Quick N' More

So, to quickly update, Husband managed to make up for his birthday faux pas and we're golden. While he's never been very birthday attentive, this was an inexplicably bad choice on his part. Way to make me feel like he thinks I don't matter at all. However, like I said, he did make up for it very nicely and all is forgiven. So long as it doesn't happen again.

Meanwhile, we spent some time with some of Husband's extended family. At one point the two of us were alone with an older male relative of his. And he insisted on telling us a story about learning to use the internet. I saw where the story was going very early in the conversation and had to walk away in horror for a few moments so I could pull myself together. But I simply HAD to hear the story just so I had something to write about! The story went on to be about one of the other older male relatives teaching him how to find porn in the internet and his own abortive attempt to find porn without his wife finding out.

Oh my god. I know my own generation didn't invent sex, but there are some things that are best left in the closet! On the other hand, it both amuses and gives me hope that as I grow older I'll still enjoy sex and sexuality as much as I have for years.

Is that a joke?

The other day was my birthday.

A woman came into work and offered me a kiss. I declined, embarrassed and forgot about the whole thing. A while later one of my male coworkers came up to me and said "I hear you got offered a kiss." "How the hell did you hear about that??!" I asked. He never responded, but I'm pretty sure I know who it was via process of elimination. Later in the day with a bunch of my other coworkers running around he said "Happy birthday, would you like a kiss?" I think I managed to look really embarrassed and when I tried to respond found my voice gone. I left the area quickly.

The problem is that I work with only a few males. And none of them is particularly hot. He, however, is easily the hottest of them. In fact, some women might even say he IS hot. But I try really hard not to think of him that way. So when he asked if I wanted a kiss, part of me wanted to say "yes!" The other day I caught myself fantasizing about him. I quickly stopped and now he's flirting with me? I soooo don't need a crush on this man.

However, as a testament to how really horny I am, I found myself gazing longingly at the guy behind the counter at whole foods. It's not that he was so hot but that mattered not at all. He kind of reminded me of someone in a very vague way. And I wanted to nail him.

Meanwhile, to put things in their worst possible light... I picked out my birthday present months ago. I told husband I would be buying it and that it might as well be my birthday present. We were at a book store several days before my birthday and I suggested he go and pick me out a card before we left. He declined, saying he'd do it later. Here comes my birthday and I wake husband up early for a reason unrelated to anything else and then 20 minutes later finally remind him to say happy birthday to me. That evening, husband and I go and get my present, picking it up and paying for it myself. I call my sister and make plans for the three of us to go out to dinner. When the bill comes, I pay. We went to whole foods and picked out some sweets to eat as my "birthday cake." We reach the counter and I pay. I drive us all home, dropping off my sister. Once inside the house, we eat our sweets, watch some tv and go to bed. Husband kisses me perfunctorily as usual and that's that. At which point I pretty much repeated what I've typed here back to him. I didn't even get a mother fucking card from him. Not a post it. Nothing.

This reminds me very much of the divorce chronicles I've read from others. "Celebrations" of holidays still occur but they become very impersonal. Suddenly the cards and presents are thoughtless or nonexistent. I totally understand that I paid for everything using our joint account so it matters not at all that I pulled out my card, but it's really the thought. Or in this case, the thoughtlessness. I mean, really, should I take this as anything OTHER than a message?

Hello Libido

I'm so god damned tired it verges on the ridiculous. I was at work 12 hours today. With a 1/2 hour lunch. And that, my friend, is ALL. And yet somehow I managed to be chipper at the end of the day with nary a frown in sight. The fact that the last 20 minutes or so of my day was spent throwing a ball up and down the hall for a super cute lab might have had something to do with my happiness. However, I'm really, really fucking tired. So tired.

The last few nights I've been masturbating myself just before bed. It's an old habit I got into years ago which seemed to be come a necessity when it came to falling asleep at night. In fact, I've actually been masturbating a few times a day of late and glorying in the many and varied orgasms I've had. By hand or with vibe, with lots of build up or a quickie. There have been many orgasms to be had. But I find myself reminded how very gratifying it is to have a wonderful sex partner with an understanding that sex is about so much more than just intercourse. Sure wish I had one of those guys around, these days. They're few and far between but soooo wonderful once found....

Just thinking about it is making me need to go get myself off once more before bed....

Ache

It's that time of the month again. (Well, given the way my body works... that time of the year, but I digress). This is the first time I've started using the Diva Cup. First off, I love it, very very much. But I've yet to actually take it into public. At least at home, it's been great.

