Oh... that could be a problem.

Yesterday, Jones came in. He called me, gave me one of his "you want me" stares with a slow smile, and said "hi." I really ought to point out, at this point, that Jones is 100% sure that he is hot. He is 100% sure that women desire him. He's also 100% sure he can charm any woman he wants. He's 98% right. Fucker. Needless to say, he's WELL versed in flirting and how to make a woman feel desired. Which is why I resist him. Aint nobody in this world needs to be THAT confident. So I waved and walked away with a coworker.

Nothing else of note happened.

However, I do have a new employee to contend with. He's young, and in college. And totally the kind of guy I dig. Well, not my FIRST choice in the physical department he's definately a close second. Now, my feelings will probably change as I work with him. Probably not for the better. But for now... I'm going to have to try really hard to keep my attraction to him a secret.

Counter

I'm seriously considering putting up a masturbation counter. Because god damn am I a busy girl. I like it.

Yesterday, Jones came in with the adolecent I mentioned in a recent post. I finally figured out that the kid is Jones' nephew. And his daughter came in for some reason (she knew he'd be there). Turns out his daughter is like... my age. Creepy.

Jones was flirting pretty hard with me. And I let him, a little. The more I think about the actual idea of sleeping with him (or even just carrying on anything more than a mild flirtation) the more I think it would be a very very bad idea. Now his brother....

Anyway, Jones made it a point to stand way too close to me. As I was leaning against a truck he came over and leaned against me in the same way, as if I weren't there. His body pressed against mine, causing the most delightful pressure. He moved away just as I thought "wow, that's lovely...." I love the weight of a man's body.... He later tried to draw me into the back of a truck but I declined. Just such a bad idea....

Foul Mood

Today started out with promise. I spent the morning with husband, kissing him a few times. He was receptive to my advances, though I didn't have time to act on it. It was really nice. A good send off.

I got to work and Li wasn't there. But he was going to be. And I was in an exceptionally good, flirty mood.

But he never showed up.

And I could have flirted with one of the other guys there but he brough either his son or some other relative and it just felt wrong to flirt with him in front of the young teenager. The boy isn't blind or retarded after all.

Li never called. Hours later I called him on my cell to see what was up. He didn't answer. Finally, he called me back. I explained a work situation. He told me he had a really bad headache from all this and was "looking at some other options." Because apparently it was "too much" for him to deal with. I got irritated. I said, "alrighty. Bye." and that was that. I hung up feeling aprehensive and annoyed.

I was reminded why I tend to be extremely antisocial. Why all my friends are kept at arms length. I don't LIKE feeling like the person I'm talking to is far less interested in me than I am in them. Fuck you. FUCK YOU, I say.

So I'm grumpy.

I'll feel better.

Just not right now.

Yay.

Further flirtatious e-mails are being sent between husband's friend and myself. I asked husband "won't you be mad if I sleep with your friend?" be he claims not. Guess we'll find out. I mean, if we can keep things like... right. If I feel even an inch more uncomfortable about things, I'll drop it.

Meanwhile, I very nearly went back on the pill this month but changed my mind because I can definately feel my libido coming back and I LIKE IT. I'm starting to eye men with more appreciation. It's a very pleasant thing.

So much potential fun.

Yesterday was husband and my sixth anniversary. Crazy. I got him tickets to see a show (with myself and his friend). He got me nothing. At all. Nothing. Mmm. That's my romantic husband for you. He told me "I was in a GOOD MOOD ALL DAY. I didn't complain at all." Remembering his bitchy mood earlier I disagreed. "You did TOO. I'm Husband and I can't find my toy. Waaaaaaaaah." "Yeah, focus on the negative," he replied. I mean, for fuck's sake. But really, neither of us was mad. I just found myself somewhat disappointed. Not even a CARD. I mean... since WHEN don't I AT LEAST get a CARD? Fuck, I'd even take an e-card! Instead I get NOTHING.

Although, here's the funny part. Early in the morning, after I'd been up for an hour or so, husband said "Happy anniversary!" I stared at him blankly. "Oh. Yeah! I forgot," I finally said. He replied "Oh. You were acting kind of pissy. I thought you were mad I'd forgotten." I smiled, baring my teeth. "Yeah, I'm mad YOU forgot. Yes! Very." Of course, I'm NOT a morning person, so of course I was acting pissy. Nothing to do with him.

Anyway, when I bought the tickets I bought an extra one so we could take Husband's friend with us. I spent the better part of the night flirting with him. I made it a point to turn the conversation to the sexual whenever possible, just to tease the hell out of him. Apparently he's one of those sorts who likes to talk dirty during sex. Possibly expecting answers to various silly questions. Like "Who's your daddy." Well, maybe not that one. Anyway, I find that INCREDIBLY distracting nine times out of ten. I'll chance it, though.

The last half of the show I was having visions of how best to get him alone and at least get him to kiss me. (He's rather a bit taller than I am so it's difficult to force the issue). Of course, none of that happened. When we got back to his place (where our car was) I asked him if his bathroom was open for business. The three of us went upstairs and when he opened the door his STBXwife was sitting on the couch. There was no question of privacy. Although we stood unnaturally close together which only served to make me nervous.

And then husband completed his business and we left.

This morning I sent him an e-mail in response to the one he sent yesterday morning (but which I didn't recieve until this morning) telling him I was terribly sorry about the lack of nudity for him in the show. And for my disappointment at having to invite myself up to his place. And then the utter lack of privacy.

I wonder where this will go?

As an aside, he was driving his SUV, husband sat up front with him and I ended up sitting behind the driver. In the darkness of the late evening, I touched myself enjoying the incredibly bumpy road. Unfortuantely, I didn't even try more than passingly for an orgasm. It would have been a much more interesting story if I had, though.

Horn!

Oh, lord. Just started my period today. My first clue that it was coming was the rapid (and rabid) ingestion of salt... sweet... salt... sweet. The second... i was freezing my ass off the other day. And it was about 80. Thirdly? My incredibly horniness.

I think I've masturbated 5 times in the last 24 hours. And was telling husband "I need to FUCK. I want to FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!" But no fucking for me. No birthcontrol divice we both find acceptable was available (the pill... creams... whatever) so no fucking. Oh, fuck.

So I'm horny. Li should be there tomorrow. Like I really need Li around when I want to fuck so bad. Shoot, one of the guys from work (TJ) was wanding around. TJ is a terrible flirt. Which is to say he's reasonably attractive and flirtatious as hell. And I woulda given into my baser urges and hit that because I WANT TO FUCK. I told him I wanted him to come see something and to come with me and he started unbutton his shirt, "I've been waiting for you to ask me that." And I was totally into it. Although I'm sure I looked dispassionate. My hormones said "fuck!" my brain said "not a good idea but...."

It'll go away. I won't need to fuck quite so bad, soon. Besides, having my period so makes me NOT feel desirable. Sure, I'd have sex during it, but preferably with someone I've slept with previously because it's kind of a more personal, intimate thing, I think. I don't think I have any willing participants so I'll sit here quietly until the horniness passes and I'm "back to normal."

Anyway. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Marathon fuck, please. Oh, please.

I heard one of the songs that was playing the first time I had sex with the ex. It reminded me of the spectacular marathon sex we used to have. Mmm. Sex.

New TV.

Today, I went and bought a new TV for the bedroom upstairs. We mostly stay downstairs and watch the 30" tv which might not be all that NOW but was terribly pricey when we bought it because of the aspect ratio and HD feature. Upstairs had the super sweet 13". Yeah, baby. We do it in style. I liked having 13" in the bedroom. Except it was the wrong kind.

Now we have a 20" LCD flatscreen up there. Cheapo for what it is, guaranteed to bust in a few years, but so nice to have something bigger in the bedroom. Which is to say maybe I'll spend more time up there. Probably masturbating. Now I have somewhere to watch all those old VHS porn tapes I bought way back when....

Annoyingly my internet connection on this computer broke completely and then randomly and inexplicably righted it self again. No explaination. It just works, now. I'm not complaining. However, while it was out I was sent into a frenzy trying to find the disc with the internet set up info on it. I find out cardboard holder which it came in and triumpantly slipped it's contents into my CD/DVD drive only to discover I'd replaced the internet CD with porn. In fact, most of my porn disk holders are empty... and my other disks have been replaced with porn. I have my priorities straight.

Foolish me.

Last night, husband came home from work tired. Sore. "You would NOT believe the workout they made us do yesterday," he told me. "And then today they thought it would be a good idea to make us run 3.2 miles!" He headed up to bed to lay down, turn on the TV, and read. "I might not stay up there if I start getting stiff."

I giggled. "If you start getting stiff, call me!"

"what?"

"If you start getting STIFF... call me!"

"Ah. I doubt that."

I went back to my game but became frustrated. I went upstairs to lay with him, needing his soothing company. As we lay together I reached to feel his shorts. "Guess you're not stiff yet."

We lay quietly his eyes on the tv. Some innocuous g4-techtv show. Husband tells me, "I have a chubby." I reach down and check. It's firm, though not yet hard. Fuckable. I could move over him, slip him inside of me and feel him grow to full hardness, feel it flexing to reach deeper. "I think it's more than a chubby," I tell him.

