Growing up there were a lot of weird things that happened in my house. A lot of them. Things that I never realized were weird, and in fact have slowly been finding out are weird. It's one of the many, many reasons I don't want children. What if I discover that something I think is perfectly normal to do to or with your children is really something super fucked up that never occurred to me as being super fucked up because I grew up with it? Yeah, there are have been realizations, some of them within the last few years.

As I've gotten older and realized how really terrible my very young life was, I've also realized that it wasn't just the doing of one or two people, but rather a strange amalgamation of events and people who found one another and discovered a mutual love of perversion and abuse all converging on me.

Even more recently I've been introduced to the knowledge that one of my close relatives raped someone, once. And apparently, at some point intended to do the same thing to me, if he was able to get close enough. It's awfully hard to explain it all, but it's really shocking to discover something like that.

I spent a lot of years trying to figure out sex. I spent several years enjoying casual sex and sex that was less casual. As hard as it has been for me to figure out my place in this world, I can't help but be thankful that it wasn't made a lot harder by this man. As it is, I find myself already mentally recoiling from sexuality just having learned this thing.

I don't know where this knowledge will take me. I hope I'm able to process it and quickly move on without dwelling too much. Especially since I'm a dweller! Big time.

Forgetting to title...

Sweat sweat sweat. The North West in the middle of a ridiculous heatwave. Thank god for fans and portable A/C. It's too bad it's not central air. God, I miss the East Coast where all the reasonable people have central air. I mentioned this to my husband and he responded "you just miss all the military boys." Yeah. That, too.

I wandered through the kitchen and god... everything needs to be cooked. Hot and in the oven. Boiled, adding heat to heat. Obviously I'm going shopping later for cold foods. Because god damn.

The funny thin about the above paragraph... kitchen and god... I'm reading the Kitchen God's Wife. I've never read any of Amy Tan's books. But I did like the movie of the Joy Luck Club so I figured it was worth a try. So far the narrative is similarly set up, which makes it quicker for me to catch on. I kinda hate it when the author changes narrators but doesn't warn the reader. Even worse is when they change narrators AND time. I get so lost....

And while I know no one wants to hear about it... one of my dogs is dozing on my pillow and occasionally blinking sleepily at me in invitation. He looks so comfortable and soft.....

Busy, Busy

You'd think it'd be the holidays leading me to a very, very busy social calendar. Somehow, I've ended up with four big events on four consecutive weekends. Lots of people, dressing up... etc etc. I've bought a bunch of new eyeshadow to play with. Among them were the Cover Girl exact eyelights eye shadows. I bought them in both brown and hazel colors and did one eye in each color. Other than having makeup on with too much mica... I don't feel like my eye color was particularly "brought out." Feh, I say! I bought a similar collection from Almay and went with that. So there. Even though I'm pretty sure it's the same company, Almay appears to be geared towards women who are... well... actually, older than me. But whatever. I also picked up the Cover Girl eye liner. When I wear green eyeliner it doesn't look like I have bright eyes. It looks like I'm wearing inexplicable green eyeliner. That's okay, though. Sometimes I AM inexplicable.

I wore a red dress to one of my events. I might just wear it again. I had rather thought I'd end up feeling like some weird Scarlette O'Hara but it ended up just being a dress. That's okay with me.

So I went to that wedding and I cried. I'm really happy for the couple. On the other hand, I've secretly long had a crush on the groom. He's a really, really great guy and seeing him married... well... it was sort of a shock. I was so happy that he feels he's found "the one." I want nothing more for him than for him to be very happy. I think it's in the cards for him. His new wife is fun and flirty and a lot like him. It was lovely.

The whole crush thing... the funny part about it... my husband commented on this guy's looks and I pointed out that the two of them look rather similar. "Probably partially where I got my taste in men," I mused. And it's undoubtedly true.

Oh, and the bride? Not at ALL what I expected for him. She and I have a lot in common physically, frankly. And it's kind of weird to consider... .... ... naw.

Although I have to admit I've always had a funny romantic notion about growing old and discovering my attraction was mutual and that we were both single (unexplained) blah blah blah. I have that romantic notion in my head for Keith, too. And probably others I've thought of. The problem being, romantic notions are rarely anything like the heartache and trouble that comes from real life.

Basically, I guess I don't intend to be alone when I get old and should something terrible happen to my husband I fully intend to pull someone out of my pocket for just such an occasion. Yeah. I'm a great person. Really!

I suppose

I suppose I should have been more clear about the changes around here. Except you'll probably never notice them. And that's really the idea.

Birthday

I just had my birthday, today. It ended up being the sort of day that... really felt like any other day. Some small part of me wanted to be excited about it. But it just wasn't. I woke up to cake. I went to bed to... nothing. Nothing at all. Of course I got up to write.

But in the middle, I did find myself a little depressed and yet found myself counting my blessings. I'm very lucky to live the life I do. Despite those moments (days... weeks, sometimes) where my husband and I find ourselves at odds, we really do care very much for one another. We love one another and when I remember to be nice to him... he can be very, very nice to me.

Still no sex, though. I can't remember the last time we did. It shouldn't really be this hard....

Still, we both have the freedom to explore as needed. No real jealousy. And lots and lots of trust. He's really a good man. Besides my marriage, I have at least one member of my family who won't let me fall. Not easily, at least. And several pets whom I adore and who take good care of my need for affection and attention when no human ever could.

I'm grateful for all that I have.

This year, I want even MORE!

The Problem

The problem with trying to become a more well rounded blog when I've been running one which has been so much more specific and therefore doesn't give away much in the way of identifying information is exactly that. I have to relate certain things that while still being pretty damned general... well... they're still potentially identifiable.

Which isn't to say anyone who knows me would ever bother to read this blog. I'm just not that popular. And the years have shown I'm not going to be.

Anyway, I've had so much to write. And yet been unable to share for fear of someday being identified.

Would it be the end of the world if my much more private life merged with my much more pubnlic one? Probably not. My work does actually have a policy on blogs. The way I first read it, I swore it said that if one were to keep a blog, their employees were required to identify that the company does not neccessarily endorse one's views. However, in re-reading it, I believe it's actually only a requirement to post such a disclaimer should I want the world to know that I work for that company. So... no big deal. I'm not really sure why the company seems to feel that they're so damned important. And really, I kind of wonder if they're suggesting that our facebook pages should have that info. They said blog but being old white men, they may have been confused....

Well. Anyway. I'm going to try something and see how it goes.

Dog gone...

I've been fostering this dog and his last day with me is coming up. Soon he'll be with his new family and I will be back to my regular allotment of dogs. I'm going to miss him. He's my first foster I didn't actually adopt. I did pick his new owner though, and I think they'll be great together.

There's also a very important business meeting, part of which I'm really not looking forward to.

So last night, I had a crazy dream which woke me up in terror and chills. I've never had a dream like that before in my entire life. It was like a nightmare... but there was nothing really dastardly about it. It was like being on a roller coaster and going down that hill that just drops out from under you. Very similar. And even though it was all in my head, my physical reaction was very real. Real enough to wake me up out of a very sound sleep.

I made a twitter account, too. I've really never used it. I may only have a few lines worth of good stuff to write... but I always like to write more. However, every so often I get emails letting me know random people are following me on twitter. I presume those random people do not exist except for spamming. I don't really understand how one spams using twitter. Eventually, I'm sure I'll figure it out. As things stand for me, now, I read folk's twitter pages and find myself mostly confused. Great! I've become one of those old people who doesn't get what kids are up to these days....

Tattooooooooo

I've long thought about getting a tattoo. Not to worry, I'll keep thinking about it. I'm not even remotely ready to get anything. But I think it's clear that I'll some day get one. Something small that means something to me. It'll be that private secret I always love to have....

Anyway, I'm thinking it'll end up being some kind of script. Words mean so much to me....

The reason I'm still up? It's been something like 80 degrees in the house allllll day long. It's killing me. The portable A/C says it's about 71 now. It doesn't FEEL 71... even when I'm naked.

I'm a damned fool. That's all I have to say about that.

I took out the piercings in order to physically heal, reduce the pain and annoyance when the dogs would walk next to me on the bed and inevitable and invariably step on my damned nipples. It's amazing how, without the piercings, they never do that anymore. I miss them, some. But they haven't been an important part of my life in quite a while so I think about them longingly maybe once a day.

Meanwhile, I ended up having a rather long conversation with the cute guy a couple of my coworkers have been crushing on. Based on this, I'm pretty sure he's single. And I'm pretty sure he's as not my type as I thought he was when I just looked at him. Although I can't explain it. Earlier today he talked about making fun of some kind when he was very young. It's difficult to really hold it against him... but so easy, too.

Growing up, I remember some kid making fun of another kid. I couldn't stand to watch it for one more second, so I walked right up to the bully and yelled "Leave him ALONE! You're... you're VERY CUTE." Yeah. Uh. That was my insult. I still, to this day, have no idea why that came out of my mouth. It wasn't true and he wasn't being very cute. But he walked away without another word. My point was to get the kid to leave the other kid alone... and it definitely worked.