So, I was chatting up husband when I was stopped short by the TV. The guy said something about "so you're okay with other men groveling all over your wife." I turned off the TV and asked husband to please demonstrate this to me. Which he did. He moved on top of me and began wiggling begging and groveling and I lay there silently until I finally had to laugh. And then suddenly said "god, I want cock." As it turns out the Diva Cup is much larger in girth than your average feminine hygiene product and which I generally can't feel it... there is a certain strange feeling of "almost fullness" generated by the way I was laying with my husband between my legs.

God, damn I wanted to fuck. But of course, I don't get to.

I did, however, spend a good long time this morning masturbating. I told husband what I was going to do and took care of myself in the bedroom while reading some vaguely erotic stories. In fact, I had some troubles printing them up and was getting really angry that all I ever wanted to do was masturbate to some erotica and couldn't.....

Hours later, husband came in and told me he was going to masturbate. Normally, we don't generally warn one another of our intentions so much as we just try to do it when the other is in bed. For the following reason. I waited a few minutes and wandered out to bug the crap out of him. Three times. The third time I checked out what he was masturbating to (he was quick to close the pictures but I could see the boring, boring descriptions) at which point I found myself realizing what a closet pervert I really am. "Where's the violence? Where's the submission? Skull fucking? SOMETHING?" I asked. It was kind of funny, really. I jerked him off a little and went back to the bedroom and fell asleep.

I could have been more help. But he never asked. He hinted, but I was too tired to pay attention. Too hungry for fucking to tolerate getting him off and leaving me with a limp cock in my hand.

And yet I'm happy today.

I got a message from Keith about 14 days ago, that I didn't get until last week saying he was coming to my city for a few days. I replied and have anxiously checked my emails, myspace, and this page for any hint of response from him but radio silence is complete. I'm both disappointed and a little relieved....

Credit where credit is due.

I've been exceptionally sick the last few days. Almost a whole week, actually. I missed two whole days of work which made me cringe since I work such long days and don't get sick leave. But I was seriously too ill to be there. It was bad. I'm finally just starting to recover from the 3 day 10# weight loss and subsequent weakness, dizziness, and general inability to do much. I suddenly understand a lot better the difficulty pro fighters go through when trying to "make weight." Except they lose all that weight and more within hours not days. Frightening.

As I finally started recovering, I found myself staying awake more. Given as much as I'd slept previously my schedule was seriously fucked up. Still is, actually. I think I got up about three times after 1am one morning and one of those times interrupted husband's masturbating. I wasn't about to help at all. My stomach was still tender and I was easily winded. I pretended not to notice as he pretended not to have been masturbating and I got my glass of water and went back to bed. Eventually, he came to bed and I decided to get up and masturbate for myself, it'd been at least a week.

A quick, but very delightful, orgasm later I sat in front of the computer feeling my body's wondering internal twinges of delight. Sated but not yet really tired I checked the blogs as I always do. Then I suddenly felt nostalgic for back when I was having regular, casual sex. I flipped back to the early days and read about some sex I had with Husband. And was suddenly sad. Husband's and my sex life has never been great. I hardly remember it even being a weekly event when we first married. However, there have been some times when we've had some really great sex. I hate to admit it to myself because it just makes me sad about what I'm missing, but Husband can be an amazing lover. There has been at least one time when he's absolutely blown me away with his ability to manipulate me and make me honestly beg for more, giving it in a way I'd never have expected from him.

I often don't give him enough credit. I have to admit it's particularly unforgivable when it's within the context of my blog that I can't even point to him and say he has proven himself quite capable of being my best lover of all. Because it's true. Not long after sleeping with Keith, husband took me into his arms one night and made me beg for his touch, arching and sighing and pulling him close because he made me feel thing I've never felt before with anyone. It was as if he read my mind and knew exactly what I needed. While Keith is the master of most things and with time and practice could learn to take me from intense desire to intense obsession, even with him it hadn't been like THAT.

Gah, I find myself sorely tempted to go wake up husband in a very, very delightful way....

Edited to add:

Scratch that. The man is terribly inhospitible to waking up and rolling the hell onto his back this morning. No surprises for him. Really, it's no wonder no one in this house gets laid.

Exercise.

He told me once the reason he spends so much time in the gym is because he's sexually frustrated. He works it off, there. Goes home too tired to worry about the attention he's not getting, the attention he's not giving and he's okay.