He pulls his shorts down and I began to trail a teasing finger through his pubic hair and over the shaft of his cock. He bites his lip, squirming. "Don't tickle me!" I continue until he gets fed up and pulls his shorts back up. Covered now again, I use more firm pressure. There's something about hard cock under fabric I can't resist. I work on bringing him to full hardness. He pulls his shorts back down, playing the "you can't tell that I'm pulling them down" game. Once freed, I immediately go back to tickle teasing him. He groans. "You're going to give me blue balls."

I laugh. I move my hand down to cup and massage his balls. "That should help." He groans again. "YEAH, that's going to HELP." I laugh, again. I kiss his pec, letting my tongue trail over his skin briefly. Salty. I won't put my mouth on his cock. Instead, I watch as his hand moves to begin touching himself. I interfere, letting my hand take over. Stroking just right. But only for a minute. I stop touching him altogether. I love to know he wants to be touched... and not doing it. Finally, his hand makes it's way back to his cock and I let him, my fingers moving once again to his balls. Realizing there's nothing to clean up with, I leave him, rushing for fear he'll finish without me.

He awaits my return and we finish where we left off. I listen to him cum, my fingers on the crux of his legs. "You're the best masturbation tool, EVER" he tells me. I smile, "am I your flesh light?" He shakes his head, "no... no batteries. No electricity... well... okay, you have electricity but... let's just start over okay? You're my flesh light." I smile.

I gotta get him to help me cum sometime soon, too. Fairs fair. I should have been fucked, though. Could have been. IF I'D BEEN ON THE PILL.

What would I do?

If there was no porn I'd be so SOL when it comes to orgasms.

I've decided that traditional porn sex has lost most of it's interest for me. I'm now only pleased by watching men give oral, or anal... or... like... just something that's somewhat less common. But that's just for watching.

I still looooooooooove being fucked.

Especially after a particularly shitty day at work.

Thank god for dildos.

And memories of really fantastic sex....

Annoying.

Apparently half the internet doesn't work right now. And I'm not sure why. I can't check my e-mail. I can't visit some of the sites I regularly visit. I can't log on to my cell phone account (although my husband can). I can't visit at least one of the sites I need for business (tried both at work and at home).

No sense is coming from this.

And Mozilla Firefox STILL doesn't work. I tried top uninstall it but it does this half-assed uninstall which leaves behind all it's information so the next time you install it... oh... there's all my same favorites and everything....

I could probably figure it out if I tried hard enough but I want to fucking know why I HAVE to "try hard enough" in the first fucking place. When I tell you to get the fuck out of my computer... you GO. COMPLETELY. None of this "okay, but I'm not packing my things" shit, okay?

Am I frustrated and bitter? How could you tell?

Secret, Secret....

I have so many amusing work stories from today to share. Except I won't share them here. Except maybe this one...

I was looking for something in the very crowded messy warehouse. I stepped forward to look at a box. A rake came up and hit me hard. On the shoulder. I was glad it was not my face. I said "ow!" very loudly. And then laughed at the slapstick comedy of the whole thing. Turns out it doesn't just happen in cartoons. Damned rakes.

Onto something more interesting.

Last night I considered that'd been several days since I'd masturbated... or even felt the urge. So I decided to do so. I lay in bed while husband was downstairs, but he came upstairs before I was done. So I stopped, trying to seem innocent. He went to the bathroom and I thought "I think I can finish before he's out, and he'll never know! Ha!" so I masturbated with silent abandon. I came within about a minute, the only thing changing was my breathing. As I lay there trying to catch my breath I realised it would be a dead giveaway so I took a couple of deep breaths and calmed my breathing just before husband came out of the bathroom.

"Did you just have an orgasm?" he asked.

How the FUCK did he hear that? I stared at him a second, considering lying. Then admitted I had, and giggled myself silly. He told me he heard my breathing. How the FUCK did he hear that?!?

Damned man, ruining my secret fun.

You might consider me cloistered.

I'm spending much time in contemplation of God of War... so much so that my forearms are somewhat sore. I grip the controller rather tightly at times, it seems. Oops.

I must return to the slaughter.

Crap day tomorrow.

And tomorrow's crap day starts way too early. I get to spend most of the day in a stupid-ass training session. I'm going to try very hard to think it's interesting but mostly I expect to feel annoyed.

Meanwhile, shortly after showing up for work one of the Jones came in. Jones is one of the guys I've mentioned previously who comes to do some contracting work at my business. To preface ALL of this, Jones came in the last time I worked and brought his brother to help out. Jones' brother is HOT. So, when Jones came in I told him, "He doesn't need to know this but your bother is really... he's really built." I giggled shyly.

Jones got that sly look he gets "I'll tell him you said something."

"No!" I yelped. "He does NOT need to know!"

Jones frowned, "why not?"

"Because he just doesn't!"

He smiled again, "it's funny because he said something about you, too." I got all shy and blushy. I never quite figured out what it was his brother said about me (or if he really did say anything about me at all). Besides the shy and blushy bit, I got incredibly (and unexpectedly) horny as hell. I mean, like, immediate and unignorable wetness. I wanted to cum right then. However, since that CLEARLY wasn't an option I kept it together.

When Jones left I definately got the feeling he was going to tell his brother. Which wouldn't neccessarily be a bad thing. Except it makes me nervous. I really do try to keep my sex away from my work....

I'm not an ass woman.

However, I sure have been noticing a lot of those, lately. On men. Deliciously firm, things leading up to narrow waists.. broad shoulders... did I mention my love of broad shoulders? I do. Love them. A lot.

There was a guy at the store. Husband was there and I wanted to point this super hot guy out to him. Except husband doesn't GET it. Whereas I can point a hot chick out to him (and most often hear "I know") pointing out hot guys doesn't interest him at all.

But I got all giggly none the less.

I want to fuck men. Lots of men. With broad shoulders. And hot mouths.

De lovely.

I think I have spring fever. And if I have it... well. Work might suck for a while.

Meanwhile, husband and I are snuggly and happy. Last night he even made out with me, though neither of us had sex in mind. That was awesome.

Not that I'm not still lusty. I'm just in a seriously good mood.

Titter.

I spent the day being generally irritable and entirely horny. Clearly, I need some.

As I was walking from one part of the building to another I gazed upon the beauty that was this super hot guy in a tucked in thing t-shirt and loose fitting pants. So yummy. I love the curve of a man's waist into the flare of lats and broad shoulders. Sexy. I had to hide a huuuuuuuge grin as I walked past because it made me feel so very good just to see and want a hot guy. Being off the pill is WONDERFUL.

While I was running around like a crazy woman at work, Evando saw me. I was having a rather rushed, unpleasant day today and while I was trying to run out of the house I couldn't find a rubber band for my hair so I left it down. I spent a lot of the day out in the rain, working so my face was flushed just a bit and my hair just damp enough to lay just right. Basically, I had to admit I was looking pretty decent all things considered. I passed by him and he said "those people over there need some help. And you look sexy!" I didn't have time to respond and in fact didn't see him again for the rest of the night. But I was pleased. Greatly. I wanted to go hunt him down in the hopes of being fawned over.

Meanwhile, this OTHER semi-hot guy from work showed up and brough his brother... who was WAY hot. Me: *drool* Except I didn't have time to check him out more than passingly, either. Which really really disappointed me. He was FINE.

Tomorrow... I'm off. However, I'll go to work at least briefly to pick something up and talk to my manager about the thing that kept me running around like a nutcase all evening. And supposedly Li will be there....

Solo

Last night I took some nyquil and crawled into bed. It was all I could do to actually get under the covers and arrange my pillows. I just wanted to crash. Husband came to tuck me in and I told him that I was supposed to start the pill Sunday (today) but that I didn't think I would, because I didn't see much point in it. The amount of sex he and I have is negligable and doesn't make it worth it... and I feel soooooooo much better being off the pill. "I might even go sleep around again!"

Now, at the time I was really really really tired so I was no in no condition to guage reaction but he seemed okay with it. I hope. I can check in on that later this afternoon before I make a final decision.

Meanwhile, he left the room and I lay there for about a minute before I decided I was too desperately horny and HAD to cum. Which I did rather quickly, a single (very tired) hand being my sole source of stimulation. With nothing inside, my body doesn't really cum as completely as it is capable so while the orgasm isn't as intense, it lasts longer. So, as I drifted off to sleep my body continued to tingle deep inside.

One of my dogs crawled under the covers with me and snuggled up close. A lovely way to fall asleep.

Fun.

Last night I was bored and aching to do something fun. ANYTHING. But nothing really came up. So I got the bright idea to call husband's friend and see what he was up to and if the three of us could hang out.

We ended up going over to his place and hanging out for the better part of the night. We watched part of an older gangsta movie and then moved on to him playing what it probably my favorite game right now, Katamari Damacy. We'd brought it for him to play. However, it's really hard to sit and watch someone else play when all you want to do is take over and do it your damned self! However, we hung. We chatted. We entertained ourself. Once husband and I were good and tired we started getting ready to go and his friend flipped the game off.

The TV happened to be on HBO and at a glance I said "ah, Taxi Cab confessions." "You're good!" the friend said. I smiled "yeah, I've watched a few episodes. But it's never really that interesting." The friend disagreed, "some of them are really good." At which point this woman spreads her legs and starts playing with herself. And then her boyfriend starts. Her breasts are showing and he's got his hand going between her legs, all the while the guy looks completely normal while she writhes and moans. Suddenly, she moves around on the seat and he starts going down on her. I have a moment of... god knows what. What started as a normal evening has just degenerated.

