to, so I sent him a text. He wrote back hours later. We've written back and forth a bit the last few days, it all culminated with tonight. Our desire for one another leaking out a bit. I never know if his girlfriend's nearby. I worry she'll see. But what can she do to me? I worry for him, for my part in it, but I also know he's a big boy who can make his own decisions. It's hard to really contribute to his delinquency from across the country.

Back and forth we went, reminiscing. My brain immediately caught on the fact that I fucked Keith while I was still seeing Martin... of the fact that Martin couldn't compete. My desire for Keith was too strong, the chemistry so perfect. And yet, Martin and I had our fun for a while. Martin was the romantic, or played one so perfectly it made my heart ache a few times.

He told me he still masturbates when he thinks about some of the stuff we did. I smile a little. We were never so wild. Nothing I feel the need to relive so completely, nothing that'll get me off. Is he so easily amused, I wonder? There are really only a couple of things worth mentioning... the first night we were together, the night I sucked his cock while he chatted up his ex on the phone, and the night I stuck my tongue in his ass (an idea stolen directly from Keith's playbook, I might add). I can guess which one he chooses to remember so vividly.

But, none the less it woke up a longing in me. Got me thinking about how it felt to be around Martin, about my imaginings of what the good parts about being his girlfriend would be. Of course, it also made me think about the bad parts... but the good parts were the focus.

When it came to be bed time, I tried to seduce husband but nothing doing...

News

I spent the last hour snuggling with Husband. "I'm glad to be your wubby" he told me. I'm glad, too.

Today's already been... something. One of my ratties is dying. Well, not just dying. I'm having her put down today. That'll be the second since we moved here. She's not really a surprise, I suppose. She's around 2 1/2-3 years old which is a decent life for a ratty. Still, it hurts.

Meanwhile, I've already gotten a call back from the job I interviewed for, calling for a second interview. And I have an interview for another, similar, job next week.

Things are looking up just past the ratty's inevitable death.

Thoughts

Last night, I came onto husband. Several times. each time he was less than receptive. The last time, he escaped the room as quickly as he could. He wanted nothing to do with my advances. Typical.

I ended up having a non-sexual dream about Keith. I have, for the most part, accepted that Keith isn't a real, stable part of my life and never will be. And in the dream, it was much the same. He was there with his wife and kids (which in reality is his exwife) moving from where I live now to where I used to live. I went to help because as it turned out in the dream, Keith knew someone else I knew and I was able to be there as a stranger. He kept touching me in his familiar, delightful way when no one was looking and making me utterly mad with desire. Eventually his (apparently) mentally ill wife told everyone to leave because no one was helping. I looked helplessly at Keith, but he knew better than to argue with her. It was a really weird dream, but I woke up sad and longing for him. *sigh* In fact, Keith has moved to the same area I was in for the last 8 years. It tears me up that I missed him. In fact, it occurred to me that he may have flown into an airport a mere 20 minutes away. And I find myself disappointed that there was no chance I'd see him.

Anyway.

Oh, and I read your comment to my husband, no_more_secrets. He told me he's going to run over to my sister's house next time and say "screw it, we should just have sex." He doesn't think that'll go over very well.

Joy

Well, I'm not really, really happy. But I'm pretty happy. I had an interview this morning. It was the first response I got from putting in for a job I'd really love to do. Something I hadn't dared put in for, before. After all, what do I have to offer? But as it turns out... something. So I went to the interview and because of the unpredictability of traffic... and my own fear of being late... I ended up getting there and HOUR early. Eek. So I sat in the car and played with my ipod and sent text messages and finally went inside 15 minutes early.

The interview, which I was concerned would go terribly, went really, really well. I walked out of there in just the most excellent mood. Even if I don't get the job, it was a really, seriously positive interviewing experience that gave me a hell of a lot more confidence about my interviewing abilities. I was really happy.

Having done that, overall I'm in a way better mood than I've been in months. Way better. And maybe, just maybe, Husband will get some tonight. Maybe.

I have another, similar interview scheduled for next week. Hopefully I'll shine as brightly in that one and be offered that job. While I'm not sure it's a realistic hope (any more than I thought this one was) it is closer to what I have in mind. However, this job would be a GREAT stepping stone in moving towards what I want to do "in real life." And maybe, ultimately, be a great stopping point for me. It's a job I could be proud of, in and of itself.

So yeah. It's been a lovely day.

Makes me wish I had a boy toy to share the excitement with. But you know, maybe I can just do that with husband. Maybe.

The conversation I had

So after my post regarding my husband's sex drive and my feelings of amusement I got to thinking some more. Last night while we were making dinner together and I told him about the post and about my belief that I don't live in a world where my husband and my sister are having an affair... but perhaps I'm too confident about that.

He stared at me and then laughed "what, do you mean it?"

"Well," I told him, "one of the signs one's spouse is having an affair is an increased interest in sex. Like maybe having sex makes you want to have more sex... or it throws the person's suspicion off."

"I'm not having sex with your sister. I'm just horny."

"Right... so you go over there to pick something up and stay for an hour? Booty call?"

He shook his head, looking utterly perplexed. "You know, if I'm going to be accused of having an affair, I'd really prefer it be when I'm actually getting some from someone!"

I laughed at that and said, "you'd say that though, wouldn't you? You know there's nothing you can say that'll convince me you're not. And, really, they say if you suspect your spouse is having an affair they probably ARE."

He shook his head at me.

I wasn't completely serious. And he knew that. But it was a conversation I felt like I needed to have. I really DON'T think I live in a world where my husband and my sister would fuck... and I try to be pretty realistic. But there's always that doubt that I don't have the control over and understanding of my life that I think I do.

Which led me to confess my secret pleasure in denying him sex. He didn't find it nearly as amusing as I did, but he also didn't seem to feel very offended. "The difference," I told him, "is that sometimes I put out anyway." He couldn't deny it.

And oddly, it really wasn't a particularly tense conversation. Afterward, however, he went for the pepto bismul for heartburn. I gazed at him open mouthed "oh!" He stared at me quizzically "I have heartburn." "Yeah, after a stressful conversation! Oh my god!" He rolled his eyes in response and said "I had it BEFORE." Uh huh.

Another Part of Me

So I was laying in bed thinking about things. Everything. So of course, I couldn't sleep.

I've mentioned before the fact that my husband has become suddenly sexualized. Not like I used to be, but certainly more sexual than he's been since we first got married. I suppose in some ways this is a warning sign of an affair... and the only person he could possibly be having an affair with is my sister... but I can't seem to believe the likelihood. Some people lead lives where that sort of thing is a real possibility... I'm not one of those people. Anyway, that was a tangent....

Meanwhile, as husband's libido increases, mine has dropped off dramatically. Sex? No thanks. And everytime husband asks or even hints, I find myself laughing manaically inside and turning him down. "Gee, what's that like?" I ask him, snidely, reminding him of all the times I've been desperate to be touched and he's denied me.

I don't really mean it be vindictive... but really, I am a bit. I do still put out now and again, giving him blow jobs and hand jobs and the like. Far more than he ever did for me. However, I realize I'm still incredibly resentful of the last several years.

In fact, it occurred to me that I'm even resentful that I was forced to look for sex outside our home. Which isn't to say it hasn't been very enjoyable. I've reveled in that freedom. However, the operative word is "forced."

Anyway, I find myself having mixed and somewhat angry emotions about a lot of things. This is just one of them. I know there's a place and a way of thinking that will make me more accepting of the whole situation, but I've lost that place. Mostly, I'm just vengeful. And it makes me smile in an evil, evil way.

I don't feel like even this is a marriage breaker. I try hard not to visit my cruelty on him too often. Really, it should be never. And I'm working on it. But god damn, I'm spiteful....

To one who would never think I mean him...

Sometimes when I kiss my husband I close my eyes and imagine it's you. Sometimes I turn off the lights when I take him in my mouth and pretend it's your cock against my tongue. I'll lay in bed talking to him and open my eyes for a second expecting to see your face. I look over at him once in a while and wonder what it would be like if it was you there, instead. I wonder how you'd look at me. I wonder how things would be between us.

And then I check the casualty reports to make sure you're not actually dead, that you're still out there.

Maybe thinking of me.

The Fingers

I was watching some show on E! or Style or something tonight. In it, a rather average looking man (I kept having to ask myself if he was gay) had a segment about him. He was certainly NOT the sort of man I find attractive-- not my vision of masculine enough. However, he was rather quiet and soothing in his own way. He gave the female star of the segment a massage. And I found myself suddenly drooling all over this man. As I watched his oiled fingers gliding over the woman's soft skin I was thinking to myself about what it must be like to be him, to put his hands all over this naked woman's skin, to give all of this intense pleasure and yet get none directly in return. What must it be like to be allowed to touch these women and know they would never let him touch them outside that room. At least, not at first....