Me? Not so much. I've tried that. Stretching, bending, lifting, moving until my body feels like jelly. And as I leave the gym, feeling the warm fatigue in my muscles. I make my way home and strip, stepping into the shower, letting the water wash away the excess heat leaving me clean and fresh. The little fingers of water dripping, sliding down my flesh like a lover. And I want to fuck more than ever. The next day as my muscles cry in pain, I become hyper aware of my body. Proud of the way the muscles ache, the way my body moves and I want to share the new strength, the new stamina with someone else.

Yeah, going to the gym to work off sexual tension just doesn't work that way for me.

Masturbation

So at some point I'm going to have to change my blog's name to "masturbation blog" or something since I'm just not getting anything else anywhere at all. Gah.

There is a terribly cute guy who comes into my work roughly once a week. He's provides my company a service. A particularly... shall we say... grim service. However, he doesn't wear a uniform and generally has a cell phone glued to his ear. So when he walks in I'm immediately struck by how hot this smiling man is. It's only when he talks to me that I recognize him for being who he is, instead of just a spectacular looking man. As soon as he leaves the building I find myself giggling and telling all the girls how hot he is. They all agree.

I find it really sad that I literally see an average of one guy a week to get all giggly about. And it's always the same guy! Percentages around here just aren't as good as they were on the military base.

Yesterday morning, on a whim while husband was in the shower I decided to masturbate. I wasn't really into it and he'd already been in the shower for about half the time he usually spends, leaving me about two or three minutes to get off. I touched myself for a little while and was at the point where I needed to cum but wasn't even close. And time was running out. I grabbed my dildo and used it. I've almost exclusively been using nothing (a contributing factor to my less than stellar orgasms) or my smart balls (which just aren't as good as a fake or real cock). If I didn't set a record with the speed and intensity of that orgasm, I'd be surprised. As I enjoyed the final spasms of my orgasm, husband turned off the water. I waited a moment before putting away the dildo and quietly going about my day.

But I was left annoyed that I have yet to reach the level of comfort to cum so quickly with a man.

I ache for you.

I miss the feel of your lips, your tongue. I ache for the feel of your hands on my breasts, my hips, my thighs. I crave the way your cock filled me leaving me gasping, filling my need making me want more, unable to hold more. I lust after the passion I felt with you. The way our bodies moved together, perfect rhythm.

I ache for you.

Famine

I hate quickies. I hate rushed orgasms.

Typical woman, right?

For the last month or two Husband has been at home at all the same times I have been at home. And while his masturbation has been something I've long been willing to share with him, mine I tend to keep more private. When I'm alone it's generally just easier for me to get off. I can watch whatever gets me off on the computer... or read a story and not feel like I'm short changing my lover. It's all about complete and utter selfishness on my part, sometimes.

So I'm finding it really frustrating that I have time to masturbate furtively and quickly, but don't have time to really spend on myself, getting myself hot, wet, and excited. I don't get to use my toys and cum with any noise. It's reduced my masturbation to being very occasional and very, very functional. Just enough to get my by until the next time.

And I hate it.

Lucky

One of the things that makes me feel very lucky is the fact that several of my former lovers have chosen to remain a part of my life, at least in a small sense, even after the sexual play has stopped. While there are a few I'd love to get naked with, I'm thrilled that I'm apparently the sort of person who can keep ex lovers as friends and acquantences without the awkwardness that seems so common after sex.

I just wish I were so lucky as to have one of the ones I really want to be fucking come live near me. Or you know, any of them, really....

Flirt

One of the things I've most enjoyed in my dealings with various men is flirting. At my current job I don't get to flirt much. I tend to do better with men I see on a regular basis and kind of get to know. I don't get much of that where I work. Lots of lesbians... but that's just not my style.

So, I miss it terribly. I read about Pluff Mud and his flirtation with Taylor (see the last half of the post) and I find myself supremely jealous. I can feel all the excitement and longing vicariously... but it's just not the same as being there. I absolutely adore the pleasure of having a crush and pushing things just a little bit further.... the uncertainty excites me.

(I asked husband to spell "uncertainty" because I was having a moment. He spelled it for me at which point he added "It's important to spell things right when you smack talk me." I think he thinks I ALWAYS write bad things about him or something. I really try not to. Of course I DO write bad things... but god damn. I try to make this blog mostly about ME, thank you very much. Because I'm just that god damned cool).

So, yeah. I'm jealous. So fucking jealous. I miss getting to flirt with Sam and even good ol' Nils. And all those other fine pieces of ass I used to gaze at longingly....