I'm sitting on the couch. Husband and his friend are standing a bit off to my right... and friend's STBX comes walking in and see's what's on tv "I was wondering what you were watching!" I have nothing to say.

We all stay in our places, transfixed. And then cabbie starts turning around to watch... even as he drives. Talk begins again, laughing at the cab driver for being such a voyeur (like we're not).

Next up is a transexual. No nudity. Just much amusement between us all. Eventually the show ends and we leave.

Except I forgot my wallet. I turn around, as husband waits, and knock. His friend lets me in, "don't try to steal my wallet again!" I tell him (referencing absolutely no incidents of previous wallet stealing). I step inside and he closes the door. We walk to the couch. "I don't have it in my back pockets! You can feel!" he says, leaning over to look for my wallet. I momentarily consider it, but stop myself. He lifts the couch cushion and finds it. "I was trying to leave incriminating evidence," I tell him. "Go ahead!" he says. I laugh. I have to put my shoes back on. I'm intimately aware of the fact that he's standing so close behind me, and I have to bend over to put on my shoes....

Nothing happens. I leave, just as I enterered. Talking to husband's friend, a few sexual innuendos from him. "It only took about 35 seconds. Next time it'll last longer. Got to build up the momentum" he says. Husband's lost. "What?"

We go home.

I go to bed horny. I wake up horny.

I like being off the pill.

Friend will be over later this week. What to do? What to do.....

Bleh

I saw Li today, again. It was a pleasant surprise. Until we virtually ignored one another. Too many people around. I tried not to ignore him but ended up doing so, and he tends to be rather easily offended sometimes. So much for that.

Meanwhile I was walking to get my lunch when I found myself gazing at man after man thinking "man!" Yeah. That's me. I was hoping one of them would be atleast attractive... but none of them were. That sucked, too.

I sent a message to husband's friend (did I ever come up with a name for him?) flirting right back after he flirted with me. It makes me nervous that he'll take it too seriously. But I kinda want him to. Except I don't.

Yep. I'm decisive.

Let it be said.

Husband and I are doing pretty darned well together. Besides having had sex recently (which puts me in a lovely mood) which was quite pleasant for both of us, we did have that talk last month... and a shorter more pleasant version this month. I'm not miserable anymore. Not by a long shot.

Don't get me wrong, I could still use a heck of a lot more affection. Yesterday, as I was explaining that I'm really NOT planning on leaving him anytime soon because I'm okay, I put my arms around him... and he put his arms around me... and we hugged and we kissed... and I realised that we haven't really kissed lovingly in a really really long time. There's the morning kisses (off to work) and the bedtime kisses (goodnight) but nothing really in between.

I could still use the in between. But I'm not dying without it. I'm not crying over it. Besides, he's not THAT great of a kisser anyway! Heh heh.

Revisited.

I took the Dante's inferno test months ago. I was originally slated for level 4. Now... this. Apparently I'm less treacherous than I used to be. Go figure.


The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Third Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Extreme
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very High

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

The Long Talk

Actually, it wasn't the long talk. We had that last month. I brought up the D word that day. And added "I sit here some days and try to figure out how the fuck I'm going to make it on my own with the dogs... and know that financially I just can't and I need to figure something out."

It got his attention for a while. He swears he's trying to be less complacent. And it's true. I'm much less miserable.

So we watched Oprah (well, okay, I did) and I made fun of the couples on the show. Well, one in particular, and we talked about our own relationship. Much as he hates having those kinds of talks, it helps me a lot. Just to know where we stand and what's going on. I never liked feeling SO completely disconnected from him as I have in the last year. I finally told him, "you know, I DON'T like feeling like there are things I'm NOT allowed to talk about with you. I hate that." Maybe he gets it. Maybe not.

However, it was a good talk. And I don't think he was upset by it. Which is very good.

No sex.

Since this has become my sole blog (and I haven't been keeping a paper journal) this has become my only outlet for my writing. Mostly it's okay that it's about sex. Today, not so much. I need to whine.

Years ago I had a pet rat. She was exceptionally important to me as a pet, so much so that I snuck her on a plane to travel cross country with her. About a year and a half later she died and it was heartbreaking for me. Of course I was prepared for her death but it was still very difficult to see her go and it still has the ability to upset me.

Fast forward to two months ago. Wandering through a pet store I came across a rat in need of adoption. Someone gave her up to the store so they'd find her a home. I decided to be that home and named her Min. However, with two dogs it's been difficult to give her the time and attention she needs. And rats, being very social creatures, really need a lot of attention.

Fast forward again to last night. I'd already decided to get Min a companion. I bought a larger cage (over $100 worth of cage, I might add) and then had to rush from one pet store to another before they closed trying to find another female rat. Success occurred 8 minutes before that particular store closed.

I took a huge chance and put together the new cage and moved both rats in without introduction. There were a few small tiffs but nothing serious. I watched them well into the night and discovered while they tollerated one another they wouldn't sleep together. I put the white box the second rat had been in into the cage. And as Min climbed over it, discovered blood. I checked her out thoroughly but could find no source. I put her back... and more blood. Watery. I continued to watch and came to discover it's coming from either her vagina or her bladder. Whatever the case may be, that's not normal healthy rat behavior. She's either got an infection or a tumor. And either has the possibility of being fatal.

How pissed off am I going to be if Min dies right after I got her a companion? The two are sleeping together now, having made friends while I was asleep.

I won't be heartbroken if she dies. Just disappointed.

*giggle*

Today pretty much sucked.

I started taking my pill and then said "fuck it" and decided to skip it until my next period. Which just arrived today. About a week and a half after my last one. Because that's what happens when you stop taking the pill. Fuck. So I guess I'll be going back on it on Sun...umm... today? Naw, I'll wait until next week.

Meanwhile, I had to run through the other building and saw Evando (the guy I was flirting with the other day). I watched him until he looked up from what he was doing and immediately had to look away. There's defiantely some kind of chemistry there because I had a huge grin as soon as he glanced at me. It's the only reason I looked away. So he wouldn't see just how he effected me.

No, I still won't sleep with him. . but some reactions are just uncontrolable.

Zzzz.

I'm really tired. I get tomorrow off and I'm WAY looking forward to that. I need it. Badly.

For whatever reason my schedule got flipped around all weird so I didn't get the sort of sleep I'm used to the last couple of days.

I'm not very interesting right now. I may become more interesting tomorrow. One can always hope.

Unfortuantely, I was teased with Li twice last week and he didn't show up the day I was supposed to see him. I wasn't amused. I never bothered to call to ask why. Too busy. So blah.

Ha ha!

There's this guy at work that I like to flirt with. Just a little. We have this shy little back and forth going where he gets too flirty and I'll back off or I'll get too flirty and he'll back off. It's really all innocent but we have fun.

Today I was working in a particular area and ended up with a stray weight lifting strap in my hand. I considered it momentarily and called him over. "Put your hand in here," I said. He frowned, "why?" "Put your hand in here!" "What're you going to do?" "PUT YOUR HAND IN HERE!" I repeated. Finally he held out his hand and I very matter of factly strapped it to his wrist. Just because.

And then I realised that the strap on the end has velcro. At which point I promptly strapped his hand to a nearby metal pole. It was amusing.

He laughed and told me that HE was not into being tied up. Although he *really* seemed to enjoy it. Even the girl who was watching commented on it. He then went on to make a comment about making the strap longer to make it more useful. I was okay with the length.

I freed him (since he had something in his other hand) and he told me "gee, maybe I should go buy that for when I go to see my girlfriend." He's always talking about his girlfriend at times like these. You know, reminders. However, he was flirting with ME. Making references to tying ME up. For a moment. And then, of course... the girlfriend.

It amuses me. I won't fuck him. Even if he begged. But it's fun to flirt. Just a little.

Men.

The first time you fuck them is the LAST time you get a body massage*.

* said in humor, not bitterness. Really.

Fantasy

Every so often I sit down and think about something and think "I ought to come up with a fantasy about that."

I don't really fantasize all that often. Maybe for a second in the heat of the moment. Or for a bit afterward. Or when I'm REALLY horny and frustrated. Or the day after a particularly good shagging (always wanted to use that word). Okay, so I fantasize a little. But not like... to GET horny. Or to get off. It just doesn't work that way with me.

So I was considering Mr. Peterson (yeah, the killer... AGAIN) and thinking how different his life could have been. And how hot he is.

And I continue to find the whole thing exceptionally disturbing. Thank god it's only thoughts. It has nothing to do with the homocidal/infanticidal thing, either. I swear. I just find him deliciously hot and think he ought to have been a movie actor. And then I stop myself. Because I just don't want to think about him that way because he's a killer. You know?

On another note, I think I might really like that movie Win A Date with Tad Hamilton. I've only watched the begining so far but it's kind of sappy sweet but in a way I appreciate. And I have a thing for Topher Grace, who I'm amazed to discover is ACTUALLY MY AGE! And there's a soft spot in my heart for Josh Duhamel who was on All My Children during the time when I had nothing to do all day at work and got only one channel's worth of reception. Oh, and he looks pretty hot in this movie, too. And he's older than me. Which shocks the hell out of me, too.

Anyway. One gets a clue about one of my tastes in men. Clean cut. Cute boy next door. Yummy.

But that's not all....

Snip.

I watched the tail end of a documentary last night about castration. The movie, called American Eunuchs was really pretty interesting. There were some really odd people in the show, of course, who did some really odd things to themselves and others. I ended up staying up to watch a repeat of it so I could catch the beginning.