It was shocking to me how my body reacted. A slave of sorts. But if a man with those amazing hands were to offer a happy ending, offer to fuck me hard... well... I'm not one to deny him that mutual pleasure.

And then the thoughts just reminded me of what I'm missing in my own sex life. Someone willing to spend lots of time on me, now and again. I'm willing to trade off, I swear....

Girl Can't Help It...

Yeah, I'm listening to Journey and I'm NOT ashamed of it!

For whatever reason, I'm taking this period of joblessness pretty well. I still haven't told the management around here about the mold. That'll be tomorrow. As things stand, I'm cleaning, going through all the stuff we moved here with all those months ago and donating the stuff we don't need or want anymore and reorganizing the rest. With every unpacked box, every foot of floor space uncovered, I'm feeling lighter, more refreshed. Like just maybe there's hope... hope in everything.

The other night, husband got me a little drunk. It was mutual, really. We haven't gotten drunk in... a long time. Months? A year? I can't really remember. "You always get horny when you drink," he reminded me. I had to laugh at that. He's right, though. Unfortunately, it was also the first, most painful day of my period. However, being his good oral-sex giving wife, I was on my knees before too long.

Eventually I got bored of straining to suck him on the bed and led him out into the living room and pushed him into the lay-z-boy. I popped in one of my mainstream porn tapes (something random and reasonably non-offensive, though I jokingly told him it was gay porn since the first several minutes involve a group of men all talking) and set back to work. It wasn't too long until a porn starlet was on her knees before her costar, working his cock like the pro she so obviously is. I took my cue and redoubled my efforts, feeling his cock thicken and harden under my ministrations. Eventually he came, and lay back while I got a towel for him and cleaned myself off.

We spent the rest of the night in good moods as I came down from my buzz and he recovered from his sexual high. It was like a very pleasant night of vacation from everything for the both of us, and perhaps one of the best nights we've had together in years.

Life comes at you fast...

I was pretty much forced to quit my job. I walk away a wiser person, a better employee and a better supervisor. However, that doesn't pay the bills.

I've discovered a terrible mildew/mold problem along a wall in the living room. It's eaten at the bottom of my filing cabinet. I'm pissed. I'm going to have to move all the boxes and other sundries from around it so I can show it to the apartment maintenance guy. I suspect minor pressure could make a small section of the drywall cave in. The carpet under the cabinet is moldy black. Did I mention I'm pissed?

Meanwhile, husband is hornier than usual. Me? The exact opposite. Stress does nothing for my libido. Stress has been constant since the move out here. It's NOT getting better. So, I've been doing my part to "tend to" my husband's needs without having to go through the trouble of pretending to want to get fucked. Besides, there are few things more annoying than his litany that I need to "teach him how to use a condom." Like they're some fucking great, new technology that one needs to take a class on, or something. Shit, I don't even want to have sex, why in the hell would I want to "teach" him to use a condom? Fuck that.

My sister is still looking for booty calls online. My husband is taking ideas from her, searching craigslist with a vague sense of hope and embarrassment for a sexual partner besides myself. Am I pissy about it? You bet. For the last how many years, I've been begging him for sex on a regular basis until I just completely gave up and now all of a sudden he's become affectionate and suddenly oversexed... you know, when I want nothing to do with any of it anymore.

My life is bordering on the absurd.

Maybe it's already passed over that cliff.

Not very accurate psychological survey.

1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. With who?

Husband

2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?

Squirrel (grey)

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal.

It looks at me curiously and scampers up a tree.

4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house. Describe it.

It's a house just like the one in "house sitter." Exactly. But bigger.

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?

No.

6. You enter the house. You walk in to the dining room and see the dining room table. What do you see on AND around it?

Candle sticks, place settings, tea set. Chairs around, carpeting.


7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?

Plastic, insulated. Translucent purple.

8. What do you do with the cup?

Leave it.

9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. what kind of body of water is it?

A small-ish lake. Much bigger than a pond, but the shore is completely visible.

10. How will you cross the water?

I'll swim.

THE "KEY"
1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important person in your life.
2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life.
3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.
4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.
5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not drop by unannounced.
6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.
7. The durability of the material the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.
8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude.
9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.
10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life.

So lately, I've spent my time running to and from work. Those 9 hour days plus travel time (which can be anywhere from 40 minutes round trip to two hours on bad days) are kind of killer. Not to mention the unpredictability of what time of day those 9 hours start. Will it be 6am or 2pm? Or somewhere in between? It's a toss up. Needless to say, though I do have warning as to what my upcoming shifts are going to be, it doesn't make my sleep schedule anymore predictable, which means I spend most days tired as hell even before I go to work.

My weekends have been spent out with my husband and the dogs. I always swore when we came back home I'd make it a point to be more active and get out and do all the things I did as a teenager, but was unable to do as a young adult. Having the dogs has gone a long way toward realizing that. For the last month, each of my days off have included several hours wandering around the dog park. As the weather clears, hopefully we'll manage to take a few day trips. Heck we might even manage a camp out for a weekend. That'd be great.

I'm working hard on improving my attitude toward my husband. We spend an awful lot of time together since he's not been working and he's quite depressed. Getting out as been very good for both of us, but my attitude toward him over the last several years hasn't been very good and since things are currently magnified and our lives have become abnormally intertwined I see that it's been more harmful than helpful. I'm working to change that.

Which isn't to say I'm not still thinking about fucking various and sundry men. I'm just realistic in knowing now just isn't a great time for it.

I'm watching my sister do many of the same things I've done over the last few years in attempting to find someone to fuck regularly in an NSA fashion. I swear to god she's talking to a lot of the same guys. It's almost laughable, and it's helping me to not mind so much about the fact that I'm not looking. While I feel a certain longing for the thrill, I'm glad not to be talking to the crazies, including the guy who asked her if she'd be his girlfriend before they'd even had a single online conversation, let alone met in real life. Stuff like that, I can definitely do without....

I had the pleasure of seeing my new crush at work yesterday. It's so funny to me the way I look at him. He's not a super-hot guy. I'm not even convinced he's a hot guy. And yet, it matters not much at all to me. I'm aware of it and yet completely unaffected in my lust. I think it's because he reminds me of EB, my lover from a while back. I haven't heard from EB since before I left the East coast, although I keep an eye out for him online. He was a great guy just to talk to and he was nice in bed (with a distinct possibility of being kinky). However, I think EB found himself a full-time girlfriend and therefore dropped all his non-monogamous friends. I digress.

So I think my new crush reminds me of EB. And I think that's a lot of what keeps me looking at him with a little lust in my eyes. Although most of it has to do with the way he touched me. I keep trying to put myself in the position to be touched by him again. Often. But it's just not happening. Anyway, isn't it wrong to take sexual pleasure from someone's unknowing touch? I'm not convinced he's completely unknowing, however. I think he does it on purpose.

Anyway. That's about all I have to say for now.

Really

Really, I wasn't begging for notes or folks telling me they read. It's almost better NOT to know for sure. Then I can imagine I have hundreds of thousands of readers. Or just one or two. The later making it easier to write for myself rather than worrying about the opinions of the masses. Although I appreciate you all, no doubt.

So what do I have to write about now?

I was mulling over how very boring my life has become and my lack of an interesting sex life when it occurred to me that it really wasn't all THAT long ago I was sleeping with a couple other guys and found the experiences to be somewhat lacking. Not bad, for the most part... but not great, either. However, I somehow managed to forget I even HAD them. I was bemoaning the fact that I haven't gotten properly laid in years... except it's really only been something like half a year, which is really not that long of a stretch for me. So helllllllo drama queen....

So unfortunately for me, most of the guys who come into my store are either (very) old or grizzled or both. My regulars are pretty much fifty-somethings who've spent far too much time in the sun, which really does nothing for me. Yesterday a very, very hot guy came into the store but I had absolutely no contact with him.

My crush, the guy who works with me, once again managed to completely avoid being around me at all. I think I worked next to him for about 2 minutes and the entire time I was freezing my ass off as the doors next to me kept opening letting in the gusts of cold air from outside. I told him I never would have chosen that register if I'd known how cold it was and he offered to lend me his coat. *swoon* Okay, maybe not. I declined and he ended up getting sent elsewhere very, very shortly after... and that was that.

Q&A

Two recent questions have come up, so I'll go ahead and address them now.

First and foremost, I have an email address on my profile. I did NOT have one there before, but I've fixed that situation. I used to have one on my sidebar but, with the switch to new blogger I never bothered to put it back since I think in the years I've had this blog I've recieved something like a grand total of 6 emails, including the ones I received in the back-and-forth exchanges via email. However, it's there again to be further ignored by my 2 1/2 readers.