My mother used to tell me if someone was making fun of me, "Kiss him!" I stared at her angrily, thinking she was making fun of me. "Because, they'll stop." I think she was teasing... a bit. It probably would have worked. It also would have given me a reputation I couldn't have dealt with at that age....

And this concludes my rambling post.

Honestly

I figured I might as well change the ol' title since I figure I might be somewhat less sexual. Maybe I'll go back, eventually.

For some reason I've been having a bunch of erotic dreams the last few days. Last night's involved a mixture of Zul'farrak, The Mummy, and some ghost show. I had sex with a ghostly mummy in the dream. Or an illusion of one. It made plenty of sense at the time. The night before I forget most of the dream but I'm sure I orgasmed during it. Looking back I can't help but wonder exactly how much of an orgasm it actually was. But in the dream, it was a very good orgasm.

Which once again begs the question... if I can have an orgasm in a dream why, oh why, can't I have an orgasm just by thinking about it?

On another note, I've spent a lot of time today watching internet videos. Not just porn, either! I know, shocking! One of my favorites (which I watch every few months) is called Family. I find it pretty darned entertaining. I find the episodes a bit jarringly unrelated to previous episodes, which is to say it's like they get bored of a storyline and drop it.. but... oh... maybe we should at least mention it... in the next episode. Still, I like the story telling.

So the point of this is I really need a hair cut. And it turns out one of the actors cuts hair. In Seattle. And I'm so amused by the idea of trying to get an appointment. But of course, I'm SUCH a dork I'd never really DO that.

The other thing I've been doing is reading a lot of "mommy blogs." Well, daddy, too. Why? I have no idea. It's not as if I'm jonesing for a baby. I think a lot of it has to do with the point these people are at in their lives and their views of the world more than the fact that they're writing about kids. Plus many of them are damned funny.

The Last Vestiges

I finally took out my nipple piercings today.  Just minutes ago.  And gone they shall stay.  At least for now.  Probably forever.  I miss them, already, just a little.  Without them, my nipples are so much less sensitive.  But my right nipple, the entire time I've had it, has never really healed.  Every time I'd take out the piercing to clean it, it'd bleed a little.  The left one never had that problem.  Well, anyway.  They're gone.

It's like saying goodbye to the last decade.  And to the secret knowledge that I have a little secret.  I don't have any secret now.  None at all, really.  No secret life to speak of at all.

I'm not sure what to do with myself these days.  I feel sort of like I'm swimming through Jell-O.  I bet a lot of people feel that way, these days.

One of the hot young men I know on Facebook became a fan of "I like kissing."  Which is fine.  Except for the part where I immediately started to visualize him and his hot boyfriend making out.  And then I thought "How could he DO this to me?"  I spent a lot of time working at NOT sexualizing him.  Mostly because he's a gay man and I'm not.  Ahem.

So last night I ended up having a weird, long dream about one of those taco trucks (there's one in LA that's been in the news for being great) and going to get my hair cut.  In the salon portion of the dream it turned out to be something of a kinky gay proformance art club that kept clients entertained while waiting for their hair cut.  There were two men engaging in some mild CBT on the floor which was freaking me out a little, while at the same time being really sexual and fun.  Meanwhile, another hot guy and his friends came in and he started making eyes at me and trying to subtly invite me into the group so we could get to know one another better.

But then I woke up.

I only have sexual dreams when it's that time of the month.  And other than being conspicuously kinky, I'm not sure it was even all that sexy.  But it was kind of fun.

All the stuff

I have a dog under the desk, hiding.  Because I cursed.  What better place to hide from my wrath then against my legs?  Why did I curse?  Because I calculated how much longer we'll owe money on the car at the minimum payment rate and realised it's 2 more years.  Even though I make it a point to put a little extra now and again, 2 more years is a long time!  It seemed like so much less when I just looked at the pay off amount.  Money.  So frustrating.

Husband has a date tomorrow.  Tenatively.  He took about a month or two off from the "dating" world since he was frustrated with the revolving door thing he had going on.   He's like me, when he finds a good thing he wants to keep it around.  Other people, though, are fickle.  So he's had a hard time keeping a steady lover who can deal with the reality of being second string.

And since I have to restart my computer... well... I guess that's the end of that.

Sad

I'm very sad at how many of my reads have disappeared.  Closed up shop and moved on.  I'm barely better.  It seems most of us can only keep it up a few years (or a year) and then... suddenly... we're fucked out.  Yeah.  I said it.

I'm no better.  Somehow I went from hyper-sexual to asexual.  Mostly due to circumstance.  But not always.  Lots of laziness.

I am writing again.  Not here, much, I'm back on an old kick.  Probably the one that lead me here last time.  Eventually.  For a while I kept a very specific sort of journal.  Then I switched to a very general sort.  More day to day frustrations and such.  But I found it didn't cover the parts of my life I needed it to.  So I switched to this one, which was once again about a very specific part of my life.

It's always been very important to me that certain parts of my life remain unmixed.  For a very short while there my work, home, and sex lives all coincided together and it was rather nice.  I was still forced to hide certain parts of them from one another, but for the most part I was able to marry the three pretty successfully.  I'm now back in a place in my life where the three are forced to be very compartmentalized.  I can't say as I was happier one way or the other, really.  

However, one of the ways this compartmentalization becomes clear is in the way I separate out my journals.  I have this one for this and that one for that.  If I write about that in this, suddenly this is... not quite as sexy.  If I write about this in that, well, then that one's suddenly scandalous in a way it shouldn't be.

I very much envy one of my favorite writers, Lola, for her ability to really include all the part of her life (work, sex, friends, kids, marriage) without making any of it seem creepy, wrong, or out of place.  Now, granted, she did write her most erotic works elsewhere.  So maybe we're all doomed to that compartmentalization, at least to a point.

As for me, I just don't know.  I still have so much less to write here.  My fantasy life is still somewhat active.  However, the number of men I see to fantasize about is sorely lacking.  I joked teasingly about making out with one of the male bosses and made everyone want to vomit a little into their mouths.  Myself included.  I never, EVER, joke about one of the male bosses because I'm sure I COULD grow a crush on him, but it'd be so inappropriate and obvious it'd be a problem that I don't want to deal with.

I've got some attraction issues to deal with, too.  Namely, none of the men I see around here are Keith.  And none of them have the qualities I've learned to appreciate so much in our military men.  Years of staring at groomed, uniformed, hard-bodies has made it much more difficult for me to look at the locals with lust.  I figured I'd eventually get over this weird obsession I've got with military men, but it's yet to happen.  And it's damned frustrating.  It's not like I didn't sleep with civilians before!

Anyway, I have to be up in about 5 hours.  So I'll go to sleep and come back next time I'm inspired.  Maybe even tomorrow.

Cheese

We went to the store the other day and visited the cheese counter.  As we were standing around gazing hungrily at the bounty before us, debating whether we needed to try some new cheese, the cheese man approached.  I know the guy who works in the produce department is called the producer... wtf do you call the guy who works in the cheese section?  The cheeser?  He took a look at what we were holding and asked "would you like to try it?"  I handed him a slab of dry jack and he returned shortly afterward with a couple of slivers to try.  Upon the taste, we dropped a wedge into our basket.  The cheese man kept talking, telling us about the cheese.  More about the cheese than I knew could be known.  And probably not made up, either.

 My husband handed the cheese man a wedge of fancy Parmesan and asked if we could try it.  "Do you like honey?" he asked.  "I'd just like to try it plain," my husband answered.  "Honey?  I like honey!"  I told him quickly.  He came back a minute later carrying a sheet of paper with the cheese on it.  Two slivers plain, two with a drop of honey.  We ate the plain first.  Another winner.  Then I tried the honey.  The cheese man continued to talk about the cheese, about the honey, about... well... whatever.  Because as I put the combination of honey and cheese into my mouth I phased out.  I could think only of this amazing bliss I was tasting.

And now I have a crush on the cheese man.  He was kind of cute.  But most importantly, he gave me the most amazing oral pleasure I've felt in a long, long time.

Amusement

Find out where I've journeyed on the Map of Human Sexuality! Or get your own here!

State of the Union

Things are going here. Going as usual, really. We've almost been together 10 years, the old man and I. What a strange, strange thing to consider....

Husband has misplaced his most recent girlfriend. Well, she misplaced herself. The problem with women (...men, too) is that they don't really know what they want. The last woman made it very clear that she wasn't looking for a relationship. According to her, the last guy she'd dated had suggested they make their relationship more permanent which led her to dropping him quickly. In the case of my husband after they'd been seeing each other for a while she dropped him because "she wanted something more permanent." In fact, she told him that she didn't like the fact that his wife (me) could "stop things whenever she wanted." Which was never a danger.

I'm not sure if she was a liar or a fool. But, husband has my pity since I've been in his position before. With the man I call "the ex." He was both a fool and a liar. But I still cared very deeply for him. And he was an AMAZING kisser....

I must digress to the fact that kissing can very much make or break a relationship. In the case of "the ex" it absolutely MADE that relationship. There were a few other things he did well, but most importantly the man could kiss. God, could he ever.

So once again husband is on the prowl. I think he's a little disheartened. I totally understand that.