Among the "characters" was a young couple where the guy had himself completely de-sexed. He found intimacy with his wife unpleasant and made the decision to undergo the procedure. Then start dressing in drag. It was all very odd. Given a final chance to masturbate before going under the knife he quickly and decisively declined with an "absolutely not!" His wife was on camera, trying to be supportive but obviously very uncomfortable with the idea of sex or of sexual organs herself.

It got me to thinking about what would happen if husband were to ever consider such a thing (which believe me is the LAST thing on his mind, he appreciates what his testicles do for him). What would it be like to be married to someone like that? And I realise I'd leave his ass in a heartbeat. Much as I'd wish him luck (although strongly believing he'd be doomed to misery) I don't think I'd be able to hang out for that kind of body mod.

It was just an interesting show about a small (but apparently increasing) part of society.

On a COMPLETELY unrelated note I really have to say that Scott Peterson (yeah, the killer) is like... way hot. Hot people shouldn't do bad things. Especially things that bad. Because it makes me really uncomfortable to find really bad people to be really hot.

Oh, la la.

I'm still sick. But not even as sick as I was this morning. I shall still be working hard to get a lot of rest tomorrow on my 2nd day off since I won't get another until at least next Monday.

I called Li today to ask him where the heck he was and if he'd be in this week. Turns out he'll be in tomorrow. Yeah, my day off. Lovely. I specifically asked my manager "can't Li come in another day of the week than Monday" (which is now, apparently, eternally my day off) but when asked, yesterday (my first day off) if he should come in today (my day on in the middle of my days off) she said "no." Grr. Is she trying to keep me from him!?!

So I'm irritated with her.

But he didn't know any of this, including when he'd be in. I found this all out later. When he did find out when he'd be in he called me back to let me know. Then asked "will you be there?" I told him "no" but felt a secret thrill that he cared enough to ask.

Of course, he followed it up with another question which was entirely work-related and would account for him asking me if I'd be there.

I liked hearing his voice. It made me think of what he'd sound like using that barely above a whisper-post-sex voice....

Blech.

I continue to feel ill. Ill enough to not want to go to work but not ill enough that I'm incapable of work. I don't intend to do much in the way of heavy lifting or running around, though, I'll tell you that for sure!

Not like Sunday when I ended up going home with an incredible fever.

I figure today will be another of those days when all I want to do is go lay the hell down by the end of the day. I'll be really surprised if I don't end up with another fever tonight.

I'm eating less than a 1/4 of what I usually eat which is great for weightloss but I worry that it's going to make my body too weak to fight whatever type of infection this is. I tried eating some cookies last night (mmm... oreos... I LOVE oreos) and managed to get through two before I was done eating. Two.

I'm not even sick to my stomach.

I'm sure I'm going to die.

Okay, maybe not. But I sort of wish I would.

Needless to say Semper Sexualis is now available in a sex-free variety....

If there's anything worse...

I'm sick. AGAIN. I mean, seriously. May be the same stuff. Apparently I over did it yesterday with the not getting enough sleep and too much exercise because I'm dragging ass... with a headache. AGAIN.

Am I being punished for sex?

If there is anything better...

I masturbated a bit ago. And came, of course.

It was rather an unplanned thing. Brought on by god only knows what. Just a sudden, intense, desire to touch myself. The orgasm... surprisingly strong. One of those kinds where the entire world disappears for a good 10 seconds. There is only mind numbing pleasure.

And afterward anything but numbness. The entire inside of my pussy remembers the sensation distinctly. And it trembles with remembered pleasure.

I could spend the day this way....

Well. That took care of that.

This morning I woke up so I could go to work. I ran in and took my morning shower and then went back to wake husband up since it was already almost 11 am and he rarely sleeps that late. I crawled back into bed with him and we talked for a while. Finally I crawled on top of him the playful way I do sometimes and humped on him for a while.

Eventually, I climbed off and suddenly thought "well, it's early morning... " and reached under the blankets and sure enough, he was hard. YES!

So, I slipped off my pants and tried to slide him inside me... but I was way too dry. It wasn't comfortable for either of us. "Are you going to sand my dick off?" he asked me, wincing. So, I gave up. I played with his cock a bit longer before finally deciding to go downstairs. "We can still have sex!" he said. I shrugged. It's not like I was really into it and at this point it was getting toward time for me to leave for work. Generally once I go downstairs I try not to go back upstairs. "Naw," I said. But he was insistant, "please come back. With lube." I shrugged again, "maybe I'll just go masturbate downstairs." "Will that make you wet?" "Yeah." "Then come back upstairs when you're done and we can have sex!" "No. And you better not masturbate."

I went downstairs and let the dogs out... and back in. Grabbed the lube, and went back upstairs for my sex. I mean, much as I wasn't that into it I was bound and determined to have my first sex in something like the last month (or more) and my first sex with him since November 29th. It wasn't long before we were in my favorite position (doggy) and I was cumming. He was tired from thrusting (wha?!?) and lay back on the bed while I recovered from my orgasm. Finally, I moved over and began to play with him a bit, finally urging him to masturbate while I helped.

One orgasm each, and I was off to work at a reasonable hour. It was a very very nice morning.

Morning Woody

How come guys get to have morning woodies and women get... nothing? No pithy name. Nothing. Fuckers.

This morning I woke up horny. I knew I needed to get some laundry done before I went to work. The timing might be kind of tough. But I stayed in bed the extra 15 minutes and masturbated. It wasn't a great orgasm, but it felt so good laying, rubbing my clit... using only my own wetness, my own hands... and of course a book of penthouse letters. Gotta have my porn.

I got out of bed refreshed and ready to start the day.

Nothin'.

I got nothing. Nothing to say. Nothing to do.

I've had a headache for most of the day and ended up having to write up TWO accident reports at work for the two people who worked with me today. Two out of three. I was lucky to survive. One was stupid, one was neccessary. The stupid one wanted his written up because he was jealous of the neccessary one.

I fucking hate the stupid one. I wanted to smack him. Then he ran around telling the manager who was there that he'd wanted to write an accident report sooner but I told him "no." Which was an OUTRIGHT LIE. I couldn't believe it. Luckily, she knew better.

It was about this time I ended up with the tremendous headache. There was a reasonably cute guy around at this time and I would loved to have flirted with him at least a little but I felt awful.

I have, however, been flirting with husband's friend via e-mail. Just a little.

To pill or not to pill.

It's Thursday. I have until close of business (bed time) Sunday to decide if I'm going to go back on the pill this month.

I miss my sex life. And I'm just not horny when I'm on it. And it's not like it's doing me any good since husband ain't taking advantage of it. And it doesn't look like he's going to anytime soon.

So I'm torturing myself with these hormones why, exactly?

btw

I'd like to thank the smartass who found my site looking for a taste of the good wife on yahoo.

And the nicer people who were actually looking for ME who found me on both google and yahoo.

Nice to know someone still cares. Although I continue to question why anyone's looking me up on the search engines by name....

Mmm. Beer.

Husband and I took his friend out for dinner. My idea, thank you very much. I swear I gotta come up with everything!

So we all hung together and chatted. Mostly it was husband's friend chatting. He sure can chat. I threw a few things in, but never too much.

By the end of the night he said something about having gone eight months without having sex. I offered to help him with that. No, actually, I didn't because husband was there. But I should have.

We people watched as the worst waiter EVER served us (or rather failed to... repeatedly). I ended up seeing one of the hottest guys ever which both of the guys I was with had to admit was pretty damned fine. Later husband mentioned something about me leaving a wet spot in the chair over this guy and I had to admit it was MORE than true.

So by the time I got home I was super duper horny. And husband was super duper tired. I crawled over him, "you know when I drink I get horny. And when I have my period I get horny. And when I'm off the pill I get horny. I am SO HORNY right now." But of course, he was tired so I let him be. And I still haven't even masturbated.

That's just so wrong.

I'm seriously considering buying the Canon digital Rebel camera for a pretty penny. If I do that... maybe I'll have to post some interesting pictures. Eh, who am I kidding?

Semper Sexualis

Your clearinghouse for information on lost bloggers....

Yeah, I know what happened to Average Joe. Having not gained permission to broadcast his where abouts directly, I'll keep vaguely mum. However, it's safe to say all links to that blog are now permanently broken.

However, if you were a regular reader (or he was a regular reader of yours) you'll find him sooner than you think.

I still want a better answer for Kathy's disappearance. She can't write notes/e-mails now, either? C'mon now.

But more importantly, what kind of answers can I give those who end up on my page while searching google for "kathy's affair", "a taste of the good wife", and "Mistress Matisse"? Oops. Is my bitterness poking through? Really, it's only a matter of time before I start getting hits on Joe's name.... *sigh* I'm important, too!

As long as I'm putting out calls for information, what the hell happened to Peter of Peter's POV?!? It's heading well into two months of non-activity without explaination....

Score! Sorta.

I did go and buy the chamoise cube I mentioned earlier. The exact one shown, actually. Although in store they have a few other covers on it. This one matches the decor in the living room so. There you go.

I'm not so sure much is going to come of it, but I told husband to position himself on it and tried the fit and it's really perfect. In fact, if it had the extra four inches the Liberator cube boasts, it would be too tall for both myself and the furniture. I was on top... and there was no familiar cramping at the hip or anything. I'm so digging the idea of this.