Which brings me to another point, (which was never a question) I totally ditched the stat-counter I used to have. New Blogger kicked it off my page and I've been far too lazy to replace it. So other than a few notes now and and again I have no idea who's reading my page or how often or even who's linking here. I only just discovered yesterday that Lola On... put me on her list of blogs she reads. I'm not sure WHY, I never asked for a reciprocal link and don't think I'm interesting enough for most people but hey, I'll take it. So if anyone else has linked to me and I haven't even bothered to look at your page... well... you know why. It's not personal. I'm link-blind and I'm still debating whether my life is better or worse for it.

Lastly, I was asked about whether I ever found a use for the collar. Why yes, my dog is infinately more obediant just having it on. After the first couple of mild shocks (at the exact same level my husband and I tested it on ourselves using) he's become far more responsive to our commands at the dog park. We actually haven't shocked him since the first day, although it's unlikely that'll last forever. So, yeah, no dog fights in the last few visits.

As for mentioning my curiosity about it as a sex toy, no I never did try it. Not because I'm afraid of it (well only near the metal on my nipples) but because I do have that previously mentioned aversion for sharing my sex toys with my dogs. So very, very few dirty thoughts about the collar have occured since the first day. I still threaten to use it on my husband when he's being disobedient but otherwise, it's pretty much out of range sexually. Which isn't to say I'm not, now, electrically curious. I don't want to get hurt... just... stung. But that's always been my near obsession.

I have this desire to TRY things, but maybe not go all out. I think I'll enjoy them but can't prove it since no one has been willing (or able) to share that particular interest with me to this point. I was wandering through the store I work in the other day and came across some pieces of wood that looked like rulers or paint stir sticks and found myself slapping my hand with it thoughtfully. Mild sting... cheap.... Ah, pervertables. Surely something that's been tried and abandoned by many a kinkster.... but not yet by me.

Okay, okay

I admit that I'm somewhat pathetic. The new boy (who appears to work, like, one day a week) was at the store today. Unfortunately, I didn't get to work near him the entire day. Somehow we ended up on very different schedules and when I tried to get myself moved to work next to him again, he ended up moved elsewhere. So I pretty much missed him for the entire day except for a brief moment when I took over the register he'd been using. He came back because he forgot something and ended up standing very close to me, touching me in that familiar, intimate way that's making me go a little crazy. This time we were almost front to front and I couldn't resist looking up at him... letting myself imagine, for a moment, his mouth... before I remembered that I was at work. Dammit.

I'm working on it being a reasonably nice week. I feel kind of pretty lately. Like maybe a glow a little. I'm still stressed out. But not like I have been. I'm reasonably happy on a daily basis. God only knows why.

Although I did have a dream last night that I got a DUI. It woke me about 20 minutes before my alarm went off and I lay there wondering what the hell that dream was about.

Why oh why can't I just dream about sex?!?

Total loss.

Late on Tuesday night (could have even been Wednesday morning) I realized it was Valentine's day. As I sat there at a computer in someone else's house I knew exactly how I'd be spending my Valentine's day.

The next day my husband and I dressed up, he in his pants, crisp white tailored shirt, and tie, and myself in pants and button down shirt, both of us dressed more carefully than we had been in months. I tied his tie for him and adjusted the tuck of his shirt, at his request. And then we headed out to the funeral.

I must say, of all the Valentine's day outings I can think of, this was perhaps the least expected and certainly not what I would have chosen had it been up to me. The day was certainly a complete and total loss. However, I never expect (or want) much for Valentine's day and it was nice to see my husband so carefully dressed.

The night before I spent part of the evening being both disgusted by and very attracted to one of my husband's relatives. I've always been attracted to him since he's a handsome guy with great flirting skills. He takes flirting from a hobby to a seemingly well planned seduction. I'm envious of his ability to manipulate me so well, even when I know what he's doing. However, my sense of self preservation keeps me from responding. Not to mention my continuing distaste for much of what he does in his life.

But oh, if he weren't family....

Why am I awake?

I have a bunch of stress going on having to do with a funeral (for someone I could pretty much not care less about) and the family's inability to make a concrete decision about anything. I waited for two days before finding out for sure what was going on at which point I told my place of work when I'd need to be off... and then the family changed the fucking date. So on my day off I get to go in to work and return the keys I accidentally took home with me and then see what's going on with the schedule. I'm fucking irritated.

AND I found my first grey hair in 10 years. I plucked it out, staring at it disbelievingly. What the fuck?


There are at least three men I look at lustfully while I'm at work. One I see hardly ever at all and I don't know why the fuck I find myself wanting to get into his pants. It's very obviously more about the way he acts than anything else. I found myself considering the way his hair would stick to the nape of his neck as he fucked me. I'm not the world's biggest fan of sweat... but the visualization was strong. Another reminds me very much of the guy who used to stand in front of me at the bus stop when I was in high school. A guy who sexy broad shoulders. The one that made me obsessed with sexy broad shoulders. This guy has them, too. And he's funny. And a good teacher, one of the few (only?) people I've ever worked with who not only knows his stuff but is very good at teaching it to others without coming across as a know-it-all. I find myself wondering what else he's knowledgeable about... and wanting very much to find out. The third I mentioned recently. The new boy who may or may not be as sexy as I think he is. I didn't see him today.

A guy came in who looked very much like Nils. Similar uniform and everything. I had to do a double-take. But it wasn't him at all. It never will be.

And I got to flirt with another customer. I'm trying to remember how. I asked him for his number (as is my job). He declined, with some comment about me calling him. I reminded him it wasn't for personal use then added that perhaps it could be afterall. "My wife wouldn't like that much," he said with a grin. I whispered back "she wouldn't have to know." "I've heard that before," he told me. Which sent me into a fit of giggles. I bet he has. I never did get his number.

Excuses.

I kind of thing of myself as somewhat progressive about some things. Which is the most useless sentence I may have ever written. What I'm trying to say is that I think of myself as being fairly sexually free. I still have my "issues" (spades of them) but for the most part other than an occasional "squick" and a few "that is NOT for me" thoughts I'm pretty okay with other people's sex lives and their choices therein.

However, things I'm NOT particularly into... watching two people have live sex while not participating myself. Now, watching two (or more) people have sex on camera in a video is FINE with me. Perfectly FINE.

The thing that kind of freaks me out... having the people I've watched have sex on camera actually comment on my blog. Oh. My. God. It's both a cool brush with "celebrity" and an unexpected melding of fantasy and reality. It'd be one thing if it'd been something more cerebral... but I ought to just be honest and admit (joyfully) that I came a couple of times. So to actually have any sort of real contact at ALL with the folks I've come to is... well, it's mind boggling to me.

Anyway, so I sat down after watching the movie the first time and started writing a review. I watched it again and wrote just a bit more. And then came across the comment the couple left on my blog. And then I stopped writing either the review or in my blog at all. Because I was distracted by real life, not inspired to write, and of course somewhat freaked out knowing that the couple could (and maybe WOULD) read my review. I mean, shoot, it's like writing a review of someone's sex life. Obviously, it's NOT... but well... you can see how I'd think of it that way. So I had to rethink it. Bad enough to be pretty sure that Tony Comstock would read it, worse to have the "characters" do so as well.

Not that I have too much bad to say. Just a couple of things I would have preferred.... really more in a "if it had been up to me" kind of critique which is actually pretty fucking awesome compared to any other porn I've seen. But it still gave me pause.

Anyway, maybe I'll write it. Maybe not. No big deal either way, really. Not like anyone's waiting for it. But that's my excuse for the long delay. Well, several excuses.

...crush?

So I met a new boy at work. And you know, I didn't gaze longingly at him but I think he's okay looking. Familiarity will either change that to thinking he's desperately sexy or utterly revolting. In the future, I'll either look at what I'm about to write with a wry smile or with a sneer of disgust. But, what can I say? It's that time of the month and I'm horny.

There's a register at work that's partially broken. They still insist on making people work at that register. Today it was him. Each register shares a horse-shoe shaped counter with another register so we mostly stand back to back (far apart enough to not touch). However, because the register he was at is broken he kept having to come over to mine to finish his transactions. Which is to say he would stand very close behind me, sometimes. Occasionally, his hand would touch me here or there on my side or back either to guide me a bit out of his way or to make me aware of his presence so I wouldn't run into him. And I found it fucking erotic as hell.

I have this minor obsession with being touched and held and caressed and fucked from behind. Maybe it's a bit of my own selfishness (oops, can't reach you, guess you'll have to concentrate on ME) and maybe it's a bit of my own shyness(you can't see me so I can just utterly relax and give into the sensations) but it's an important part of my fantasies. So every time he'd touch me I'd find myself silently and inconspicuously aroused. It was really, really nice. We talked very briefly and he seems like he might be a really cool guy.