Meanwhile, I find the rest of my life just fulfilling enough to not feel like I need to go hunting for sex. I'm still totally sprung on those two nights with Keith, though as time goes by I get a little more willing to settle for something less. I still keep in contact with Martin, a little. I miss him more than I miss anyone else, I think. He's a great friend and I enjoyed having sex with him, too.

Part of me wants another lover. But at this point I want something like Martin and I had. Something based on friendship and mutual pleasure. I can get a little wilder, later, after I've enjoyed that particular closeness for a while....

As things stand...

Husband seems to have found himself a pretty permanent girlfriend. She seems nice enough, though I've never met her. I'm pretty sure it should stay that way as I tend to be bitter and sarcastic toward my competition... even when we're not actually IN competition for anything.

My warcraft account was hijacked and has since been banned. My repeated emails to those in charge have been summarily ignored. At this point I'm pretty sure I'm just SOL. The thing that really, really frustrates me is the amount of money I've spent for the right to play (namely buying the games themselves) and the fact that they can ultimately decide that even though I've paid for the games, I'm not allowed to play. Welcome me back to console gaming where I can buy and play a game and no one can come and tell me that the game's over before it actually IS. AND I can play those games again... once again... without some big brother coming in to inform me that I'm not allowed to play the game I paid for. Gah. So angry. Fuck Blizzard and fuck Warcraft anyway.

Speaking of fucking... since it appears I won't be playing warcraft (you know, that game I PAID for?) anymore... I've apparently got a lot more time to... well... fuck. I'm still in mourning (obviously) about the warcraft account... so I'll be whining about it for a while. But I'm thinking that maybe the time I wasted on warcraft would be better spent on self improvement. Which is soooo much easier said than done!

So... in my mind, casual sex and becoming a better love is really a form of self improvement. It certainly makes me feel really, really good when it goes well. So maybe it's time I start thinking more about sex and life and less about my frost mage.....

Nostalgic

I was reading some old blog entries.. and you know... it makes me misty. I miss those days. I miss the sexy, young men whom I used to engage in various forms of intercourse with. I miss that wildly social, wildly sexual life I lead for a while there. I like* being a slut. I like wandering into work knowing that I got thoroughly fucked by some guy last night, someone who isn't my husband. Someone no one would approve of me fucking.

There is an extreme shortage of males at my work. Of the two I see often, one of them is attractive enough for me to consider in a sexual sort of way... the other is currently hovering at just over twice my age. The thing is, the more attractive of the two has a whole family and huge social network that just overwhelms me. I have, somehow, managed not to more than very briefly entertain erotic thoughts about him. Somehow it simmers there quietly in the back of my mind, but goes no further. He's sort of a "last man on earth" kinda guy. I mean, I would and I'd probably enjoy it... but only if he were the last man on earth.

The older gentleman... I actually DO find oddly attractive. And it kind of freaks me out. I swear he even flirted with me the other day and I found myself amused by the whole thing. Every so often he says or does something and I can see him as a much younger man... and I kind of want him. I think he and I could have gotten along very, very well back in the day. Unfortunately, there are some things about him that absolutely blow my attraction to him away. Nine days out of ten when I work I find myself feeling a strong righteous rage toward him. And not even that sexy kind of potentially explosively passionate rage. Just cold rage.

Looking back at a few years ago, though. God I had fun. I was such an optimist for a while. It was beautiful. Everything was. I love that.

*I also really, really like italics today.

Girlfriend

So husband has gotten pretty steady with his current girlfriend. He swears it's really a friends with benefits thing and nothing more. "We're pals" he tells me, "who have sex." Been there, done that. But at the same time, I think there's still a certain relationship that forms. A special sort of bond. And I can't help but be a little jealous of that. On the other hand, I don't know this woman but I really like her. I like the effect she's had on Husband. She's indirectly changing our lives for the better and I can't bring myself to complain.

This weekend he's planning on spending Friday and Saturday nights with her. He won't be coming home until Sunday sometime. When he originally asked if I was okay with that I found myself a little bitter. A little unwilling to share. One night's okay... but TWO? C'mon! He's done this before, of course. And SOMEHOW I survived. Magically. Because, really, it's not that big of a deal. So I pouted for a couple of minutes and then I got over it.

Mostly, I'm jealous that he has somewhere else to go. Someone else to hang out with besides just one another. And if I really wanted a boyfriend it probably wouldn't be all that hard to make it happen.....

Porn... for women

So I've long had something of a crush on... well... a couple of different porn actors. Anyway, I was watching one of my favorites getting a BJ from some chick... and I found myself thinking "goddammit, if I wanted to watch him get a blow job, I'd GIVE him a blow job." And that pretty much sums up my feelings on that.

The number

I'm sure I've written about this before. I'm also sure I have no new thoughts on the matter. But I guess the same "issues" run through my head now as years ago. Unresolved as ever. I was reading about the difference between the number of partners a man had versus a woman and what that difference means to the two people in that relationship.

And once again I find myself vaguely at a loss to know what to say about my own number. At this point I have to admit I can't really remember how many men I've been with. It's been years... and so many of those men were one or two night stands that weren't all that memorable. I remember the ones that really matter (for various reasons). If I were to count those I think my number would be something like five or six. I kind of don't feel like knowing my own number. At one time it was a matter of pride for me. But then, suddenly, I realized that I could give a shit how many (in gross) I've fucked but really only care about the number who were actually really worth remembering. And even then it's not about a "number" it's about those nights and with those men.

Then I started thinking about Husband's number. His is slowly, but steadily, growing. And while I can take an educated guess, I really just don't care.

So that's the numbers for you.

Someone else's star....

So Husband is the one with all the stories these days. I just sit back and listen. He had a hot date last night, with someone I think he's only talked to a few times. He dressed up just a little bit (in one of the nice shirts I picked out for him about a year ago) and we agreed he'd call me when he figured out what his plans were for the evening. He brought a toothbrush. He did call... and he didn't come home.

The next day, Husband came home and called me at work to let me know he was home. "Did you have fun?" I asked him. "I guess," he said, sounding down. "K. Thanks for letting me know, I'll call you later," I told him and promptly forgot. When I got home, I asked him about his evening.

"It was bad," he told me. I asked for more details. "She has some interesting friends," he said, "HOT, friends. But we went back to her place and... it was just bad." I asked for more details, again. "She's had kids. And... well... you know the phrase 'hot dog down a hallway'?" I nodded and smiled and immediately started doing Kegels.

"Did you get off?" I asked. "Yeah, eventually I got myself off." I followed with, "did she get off?" "Oh, yeah." Then he added, "she just laid there. I mean, not the whole time. But she didn't move." "Mmm," I said, sympathetically. "And she talked. I mean the whole time. And she tried to get me to talk. And I couldn't shut her up. I don't like to talk. I don't need to hear how great my dick feels in her every two seconds." I smiled wryly. Husband could stand to be more vocal in bed. But too much talk is very distracting.

"Will you see her again," I asked. "No," he told me, " and you know it's put me off for a while. It was really bad." "Not so eager for your next hook up?" I asked. "No, not so eager right now." "Now you can see why I was always so interested in finding a longer-term partner. When the sex is great it's really hard to let that go. And bad sex... bad sex is just made worse when you've been with someone who's really good."

And then I opened up yahoo messenger and got an offline message from Keith.

It's a small world....

Husband's last "girlfriend" dropped him so she could become exclusive with some other guy. This whole situation reminded me just vaguely of "the ex" and I swear to god if she starts sniffing around him again I'm going to have to warn Husband off. Of course, he probably won't listen... I wouldn't.

Right now he's chatting up some other MUCH more local woman. I'm actually all for that. I really, really don't believe in traveling long-distances for a sexual relationship. Especially when you live in a city of roughly 3 million people. (Btw... I know it's not NYC but holy shit that's a lot of people who live locally!) I fully admit I've traveled long distances for sex before... but I learned my lesson and now flatly refuse.

Anyway, so the new woman the Husband is chatting up is friends with a blogger I read regularly. (I don't link to that blog, so don't bother thinking too hard about it.) Husband is not a blogger and is not terribly interested in the whole subject but I'm terribly entertained by the fact that he of all people would provide the real life connection.

I really don't think anything will come of that relationship. I mean, they might meet and have sex but I doubt it'd be more than once or twice. Based on what I've heard about her sexual proclivities I'm not sure they're on the same page. He thinks he can just ignore this particular "fetish" she has. I suspect she thinks she can convince him to try it. I think it's a disaster. But it's likely to be entertaining for pretty much everyone involved!

Erotica

Violet Blue used to read porn on her podcast. I thought that was really hot. She's got a great voice and chose some stories I found really great to masturbate to. She's stopped podcasting as much as she did and I find myself at a bit of a loss as to a good replacement. Maybe I'm using the internet wrong. But, I've been considering searching those great free-porn sites for stories that interest me and (with the author's permission) recording my OWN podcast. However, I find it really hard to believe there aren't other folks with better voices and the same idea. But like I said, maybe I'm using the internet wrong....