Hearing from Martin

I heard from Martin for the second (third?) time this week. He's apparently in a town much closer to me than usual. He's been telling me how horny he is. I've been telling him how very much I understand his problems. There's something about being in a hotel room in a strange town that gets me hot and wet and wanting. And generally leaves me frustrated night after night. That's what Martin's dealing with.

Conversation inevitable turned toward sex. The things we did. The things we didn't do. Things ending. All that. I guess I never did ask some of the questions I wanted to, things that confused me way back when, things I wonder about now.... But we chatted and I learned a little more than I knew even a year ago. I feel better for it.

We talked about seeing each other again. I turned him down last time, utterly disgusted with him for being so willing to cheat on the love of his life. This time, though, I give. I understand, though he didn't say it. If he ever visits this area... well... we'll undoubtedly see one another naked again.

I went back and read a bunch of what I'd written about him. About the various years of wanting him. Of the sex we had. The way I felt. And a few things came to mind... I write kindly about my lovers here. The way I tend to remember the nights, focusing on the good. I found myself caught up in the last night we were together. After I'd been with Keith.

And you know, I'm grateful to Keith. I'm grateful that he taught me something new about sex, and fucking, and letting go a little more. Keith has made me a better lover and Martin benefited from it. In fact, its the pleasurable lesson of expressing oneself and enjoying another's pleasure that Keith taught me and that Martin remembers most vividly, as it turns out.

And now, the Nyquil has me in its grip.....

The time has come...

for many people to close down their blogs. And for me to delete them from my blog roll. I hate doing it, but once they're gone there isn't much point in going back again and again hoping. It seems like no one who stops writing really gets back into the writing thing when they say they will.

Obviously, my own sex blog has taken a drastic swing toward the mundane and boring. Outlived it's usefulness, I suppose. For those in the know, this is the kind of post that generally frees the writer from further updates. This is the sort of post that sits on the top of a blogger's blog for a month or so until the blogger comes back and says "the end" or just deletes it.

This is not, however my intention. Actually, my intention is to point out that I need some more interesting reads. It feels like so many bloggers are slowing down or going away and it makes me sad. So if anyone has some absolute favorites I haven't seen, please feel free to point me in their direction....

Better?

B said...
Always fun being out of work. I'm hoping he finds a job to
focus all of his energies on soon.Sounds like Keith interests you but you'd like
something better. Would you consider someone else?Best of luck....

I hope he finds a job soon, too. I'm not holding my breath quite yet.

I'm not really sure there's someone out there better than Keith. I mean, in some ways my husband is better, in some ways Keith is. I'm not sure there's really, honestly someone out there who's a realistic mix of the two. Keith is, without a doubt, my sexual god. When I think about him, I think about how completely sexual, open, honest, and free I feel with him. While I've had lots of sex in my life with a variety of people he's surely the only one I felt really, truly free to ask and demand things of without worry of judgement or shame. I've honestly, never in my life had better sex and I don't really think it does get better than that. Being with him, I think, has made me capable of being a much better lover, made me want to be as giving, willing, and open to new experience as he is.

On the other hand, he lives very, very far away. I've only spent two nights with the man. We've never shared real "quality" time other than those nights. I can't vouch for the realism of the fantasies I've laid on him outside of bed.

It's definitly irrational. It's not particularly smart.

But DOES it get better? I'm not sure.

Would I consider someone else? Sure. I have. No one, so far, has been able to impress me though.

Ow. I blame him.

So I'm one of those people who's never really been terribly regular when it comes to my period. It's not uncommon for several months to pass without me bleeding at all. This suits me just fine. I don't generally suffer much more for having missed several months in a row, so really I only benefit from it.

However, when I get regular sex I tend to become regular again. It's god's way of laughing at me. When I'm getting laid, I end up with several days out of the month when I'm horny but generally too sensitive to actually have sex.

Here I have been delighfully blood-free for months. And I swear to god as soon as I've start having regular INTERNET contact with Keith... I bleed. While I admit there might be some kind of coincidence... I'm not convinced the two aren't related.

The dogs woke me up early so....

I'm tired, I feel vaguely sick (because I'm tired?) but overall, I'm doing great. For the most part. Who knows. I'm too tired to remember.

I've started hearing from Keith again. I wouldn't call it regularly, but it's close enough for government work. I mean, I rather had a hint that he was back what with his earlier comment on my blog... but I dared not hope. He never does call himself Keith but I've spent so much time referring to him as such that I actually had to pause the other day and try to remember his REAL name. Which is rather funny seeing as I've whispered it quietly to myself, repeatedly, when masturbating. You'd think it'd be hard to forget.