Not that I want to get my meat where I get my bread. But. You KNOW how much I enjoy a good flirtation with a sexy guy.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night apparently dreaming about Sam. It made me sad to think I won't probably ever see him again. I guess I'm still mourning him a little. I really liked him. Which, of course, made me think of Nils. *sigh*

Collar

Today we went to the store and bought an electric collar for one of our dogs. I've never been a fan of the collars for but have recently discovered that it's possibly much safer for my dog (and other dogs) for him to have the collar than to have him attacking other (smaller) dogs at the dog park and getting hit by other dogs' owners (as happened last week) when he tries to jump up and take a chunk of fur out of their precious poodles. Generally he's great with other dogs but out of ever 50 he meets, one ends up being a problem for him and he's nearly impossible to control at great distances, so we're hoping this will help. Okay, okay, enough of the defense of the collar.

So, we brought it home and charged it and I immediately had to try it. There's no way in hell I'm going to put something like that on my dog without testing it on myself first. Needless to say after the initial fear of even trying it, and the initial shock of the sensation, it's not that bad. It can be vaguely painful at the higher levels, but not in such a way as to be unmanageable, I think. After I tested it, husband tested it, too. Then I tried it on myself again.

And then I got to thinking. Lots of people are into e-stim (as they call it) during their "sm" play. Having experienced just the barest taste, I got to wondering whether any of those people have considered electric collars on human bits (surely they have) which led me to wondering about the sensation against a nipple. Or in my case, my nipple piercing. Would I end up with a cooked nipple? Or just some intense, interesting sensations? Which led me to wondering about the possibility of using the collar somewhere further south. Across the wetter, juicier bits.

While I don't think I'm particularly interested in sharing my sex toys with my dog (in ANY way) I find the idea very interesting. I shared this line of thought with my husband and while he managed not to have a look of horror, he certainly cringed a bit and asked me, teasingly, what the hell is wrong with me. Obviously it's not something he's interested in, and while I'm curious, I can't say it's overwhelming curiosity.

However, after considering the "damage" I could do to myself using the collar I started considering Keith. Keith has been my "go to guy" for many fantasies and delightful memories. One of the things I don't think I went into any particular detail about was the fact that I discovered (long after our encounters) that he was very much a masochist and very subby. At the time I found the idea only vaguely intriguing. I've always thought of myself as being more sub and never found much interest in exploring the other side of things. However, whenever I hit on delightful toy ideas (like alternative uses for the collar) which have the potential to be quite painful, I think of Keith and the pleasure we both might have found in the experience....

Often Tired

I'm about to go to bed. However, I thought I might as well write a bit.

Work is going okay. Not great, not bad. I'm used to being somewhat of a stand-out employee and in this case I'm clearly new and quite middle of the road. I expect more of myself. However, I'm not doing badly, which is fine.

I worked my first night shift and discovered that the vast majority of the young, hot guys come in during the evenings. The "yuppy" sort (if anyone still calls them that), whom I adore. One particular cutie came in and amused me with his mock-outrage over a particular item that was special-order only. I even managed to flirt a little with a couple other particularly fine men which really made my night. I'm endlessly grateful for my last job and the confidence in gave me in interacting with all sorts of people, but specifically hot guys. Where I would have avoided eye contact and found conversation impossible, I'm much more able to interact. While it might not seem like much to some, to me it's amazing.

Meanwhile, with husband around and a lack of time (as evidenced by the fact that I haven't written in a while) I've managed not to masturbate for... days. And there have been a few times recently where I've found myself almost overwhelmingly horny. Tonight I managed to masturbate myself to a particularly amazing orgasm. It's been a bit too long since I've cum, and even longer since I came as hard as that. I fucking love cumming. I adore masturbating. Frankly, I'm currently in a bit of a situation where I'm pretty fucking satisfied with myself and not all that interested in getting anyone else to help.

Well, okay, that's not really true. If some sexy piece of ass managed to fall into my lap I'd absolutely not turn him down. I could use some deep, passionate kisses. However, I'm just not digging the idea of getting naked with anyone, of late.

So yeah, that's what's up with me.

Frustrated.

I was thinking about the last time husband and I had sex and really, I have no idea, anymore, when it was. Before the trip here. Before October. Before the summer? It's so hard to remember. So no, the husband hasn't been putting out lately anymore than ever. He would have the other night but... I'm pretty much done going down that road with him. In a way I can't even explain.... Like, I can do sexual things with him but... not fucking. Naw. Even kissing has become something I avoid from him. When he wants to kiss me I tend to act much more bored and irritated than I actually am. I don't even know why I do that. Payback for the way he would act when I wanted to fuck?

Whatever the case, I'm increasingly intolerant of him at ALL. I regularly feel like smashing a fist into his face which isn't really a nice feeling. Especially when I know my irritation is completely unfair in most cases. And what's really confusing is I want to be around him and I love the way he makes me laugh (and I love making him laugh, too). I keep wondering if it would be easier if I just labeled him a roommate and tried to think of him in that way completely... if it'd help with my continual irritation or if being stuck with him as a roommate would only make it worse.....

I don't know what I'm thinking, really.

Okay, okay, I was thinking about coming onto him tonight, trying to get him into bed with me in a carnal way. But it just doesn't seem worth the effort and the anger I'd feel at the inevitable rejection....

Work and Desire

So I have a couple of days off. Thursday I go to another job interview for another part time job. Supposedly it's flexible. Hopefully it's as flexible as I need it to be. Something to accommodate my first job.

As for my first job, I spent Saturday and Sunday there and definitely think I like it. There's a fair number of repeat customers that come in, although mostly I recognize the older couples and the women for some reason. Too many of the men, cute or otherwise, seem the same. And I spend a lot of time keeping my eyes peeled for people I went to high school with, hoping NOT to run into any of them....

Meanwhile, I'm starting to feel a lot better. In general. In most parts of my life. Not all of them. But... some. Having a job, getting to be around people, smiling so much my cheeks hurt... it's all good for me. I'm not ALWAYS happy, but I'm happier. And horny.

Last night I could have had sex with husband. But I found myself mostly annoyed. I keep forgetting what a good lover he's proven himself to be the last time or two we've made love (so, so long ago). I think of Keith, mostly. I have short films in my head that I run through sometimes, thinking of the various things I've done with various men... always how they fell short. But I never come up with any of that regarding Keith. Only of the almost endless pleasure we shared.

Hells bells, he's messed me up when it comes to other men.

First REAL day

My tongue piercing has been out for the last 24 hours. I kind of miss it. But... not a lot. Having my mouth free of anything poke-y is rather nice. I still find myself fiddling with my tongue as if the barbell was still there... but it's gone. And done with. It was kinda fun while it lasted.

Meanwhile, I had my first day of working at the new store. I might very much like it. I deal with a hell of a lot of men. And it seems like the women are pretty pleasant, too. I mean, like, there are some really hot guys who come in. And after working at the last store, I've learned to be waaay less shy than I used to be. It's really kind of funny to me that were you to ask any one of the people I work with if I'm shy they'd almost certainly find the idea strange. And while I still have my moments of silence and discomfort, I'm just so much more outgoing than I used to be. I had a lot of conversations with a lot of people today, both that I work with and that I don't. It was really great....

We'll see how I feel about it a few weeks from now (and a few months) but for now... I'm totally stoked. I just wish I had more hours....

Inspiring!

So I drove to work (an hour) and worked for a half hour and then drove home. Not a bad day's work. THat's like what.. $3.00 after taxes? Yeah. Well worth it. Really. Uh oh, was that bitter, angry SemSex coming out? Yes, yes it was.

I'm seriously considering looking for a second job. In fact, I might just be interviewing for one next week. They say the hours are "flexible" which should work out well for me since it'd be a second job and all.

On a side note, Tony of Comstock Films left me a note a few entries back announcing the Great Comstock Films Ipod Give Away (or you know, the name HE'S calling it...). Inspired by yours truly. That's right, I inspire people to give away their ipods. That right there is a beautiful thing. I told Husband of this and he asked why the hell *I* don't get a free one. I laughed and told him, "yeah, I should enter... oh, wait... I already HAVE an ipod." Anyway, I'm thrilled to have had any sort of hand in something cool like inspiring anyone to do anything at Comstock. Because, you know, I dig their style. I really do.

So little time...

So yesterday I woke up early, but it turns out it wasn't quite early enough to get me to work on time. I was only a couple of minutes late, but if there's one thing I loathe it's tardiness. I'm NEVER late. In fact if anything I'm usually about 20 minutes early. This really doesn't have much to do with much, but I have to point out that my commute to work takes about an hour. Because of traffic. The same is true for my commute home. Unless it's during non-rush-hour traffic at which point it takes about 20 minutes.

