Weird experience

So I met this guy online. Using cams. Just talking for hours. And eventually it came out that I tend to be submissive. Alright, I offered it up. I've never REALLY played the submissive role. I was curious what it would be like. His curiosity was piqued. He asked me to do a few things for him on cam. I tend to be shy about that sort of thing thanks to the remote possibility someone might be recording it. But if anyone wanted to record they should have done it years ago back when I was more willing to get naked on cam. And wilder.

He asked me to do something I didn't want to do. I've done it before but on my own volition. Careful planning involved. He asked me to do it and I didn't want to. Not at all. But I did it because he wanted me to. And I cried, though he didn't know it. He wanted to to cum for him. And I tried. But I couldn't do it. And I cried for that, too. Though he didn't know it. I told him I wasn't able. We moved on.

He offered to do something specific that would please me if I did something for him in exchange. The thing that had made me cry in the first place. I did it gladly, and willingly. Tearless. I was so close to cumming it wasn't funny. But he had to go.

So I came alone.

Again.

I've always wondered what it would be like to be submissive to the point where I would choose to do something that drove me to tears of mental anguish in order to please my master. How it would feel at the time. How it would feel after. At this moment I still feel the tears welling in my eyes. And the after-glow of orgasm throughout my body. I'll see how I feel about it after sleep.

Maybe submission isn't for me. Or maybe it really really is.

I have a date with Frank (whom I haven't seen in months) for later today. He said he'd call me and we'd meet up. I look forward to that like the desert misses the rain (to quote that painfully repetitive song). I'm so lonely. And I miss his touch. It's weird how I went from being ambivalent to needing to see him RIGHT NOW.