I lay across husband and moved over him, and kissed him a few times. "This is GREAT," I told him. "I could fuck the hell out of you like this!" After a few moments I got up. "Let me know when we can use this," I said.

And that will be that. I'm sure.

okay....

now wtf happened to "incredibly bad decisions" by average joe? I can't think that anyone who's blog disappeared that way has come back so I'm guessing he's gone. I'll give it a day or so. Unless someone 'fesses up and tells me what happened THIS time....

Suggestion

For those who are cheap but want to try something new...

would this not be an excellent (if noticably shorter) substitute for this? I only bring this up because I'm cheap and am probably limited to fantasizing about it rather than actually USING it.

Same polyurethane core, though.

I sat on it at the store. I considered buying it. I think I just may.....

Anon, nurse!

...I got better.

Regular posting shall return anon.

For the record

I'm exceptionally ill. And way tired of it.

Thank you.

Lessee...

I spent the better part of Tuesday with Li. I actually managed to be constructive most of the time, which is good. And it was really nice. We had a REAL conversation and talked about something that was rather serious and philisophical and all that.

And then somehow we got on the subject of some famous musicians rumored orgies. Which apparently happen nightly, Li told me with disgust. I smiled at that and finally asked him, "are you saying if you could do that you WOULDN'T?" "No," he said. I grinned and said slowly, "yeah... me... neither." He smiled and shook his head, "you would, wouldn't you?" I tilted my head thoughtfully, "yeah... I mean, I'd at least try it."

He laughed at me and said "I think sex should be between two people who care about each other." I tried not to gag. Then he added quickly, "I mean, I believe in casual sex and all that but I think it should be between people who have a connection. Like, you can really feel them." Ah, a man after my own heart. "You know, someone where you can look into their eyes," which caused me to glance at him then quickly look away, "and really know that they're THERE. I've been with some women where it's like they're dead inside and I don't like that."

I hate to admit it, but I feel him there. I like my men to have something inside them that interests me. It's why I really haven't slept with anyone lately. Lack of availability of those I'm most interested in and lack of interest in those who're most available.

Later that evening after Li had gone home another man who comes to my job to do work occasionally came in. This is yet another fine man who holds pretty much no interest for me. While I find him physically attractive, I find him mentally not at all correct for me. He tries too hard with the flirting. He knows he's hot (and probably used to be even hotter) and tries to charm his way through the place. I don't DISLIKE him, don't get me wrong. He looked at me and said "you look... like you're glowing. Like, nice."

I shrugged it off, "I'm sick, I'm probably a little feverish." Then I thought for a second longer, "plus, I just spent like two hours around Li." "What?" He asked. I repeated myself. "What?" he said again. I repeated myself. He was quiet for a second and asked, "who's Li?" I shook my head, "You talked to him earlier and you don't even know his name?!?" It clicked for him then and he asked, "Oh! You like him? Does he know?" I answered affirmatively to the question. "Have you kissed him?!?" I shook my head, "naw, it's not like that." "I could have gotten you two hooked up!" "It's really not like that," I asserted. "Why?" he asked. I bit my lip. If there is one thing Li is... it's private. "I don't think he'd like me to talk about it. But we have an understanding. And, he has a girlfriend." "So?" he said. "It matters." "To who?" "To him." He shook his head, in disbelief.

It reminded me of something one of my chat buddies said not too long ago. "There's nothing uglier than a man playing hard to get." Heh. Yeah.

Except I actually want Li on HIS terms or not at all. Because it matters to me, too.

Luckily, I don't keep all my eggs in one basket....

Oh... damn.

I was reading the new blog I added to the list "Wants and Needs" when it struck me. I believe I've done this to my husband, even though it's very much NOT what I wanted to do at all. There have been times where I thought he was awful in bed (and really, it's not a lie) and found the sex to be beyond lack luster. However, I've worked on teaching him a few tricks. And learning a few of my own. And trying them on him.

The sex has only improved. I cum everytime now.

Except there have been a few times when he hasn't. Maybe he's as heartbroke as I used to be when I never came. Maybe it's my fault for complaining at all about the sex we had... when we had it. Maybe I'm the reason he doesn't want to go have sex with someone else.

Maybe I should just go ahead and shoot myself in the OTHER foot while I'm at it....

Thinking.

It's fairly clear to me that I'm slowly becoming a bit of a kinkster. Rope is becoming more and more of a fascination.

Also, when I think of the guy I want to sleep with (who's nickname remains questionable) I think of doing dirty dirty things with him and having him cum all over me. I like the idea. A lot. And I swear I never used to.

I do not, however, have any interest in swallowing. Sorry. I mean, except his cock.

Oops.

This morning I was masturbating right here in front of my computer. It's where I do most of masturbating. In the living room with my computer displaying some kind of porn or another.

This morning I was in a rush to cum and get to work. I slid my pants down and slipped my dildo inside me, coated with just a touch of lube. My fingers found my clit as I played the DVD of some guy giving it to some woman.

As I got more excited I rocked on the dildo, my fingers rubbing my clit harder. Finally I came. And with a small crack I felt my chair break under me. I balanced precariously as I was cumming unable (and unwilling) to stop.

Finally, I was done, and I got up and fixed the chair, returning the extremely loose nut to it's proper place on the bolt.

However, afterward, chair fixed, I sat considering that it had been an INCREDIBLY satisfying orgasm. Strong, lengthy, and absolutely what I'd needed. Which brought me back to the conclusion I'd considered but never been able to test in a really controlled manner... that being FORCED to change something about your normal sexual behaviors during orgasm changes the intensity. When I've forced myself to be utterly silent when I'm used to being loud... I cum harder. And when I force my entire body to be still lest I fall... I cum harder. Etc. What then follows is the desire to experience something like that with a partner.....

So there's this other guy.

This guy. He wants me.

He comes to my work sometimes. Mostly with his kids. Once with his wife. That was vaguely awkward.

Everytime I see him I want him just a little more. I become just a bit more attracted. This time we actually had a conversation. Including one of my co-workers briefly (nervously on my part).

I'm considering whether I can deal with being the other woman.... AGAIN.

No real emotional entanglement. Just sex.

But we'll see. Somehow... I think he's going to get what he wants.

I may have to come up with a nickname for this one. Or maybe I've just jinxed it by writing about it....

Ha ha ha!

Husband and I use humor to lighten situations. We do that a lot and there really aren't many conversations we have where we don't use humor to say what we have to say without being super hurtful.

The other night husband and I had a really long conversation. At one point he told me, "you know, we've already agreed that you're the perfect woman for me" (an reference to a conversation we had YEARS AGO) " so if I can't make it with you... maybe I should just give up and stop dating women altogether."

To which I responded, "Yeah, stop torturing people." And then I laughed my ass off for about the next five minutes.

Maybe you had to be there. But it still makes me laugh.

Married Sex

I was thinking about what makes married sex so boring. Familiarity, obviously, is so much a part of it. You'd think the familiarity of your partner would make it better. You get to learn all the things that make your partner quiver... breath heavy... and cum.

Fortunately, at least at first, you learn to concentrate on what makes you partner cum. A touch there... a lick there... ah... orgasm. Delightful. Again? Please?

And as time drags on... the years pass. You know all your lover's buttons. The sighs, the quivers... they matter less as one rushes toward the ultimate goal of orgasm. Get in bed... hit the buttons... done. Sleep. A week later... in bed... same buttons... goal! Sleep. Repeat as neccessary.

Booooooooooooooooooooring.

And increasingly... the buttons don't work as well. Because they're not preceeded by the teasing... the excitement.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING!

How to get back to the excitement? Some manage. Other's don't.

I have my theories... but how would I know?

Nocturnal Admissions

I totally should have saved that title for something else. Damn. But it's okay. I'm not the first person to come up with it. http://www.technorati.com/cosmos/search.html?rank=&url=%22nocturnal+admission%22 See?

Anyway. Last night. Hot guy. On cam. Licked his lips. Teasing me. I rolled my eyes. I laughed. I wasn't impressed.

I went to bed, horny anyway. Just from seeing him.

I fell asleep.

I dreamed of his mouth between my legs. I dreamed of his tongue seeking, teasing, thrusting.

I came in one gentle shuddering gasp.

I woke up just enough to remember.

Hyper Male

I'm totally digging those hypermale men. Like... hair on the chest... broad shoulders.... Actually, that's pretty normal for me. But I tell you. A reasonably good looking guy who's hypermasculine gets me wet EVERYTIME.

So I'm watching this guy and I'm thinking in my head "he's just so... MALE... god..." and I can see myself kissing... licking... wrapping myself around him... feeling him slide inside me.

Damn.....

The "bi-male" thing.

So more about Eric Price. I was sitting here watching his early gay porn flick. The first time I saw him having sex with a man I was vaguely fascinated. Here was this guy I lusted after... could I handle actually seeing him doing things with another man that I could never hope to replicate? I watched for about two minutes before I was sure my brain was going to explode from being overloaded and had to walk away.

The thing that confused me is that I've long heard stories of straight porn actors getting into gay porn for the money. Especially more recently viagra allows straight men to perform in a situation which might not normally be arrousing. I've seen it on HBO so it must be true.

This movie was made well before Viagra. Viagra was less than a gleem in a young scientist's eye.

Still, I was convinced Eric would be a top. It would allow him to close his eyes and say "it's a girl it's a girl" And then I watched him getting fucked. And it blew my mind. Straight men just don't DO that in my world. It floored me. I had to think about it.