Porn

I was recently visiting one of my favorite free porn sites (yeah, I'm cheap) which gives me snippets of movies two of which are generally long enough to get me off and send me on my way to the rest of the less sexy internet (or WoW, as the case my be). During my visit I found myself gazing thoughtfully at one of the porn males. Many (read: most) male porn stars are barely tolerable to me. One might even call them repulsive. In this case I found myself not really attracted so much as... intrigued. Here (pictured at left) was a rather handsome, hard bodied, blue eyed, tattooed fellow in porn . Straight porn, even. Since WHEN? I did some diligent searching and found out his name (Derrick Pierce) and checked out a little more about him. In doing so I found myself at the LA Direct Models website eyeing the male... models. It took me a few minutes of serious consideration before I decided that "Modeling" was not really what they were selling. Certainly no one from the site is in any danger of starring on America's Next Top Model.

I've discovered the faces and bodies of main stream porn actors have changed dramatically. For the better. Nice. None of the actors on the LA Direct site are irresistibly attractive to me, but of the choices I found myself eyeballing Christian the most. He's got a hot body (well, I like more fat on my men but I won't complain), he's very masculine, and has a really great smile. I looked up a little of his work (fairly standard professional porn fair). I also stumbled across his blog. I've been hooked since. It's not that his blog is incredibly well written. Nor the fact that he plays a horde character on WoW (which server?!?!). It's interesting to get a peek into the life of a porn star. A MALE porn star, even. I'm learning things about the porn industry I had no idea about, had never considered.

There are a couple of things that have come from this. First, I'm watching a lot more porn these days and a good percentage of my time is spent being more critical, seeing all the things that are contrived to make it more palatable to male tastes (and unfortunately, often less palatable to my own). Second, I've learned a respect for the "actors." Lastly I've discovered that Christian has acted in some same-sex (tranny) scenes. I had NO idea what a big deal this is to some people. I've written about gay-for-pay (or whatever you want to call it) before. I was writing about how hot I found it... and there are a bunch of folks bitching about him doing gay porn. I'm too lazy to find a link but as it turns out there's not really a shortage and it's really vitriolic. Who knew?

I finally hunted down a tranny flick starring Christian. As it turns out, I'm not that interested in trannies. But what I really appreciated about it was the fact that Christian comes off as being... amused. It's not a serious business and the set up and acting by the trannies was terrible, but he somehow kept it from being a complete flop... which made me really like him.

I remain very committed to something more amateur. Or at least less... fake (ie Comstock). However, I have to raise my glass to male porn stars and to Christian in particular. Keep it up (ha ha).

It's just...

So there's this guy who's come into my work a few times. Older than me by at least a few years... perhaps not conventionally handsome. But he's got a kind face and a quick smile; one of those smiles that transforms his features from average to something much more.

I was having a pretty bitchy, crappy morning and he came in. And talked to me a little. And I got just a little bit more of a crush on him. And it changed my entire day. Suddenly the world was a little brighter and I couldn't stop smiling.

It's been so damned long since I've run into a guy who seemed crush-worthy. Someone who could brighten my day by just smiling at me... or by my just thinking of him.

Of course, given the place I work I'm not in much danger of running into him too often. I'm lucky if I see some of our clients a couple of times a year. In his case I think I've seen him three or four times in the last two months which is quite a lot.

Anyway, it's nice getting to feel that rush of excitement, again.

It's be extra nice if I got to go back to his place with him and....

Just a quick note

So since I last wrote husband has been to see his girlfriend a few more times. Things are still kind of weird but I don't find it infecting our daily life too much. It's funny, though, listening to him sounding a heck of a lot like I used to when I was seeing my lovers. "I'll stop if you want me to... nothing's worth upsetting you" etc etc etc.

We really haven't had sex since he got himself a girlfriend. In a sense that means he's being faithful to her. That does not please me. On the other hand I find myself remembering how very BORING sex was with husband once I'd had a taste of a new lover. Sex with him was a consolation prize (though I'm pretty sure I never made him feel that way) and I can only imagine he feels the same way about me. I told him the other day "I don't want to be your second choice." Nevermind how many times I'd have rather been fucking my lover than him. It's not so pretty being on the other side of that coin.

We took a week of vacation and he spent two nights of it with her. I actually dropped him off at her house. There was a potential for me to actually SEE her but I tried very hard not to. I don't really want to see or know. I drove off as soon as I was sure he was going to get inside. When he came back... it was back to life as usual. Except we were still on vacation.

Vacation. So lovely.

Open

Husband's and my sex life has been confusing at best. While he was out of the country we agreed to let things be non-exclusive so our needs could be met. I took FULL advantage (even being called a slut in a NOT very nice way by a coworker whom I'd shared many details with). Husband was less devoted to the idea and merely made out with some chick. He would have taken it further had she not had misgivings. Whatever. Upon his return we agreed to keep our open relationship. Neither of us did anything outside the marriage at that time for quite a while. And then husband's libido dropped off. So I went looking. What followed is mostly chronicled here.

Lots of very good and very average sex with many men. Husband remained mostly celibate. He had a one night stand shortly after coming back into the country all those years ago. And that was that for him. Our very, very infrequent coupling was more than enough to satisfy him. My advances were regularly met with annoyance and therefore all sex stopped. Until he decided, after several years, he really wanted to have sex. Suddenly the roles were reversed and I found myself irritated and reluctant. Part of me (a very large, obvious part) found bitter pleasure in turning him down. I told him as much. For the most part he stopped his advances. More recently, though, we've been on the same page and suddenly sex has seemed like a lovely pass time.

However, during this, he's started looking for his own play thing. And actually succeeded. And that's where it gets weird.

I'm really glad he's not bugging me for sex. I'm really glad he's found someone else to pour that all into. I'm really angry that he's having sex with someone else after turning me down for so many years. I'm really curious about their "relationship." And I'm really, really not. All of a sudden the much more frequent sex we were having has completely stopped. I'm also very okay with that. Except the complete cessation has me a little concerned. And totally not.

I don't even know what to think anymore. His girlfriend is going on a long trip soon. Whatever they have going on will probably fizzle with time. Or not. Who knows? She's not really "wife" material for him so I don't feel particularly threatened. Just weird about the whole thing.

It's just odd. Very odd.

Org

Ah, how I love warcraft. Ahem.

Last night husband and I had a wonderful wonderful romp in the sack. It was great. Once again I gave myself a stellar orgasm. Husband lay under me, looking impressed and amazed. "That was fast. I'm jealous." he told me. He should be. It's funny that I cum faster than he does. It's exceptionally gratifying, too, to actually be in a place where I can guarantee I will be having an orgasm. There's no doubt and no question.

Now if I can just figure out how to have two.

So last night before going to bed, husband started getting a little frisky. I think he was offering to go down. Alas, it's barely been a day and a half since my period ended and well... things weren't feeling so fresh. I declined (as usual for me, really). So husband began massaging my pussy through my pants. It was really, really nice. He was perfectly rough and utterly irresistible. I lay back, moaning a little. Thinking just maybe I could get into this. "I wish I had magic hands like that guy in Needful Things," he said. I thought about it for a moment, "I have no idea what you're talking about." "You know, " he told me, "that scene you liked so much where he gets her off." I thought about it for a long moment before agreeing "ah, the sheriff. I remember now, sort of. I'd forgotten."

I was quiet a long moment as he continued his delightful assault before I added "maybe you do. Maybe I'm just not the right woman." He was quick to disagree, "I'm doing better with you than my last wife. At least you have orgasms." Then he continued "she used to really think chocolate was better than sex. Without the orgasms, I can see maybe that'd be true. Maybe. But she didn't even want to TRY."

I considered a moment and said, "I had some really good chocolate the other day. Like *really* good. Like maybe better than sex WITH an orgasm good." "I want some of that," he told me. I smiled evilly, "It was mint." He hates mint.

Then he got up and brushed his teeth and got ready for bed. I followed suit except managed to gag on my toothbrush, thus effectively ending my tooth brushing experience and making me more than reticent to put my mouth anywhere near my husband. And that was that for the night.

Now, I find myself thinking about hunting the book down again and reading it. I do remember being rather turned on by that scene. I don't remember much of the specifics, though.

Fucking Husband.

Last night, maybe 26 hours ago by the clock I got laid. Finally. Oh my god. Husband and I finally managed to get ourselves together and we had sex. It wasn't good sex. But it was nice sex. If only because it'd been so long. He fucked me for a while and I finally decided to get myself off. I think it took less than a minute. He was amazed. I told him I'd been practicing.

His own orgasm was more delayed. Funny how that works. It took what seemed like forever. He was embarrassed as he shyly asked if he could cum on me. "Where?" I asked, wondering about the logistics since we were laying side by side. "Where ever," he replied evasively. FUCK. We've been married ten years. He can't tell me he wants to cum on me somewhere in particular? "I need to know WHERE," I told him, "I really, really prefer it not be a surprise." He was quite a long moment before saying "Well, your tits would be fine. I mean, your face would be great but.... your tits would be fine." It's funny to me, his fear of suggesting cumming on my face. I wonder what it means for him? He ended up coming on my tits. Positioning was just too hard as things went for it to be a facial though it was my goal to give him that pleasure.