Once I got home I lay down pretty much immediately. For a 20 minute nap. I woke up several hours later to force myself to go to the store. And then came back home and went to sleep.

I sleep all the time. Hopefully once all the learning is done I'll be able to stay awake when I'm not FORCED to. Because this sucks....

Well, I'll be.

So I really didn't see so much of anyone, again, today. However, I got a better look at the new boy (who will be working as far from me in the store as possible) and while he's still not my type... he's not too bad. He was wearing a... foreign jacket... I won't name names but with his looks and his jacket if he's not a first generation immigrant his parents both are. I suspect the former. All I'm saying is that Lola from Lola On... would adore him. And I can respect that. But he's just too young.

I was thinking the other part where I said that my trainer is Asian seemed a little out of place. One must not forget I have a bit of a fetish for Asian men so....

Anyway, I wandered through the store and got a look at a couple of hotties here and there. Customers, of course. But enough to bring a smile to my face. Yay. Hopefully by the end of the week I'll be suffering through serving customers... and mooning over the hot guys again....

First day

I spent the day in front of the computer. It was not exciting. I thought I was going to die of tired most of the way through the day. And then at the end, too. Oh, it was a long, long day. The computer was not a hot and sexy man. It was very disappointing. My trainer is not a hot and sexy man. He is asian. Which is cool. But that's all I have to say about him. The guy I'm training "with" is one of those young, urban emo white boys... well... at least that's my take on him. Nothing that interests me. In fact, I'm pretty sure there are NO guys I want to fuck who work there. Well, possibly one, but I only saw his reflection in a window. Not much to go on.

I'm under the impression tomorrow will be more of the same....

First Day

My first day of work is here. Well, my first day of training. For the first time in my work history I actually get three days of not-on-the-job training. Which is really pretty funny to me since I'm now quite comfortable with the basics (and some of the advanced parts) of the work I do and really just need the specifics having to do with this particular company. But whatever. Three eight-hour days of training, I was told. It's going to be a long three days. After that, though, it'll go down to part time which is NOT what I want. But you do what you've got to do. I'm almost certainly going to need a second job, especially since the husband isn't working.

In some ways I really have enjoyed the time I've spent sitting around doing nothing. But I guess it's time to get back into the real world. It'll be nice to have real-world conversations with people who aren't related to me by blood or marriage....

So today... today I look forward to possibly being bored out of my mind. But soon... maybe, just maybe, I'll get to start talking to lots of people again. And hopefully at least a few of them will be hot, sexy men.

Porn in the mail!

I'm gonna work on updating my blog template a little. Maybe. I started. I clicked a couple of buttons. Saved the old template. Yeah, exciting, I know. It's dramatic and different. The drawback being, mostly, that I've currently lost my blogroll. Which pretty much sucks since that's the main way I access everyone else's blogs. Not that I can't put it back. I just don't want to go through the effort right now.

Moving on, I bought Matt and Khym: Better Than Ever, like, last year. First off, I wonder what it must be like to be the couple who was filmed, is there an impatience to see the finished product and find out the outcome? Or do they have regrets? I mean, they're human right? I always wonder about the aftermath, good bad, or indifferent. Anyway, there's a tangent for you. Regardless, I've been staring at Khym's nose ring, but I haven't been able to bring myself to watch it, yet. For three major reasons, first is that my sexual pleasure has so little to do with my husband these days that the idea of watching porn and or masturbating in front of him makes me uncomfortable (and we're together ALL THE TIME, these days).

Second, I'm a little concerned over my emotional state in regards to the movie. The other movie from Comstock that I own, Marie and Jack: A Hardcore Love Story was really trying for me, emotionally. The lovers' affection and passion for one another was evident and beautiful and it left me feeling bereft in my own life. Watching them together reminded me very much of what it felt like to me to be with Keith last year. And while I can't say he and I even had the potential to continue on that sort of path, I was left aching for his touch and the affection he showed me while we were together. I really only watched the movie twice, once with commentary and once without. I had a wonderful orgasm but walked away not really sure what to make of the experience. I might watch the movie NOW and wonder why the hell I had such an emotional reaction, but I've been unwilling to chance it. When it comes to Matt and Khym I'm really concerned I'm going to be left in the same state, aroused and elated by the movie... and at the same time feeling empty in my own life.

The third reason, and really the most pressing of them is that I can't find my computer's speakers since the move. While I'm sure the movie has the potential of being pleasurable without the commentary... really, it's an integral part of the movie. Sound is very arousing to me. In phone sex, I've found myself most excited by the catches of breath and moans a man makes as he nears orgasm far more than by the words. Missing that in a movie makes even the sexiest scene seem sterile. On the other hand, so does the painfully fake moaning, grunting orgasms of the silicone-sex flicks. Without the speakers... well... it's definitely not the same. Especially when it comes to these particular movies.

I could use the DVD player on the tv, but that very much goes back to the first situation. I can reasonably sit in the corner with my computer and masturbate without feeling uncomfortable about the situation, but the apartment is so small that it's very difficult to watch TV without my husband knowing exactly what it is I'm watching. It shouldn't be a big deal, and in a way it's not... but it kind of is. Knowing he's aware and choosing to remain uninvolved makes it very hard to relax and enjoy a movie.

I'm reminded of an entry Tony Comstock made on his blog (which referenced my blog) regarding ipods and the future of porn on them. For the last month or so of my last job I avidly listened to Violet Blue's Open Source Sex podcast while I worked alone. It made closing up the store a much more pleasant, interesting affair. I also used it at home, on occasion, to masturbate. It was VERY effective. Since the computer is my main source of porn (and thus masturbatory fulfillment) it's helpful to have the ipod so I can take my porn elsewhere, namely the bedroom. I've yet to masturbate to a movie on the ipod. I've watched and enjoyed some of the podcasts offered by Comstock, but never actually came to them. It might be interesting to try to rip the movie to my ipod (if that's possible) just to try it out.

If I can find some damned headphones.

Stupid blogger still won't let me publish comments like they used to. You know, type and THEN sign in and publish. No, sir. That'd make too much sense. Afterall, it's just the way they've always done it, why continue? Ugh.

I start my part time job on Monday. I'm trying to get in with a full time job. Maybe I'll have both. Maybe I won't feel overwhelmed. My husband, meanwhile, is not working at getting a job at all. And no, he doesn't want to go out. To the store. Or anything. "Next thing you know, I won't be willing to leave the bedroom." Funny, that's exactly how I was feeling just about a week ago. And two weeks ago, too. Get out of bed? What the fuck for?

I'm starting to feel slightly more alive these days.

Oh, and that Magic Bullet thing they keep advertising on TV? I'm totally sold. I don't know how or why but I want one so bad I'm tempted to put it on credit. And I NEVER put ANYTHING on credit. Except, every single time I see the ad or hear the name I immediately think magic bullet... is that a vibrator? At which point I start looking for ways in which the magic bullet is shaped similarly to a dildo. Maybe that's part of the reason I really want one. Sex sells.

I'm still not looking for a lover. It struck me the other day as I was in the shower that I cannot for the life of me remember the last time I got fucked. Oh, wait. I vaguely remember, now. It was with that cop at the hotel. I suppose it's only been 4 or 5 months. Only. God damn.

Ah, sweet relief

I'm looking at the likelihood of having not one, but two jobs. I'm really not sure that I'll take or keep both, and I'm having problems deciding which one to take. One would be more pleasurable to me, I think. The other has all the money and benefits. While money isn't everything, the first job doesn't (yet) offer enough to live on and the second would. Easily. So, yeah. I find myself vaguely fraught trying to pick. We'll see. Something will work out, no doubt.

Thank god things are finally starting to come together a little. I can start getting out of the house, moving around, making money and rejoining society. And then... hopefully, I'll get at least a little of my confidence back. Maybe have something fun to write about.

I woke up this morning thinking about Keith. I haven't heard from him forever....

The laptop.

So last night my husband came to bed looking pensive. I didn't think much of it, I was tired and more than ready to get some sleep. "Umm... have you had a problem with the laptop turning off for no reason?" "No," I told him, ready to turn off the light. "Umm. I wasn't looking at porn or anything but the laptop turned off and it won't come back on." Which only made me laugh. You'd think I'd be upset. The laptop's broken? Great. But no, all I can think is "you weren't looking at porn"? I shook my head at him, "it's probably because you were looking at porn" I got up to go look at the laptop and punch futilely at the power button. "I wasn't looking at porn," he swore. "Right, other than the porn," I replied. "I wasn't looking at porn!" he repeated, adding "I was THINKING about looking at porn, but I wasn't, yet." "You know," I mused, "I believe the computer knew you were going to look at porn and it died inside."