I acknowledge that the world is much broader than what I know, personally. There is so much to do and see and be which is completely foreign to me. This just happened to be one of those things, for whatever reason.

And now I'm completely thrilled with it.

Also, one guy just totally deep throats him like you wouldn't believe. I'm so jealous. I can't do that....

Okay.

Someone's got to explain to me what happened to Kathy's blog. I mean, is this a regular occurance... bloggers just disappearing off the face of the earth? C'mon now....

Useless Response of the day.

Hi there-

I am originally from *****, now living in Atlanta, but visit *****. regularly to see family and friends. I'm a photojournalist and will be shooting several concerts in *****. the first week or two of March, staying around the *******, looking for a playmate.

Kindly check out my profile and photos and let me know what you think. We have some common interests...you sound like someone I’d like to get to know. My yahoo email is XXX@

Take care!

XXX

------ Profile Attached -------

i'm a swm, 50, very good-looking, 6'3, 195#, dark curly hair, bedroom green eyes, a delicious thick 8 inches, very longlasting. i'm a degreed professional, photojournalist and certified massage therapist. i have many varied interests, including long lovemaking sessions of mutual creative pleasure.

Once again I get a response from a guy who is roughly twice my age... not even a LOCAL... and definately not available for ongoing play. I'm sure he's great in bed. Just not for ME.

At least he's not married.... *sigh* Why is it, again, that I never get laid? Oh... yeah....

I've been giving it some thought....

and in my heart I have a suspicion that one of the bloggers I link to might be two of the bloggers I link to. If that doesn't make sense, that's okay. It's more about me confessing my suspicion and putting it out there. I'm not complaining. It would explain a lot. I'm rather embarassed that it took me so long to put two and two together.

But I might be completely wrong.

Forget

I keep forgetting all these great ideas for posts that I keep having. I wrote one down somewhere... and it disappeared. Not unusual in this house.

I bought my Eric Price/ Charlie Stone gay porn. It's definately amusing. There's some really interesting acting in it. Eric/Charlie, though, remains a fairly decent porn actor. And I still want to bang him. More on that later, maybe....

Search

Husband did help me look for my pills last night. Ultimately, I was the one that found them... but it's the helping that counts. What a good boy.

A telling exchange

I was lazing over husband as he was snuggled into bed. We were having our evening "goodnight" as he readied for sleep. I reached over and took my birth control pill and told him "well, if I can't find my new packs, I'll be off the pill for the month." (I'm making due with the tail end of a pack from when I messed up and missed too many pills that month).

"If you remind me I'll look for it tomorrow," he said.

"Well, I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of going off it anyway because all it does it makes me depressed and if I'm depressed and not having sex ANYWAY... seems pointless." He got very quiet at this point. "I'm not trying to be mean. I"m just letting you know. In case you want to stop me."

"okay," he said. Nothing more.

I tried not to be hurt.

Finally I asked in a small voice, "are we ever going to have sex again?"

"yes," he told me, "but not right now."

"No, I didn't mean right now. I was just asking. It's just... is it me?"

He shrugged, "No," he replied, "I haven't masturbated in two days." Which made me laugh. I try to laugh and be friendly during these conversations. I want to MAKE SURE he knows I'm not MAD and I'm not accusing him of anything. I just want answers. But that actually made me laugh.

"Two days?! TWO DAYS?!?" I giggled. "We haven't had sex since the 29th of November!"

He got quiet again. "I know. We will."

"How come you get so mad when I ask you these things?"

"Because I feel guilty."

I laughed, "it's your catholic upbringing... you're only allowed to have sex to make babies." He laughed, too. Then I added, "so you feel guilty so you get mad at me? How does this make sense?!?" We giggled a bit and got off topic and left it at that.

I try not to push these things too far but I'm inquisitive and want to know wtf is going on in his head.

So.

Hello,
Hi, my name is *****. I am a 44 year old professional
male.

Okay, a little over the age I'm into but I can handle that.

I am looking for someone that knows what they want,someone that is open minded and open to trying new things in and out of the bedroom.I enjoy most of what life has to offer. I enjoy weeken get aways, travel, anything outdoors.I am what all my friends call easygoing, although I do tend to be a smartass from time to time. But do enjoy having fun.In the bedroom I am openminded, and willing to try new things. I enjoy giving massages, and am what most maycall overly oral. Am certainly not your wam bam type asI enjoy foreplay and moreplay!

Moreplay?! Okay, I'll let that go too. He sounds reasonably okay. Let's check out his vital stats.... Ah. He's in another state. Completely inaccessable. Great. Thanks for wasting my time, dude.

I almost always automatically refuse those who send me penis pictures, too. That's not any way to interest me and I guarantee it's a way to turn me off right quick. You send me that pic and it better be SOMETHING to look at because if it's NOT and you think it's your best feature... you're out.

would you be interested in a 38 year old firefighter?? i would love to chat with you

Great. A guy who can't seperate his personality from his job. And tries to use it to lure women. Doesn't he have anything better to offer?


Hi! I read your profile and enjoyed it very much. I am a mature gentleman, 5'10", 215 lbs, blond hair, blue eyes, easy going, open-minded, and very sexually adventurous. I have been known to keep it up for quite a long time. I enjoy a little kinky sex, but also vanilla. I too prefer the sex to have some emotion (and yes, the more the better). I am not looking for a relationship---just a lot of sex.

Mature? Quick check... and... over 50. WAY out of my age range which I PUT IN MY AD. He simply chose to ignore that part.

I'm very normal, nice and likable. I am an upper-middle-class businessman who enjoys younger women. I like everything there is about them....their energy, their smile, their smell, and especially their taste.

Mmm. Funny because I feel so much the opposite about men who're twice my age.

I don't believe in rushing a meeting, so lets talk. I think you'll find we're probably mentally compatable. I am not turned off by shyness, in fact I like it. Kinda turns me on a little. If you like me you'll find that I, too, have a voracious appetite for sex.Interested? email me here at AFF, or at *****@aol.com, and lets discuss things and get to know each other a bit....then we can get naked.P.S. I don't mind that you are married.

He doesn't mind that I'm married? How magnanimous.

Yeah, I do tear the men who write to me apart and there are a few cases where I go back and realize I was too harsh and will try to persue things. But personality clashes and timing tend to be the problem....

Maybe I'm going about it all wrong. But I don't see my real life persuits going any better....

About EB

Last night as I was talking to both the ex and EB online I was once again reminded of the incredibly differences between the two of them.

With the ex I felt incredible passion. And even love. But he was never really my friend. I hated listening to him talk sometimes. We tried to force a friendship.

With EB, there is barely any lust. Sometimes. But not much. Every so often he comes up with something really sexy that he'll say and I'll get wet. I'm always wet when it comes to actually being with him. However, we have the potential to be great friends. We think a lot a like and I find him extremely funny.

The ex divorced his wife and has gone through a series of relationships swearing that each girl is the one for him. And then leaving them. He's not the most "aware" guy and generally puts his needs before those around him (although in bed he's fucking awesome).

EB divorced his wife and isn't looking for another relationship. He's seen maybe one or two girls (myself... maybe another) but only infrequently. Enough to take the edge off. He's always extremely polite and caring in bed and out. The typical nice guy.

Having the two on my IM program reminded me quite forcefully that the ex is NOT the kind of guy I want in my life anymore. I commented on the fact that the last time I saw him he and I talked for about a minute and a half and in that time his girlfriend was standing next to him awkwardly and he made NO EFFORT to introduce us. For me it was awkward to know she was with him but get no introduction and to know he was like... ignoring her. I smiled and said "hello" to her and he said NOTHING, didn't even look at her. I asked him about it later and said I thought it was painfully rude for him to have done that and he got snippy and told me if I hadn't been in such a rush and only given him less than a second to introduce her he'd have done so. But I'm not so sure. I think he's really insensitive that way.

Basically, I really really like EB. And I realised I really really don't like the ex. So I deleted him. And then I looked at my buddy list and deleted half of them, too.

I feel better. Although now my buddy list looks sparse.....

And another thing...

I was talking to my ex tonight online... and I finally realised... much as I still want him (well, what we had) I really can't stand him anymore. He jerks me around too much. I deleted him from my IM list. Fuck him anyway. And I'm about to go take him off my phone, too. It's not like we ever call each other so why start now?

Frank, too, actually. Both gone.

Time to move on.

Why do I have such a hard time filling the space that Husband leaves me? I'll get back to you on that real soon. I've been trying to come up with an understandable answer. It's slow going.

Hmm.

I just told EB "I have more self control than you do." But I was just thinking. Some of the guys I've been with have been EXCELLENT at waiting for me to cum before they do. And I was just thinking how completely greedy I am for orgasms. There have been a few times in my life when I've been able to hold off (only when alone, mind you, I'm not so cruel) but mostly if I'm on the verge of cumming... I rush toward it with great enthusiasm.

So basically, much as I get really frustrated with guys who are swept up in the moment and cum without me... I actually GET it. And think it's damned impressive that they manage to put it off at all. I just don't think I have the willpower.

Desire

Despite how Li is so very capable of annoying me at times, there's one thing I can definately say for him. He never, ever makes me feel ashamed or bad about my desire for him. Granted, we don't have length conversations about it or anything. However, it's utterly delightful that he KNOWS I want him and he doesn't WORRY about it.

