When you have an affair (or if you had an affair) how do you make clear that
it's not supposed to be a lasting relationship, but only a sexual relationship
that probably includes going out, having fun, but no responsibilities or
obligations a real partner would probably have? Sometimes words are not enough
to make clear where the border between a real relationship and an affair is.
Like - when you usually do not cook for anybody but your real partner, and your
new lover asks you to cook for him/her when s/he comes over for another night to
have sex with you. Would you cook for your affair anyway, just to make him/her
feel comfortable? Or would you set a clear border in a situation like that and
tell him/her that you're not going to give all that you usually offer in a
lasting relationship, because there's still got to be a difference, as long as
your affair doesn't want a real relationship with you? Where are your borders
between a real relationship and an affair?
I admit I tend not to consider my "affairs" as affairs. I'm not sure I've ever even considered the word. I tend to think of them as something more like affairs. Between husband and I we almost ALWAYS refer to anyone I'm seeing as my boyfriend and as my outings as dates. However, when it comes down to being careful to seperate the idea of a real relationship vs. a sexual one the easiest way seems to be to keep a careful distance. It's entirely possible to be friendly and even social and still keep a certain almost professional distance. Generally, I prefer to prepare ALL of my boyfriends with the idea that despite the lack of sex my marriage is quite secure and I am most definately NOT looking for a new husband.
On the other hand, with the ex we lacked that certain distance. The first time he and I slept together I spent 24 hours with him, eating, sleeping, watching tv. It was very domestic. I spent many other nights with him and seeing as he cooked for me, I brought over dinner and cooked for him, too. There was never any question with him that we would not persue a "real" relationship but we enjoyed the trappings of one. It's a wonderful thing to get together and share that whole "being in love" feeling without feeling like there was any pressure to move on to something serious and monogamous.
I guess my boarders, to this point are kind of blurry. There is very little I wouldn't do for a lover that I would do for my husband. Money is a sticking point, though, because there are things that I won't do TO my husband. Anything that makes him too uncomfortable becomes a problem. That's maybe where my boarder is. Where ever he and I negotiate it to be. But it's not yet come to that point.
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