Blue

I find myself feeling... lost. Confused. Overwhelmed. Things are happening so fast. Too fast for my poor little brain to handle, at times. I've had it thrown back into my face that I am not who I think of myself as. I'm not the person I see myself as. And it tears me up.

And I'm trying so fucking hard not to think about him. The fantasy. The reality. Whatever. I'm fighting myself to let go. To not think about him. But I do. All the time. And the more time I let things just... slide... the more it hurts because it feels a little like cutting off a limb. Or maybe a finger. Either way, it's not a comfortable sensation. And I know all I have to do to make it stop is put down the god damned knife....

I feel like I've somehow fucked everything up for myself and I can't quite figure out how to make it right. Pull myself together. Get shit done. Easy enough in theory. But I'd rather just sit here and stare blankly at nothing lost in my own feelings of... just whatever.

But I'm tired. So tired. I slept most of the day away. Tomorrow won't be much better. And as I stare at the clock, knowing the ungodly hour I'm looking at... I think about him... wondering what he's doing at this very moment. And telling myself the answer doesn't really matter at all.

I took a sleeping pill. My brain will cease for the night and I'll be able to sleep, soon. And maybe tomorrow I'll crawl out of bed ready for another day. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to force myself to go to the gym, again. Maybe I'll stop wanting to cry, swallowing my tears down past the lump in my throat.

I ought to know better than to stay up this late. I get this way. Tomorrow... it has to be better.

I sat and worked on a scrapbook of husband's father. I held one of the cards he gave his wife for their anniversary. Our anniversary is coming up later this month. I wonder that husband could never give me a card that says what his father chose. I'm just not who I think I am. Not who I should be. It makes me sad not only to have lost this wonderful man but to know that despite all the flaws in my husband... I'm really maybe just not good enoug for him.

I should know better than to stay up this late. I should.