Anyway, it's nice because he lets me feel comfortable with my desire for him.

On the other hand, the more I think about it the more I think that future child of his has completely fucked me out of getting laid by him. I think it's seriously time for me to lay my desire for him aside and find someone else to lust after. There are a few things I envision and among them is the suspicion that while he claims his baby-mama (my word not his) isn't the woman he thinks he'll marry, he'll be in the room for the birth and suddenly fall deeply in love with her for having his kid. Or something equally stupid which will later lead to their bitter divorce.

Well, okay, I AM a little bitter. But what can I say? I see what HAD to have been a sure thing just dying a slow and painful death and I just hate that. *sigh*

But none the less, at least he doesn't make me feel weird about him knowing I want him. And that's super cool. So I'll take it just as it is.

On a side note, I swear he touches me a hell of a lot more than is absolutely neccessary. Like a lot more. And I really really really like it. And I can't help but think that he ought to keep his hands to himself more if he doesn't want to lead me on. I mean, it's not like he's grabbing bits and pieces or anything. But he takes my hand and touches my arm when contact isn't strictly neccessary.

He was having trouble with a particular item and I was helping him. We were super close together for a few moments which I was enjoying. I did it utterly on purpose. And I'm having a hard time remembering if he stepped away from me because someone else came into the room or if he did it on his own. I mean, in a way that kind of matters.

I wish he'd just tell ME if he desires me. But I also know he pretty much wants me to ask. Except that he's the one who told me months ago that he'd let me know if he's ever single... so.....

Bleh. I gotta get over it.

Published.

My "article" is online at the Sex-Kitten site. Specifically it can be found here. For anyone who reads me regularly it's not very interesting but I thought it was a decent sort of introduction. I may choose to start writing there regularly but I'm not sure yet. I mean, I have THIS blog and I want THIS blog to be cool on it's own....

Thoughts.

One of the things I adored about the ex was the way he made me feel really cherished. He may have been pretending the whole time, but he was really something special. I don't really believe he was pretending, but it's possible. Regardless, much as he annoyed me personally in a lot of ways there was no shortage of affection between us.

Whereas with husband we're great friends. But there's definitely a dearth (word confiscated from another blogger) of affection.

I sometimes think I could make a whole relationship out of what the ex and I had. Just being incredibly affectionate even if we couldn't be super close friends.

But of course that's not really realistic.

Sometimes I really want to leave Husband.

But I won't.

Vaaaaaaaaaaaalentine's Day

I spent the day at work and husband surprised me with a card and some chocolate, which was unexpected but appreciated. Even though I told him I didn't want anything I still had half and eye open for SOMETHING. I would never have held it against him had he chosen NOT to get me anything (since I told him not to) but I appreciate that he did it anyway.

Anyway. I ended up spending the better part of the day with Li. That was really nice. He was pleasant and relaxed and so was I. The people who worked tonight were fun and funny and we all worked but really spent the evening goofing off. Joking around and just generally laughing our asses off.

Turns out Li's girlfriend is pregnant which is exciting but pretty much means I won't be getting any of that anytime soon. Because that's the kind of guy he is. Damn.

The most amusing part of the day was when I first came in. I asked him to come look at something in one of the stockrooms and give me advice on how to deal with it. As we were talking and looking around my eyes were drawn momentarily down and I swear he had a bit of a chubby. It's hard to say for sure because he's a bit of a shower, I think. But I'm relatively sure. Shortly after I noticed he made it a point to turn away from me and wander off some distance while he was looking at some item in his hands. Perhaps to calm down? Very shortly after that he disappeared for a while. For lunch one might assume. Or a trip to the bathroom? Whatever it was I was rather gratified because one must assume it was for ME. Mmm.

Which of course only made me get all wet and tingly. Which is a nice sensation but I want to cum so bad right now it's not even funny. Except husband is down here and might become frightened by the furiocity of my masturbation. Not to mention the dirty dirty words I intend to say while I do it. God damn I want that man to fuck the hell out of me....

Maybe once I start seeing him again regularly my interest will cool off. But for now, once again, I desire him.

It was a nice way to spend valentine's day.

Then there's this guy.

At work.

His name is John. John is hot. Seriously. Banging body. Handsome face. I'm not the only one who drools over this boy. He's seriously fine. He's also got a girlfriend whom I CANNOT STAND.

She used to work for me. I wanted to fire her so bad I could taste it. Instead she was transfered to another department. Right at the same time I was. Too funny. She was among those who accused Weird Eric of sexual harrassment. She was the one that gave him her phone number and spent plenty of company time socializing with him. She's a god damned liar. And she helped get him fired.

So John likes to flirt. He's always been that way. I'm SO not his type it's not even funny. But when he turned 18 he made sure to tell me. "I'm legal!" he told me, meaningfully. I laughed at him. He puts his arms around me now and again. I find the quickest exit I can manage. I want to flirt with him really badly. But, I have a hard time imagining that he's not just teasing and I AM a supervisor. I bite my tongue or I make sarcastic comments when he tries to flirt with me.

Today I made the mistake of flirting back. I was walking toward the office. "Hey, I'm going to be in the office. I'll be in there for a few minutes." He walked in at that moment and I grabbed his arm "Let's go!" I laughed to myself as he stood momentarily confused. I realised with a great amount of shock what I'd said and hurried to the office expecting he'd move along. Except he followed me.

"What'd you mean by that?" he asked, sitting down.

Oh. Shit.

I smiled trying to think of a good lie. "I'm bored. Entertain me."

He was quiet.

"I'm bored. C'mon... can you juggle?"

"What?"

"Entertain me! Can you juggle? Walk on your hands?" I was desperate.

"No...."

"You're not very entertaining," I informed him.

"I am. Just not in the way you want me to be," he said. Oh, holy fuck. He muttered something and started to leave. "Did you hear me?" he asked.

"...no, not at all," I responded.

"I could lock the office door," he said.

"...I don't think it locks, anyway," I laughed. "How old are you?"

"18," he tells me, proudly.

"You're not capable of being THAT entertaining at 18," I told him.

"You don't know," he replied.

"Please. At 18 you simply can't be. Sorry."

And that was about it.

I know he's the aggressor in this in a way I definately choose not to be in this situation. Too volitile. But god damn. Could he make it more difficult for me? He's clearly doing it on purpose. Fucker.

I need to get laid.

Sex Starved Wife

I see that I've gotten more than a few hits from people doing searches on Sex Starved Wife. Just for the record, I have no clue what happened to her. One day her blog was there, the next it was gone. Thus, I deleted it from my list of blogs I read. Maybe she still reads the blogs. Maybe she'll let someone know where she went. I certainly wonder. Alls I can say for sure is she's disappeared back into the ether which is terribly disappointing. Hopefully it wasn't anything traumatic that caused the disappearance.

Whatever the case she's missed but I don't have the answers. If anyone else does, feel free to inform....

Another Damned Husband Story

The other night as my husband was watching TV I told him "you know I want you, right? Seriously. And it really pretty much hurts that you don't want me. It must be nice being wanted... even by someone you don't want." He said nothing.

The other night I crawled over him as he was watching TV and told him "you know, it really bothers me that you know you have something I want and need and you're capable of providing it and continually choose not to." He said something. I don't remember what. It was a non-response of another kind.

I thought for sure that'd work. *sigh*

Speaking of Boys...

I believe Li will be at my work on Monday.

I had a dream about him last night. Vaguely sexual. Definately a lot of sexual tension in it.

I'm not sure there will be any of that when I see him next, though. It's hard to say. I think the last time I saw him was right at Christmas time. That's rather a long time, if you ask me. It could all be done. It was before. No telling, though.

Hot Porn Males

Okay, not very many of the porn stars are hot. At least not the male ones. So, we females are forced to make do. Or watch gay porn (which I do) but it's just not the same. It's hard to imagine switching places when you've got this super hot guy getting head from this other super hot guy. I'm just not sure I'd be good enough at that point. However, I can handle watching the not-as-hot porn boys banging the hell out of the super hot (or super freaky looking) porn girls.

I bring this up because I was just watching one of my favorite porn actors (Eric Price) have sex with some nameless blonde and I got to thinking that even in real life men like him must be WONDERFUL to have sex with. Just because they've learned how to control themselves and wait until someone else LETS them cum. Now, it may be that the wild uncontrolled fucking they're allowed to do off camera is more gratifying and therefore harder to control... but I'll take that chance.

On a side note, yesterday I wrote a long entry about my adoration of Mr. Price (and Steven St. Croix, too) at which point the evil gods of the keyboard told me I'd pressed some special button which deleted my whole entry. I was not amused. So I went to bed. Needless to say today's entry will likely NOT be the last you hear about either of these two men.

Dinner

I had dinner with husband and his friend last night. I chose my seat and the waitress chose to remove the 2nd menu from that part of the table. Husband chose to sit down opposite me which I thought was odd. So his friend stood there for a second and chose to sit down next to me. And then move the other place setting from across the table. No one said anything about it.

Later I asked husband why he didn't sit with me. His excuse was lame. *I* was the first one to sit down and he accusingly explained "I sat down where there were two menus!" Okay. Because menus are glued to the table right? Not that it mattered, really. It was just odd. That was the only reason I asked him but he acted like I was trying to pick a fight. So, I dropped it.

During the evening for whatever reason we started talking about the new Mc Donald's campaign involving having sex with a burger. Rather clever marketing since it appears to be something most people have seen. Eventually, conversation veered toward the increasingly sexual.