Good times.

So I masturbated (unexpectedly!) to some porn tonight. I came across it (so to speak) accidentally and found myself turned on enough to masturbate myself to orgasm within about... two minutes.

First off, what is it about me fucking men that makes 2 minutes suddenly take 20 or an hour? Gah. It's very frustrating. If I could come in 2 minutes with a lover, I could come at least twice. Plenty of time for clitoral rest in between orgasms....

Anyway, I'm pretty much using lube and a finger and skipping an internal device. No vibrator, no dildo, nothing. Which is rather a bit unlike me. However, I've discovered that really my vibe is just inconvenient. It's just that much too long for me to comfortably position myself so that it's hands-free. Furthermore, my "splurge" purchase a while back, while occasionally okay... just doesn't fit me as well as I'd like so it's almost painful to use. Lastly, my barbell is just not girthy enough to provide the sensation I crave. Unfortunately, I simply can't afford to add to my small collection right now. Which is really a shame.

So the good news about it is that after two months of not having anything inside me was pretty fucking awesome, the last time. And I'm considering putting myself off that way again. Maybe the next thing inside me will be a lovely cock and I can enjoy the sensation of being penetrated for the first time in a long while... and having it be by something with the proper dimensions.

If only I could do that two minute orgasm with the hypothetical guy....

The fact is...

I switched to the beta (although of course now they say they're out of beta) and I fucking loathe it. Okay, okay.. it's not so much the new blogger that I loathe so much as I get frustrated everytime I type out a comment on other peoples blogs only to discover I have to sign on using my google account. Except when I do that my entire comment (usually long... I'm wordy) disappears. So I close the browser and leave the computer. Yeah, it pisses me off. Just a little. My frustration with that bleeds over to my feelings about the blog. Avoidance is the better part of me not breaking the mother fucking computer over this. Or something.

My schedule is all fucked up (I'm slowly working on righting it... but waking up at 3:30 in the morning wasn't in the plan). I STILL don't have a job and I'm getting super pissed. I cannot begin to understand why I haven't been hired even at the entry level positions I've put in for. Entry level in retail, which I've been doing for 10 god damned years. Ridiculous. I get passed over for the higher positions, too. What. The. Fuck?!? It's not rocket surgery, for christ sake. I'm starting to worry that it has something to do with my background check. Except it shouldn't. There's NOTHING negative there. So, anyway, I'm guessing I'm going to have to give in and put in for unemployment which I don't feel really good about. But whatever, that's what it's there for, I suppose.

So, my life is filled with frustration. My orgasms are few and far between (like three whole days can go by!) and my sex life is nothing. Which isn't really a problem for me right now. Despite being jobless I feel like I don't have any TIME (thanks to my fucked up sleep schedule) and frankly, I don't feel like wading through scores of assholes looking for a decent guy to fuck. Searching for a sex partner I think of as worthy is not an easy thing for me as I go through whole weeks and months contacted solely by men who are clearly "special needs" when it comes to women. No thanks. It depresses me. I happen to KNOW there are many great, fuckable men out there. But not all that many of them are local, online, and into me.

Despite all the frustration, I'm somewhat less depressed than I was. For now. Getting a job... and hopefully it being a job I don't hate... will go a long, long way to putting me back on an even keel. And make me my blog a LOT more interesting....

Ha!

Turns out even though I left my piercing out for over 12 hours yesterday I was still able to get the stud back in (when I found it) with very minimal discomfort. It didn't even hurt. Oh, thank goodness. I took it out when I went to my job interview and when I came home and put it back in it was only slightly more uncomfortable. However, when I asked someone who deals with the public at that particular location to point me toward the person I was supposed to interview with... I saw that she has a labret. I figure if she's allowed to wear a very obvious metal labret I might be allowed to keep my tongue as it is. Score. I didn't ask, though. I wasn't really sure how to approach that question, yet.

Husband and I were in the car today and I whined to him about the fact that I miss so many of the men I used to talk to at the old store. Specifically, Sam. Husband asked me if I'd tried adultfriendfinder around here. Uh no, not really. The whole point is that I miss the pleasure of having a crush, a crush on a nice man who'd entertain my crush.. without... you know... ruining it with toooo much reality. It was okay that he didn't want me, too. I mean... maybe reality would have been as good as the fantasy... but unlikely. My fantasy of him was pretty amazing.....

So yeah, no men around like that for me right now... and it's SOOOO disappointing. You men of the world are going to have to do WAY better than that.

Note to Keith: dude. I emailed you. Again. There's a perfectly useable email address on the address bar of this web page if you've actually forgotten my address. Not to mention you should be able to leave me an offline message on yahoo!

Misery.

I suppose technically my blogger photo is a lie these days. I took out my tongue piercing this morning. I've been thinking about trying to put it back in just to see if I still can almost 12 hours later... but I can't find the damned stud. So... so much for that. I can't help but suspect it's part of the reason I'm still not having a job. So that's the lie. The photo. At least, now it is. *sigh*

I'm having a shitty, shitty life these days. I'm bitter and angry at my husband for making me come here instead of us continuing our lives the way they were. It suited me fine. Although I know he was miserable. But now I am miserable. This is not better.

I'm also really angry because I popped another tire today. And I couldn't just pop the fucker, I have to pop the side wall. This is the second tire sidewall I've popped since moving here. I've never, ever had a popped tire before. I'm grateful that the last time it happened I wasn't alone so I was able to learn how to change the tire and this particular problem set me back all of 15 minutes... but I busted my knuckle on the pavement... and of course I have to replace the mother fucking tire. Because NOTHING IN MY LIFE can be free. Or cost anything less than the price of full replacement, while I have no job. I'm so fucking pissed. The only thing that keeps me from being aggressively angry is that it's not the SAME tire. So eventually I'll buy a new set... tire by tire. I guess this means I have two more months until I replace another....

Also, I have an interview tomorrow at a place I have absolutely no desire to work doing something I have absolutely no desire to do in an area I have absolutely no desire to be. Great! Sign me up. It's funny how these jobs I couldn't give two shits about, I always come across great. The ones I really, really want... not so much. So of course, I'll go in calm and collected and give them whatever answers they want to hear and they'll probably hire me and I'll want to kill myself for the next several months. Or maybe they'll inexplicably NOT hire me and I'll continue to want to kill myself anyway.

I hate my life. I think I'm going to get drunk.

So tired...

Happily, we should be getting all of our household goods tomorrow. I'm so excited to have something other than the floor or a very uncomfortable stool to sit on again. And a bed. A real live bed. And dildos. Oh, it'll feel good to be filled up again.

I only kept my Betty's Barbell dildo because I figured it would be the least recognizable as a sex toy if anyone should happen across it. And of course because I accidentally left it out of my super-secret "sex toy" box the movers packed. A couple of days ago was the first time I used it since before we moved. Having something inside me again was... intense. Fucking awesome, really. I can't believe it'd been somewhere around 2 months since I'd experienced being fucked, even by an inanimate object. Needless to say I'm looking forward to hunting down my nice thick silicon dildos so my pussy has something to squeeze hard with it's orgasm.

Meanwhile, it's 6:30 in the morning and I've slept all of two hours. The movers should be here in about 5 hours... yeah... this isn't a good thing. Me being awake right now. However, it turns out we live right on the flight path of the local international airport as well as next to a big hill on a major arterial for the area, which hosts a surprising number of semi-tractor-trailer-jobbies. You know, the ones with the Jake brakes. Oh, and cars that don't have mufflers. And homies who don't have much left in the way of hearing. I can't believe how much I miss the military base.

Too much time on my hands.

Pondering

I switched to the new blogger. But ugh. I can't bring myself to do anything with it. I should, though. Really....

Meanwhile, I dropped Husband off at work and drove home thinking about The Ex. Actually, I drove home thinking about his kisses. Early in our "relationship" we spent a lot of time kissing. He was a really sexy, sensual guy who understood the value of long kisses and teasing foreplay. Kissing him once meant sex was on its way because I couldn't stop kissing him until he was inside me. His lips made me ache. I commented to him once that he and I shouldn't ever kiss unless we were planning on having sex because it was just too damned hard to stop. And we pretty much stuck to that one.

One night, a few days after he had told me was going to be monogamous with some new girl he kissed me a few times. On the cheek, mostly. But it was enough to raise the hairs on my neck, he turned me on so much. Those kisses were quick, perfunctory and very, very teasing. I told him to stop. We were supposed to be friends, nothing more. Eventually his mouth found mine and I started to respond... then stopped myself, "are you sure?" I asked. He smiled and said the thing with the other girl was over and he knew exactly what he was doing.

Turns out, he was breaking my heart in half. I still wonder if he knew it. But oh, his lips. That night... so many nights....