Afterward, we snuggled together for a long while. He kept touching me, rubbing, caressing... and it became not just annoying but actually grating. I had to leave. He's been trying to be sexy with his touches, but they just irritate me. I like hard touches, massaging... not tickling not caresses. Not like THAT. Since when doesn't he know that? Or did things change? Is it me?

He wanted to fuck again today. I passed. I think I'm going through PMS. It's not pretty.

I did finally masturbate tonight. I came hard. My insides are still swollen and tender from last night's long-awaited fucking. I'm definitely going to need more, soon. Just not tonight, honey....

Feeling

You know the best feeling in the world? New batteries in my rabbit. Awesome.

A New Lease

For whatever reason, things have been going swimmingly, lately. I live in my own room, now. My husband has the king beg to himself (well, himself and the dogs) and I have my little twin all to myself in the next room (with adjoining doors). I sleep better than ever, I'm happy to say.

The side note on this is that if we want to spend time together, we have to make time. Every evening we find time to snuggle either in his bed or out on the deck. And he actually makes the time. He invites me out to snuggle. We talk. It's really, really nice. The last few months have been some of the best of our marriage.

Unfortunately, while we occasionally make out we still haven't had sex in... years? I did just give him a blow job after we engaged in a pleasant bout of heavy petting. So maybe that counts.

I'm trying very hard not to care. Not to focus, too much. It's actually working pretty well. I'm mostly happy. Definitely happy with him....

Fool!

Ha ha, I'm a fool.

Anyway, as it turns out I put my comments on "moderate" and then forgot about them. For apparently about the last 5 months. Oops.

Yes, the mail finally came. Yes, the rabbit vibrator is everything I've heard. Although I'm still often frustrated by my inability to come at the flip of a switch. It takes longer than that. Dammit.

I've been idly perusing craigslist's casual encounters. Undoubtedly I won't use it. Some guy from Virginia sent me a yahoo IM. If he was ever on my YIM that meant fucking him was at least a possibility. However, I found myself gazing tiredly at the screen and quickly finding myself something else to do. He'll be in the area, he tells me. I don't care. I don't care about anything to do with him....

Husband has been acting more amorous toward me. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm being more flirtatious towards him, too. I want to be fucked. But we never seem to find the time. I must not want it bad enough. Thank god there's always porn....

TV

No doubt I'm a deep down slut. I never take advantage of my freedom to explore that anymore. However, I still find myself aching for that singular pleasure of a new man's fingers on my skin, the sensation of a new mouth and tongue, and discovering the pleasures of his hard cock. I love the electricity of a new lover.

The reason I bring this up is that I was watching one of those reality shows and there was much kissing involved. Which reality show? Well, I'll leave that to you to guess. The thing is a relative called to inform me that someone I know is on the show. "Know" is generous. I remember his name. And the thing is... I remember he wasn't all that to look at when I was growing up. I mean, he was okay. But oh my god he's gotten much hotter, now. And I got to watch him kissing some other girl and it got me thinking....

Which led to much masturbation. And a vague sense of shame that I'm so very easily led to masturbate about someone at 29 that I couldn't be bothered to masturbate about when I was 16.... you know... when I was all about masturbation and wanting to be fucked....

Update

I've stopped bothering to keep track of how long it's been since I haven't had sex. I miss my libido but I've pretty much just let it go for now. It matters not at all. Well. Not much. I still masturbate, but as a way of release and relaxation rather than for true enjoyment and pleasure.

The other day, Husband was kissing on me and I rolled over. I would have actually gone along with it it, had it not been 10:30 on a night when I should have gone to sleep by 9:30... and had been stressed and sick all day. Okay, okay, there are always excuses. But seriously. And then the next day I got my period. The weird thing is, I'm usually super horny the night before I start but not that night. And certainly not since!

I'm still having something of a crush on my gay coworker. On his good days. Except I swear I've slept with a guy with a body just like his and been completely weirded out by the thinness of his hips and ass.... and the hugeness of his cock. All of which appear to be true of this particular guy. So weird.

Other than that, though... it's all about video games and work. I bounce between the two with little time or thought left over between.

Written but unpublished till now.

I've found myself sighing whistfully about the sybian. I loaded up some videos of it in action and found myself getting incredibly wet.

It's been a long time since I've gotten really wet without even having to touch myself a little. And really, if I'm honest my wetness had nothing to do with the sybian and everything to do with female orgasm.

There's something so fucking hot about watching another woman cumming. Years ago, when I was first getting into the idea that I could fuck whomever I want, I engaged in a lot of phone sex with men far too far away. One of my more "adventurous" calls involved a guy from the midwest named Kevin. Kevin asked if he could call me and get another girl on the line. I don't remember much of what he said, anymore, though I know he talked quite a bit. No, what drove me to orgasm, finally, was hearing her.

He informed me that "she's VERY orgasmic" even as he encouraged her to her next orgasm. Me, well, I've never been all that orgasmic. However, after reaching my first orgasm around the time of her first, and listening to her building toward a second orgasm, I found myself in the midst of my own second, unlikely orgasm. I came hard, of quietly, shyly depriving them of the pleasure of hearing me cum as I listened intently to her moans.

Once she came a second time he gently disengaged me from the call, telling me he wanted some private time with her, or something like that and I lay on my bed afterward entirely sure I could have had a continued series of orgasms had he only been willing to let us both stay on the line.

After that call, I considered briefly and finally cold called another of my willing phone sex partners who graciously (and gratefully) accompanied me to a third very neccessary orgasm.

Oddly, I don't have particularly strong urges to have sex with another woman. However, I imagine should I ever "accidentally" find myself in the position to do so, it might be a very, very long night.

Adventures in Toyland

I've sent off for a new toy. Well, actually a pair of new toys. Well, really, two versions of the same thing.

I will soon be the possessor of my very own "rabbit" vibrator.

Unfortunately, when I say "soon" I'm pretty sure I don't even mean THIS WEEK. But, you know, eventually. Especially with new years day falling in the middle of all this. *sigh*

I'm hopeful the wait will be well worth the pay off. Preferably, repeated pay offs.

Christmas

I spent much of the Christmas holiday with family. At one point we spent some time with my husband's family. At which point my entirely way too fucking hot relative by marriage insisted on calling me, repeatedly, by my relation name to himself. "Hey, cuz," he would say, pointedly, even as I envisioned ripping his clothes off his body and making him my love slave.

He is not my cousin. He is not a relative of mine at all. There is no blood between us. Body fluids would be fine, but no familial blood.

So I spent several days fantasizing about his hard, naked body. This all just before my period, the horniest time in my month. I was finally unable to resist any longer and found myself masturbating furiously, envisioning his fingers and mouth and all the wonderful things I'd make him do with them. Far from home and sadly without any of my normal implements of pleasure I found myself with a hair brush handle buried in my pussy and my fingers stroking my clit in earnest. I came like I haven't in a long time and lay panting on the bed for several minutes after, knowing he was no more than about 20 feet from me the entire time.

No doubt he knows I want him. Not to keep, just to fuck a few times....

Besides my taboo fantasies, husband managed to fuck me for several minutes for the first time in... well... I don't know how long it's been. We could only manage the slowest, most tender sex, though, because the bed kept creaking and there were too many witnesses in the house. I was terribly disappointed. But it felt so god damned good to be filled again, to feel cock inside me for those few minutes....

Gay-ass porn

While all of my roomies were gone, I raided my gay roomie's porn cabinet for some amusement. He gave me permission to borrow, though I wasn't sure that he meant it. Still, he said it and I left only fingerprints so I don't feel too badly about it. In fact, given the stunning quality of the movie, I must say I feel pretty good about the whole thing.

As it turns out, men in gay porn are hot. My roomie and I have the same taste in men and his porn collection stunningly depicts this fact. It was really, really sexy. I was so pleased.

I'm going to be very sad when he moves out.

Charisma

Yesterday I spent a very large chunk of my day with a very charismatic gay man. Reasonably attractive, he has the confidence of a much better looking man... but none of the ego.

And it was irresistible.

I'm a horny girl, I'll give you that. Horny and unfucked for a very, very long time. So I'm particularly susceptible to seduction.

I got up early this morning and masturbated, having a very fast, very satisfying orgasm. That is how much the guy stirred me up. I couldn't NOT masturbate. I had to scratch that particular itch. I feel more normal now. More able to control my loins and my thoughts.

Anyway, the whole point to this... and the conversation I had with my sister is the following... how does one actually become that charismatic? There has to be a way to create that. My sister thinks some people are just born that way. I think that may be true to a point. But not completely true. I think there must be a lot more to it than just genetics or some kind of early socialization. There simply has to be a way to learn it, doesn't there?

There are a ton of books on the subject. But really, if they worked wouldn't so many more of us be charismatic?

Cock Watching

So the other day my coworker got something on his pants. Which required him to spend a while wiping at his crotch. And left me with a valid reason to stare at his crotch and giggle. Except I just kept thinking "it's just so... big...." Staring at his cock through his pants I imagined it looks just like that of "the ex." The same curve and broadness. So obvious. I'm so jealous he's wasting it on some guy. Some person who isn't ME....

Blog on, dude!