I discovered that husband's friend is definitely a porn fiend the same way I am (this is something I was pretty confident in anyway) and likes giving facials. I filed this away in the "if I ever have sex with him" file. I shall definitely remember to beg him to cum all over my face and tits. You know, after I've cum of course. It'd make him crazy turned on.

Orgasms. They're so mental.

Bits.

Anal sex husband watching? Can we say I think not? Heh. Someone ended up on my site using that search string. Try again.

The hitatchi magic wand is one of the most amazing toys EVER. Highly recommended. That twitching orgasm I was talking about? Love those. I don't think I even turned it on the high setting. Wonderful piece of machinery.

Clearly I'm off the pill for the week and my body is like "let's DO it...." I like having the edge back on my sex drive. I like being super horny and just wanting to fuck and then fuck some more.

3 more months then back to the gyno to look for an alternative form of birth control....

Boys.

There were so much hot boys at work today. Four to be exact. And I'm horny. Lovely combination.

The best among them was a fine hispanic fellow (come to take care of a work order) who was a little too bad-boy for me... but was waaay fucking funny. He had tattoos. I was tempted to stare at them. He would have been game to explain, I think, but instead I went back to work. I try to be a good girl. I flirted with him a little. Told him he wouldn't be able to fix the problem that he was sent to fix. He asked me if I thought he wasn't man enough. I laughed and said, "no, not for this." "I'm a big guy," he pointed out. Which wasn't terribly true... but I didn't care. He was sexy as hell.

But then I'm currently off the pill AND in the middle of my period both of which make me very very horny. So I'm abnormally easy. Had he pulled me into some dark corner he would have gotten an incredible BJ at the very least.... Alas, it was all fantasy. And now I'm home.

Oh, and by the way... he wasn't able to fix it. He sent his coworker to tell me that they were leaving. Too cute.

The Side Effect of the Snuggle

Part one:

I smiled at husband late last night, "thanks for snuggling with me. I really liked sleeping together like that."

To which he responded, "Did I sleep?"

I stared at him.

"Well, I mean, I remember it being a lot later than I thought it was. But I don't remember falling asleep."

Except that he most certainly did because I was the one who woke him up around superbowl time.

"So, what you just laid there thinking 'how much longer do I have to lay here? God let me get out of bed....'" which is pretty much his normal response when I want to snuggle.

He didn't really respond. I kinda wanted to smack him. But decided to hope for the best and figure he was just offended by what I'd said. I decided I was still glad we'd been so close.

Part 2:

I spent the better part of snuggling day with a friend and coworker (not snuggling) who told me "I'm getting sick, I think." I forbade her from getting sick. We drove around for a long time in an enclosed car.

Today she called out sick.

I came home to husband "hey, guess what?" I related the above bit to him and added "I really don't feel good tonight, either. Aren't you glad we chose yesterday to snuggle?"

"Yeah. Great," he replied, "but it's not like we slept with my tongue in your face. I mean, as far as you know."

Snuggle.

My husband and I NEVER EVER EVER snuggle. Well, not very often anyway. Definately NOT while we sleep. We even sleep under seperate covers.

This afternoon after getting off the phone with his parents, my husband went to bed. I snuggled up to his back and we fell asleep under my blanket. Almost an hour later I woke up and he told me he couldn't get comfortable and turned over. I turned around and snuggled back against him. And we both very quickly went back to sleep.

It felt so good to be physically close again. We spent a lot of really QUALITY time together between last night and today. No sex. Just lots of happy. And now snuggling.

I'll take it. Besides, I have cramps.

To write...

or not?

I've been invited to do a guest posting on someone's (really pretty nicely put together) page. Something of a webzine. I'm tempted. Not sure yet if I have what it takes, though. No pressure, right?

CD said I should write. CD said I should get paid for it. This would not be paid. That's okay, though. You've got to start somewhere. He'd be proud of this, though.

I'm proud of even just the invite.

But I don't know where to start. I'm waiting for guidance. If none is forthcoming... well... I'll just guess, I suppose. And see where that gets me.

Speaking of Sex Toys Not at All

First, I asked husband "have you noticed a distance between us lately?" "Yes, a little." "Mmm. It's your fault." I said, then laughed hysterically. Ah, that felt good. Then I said "we USED to do things together. Remember every sunday we used to walk around the trail...." "Okay, let's do that sunday," he said. "But I already have a date for Sunday." "Okay, next sunday." "I work next sunday." "Oh. Maybe that's why we stopped."

Later, I asked husband "if I bought expensive sex toys do you think we'd have sex?" "like what?" "That furniture... the liberator and stuff." "Ah. Maybe." I thought about it for a second. Furniture. That I can't use alone. "Nevermind, we wouldn't use it." "You can still get it." "But I don't have sex in the house and I can't take it with me." "Why not?" I stared at him momentarily. "You can get it," he said. Yeah. Yay. *sigh* Just what I need, another reminder of our lack of a sex life. Something else for me to get all excited about using... and then never end up using. Great.

It's official.

I really am NOT attracted to the Hugh Heffner's current crop of bunny girlfriends. In so far as I'm at all attracted to women I'm into women with much more flesh. Although I'm so not into breasts.

The post I was gonna make.

So. The post I was talking about last time.

There's this guy. (Here I go jinxing it by talking about him) whom I totally dig. I like him. But I was thinking that the longer he and I wait to get together... the worse it could be. I bring this up because of the idea of anticipation.

There was a guy a few years ago that I desired. A few years? Gosh, almost 7 years ago. He and I talked off and on for close to three years. When we first started chatting he was maybe 30 miles north of me, but we never met. And then he moved somewhere. And I moved to the other coast. Within a year he was once again living within 30 miles, this time south of me. He wanted to meet, but I was afraid. After over a year of build up I wanted this man so much I could taste it. And I just KNEW I could never live up to his expectations.

Eventually, he moved again (this time overseas) I told him once during this time that he'd become my favorite fantasy. He finally told me, "really, don't build me up like that. Because I'm just another person...." I laughed it off, "it's not like that. I imagine you'd be really good in bed... but somehow you're a surefire fantasy to get me off." He still had a problem with it, though. Because as he told me, "I really might not be that good in bed." Over the years we've completely lost touch, which is SUCH a disappointment to me because he's someone I think of as a friend and I really really liked him as such above and beyond the sexual attraction I felt.

It reminds me of CD, whom I slept with a few months back. I do not doubt for a SECOND that the sex that we had was a MAJOR disappointment to him. I think he saw me as someone far more knowledgable and experienced than I am. I messed up with him pretty bad. Probably one of my worst sexual performances EVER. I think over the course of about 8 months he decided I would be an incredible lay... and ended up being just awful because of the anticipation and fantasy he'd built up about me.

I'm afraid Justin and I are going to go this way. He sometimes brags about his sexual prowess. I find myself drawn to that... I want to believe him. And then I heave a big internal sigh and tell myself to calm my ass down... because you're only as good in bed as your current performance and afterward... it pretty much starts at zero, again. There's so much more to sex than just one person's supposed abilities. What turns me on might be a turn off to the next girl... etc.

So anyway. I'm just thinking.

On another note Justin called me today to see if I wanted to get together for lunch. Maybe 10 minutes after I'd finished eating my late breakfast. *sigh* I agreed but told him I needed to shower and dress (which I did). As I was completing getting ready he told me he had to go back to work unexpectedly. Damn. Today coulda been the day.

Reminder to myself:

I MUST remember to write a post about Justin, Daniel, and anticipation/desire and disappointment (with a quote from Daniel and allusions to CD). Because it's something I simply MUST share and explore. Except I'm so fucking tired right now I might just keel over....

Millet tree.

I'm looking over my visitors. Namely their IP addresses. I never realised how many marines I'd end up getting. Namely people with IP addresses involving quantico and usmc.mil. Then there's people from Aberdeen Proving Ground (which might not actually be a marine but fuck it, they'll be what I say they are). And someone in Tukwila which is very close to where I was born.

To the military people I apologize for stealing the marine motto and using it for my own but it's SOOOO appropriate. To those searching for a hot available marine... I suggest trying certain parts of California. To the person in Tukwila. Well. At least you're not in Fife.

On a side note, I've never slept with a marine. And there haven't been all that many marines I've lusted after. Most of my lust goes toward the navy because they're hot and not... you know... crazy. The AF is mostly made up of business men. Business men can be hot. Just not usually Air Force business men (sorry). The Air Force has a lot of hot women, though. I've slept with an Air Force business man. And then we have army. Well. I've slept with army. They're a varied bunch. Some worthwhile... some not. Hard to say.

Why, I could work on collecting the armed forces! (except the coast guard which does a very important job but really is more about rescuing than military-ing).

Anyway. I'm just talking. I'm sure I've offended someone. If you're the person in Tukwila and you're offended...well... really... that's so totally your own fault.

Odd.

One person looked me up as OdalisqueK one person looked me up as odalisquek. One was on yahoo. One was on google. I can't imagine one person who'd be looking me up by name. Let alone two. Very odd.

Headache.

I'm tired and have a lovely headache. Stressful day at work. I'm so not in the mood for sex.

And yet, I wish I had it to look forward to. In the very near future. I mean, sort of. Mostly I just want to lay down and cry.

I hate days like this.

Now, being loved on... touched... teased... that'd make for a much better day.