So tonight as I drove home I drifted back to my memories of his lips. And I found myself wondering if someday, these memories of great lovers will be my best company. Just memories....

Insane

Life is making me crazy. I cry all the time right now. I keep telling myself to focus on the positive and the future and stop dwelling on the present and on the crap going on... but it's awfully hard. Being out of work SUCKS. I lay down at night in this sick, numb state and everytime I try to relax enough to sleep I start crying. It's not good. It'll get better. It will....

I miss Martin. Now more than ever I wish I could sit down and talk to him and have him help me not be so scared. I look up to him in some ways. I could call but it's just not the same.

I miss Keith, too. Although I admit to myself my relationship with him has always been kind of weird. I mean, it was passionate and it had some real potential... but at the same time we delighted in admitting to one another that it'd never work out in the real world. But the sex... and the potential of the sex....

Orgasm

Last night husband and I started touching one another, getting a little frisky. Finally I turned on some really cheap, really bad porn. He took off his glasses and prepared to go to sleep. So I turned off that movie and found something a little more interesting. Watching these two people have sex I sat at the foot of the bed and masturbated while husband pretended to sleep, or whatever it was he was doing. I came silently, holding my breath, trying for complete stillness. After I came I watched the movie for a few more seconds and lay back on the bed, completely spent. I clicked off the tv and basked for a while. I mentioned to husband how pleasurable a good orgasm can be and he asked "you came?! You're subtle." Yeah, well, that was the goal. He didn't want to help out, he didn't get to enjoy it. End of story.

However, a few minutes later husband decided to masturbate and I helped him. Because I'm like that. I love orgasms. What can I say?

For the record...

First off, there's really no chance of me falling in love (or even lust) with the guy I used to date (who's now seeing my sister). In fact, I have no idea why she even wants to be with him. But whatever, I'm trying to be positive about it. However, this morning when I spent some time with them I found myself calling him out for being passive aggressive toward her. While I'm not perfect, it was blatant and it was manipulative and I couldn't just let it go. I rather fear I'm going to have to watch my reactions around that because their relationship is not my deal and I don't want to step into the middle of it. On the other hand, watching someone treat my sister poorly is difficult, at best, to tolerate. So, yeah. There's that.

Meanwhile, since I masturbated this morning I'm getting all hot to get another guy into bed with me. Obviously not just any guy... but not a specific guy, either. Fantasies return to Keith and of course Sam. Damn. Sam's in Iraq right now. And all I can think is that he's probably pretty hard up for sex right now. Not that I want a man on those terms but in his case I also wouldn't refuse him. Like, EVER.

I watched some show where two near strangers were engaged in passionate foreplay and it made me horny. I was waiting in my car for my sister to get off work and I found myself eyeballing every guy who walked by. Unfortunately, being local college boys I found myself utterly turned off by them. Which was disappointing. My sister caught me looking at one guy who actually held no interest for me, I was just trying to decide if I'd do him. I'm sure she thought I was thinking about fucking him, which technically I was, I suppose. I almost felt the need to explain myself but decided it mattered not at all.

I'm troubled, though, because my tastes absolutely run toward the hot military-types and being 0n the left coast that's NOT what I'm finding myself seeing. Hopefully my tastes will, once again, change to reflect what is around me... but for now... I'm so turned off by the locals. *sigh*

Aaaah

They're trying to make me switch to the new blogger. I suppose I should. Just not today.

I came this morning. I was bitter and angry and husband went to take a shower before me, though I'd been planning on the first shower. So I lay back down and thought "hmm... why not?" and proceeded to masturbate to an above average orgasm. And a muuuuuuch better mood. Holy shit, I'm in a better mood, really. I'd totally kiss all you guys right now if I could I'm so in love with the world. Right now that is...

I was thinking maybe I should start working in a hardware store. My first lover was a construction worker. And I like the odds. Or maybe I'll get a real job.

I really wanted to start going to school next month but it turns out in this state, in order not to have to pay an extra $5000, I have to live here for a year in order to be a resident. Ridiculousness. I'm punished for being a former military wife. I'm a bitter, angry woman. I'll get over it, but my dissappointment is palpable. We just can't afford that.

Oh, and our household goods (bed, couch, EVERYTHING) might get here in time for Christmas. That's way too long....

Damn

No job. Makes it really, really hard to feel good about anything at all. It's upsetting. Depressing. Annoying as hell. I got really upset the other day. I'd planned to spend a nice evening drinking. But I still have responsibilities so I put my evening of drunkeness taking care of those. Last night, though....

I drank probably about a bottle of wine last night and proceeded to get really, really friendly with husband. By the end of it, I sucked his cock, eventually making him cum. Up my nose. He caught me off guard. It was funny. Needless to say he was in a very good mood. And I was drunk.

And then I got my period. Which explains the emotional mess I've been as well as my willingness to please. I, unfortunately, shot myself in the foot on that one, though, because as drunk as I was I played with my clit and told husband "wow, I can barely feel it. That sucks..." So still... no orgasm.

And no job. But I said that.

I miss all my boys from my last job. And silent Keith.

Hottie

I went downtown today. Whilst wandering around looking for a particular job interview (for a job I *really* fucking want) I ended up in the wrong building. I met up with a guy in the parking garage elevator who was very gentlemanly. We both went to the next set of elevators and I ended up realizing I was utterly lost. I sighed and when he asked what floor I said something like "I guess I'm going with you guys." I got off at the first floor the elevator stopped on and went back down. But boy was that guy hot. And gentlemanly. It doesn't take much for me these days. A nice suit, a nice attitude... I'll fuck you....

I haven't cum since before we left the other coast.

Imagine.

Look who's still alive!

It took forever, but I finally got my internet back. We don't have jobs, the husband or myself. I'm tossing out applications and resumes like they're candy in the hopes that something sweet will come back to me. I haven't been searching for sex, alas. Who has time? Who can make the effort? Not I, alas. At least not right now. Hopefully no more than a few months....

But I should be around more to write.

I think I once mentioned my sister has been friends with my exboyfriend for years (after all she knew him before I did). In fact they've dated off and on that entire time. He's living (read sleeping) with her these days. I've seen in him EVERY SINGLE DAY since we got here. That's really, really weird. Alls I can say is she's insane for being with him and the very same things that made me drop him like a bad habit continue to annoy me about him. But my husband seems to think he's mostly okay. Except the same things that irritate me about my exboyfriend are the same things that irritate my husband about the guy. Which is kind of funny.

Oh, and no, this isn't "the ex" that broke my heart. I don't think anyone's heart got broken in the ending of THAT relationship.

Missing Him...

Pennsylvania, here we are. Yippee. I swear we drove as slowly as possible today, thanks to some unexplained traffic around fRedneck....

The last couple of days around the house were eventful, to be sure. No time to type and we kept having to make a choice between internet and TV because of the terrible quality of our cable signal and the fact that we'd already shipped the thingie that increases the signal strength. Needless to say... no time for blogging. Just as I suspected. Happily, Days Inn has dog friendly rooms and free high speed internet, so I'm okay again. At least for tonight.

So on to other things...

For some reason the other night husband was complaining that he was horny as hell and in no position to get off. No porn. Nothing. And I literally had a headache. So I helped him out by massaging the grapes. As SNL says. After he came, we both went to sleep. The next night I flipped on some HBO Real Sex On Demand show and watched for a while. Mostly, I find HBO's sex shows anything but erotic. However, in this case I was watching Lou Paget showing women various ways to give hand jobs and took it upon myself to fondle husband in similar ways. It wasn't too long until Husband came.

I went to sleep a while afterward and ended up having a really emotional and sexual dream about Keith. I'm depressed that I didn't get to see him again before I left. I didn't proactively seek him again... which make it my own damned fault. But god damn. The dream was HOT. And I woke up longing for him, again. As I leave Maryland I find myself thinking a lot about the people I'll never see again and hoping he's not one of them....

Preperation for the move.

Today's my last day at work around here. I'm a little heartbroken. Yesterday, my boss told me one of my coworkers is out sick for a couple of days and she was going to have to change the schedule. I'm not allowed to close alone on my last day and there simply weren't enough people to give me a chaperone which leaves me opening. Opening the store I don't fucking WANT to be at. I stared at my boss as she informed me this and I swear to god I started welling up. I'm not particularly ashamed of the fact that I cried a little right then, because I really do have an emotional investment in that store and it's a hard, hard thing for me to leave it. But it's not like I have a choice. Anyway, the very idea of leaving and not even getting to say goodbye hurt me. She told me that I could work half a day at the one store and then spend the end of my day at the other and I freakin' cried anyway. Gah. What'm I going to be like today?!?