It's funny how taking a long while off from posting makes coming up with titles for posts much easier. Even if they don't always make sense.

Anyway. I looked in the mirror, after reading a recent comment, and realised I very much live in the past. Not ALL the time. But enough of it. Isn't that the human condition?

Just Long Enough

I swear Keith comes around just long enough to make me... well... long for him. And then he goes away again. Which is all internet contact. God knows why we've never traded phone numbers once he moved back to the states. My cell number might actually even be local for him since when I got it they gave me a strange Maryland phone number and he's in that general vicinity.

Then again, god, what would we talk about? The same old rehashing of what I already know... ie we still want one another but we're too far away and boy, oh, boy weren't those some great days together....

I swear I spend great portions of my life these days longing for what used to be. I miss the crushes I had on the cops, I miss all the casual sex I had. Even some of the bad stuff. At least it was something to write about... to think about... to do....

Among my favorite activities has always been to fuck someone I "shouldn't." I slept with an officer (or two) for just that reason. And of course a couple of other "taboo" boys before I left. Some of the thrill has worn off since my husband left the military... they're not quite as taboo as they were... but I still can't help but smile a little, thinking about it. I want more of THAT. Except, as it turns out, there's less of that kind of excitement in the real world. Fewer rules.

And let's just get this one clear... I'm SOOOO not fucking anyone from work. None of them are acceptable for that purpose. Which just leaves me sad.

I do have an option of a local computer geek. I adore computer geeks, a preference dating back to my formative teenage years. But I can't bring myself to be passionately interested in him the way I'd hoped. Then again, we haven't met. There could be some major sparks. Or we could create some....

But, yeah. I'm not really sure what to do with myself, still. Other than sit and pine for my beloved Keith who is so far away, and so very kinky-sexy.

Beating

Sometimes I think about hitting him. Hard. With his own belt, since I never wear one. I want to watch the clench of his mucles and the way his body arches away, or even toward the strap.

I give in to sin, because you have to make this life livable...

Three songs:

The Weekend-- Steve Wariner
When Will I Let Go-- Steve Wariner
Strange Love-- Depeche Mode

Share and share...

So I told my gay housemate that if he found a nice bisexual guy I'd be very willing to share him. He laughed. I was kind of serious. But then decided that might be annoying.

I'm pretty sure my gay housemate would be willing to sleep with my husband if husband were into it. Unfortunately, my husband refuses to admit any interest. I guess that's okay because he'd probably discover that he's totally gay and that'd be the end of my marriage. Which might not be so bad because....

I spent the vast majority of the drive home from the next state over listening to random songs from my ipod and considering which ones most make me think of Keith. Whom I've been very good about NOT posting about for a very, very long time, I think.

He and I haven't had a lot of contact of late. He's a busy, independant guy with plenty to do besides have me moon at him. Which is great. But it's hard to build any sort of relationship/friendship on something like that. That doesn't mean I don't miss him and think of fucking his brains out on a regular basis.

Frankly, I'm pretty sure I'm still kind of saving myself for him. I've tried sleeping around (a year ago, granted) and found it to be less than satisfying. My fantasies still pretty much revolve around him. It's sad, pathetic, and obsessive.

Meanwhile, one of the men that I work with (men in power, mind you) came walking in on his day off. He's a fairly attractive middle aged guy, smart, and rather funny. He was wearing a sweatshirt with a big red circle in the middle. I had a moment where I had to pause and take a second look. Except it wasn't what I thought it was. However, I found myself entertaining the thought and finding myself very turned on by the idea. I really liked the idea of him being into something vaguely kinky like that. Delicious. Except he's not. So... you know... nevermind. I'm over it. But there was a moment there.

And now for something completely different...

I hit 86. The sad thing is, I own several of the movies on here, but still haven't bothered to watch them. But really, despite what it says, I think a better indication of whether you have a life or not is if you take the time to #1 read this, and even more importantly... #2 do it yourself.


SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 89 movies, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 266 movies on this list. Copy this list. Then, put x's next to the movies you've seen, add them up, and share your number. Have fun!
(X) Rocky Horror Picture Show
() Grease
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
() Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
() Boondock Saints
(X) Fight Club
() Starsky and Hutch
(X) Neverending Story
(X) Blazing Saddles
(X) Universal Soldier
(X) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
() Along Came Polly
() Deep Impact
() KingPin
(X) Never Been Kissed
(X) Meet The Parents
(X) Meet the Fockers
() Eight Crazy Nights
() Joe Dirt
()KING KONG
(X) A Cinderella Story
() The Terminal
() The Lizzie McGuire Movie
() Passport to Paris
(X) Dumb & Dumber
() Dumber & Dumberer
() Final Destination
() Final Destination 2
() Final Destination 3
() Halloween
() The Ring
(X) The Ring 2
() Surviving X-MAS
(X) Flubber
(X) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
() Practical Magic
() Chicago
() Ghost Ship
() From Hell
() Hellboy
() Secret Window
() I Am Sam
() The Whole Nine Yards
() The Whole Ten Yards
(X) The Day After Tomorrow
(X) Child's Play
() Seed of Chucky
() Bride of Chucky
() Ten Things I Hate About You
() Just Married
() Gothika
(X) Nightmare on Elm Street
(X) Sixteen Candles
() Remember the Titans
() Coach Carter
() The Grudge
() The Grudge 2
() The Mask
() Son Of The Mask
() Bad Boys
() Bad Boys 2
() Joy Ride
() Lucky Number Seven
() Ocean's Eleven
() Ocean's Twelve
(X) Bourne Identity
(X) Bourne Supremecy
() Lone Star
() Bedazzled
(X) Predator I
() Predator II
() The Fog
() Ice Age
() Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
() Curious George
(X) Independence Day
(X) Cujo
() A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
() Christine
(X) ET
(X) Children of the Corn
() My Bosses Daughter
(X Maid in Manhattan
(X) War of the Worlds
() Rush Hour
() Rush Hour 2
() Best Bet
(X) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
() She's All That
() Calendar Girls
() Sideways
() Mars Attacks
() Event Horizon
(X) Ever After
(X) Wizard of Oz
(X) Forrest Gump
() Big Trouble in Little China
(X) The Terminator
(X) The Terminator 2
() The Terminator 3
(X) X-Men
(X) X2
(X) X-3
(X) Spider-Man
(X) Spider-Man 2
() Sky High
() Jeepers Creepers
() Jeepers Creepers 2
() Catch Me If You Can
(X) The Little Mermaid
(X) Freaky Friday
() Reign of Fire
() The Skulls
() Cruel Intentions
() Cruel Intentions 2
() The Hot Chick
(X) Shrek
() Shrek 2
() Swimfan
(X) Miracle on 34th street
() Old School
(X) The Notebook
(X) K-Pax
() Kippendorf's Tribe
(X) A Walk to Remember
() Ice Castles
() Boogeyman
(X) The 40-year-old-virgin
(X) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(X) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(X) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(X) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(X) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(X) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
() Baseketball
(X) Hostel
() Waiting for Guffman
() House of 1000 Corpses
() Devils Rejects
() Elf
(X) Highlander
() Mothman Prophecies
() American History X
() Three
() The Jacket
() Kung Fu Hustle
() Shaolin Soccer
() Night Watch
(X) Monsters Inc.
(X) Titanic
(X) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(X) Shaun Of the Dead
() Willard
() High Tension
() Club Dread
(X) Hulk
(X) Dawn Of the Dead
(X) Hook
(X) Chronicle Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
(X) 28 days later
() Orgazmo
() Phantasm
() Waterworld
(X) Kill Bill vol 1
() Kill Bill vol 2
(X) Mortal Kombat
() Wolf Creek
() Kingdom of Heaven
() the Hills Have Eyes
() I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
() The Last House on the Left
() Re-Animator
(X) Army of Darkness
(X) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(X) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(X) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(X) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(X) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
() Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
() Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
() Ewoks The Battle For Endor
(X) The Matrix
(X) The Matrix Reloaded
(X) The Matrix Revolutions
(X) Animatrix
(X) Evil Dead
(X) Evil Dead 2
() Team America: World Police
(X) Red Dragon
(X) Silence of the Lambs
(X) Hannibal
() Battle Royale
() Battle Royale 2
() Brazil
() Contact
() Cube
() Dr. Strangelove
() Enlightenment Guaranteed
(X) Four Rooms
(X) Memento
() Pi
() Requiem for a Dream
(X) Pulp Fiction
() Reservoir Dogs
() Run Lola Run
() Russian Ark
() Serenity
(X) Sin City
() Snatch
() Spider
(X) The Sixth Sense
(X) The Village
() Waking Life
() Zatoichi
() Ikiru
() The Seven Samurai
() Brick
() Akira

Over what?

I love spending time with my husband. We've spent a lot (a LOT) of time together of late. However, with him finding his new job (though it is temporary) he's been out of the house a lot more. I get three days off each week, and as things stand, I share only one with him. The other two seem oddly lonely.

On the other hand, I'm very thrilled to be able to spend as much time as I want masturbating myself to some delicious and much needed orgasms. It's been a good year since I've felt so free and it's fucking awesome. I mean, sure, I managed a few here and there but... seriously... it wasn't enough.