This weekend is going to be a busy weekend from hell. Tonight through Monday morning we'll be cleaning and organizing stuff to be packed out at which point, Monday and Tuesday we'll actually be doing the official packing and moving part. Saturday night we have our final, unofficial going away at the local bar, too. Wednesday and Thursday will be spent running around the house cleaning and trying to get our asses ready for the drive cross country. We're down to our last 7 days and I'm sooooooo not ready.

What does this mean to you? Well, in your daily life, nothing, I think. But chances are I MAY post again this weekend and then after that... well... it could be weeks. No telling. I do have my laptop which will be going on the trip with us so if anything good happens I'll surely make sure to share the story. However, I'm not really sure that's a danger, for a while....

Lately

I've become frustrated with my fellow bloggers and their lack of posts. I mean, hello? I'm looking for something to read here! And then I realized that it's been something like a week since I made my last post. Oh. Umm. But that's different....

Needless to say I need to update my sidebar.

This week is my last week of work and then next week we gather ourselves up and head out. My god, my god.... Things still aren't done and there's really no doubt we're going to be rushing around like crazy people next week. It's okay. I'm somewhat mentally prepared.

Today is, however, husband's last day dressing up to play military man for work. I giggled at that and said "yeah, except when we decide to play soldier and peasant." "Peasant?" he repeated sounding amused and confused. "Yeah," I said. That was the end of that conversation. Anyway, he called me to let me know he was mostly out of the military as of like... right now. A month from now he'll be a full blown civilian (and veteran, of course).

I have no new prospects for sex. I haven't heard a peep out of any ANY of the guys I was either sleeping with recently or had the potential to sleep with. I guess it makes leaving much easier in that way.

I may see Martin for the last time on Saturday. In a group setting. Probably not with his girlfriend. That's going to be hard. Because as much as I was irritated with him and somewhat disappointed at times, he matters to me and he's been a very pleasant thought since our time together. I've been happy to know that at least he's nearby, if unavailable. Now that ends and I'm saddened.

Keith had hoped to be here by the time I left. But even with having pushed back my departure almost a full two weeks, I haven't heard from him. Now, I haven't written to him, either. And I should. Just so I can know wha happened to that particular fantasy....

So yeah, things are crazy and disorganized. And won't be getting any better any time soon. But we'll be okay. I hope!

That's Fate For You

Curt came in today. I watched him walk in and set down his stuff, whatever it was, out in the lobby. I was standing in front of the door, sort of. Lacking the protection of the counter I had a moment of panic. I'm not used to being out in the open that way. Kind of amusing. He walked up to me and I gazed at him, "hi stranger," I said. He smiled as he approached. He said something, but it was lost in my nervousness as he got closer. And patted my ass as he passed. I sputtered, laughing, "I can't... I don't... you're SO LUCKY," making no sense at all. He laughed as he continued toward the back of the store. He wasn't the only one in the store at the time. I could tell he was trying to wait until he was... but there were just too many customers coming and going. I treated him normally, irritated at his lack of contact. Thinking how fucking brilliant it is that he appears again the first day of my period.

Men.

Oh, and we still don't know where we're going to live. I do so love suspense....

Picking Up

Sam came into the store yesterday. He stands out more than ever to me because he's wearing a desert uniform. Not very many people around here are (although more than used to) so if I even catch a glimpse of his uniform I'm reasonably sure it's him. And fuck does that color scheme suit him. So he ducked in and my back was to him, but I turned around just in time to catch a glimpse of his uniform. After a second he stepped back from behind the object that was blocking the view and smiled and said "hi," I smiled back and asked "did you think I didn't see you come in? I knew it was you." I suppose I could have just said "I want to fuck your brains out" and meant the same thing... but you know how I am.

I ended up having a dream about him last night, although it wasn't nearly as interesting as I could hope. In the dream after he came and left someone mentioned that he'd broken up with his girlfriend which suddenly made his playfulness toward me make more sense. That was all, unfortunately.

There's also this really hot officer that comes into the store on a regular basis. I'd say at least as regularly as Sam used to. My super religious coworker actually started flirting with him first. I'd never dared because he's an officer AND he's hot. One or the other I can deal with but BOTH? Hardly. But she started flirting with him first and since then I've felt pretty free to talk to him. It's funny, though, because when he's around she gets super giggly. Even when he's not funny. I, at least, manage to avoid THAT because it's just annoying to me when others do it. At least, I TRY to avoid that.

Anyway, the other day he came in while my back was turned toward the door and slammed his hand down on the counter and kept walking. I'm SO used to that kind of interaction with people that I didn't even turn around. However, this means he notices me. And wants me to notice him. Such potential, there. And no time to really explore it. Not that I probably would, anyway. He's an officer. A higher ranking officer, at that. And he's hot.

I also turned my AFF profile back on and set it to the geographical region I'm heading to. I figure it generally takes me a while to warm up to most of the guys who frequent AFF (most of them aren't worth the effort it takes to read their one sentence emails) so I might as well start now. Because... who knows?

Resigned

I'm pretty sure I won't get laid again before we head out for our cross country trip. I've been cold and vaguely craving red meat. A glance at the calendar tells me that time of the month is on its way and I don't have too long to wait. The fact that I couldn't sleep tonight for want of an orgasm suggests I'm probably going to see it tomorrow.

We did a bit more apartment hunting today. Unfortunately, the places that looked most promising are closed on... yeah... Sunday AND Monday. What the fuck are the chances of that? Still, I'm feeling vaguely overwhelmed and like nothing has gotten done this weekend. Great.

There are worse places to be, however.

I'm not nearly as miserable as I sound. I'm SURE it's going to only get more stressful for a while. Another month or so. But after that... things should settle down and life will become "normal" in it's new way.

If I start thinking about it all too much I start freaking out. A step at a time, I say.

A night of unbridled passion (as they say) would really help with the stress level though, let me tell ya....

Morose.

The long silence comes from me retreating into myself a bit. Trying not to think. When I think about the upcoming move I literally feel my throat start to swell and tighten. I considered it for a while and discovered it's actually completely stress related. In fact, thinking about it... and thinking about what's caused it is causing my throat to tighten up again. Oh joy. Thus the reason I've been avoiding writing. About ANYTHING.

I haven't heard from Curt. I won't venture any further guesses as to what that's about. Time's too short to worry.

I'm still talking to Trian. I'm going to be sorry to end that friendship... but that's what distance does.

I don't know what's going on with Keith. He's supposed to be coming to live around here... but as the time grows closer he's grown more distant. How appropriate.

I'm really done with Whit, too. I have no interest in going to see him again. He thought he was sick with a rather unfortunate, chronic illness that was sapping his libido and energy. Turns out he's fine. Makes a girl feel good. Not. It just isn't worth it to me.

I found the best shirt ever on t-shirt hell. Well, it might not be the best ever, but it plays to my weaknesses.... Also, I really hope they don't change the link to something weird. That'd be unfortunate.

Anyway, my sex life is barren. The rest of my life is pretty much filled with stress. Great.

Future Things and an Orgasm

I ended up talking to Trian for a while today. He came in and stood around talking to me for a good 15 minutes or so. I very much enjoy talking to him. It was funny, though, because he's mentioned before that he might have to rent out the basement of his house in order to pay his mortgage in the future. It got me to thinking, once. Since then I've had the odd feeling that he was thinking I'd make a good room mate, though he's never said anything.

Today while he was talking to me he looked very thoughtful and asked me what I thought I might do if I do happen to go back home and decide that I really DON'T want to be with my husband anymore, if I'd given much thought to what I would do then. I admitted I'd given it SOME thought. He smiled and said "maybe you'd want to rent my basement...." I suppose I should make it a point to thank him for the offer, but I already told him that once I left the area I was very unlikely to return. "I have nothing really holding me here," I told him. Which is true.

Although I came home and considered Keith coming here and... well... dammit. Nothing holding me here, I said. Dammit! I refuse to think about it any further....

Not too much else going on. Plenty of stress revolving around the move. Not a lot of time spent doing much other than day dreaming about the men I can't have. Including, but not limited to Curt. In fact, who the fuck knows what's going on with that man. No call. Nothing. Maybe it was about the chase. Whatever the case, absence fails to make my heart grow fonder so much as it irritates me and makes me look elsewhere. Or in this case start looking forward to getting back home and to a new crop of men there....

Lastly, I downloaded a few more of Violet Blue's older podcasts. I listened to them on my ipod while I was getting the store ready to be opened. One of them was a semi-dirty story. Which left me wet and wanting. Just in time to open the store. It made me smile a little, secretly. After I got home I found another of the stories and went upstairs to masturbate. I remain utterly shocked and amazed at how fucking amazing my orgasms are from listening to the stories. I cried out loud, in near shock, biting down on my pillow as the orgasm crashed over me. It was that good. Seriously. Stunning.