All this masturbation is, of course, putting me in the mood for some serious fucking. For whatever reason, my sister and I had a conversation about a headboard that used to belong to a gay friend, briefly to her, and then on to another fellow. All sexually active folks. "I wonder how many people have fucked over that footboard, now" she mused. Which led to further conversation of it being the perfect height to bend someone over (or be bent over, as the case may be) and fuck. Meanwhile, Pluff is muttering about bending someone over and giving them a good pounding.

I want some of that, too.

It's back... for now.

The other day I stuck a condom on husband's penis and climbed on for a few minutes until he said I was pressing on his bladder and he really had to pee. I let him go and that was the end of that, although once he came back he wanted to keep going. I was no longer terribly interested as I hadn't been all that interested in the first place and was entirely offended by his leaving. Afterall, it may be the first time in a year he's had his cock in me. Perhaps longer than a year. However, out of a sense of charity and adoring to please cock, I did help him get off anyway.

Since before then, my libido has been back rather strongly. Unfortuantely, the type and number of men I come into contact with has dropped dramatically. Familiarity is an important part of my sense of attraction and there just aren't enough men around to keep me interested.

Meanwhile, I do work with a guy around my age. I spend a lot of time close to him, in a lot of physical proximity and occasionally touching. At times, he touches me when he doesn't technically have to. I adore it and do nothing to discourage the behavior. When he first started working with me, I kept finding myself looking at his cock through his pants. It's rather... prominent. Hard to ignore, really. I still find my attention caught by it now and again, but less often. I've learned some self control. All of this is, of course, leading up to the fact that he's totally gay. So there's nothing there at all in reality. But I can't help but be a attracted to him at times. And to think about his cock a lot.

Which really just goes to show the lacking quality of men around me. Unattractive or gay. Those are my choices. It's no wonder my coworker (who is cute, by the way) is single. Options around here appear to be way too few or too far between. Regardless of what the local kinkster bloggers seem to think.

The adult website (you know the one) is pathetically devoid of worthwhile men. Craigslist always strikes me as very, very seedy. I can't explain but it just gives me the willies. On the other hand, there are probably the same men on both sites. So whatever.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Sex Around Me

I found myself oddly attracted to a place one of my fellow bloggers hang out. And then I thought about the (small but possible) chance of running into said blogger and (god forbid) recognizing this person. And then I thought perhaps it would be best if I perhaps made a choice NOT to visit that establishment until I can guarantee I'm mature enough not to act like a star struck loser. Props to said blogger for writing well enough for me to even have the chance of being star struck. No, I won't name names because I'm that kind of loser.

Meanwhile, my sex life remains barren. I could have had sex a couple of times today with husband. It's been almost a year, now. He's apparently ready for his yearly fucking. We talked about shaving and all that sort of thing. Thinking about what he can do to make me more likely to at least suck his cock. It's funny and sad.

We talked about age and sexuality and all of that and about the fact that we're different people than we were years and years ago. He thinks maybe he's bad in bed and I told him he's proven to be very good in bed, but he's annoyingly selfish about things when it comes to sex. Not always, mind you, but often. "It's called foreplay," I told him, "and if you want to have sex with women, you should probably accept it as part of your life." He went on to tell me about a woman who doesn't like foreplay (some else's wife, he said). "But you live in the real world where the vast majority of women demand it. And the chances of you having sex with a woman like that is slim."

I doubt he took any of it to heart.

Meanwhile, my sister informed me earlier that she was having a boy over for some sex. She likes her men younger and thin. Very much the opposite of me. I'm not terribly jealous of her man. Only that she has one coming over. Dammit. Someone ELSE in this house is getting laid and it isn't ME!

Sexless

I think it may have been a year since the last time I had sex. With anyone. While in some ways that seems like a very, very long time... in others it feels like time has barely passed. It's so weird.

Meanwhile, my masturbatory fun has not decreased. I finally couldn't deal with not even getting to masturbate since my husband is ALWAYS HOME and we're pretty much confined to one small room when we're here. So a few nights I waited until late when husband was asleep and found something amusing on the internet, bringing myself to orgasm not 2 feet away from him as he lay completely oblivious. The next night I did the same. The third night I informed him I was going to have an orgasm before I went to sleep and proceeded to masturbate in bed next to him. He rolled to face the opposite direction and pretend to sleep. When he thought I'd cum he turned over to look at me. I looked back at him and we stared at each other for a long moment before I said "I'm not done." "Oh, I thought you came," he said, turning back away. I finished up and turned off the light. Last night, I lay in bed while he was on the computer and quietly masturbated myself to yet another silent orgasm. I don't think he even noticed. Well, maybe but he never let on....

Age is just a number... two.

So I figure I need to explain myself a little better. I think the assumption is that I'm afraid no one will want me anymore when I turn 30. Or now. Or something. Look, I'm not thrilled by the idea of turning 30 but I have another 11 months to cope. By the end of that time, I will hopefully find the whole thing very empowering... yada yada yada.

The thing with the age, though, is more about me when I was younger. About my views on sex and sexuality and age. As I get older I realize there are differences in maturity levels and it becomes clear that what I thought was acceptable at 19 isn't the same thing that I find acceptable at 29. While my own age preferences have gone up the IDEA of an "age preference" has become less important. At eighteen, twenty-nine seemed very mature, very sinister. Now, though, I realize that it's not SO much different. Different, yes, different enough that I don't want anything to do with eighteen year olds. That level of maturity is just... annoying. But to exclude someone because they're older than me... by some set amount... doesn't really make a lot of sense, anymore.

Turns out, maybe being "older" isn't that big of a deal.

Which isn't to say I don't still require a certain level of attractiveness. I'm a young American, after all. And there are social rules that have been drilled into me.

So now I can look at people who say they want someone no more than age 32 and shake my head in wonder at their naivety. I don't want that person. They clearly have more growing to do and if they aren't interested in me two years from now, I'm not so interested in them right now. But more importantly, who the hell says they're interested in older women, but not over 32. Who the fuck told them 33 was old and that anyone anywhere near that age (or under) would want to be described as "older"?!?

Age is just a....

So I was looking through some personal ads. Looking for hot, meaningless sex. Meaninglessly. I'm not sure I mean it.

Turns out, there are a lot of guys looking for sex. Who knew? But what surprises me the most is that I'm suddenly noticing the age limits imposed by those horny boys. "I like older women. Please don't be over 30." As I near that milestone age I'm suddenly struck by the oddity that were I mere 11 months older I'd be of no interest. 11 months. I don't think I look or feel all that different from how I looked 5 years ago. What's 11 months?

Which got me to thinking about where I draw my own lines. If 11 months are nothing... what's a few years? What's any of it in the grand scheme of things?

Not that I want an 18 year old. When I was 18 I didn't want an 18 year old... as it turns out, that hasn't changed. Well, there are exceptions. But they're few and far between.

But, yeah, so as I get older, I recognize the frustration so many men have related to me about age. It's really galling to be excluded from someone's interest merely because of a number which doesn't serve to represent me at all.

It would appear...

that I mostly just annoy Martin at this point. And I actually totally get that. He's a pretty proactive kind of guy and it's obvious he finds my situation frustrating. Namely, he thinks I'm a total fool to still be with Husband, knowing husband doesn't fuck me. The thing is, much as I often get frustrated by the lack of sex, I'm also totally okay with it. Afterall, I never have to have sex when I don't want to. The down side being I never get to have sex when I do. However, I CAN look elsewhere for that. And it's really fucking hot to be free to fuck whomever I want without worrying too much about all the relationship drama.

Look, I admit my situation isn't ideal. But, I'm pretty sure even just 10 years from now I won't look back and think "gah, I wasted my life." Which isn't to say I won't ever think that... but I'm pretty confident I won't.

I've started looking on adultfriendfinder again hoping to stumble across someone I want. However, I've spent enough time on the site to know that doesn't happen very often to me. I'm very picky. Very, very picky.

Anyway. Off to work.

Drunk typing

I have this terrible, terrible problem that the name I deleted off this blog is still related to it, thanks to Google. Gah. I will not be terribly surprised if Martin happens across this and goes "hmmm...." I don't think it'd take much to put two and two together. Hopefully he's either got the sense to realise this isn't really "reality" in the long term sense... (think the following quote I stole off someone: it's just a stupid diary of a stupid girl) so much as my immediate thoughts and feelings about things. Obviously people change, as do their views on things. So anyway, I'm just saying what was true of before and what I thought before is not always what I think and know now. Am I making sense? Or maybe he has the sense to leave me my "privacy."

I definitely like Keith reading. Or did. I loved him knowing things about me that others in my real life couldn't and didn't. On the other hand, it's limited me about what I write about. My ongoing desire for Keith is kind of embarrassing to me and I hate the idea of him knowing the reality of how much I still want him.... except I totally do.

Yeah, I'm a little too drunk to be blogging. I might not much much sense. I have to work tomorrow, early, too. Poor planning.

But god damn I'm horny....

Contact

A while ago Keith informed me he'd be in my city and to please get back to him. And then... nothing. I waited to hear from him again but there was no further communication. He barely tried to get in touch with me. It was all very weird. I finally got to "talk" to him again today and as it turns out he's decided not to come visit my city. In fact, he would have come just to see me. At least, that's my take.

Wow.

If a guy's willing to fly across the country just to see me, you must know that was some pretty fucking spectacular sex.

But he chickened out. Which is good since I did, too.

He keeps telling me I'm right, he and I could never work out as a couple. And I keep thinking "but..." because part of me wants nothing more than to be with him.

As it turns out, though, I'm terribly married.

But that so doesn't mean he's not the star of each and every one of my fantasies....

Quick N' More

So, to quickly update, Husband managed to make up for his birthday faux pas and we're golden. While he's never been very birthday attentive, this was an inexplicably bad choice on his part. Way to make me feel like he thinks I don't matter at all. However, like I said, he did make up for it very nicely and all is forgiven. So long as it doesn't happen again.

Meanwhile, we spent some time with some of Husband's extended family. At one point the two of us were alone with an older male relative of his. And he insisted on telling us a story about learning to use the internet. I saw where the story was going very early in the conversation and had to walk away in horror for a few moments so I could pull myself together. But I simply HAD to hear the story just so I had something to write about! The story went on to be about one of the other older male relatives teaching him how to find porn in the internet and his own abortive attempt to find porn without his wife finding out.

Oh my god. I know my own generation didn't invent sex, but there are some things that are best left in the closet! On the other hand, it both amuses and gives me hope that as I grow older I'll still enjoy sex and sexuality as much as I have for years.

Is that a joke?

The other day was my birthday.

A woman came into work and offered me a kiss. I declined, embarrassed and forgot about the whole thing. A while later one of my male coworkers came up to me and said "I hear you got offered a kiss." "How the hell did you hear about that??!" I asked. He never responded, but I'm pretty sure I know who it was via process of elimination. Later in the day with a bunch of my other coworkers running around he said "Happy birthday, would you like a kiss?" I think I managed to look really embarrassed and when I tried to respond found my voice gone. I left the area quickly.

The problem is that I work with only a few males. And none of them is particularly hot. He, however, is easily the hottest of them. In fact, some women might even say he IS hot. But I try really hard not to think of him that way. So when he asked if I wanted a kiss, part of me wanted to say "yes!" The other day I caught myself fantasizing about him. I quickly stopped and now he's flirting with me? I soooo don't need a crush on this man.

However, as a testament to how really horny I am, I found myself gazing longingly at the guy behind the counter at whole foods. It's not that he was so hot but that mattered not at all. He kind of reminded me of someone in a very vague way. And I wanted to nail him.

Meanwhile, to put things in their worst possible light... I picked out my birthday present months ago. I told husband I would be buying it and that it might as well be my birthday present. We were at a book store several days before my birthday and I suggested he go and pick me out a card before we left. He declined, saying he'd do it later. Here comes my birthday and I wake husband up early for a reason unrelated to anything else and then 20 minutes later finally remind him to say happy birthday to me. That evening, husband and I go and get my present, picking it up and paying for it myself. I call my sister and make plans for the three of us to go out to dinner. When the bill comes, I pay. We went to whole foods and picked out some sweets to eat as my "birthday cake." We reach the counter and I pay. I drive us all home, dropping off my sister. Once inside the house, we eat our sweets, watch some tv and go to bed. Husband kisses me perfunctorily as usual and that's that. At which point I pretty much repeated what I've typed here back to him. I didn't even get a mother fucking card from him. Not a post it. Nothing.

This reminds me very much of the divorce chronicles I've read from others. "Celebrations" of holidays still occur but they become very impersonal. Suddenly the cards and presents are thoughtless or nonexistent. I totally understand that I paid for everything using our joint account so it matters not at all that I pulled out my card, but it's really the thought. Or in this case, the thoughtlessness. I mean, really, should I take this as anything OTHER than a message?

Hello Libido

I'm so god damned tired it verges on the ridiculous. I was at work 12 hours today. With a 1/2 hour lunch. And that, my friend, is ALL. And yet somehow I managed to be chipper at the end of the day with nary a frown in sight. The fact that the last 20 minutes or so of my day was spent throwing a ball up and down the hall for a super cute lab might have had something to do with my happiness. However, I'm really, really fucking tired. So tired.

The last few nights I've been masturbating myself just before bed. It's an old habit I got into years ago which seemed to be come a necessity when it came to falling asleep at night. In fact, I've actually been masturbating a few times a day of late and glorying in the many and varied orgasms I've had. By hand or with vibe, with lots of build up or a quickie. There have been many orgasms to be had. But I find myself reminded how very gratifying it is to have a wonderful sex partner with an understanding that sex is about so much more than just intercourse. Sure wish I had one of those guys around, these days. They're few and far between but soooo wonderful once found....

Just thinking about it is making me need to go get myself off once more before bed....

Ache

It's that time of the month again. (Well, given the way my body works... that time of the year, but I digress). This is the first time I've started using the Diva Cup. First off, I love it, very very much. But I've yet to actually take it into public. At least at home, it's been great.

So, I was chatting up husband when I was stopped short by the TV. The guy said something about "so you're okay with other men groveling all over your wife." I turned off the TV and asked husband to please demonstrate this to me. Which he did. He moved on top of me and began wiggling begging and groveling and I lay there silently until I finally had to laugh. And then suddenly said "god, I want cock." As it turns out the Diva Cup is much larger in girth than your average feminine hygiene product and which I generally can't feel it... there is a certain strange feeling of "almost fullness" generated by the way I was laying with my husband between my legs.

God, damn I wanted to fuck. But of course, I don't get to.

I did, however, spend a good long time this morning masturbating. I told husband what I was going to do and took care of myself in the bedroom while reading some vaguely erotic stories. In fact, I had some troubles printing them up and was getting really angry that all I ever wanted to do was masturbate to some erotica and couldn't.....

Hours later, husband came in and told me he was going to masturbate. Normally, we don't generally warn one another of our intentions so much as we just try to do it when the other is in bed. For the following reason. I waited a few minutes and wandered out to bug the crap out of him. Three times. The third time I checked out what he was masturbating to (he was quick to close the pictures but I could see the boring, boring descriptions) at which point I found myself realizing what a closet pervert I really am. "Where's the violence? Where's the submission? Skull fucking? SOMETHING?" I asked. It was kind of funny, really. I jerked him off a little and went back to the bedroom and fell asleep.

I could have been more help. But he never asked. He hinted, but I was too tired to pay attention. Too hungry for fucking to tolerate getting him off and leaving me with a limp cock in my hand.

And yet I'm happy today.

I got a message from Keith about 14 days ago, that I didn't get until last week saying he was coming to my city for a few days. I replied and have anxiously checked my emails, myspace, and this page for any hint of response from him but radio silence is complete. I'm both disappointed and a little relieved....

Credit where credit is due.

I've been exceptionally sick the last few days. Almost a whole week, actually. I missed two whole days of work which made me cringe since I work such long days and don't get sick leave. But I was seriously too ill to be there. It was bad. I'm finally just starting to recover from the 3 day 10# weight loss and subsequent weakness, dizziness, and general inability to do much. I suddenly understand a lot better the difficulty pro fighters go through when trying to "make weight." Except they lose all that weight and more within hours not days. Frightening.

As I finally started recovering, I found myself staying awake more. Given as much as I'd slept previously my schedule was seriously fucked up. Still is, actually. I think I got up about three times after 1am one morning and one of those times interrupted husband's masturbating. I wasn't about to help at all. My stomach was still tender and I was easily winded. I pretended not to notice as he pretended not to have been masturbating and I got my glass of water and went back to bed. Eventually, he came to bed and I decided to get up and masturbate for myself, it'd been at least a week.

A quick, but very delightful, orgasm later I sat in front of the computer feeling my body's wondering internal twinges of delight. Sated but not yet really tired I checked the blogs as I always do. Then I suddenly felt nostalgic for back when I was having regular, casual sex. I flipped back to the early days and read about some sex I had with Husband. And was suddenly sad. Husband's and my sex life has never been great. I hardly remember it even being a weekly event when we first married. However, there have been some times when we've had some really great sex. I hate to admit it to myself because it just makes me sad about what I'm missing, but Husband can be an amazing lover. There has been at least one time when he's absolutely blown me away with his ability to manipulate me and make me honestly beg for more, giving it in a way I'd never have expected from him.

I often don't give him enough credit. I have to admit it's particularly unforgivable when it's within the context of my blog that I can't even point to him and say he has proven himself quite capable of being my best lover of all. Because it's true. Not long after sleeping with Keith, husband took me into his arms one night and made me beg for his touch, arching and sighing and pulling him close because he made me feel thing I've never felt before with anyone. It was as if he read my mind and knew exactly what I needed. While Keith is the master of most things and with time and practice could learn to take me from intense desire to intense obsession, even with him it hadn't been like THAT.

Gah, I find myself sorely tempted to go wake up husband in a very, very delightful way....

Edited to add:

Scratch that. The man is terribly inhospitible to waking up and rolling the hell onto his back this morning. No surprises for him. Really, it's no wonder no one in this house gets laid.