Which brings me back to my rather strange obsession with the man. I find it vaguely annoying, really. It's irrational and stupid. But in a way, that's part of what I like, I suppose.

I got to see him on webcam for the first time in a year or more and it suddenly reminded me of how much my life has changed in the last 6 months. Keith's changed a bit from what I remember him looking like. He's still very much the same person, but far more clean cut than he was before (which isn't to say he looked the hippie, let me tell you). Regardless I found myself vaguely transfixed, having forgotten how different military men look from their civilian counterparts.

This, of course, reminds me of how god damned lucky I was to live on a military base and work with military men for the sole reason that there were so god damned many of them. I fucking LOVED the odds. Being a woman I have a pretty good chance of prettily easily finding someone who wants to fuck me. The odds were considerably better 6 months ago that the guy in question would also happen to be someone I wanted to fuck. Which isn't to say I couldn't do that now, if I was willing to put forth the time and effort. However, I'm still not terribly inclined.

Life is going much better for me, mentally than it was. Husband, on the other hand, is still dealing with unemployment and the fact that we're in a new part of the country without him having a lot of friends or chances to meet new ones. Not being terribly social in the first place, he's at a disadvantage and certainly feels isolated. Me running off to fuck others wouldn't really help with the problem so I'm using that as an excuse to not do so. Not to mention I haven't felt like it for months... that's changing a little right now... but it's still at a manageable level.

On the other hand, with Keith back and talking to me again I find my desires once again focused on him (it's sort of like my hormones finding magnetic north). It's ridiculous, really. But it keeps me out of trouble. Mostly.....

Whew

I just got the scare of my life. Well, maybe not my whole life. I live in the scary part of town... and a place that has bad drainage. The backyard is made of rocks. Walking on those rocks is very loud. I've always thought of it as a sort of low tech security system. I have the backdoor open because the laundry is making it very hot in here. I hear foot steps along the back. The dogs freak the hell out and lunge at the screen door. And just for a moment I thought it was the person walking back there coming at the door. Terrifying. Sometimes I regret my decision to insist on living on the ground floor.

Anyway. On to business. Mr. W! says:

I bet Keith didn't go through your hometown. Even though you two haven't talked
I am sure he would have stayed there at least one day. Unless it was your "day".
But that didn't stop him before.What if he sent you a ticket? Would you go and
take advantage of him???

And in answer I'd have to say there was a time when I would have without question. Now, though, things are a little different and I'm in a situation where it would be more than inconvenient. Were it not for the fact that I love my job and currently am very much in need of the money... I would. However, real life comes into play and prevents me from taking such a lovely, sexy vacation. It WOULD be an excellent chance to sneak away from his naked body now and again and see some people I'm already missing terribly, though. *sigh*

Passionate Man says:

Hubby won't find anyone. 90% of the w4m posts on craigslist aren't serious
(spam, joking but not interested, or too hesitant to actually get involved), and
the rest either don't want a married man or won't want him.You're safe. He's
just playing to make himself feel attractive. He probably knows nothing will
come of it, too.

And you know, you're right. He's really just looking. However, my own sister has been a frequent and serious poster on the site looking for some fast nookie. So he knows there real live women on the site. As for other women wanting him... well... who knows. He's not super hot or anything, but he is funny and that counts for something. On the other hand, to my knowledge he's stopped looking. Or certainly isn't looking seriously. I do believe you're right, though, that the vast majority of the women on the site wouldn't bite. It really makes me feel very, very sorry for men....

In a rush

Life is still busy. I'm still tired all the time. But for the most part it's in a good way. And I think habit and a bit more exercise should cure me of the constant tiredness. Mentally, at least I feel pretty fucking awesome. I like my job and I really do get plenty of time off... I'm just still busy on those days, right now.

The sex life is still pretty dead. I was thinking last night that I'm increasingly willing to fuck husband (although he's, once again, stopped asking me) but I'm so totally turned off to approaching him and being denied anymore. I mean, seriously, for a while there I got to the point where I was asking him for sex even when I really didn't want it just to see if he'd say yes. He never did. And then my libido died. And he asked me. And I wasn't just not interested... I absolutely abhorred the idea. However, I still went down and basically helped him reach orgasm without having to fake any particular sexual pleasure on my part.

So now I'm horny again. And husband's stopped asking. And I don't want to ask. And it's really a bit of a problem. I fear we've forgotten how to relate to one another in that way. I'm pretty sure other couples manage to find some way to make their libidos work together. Why can't WE? *sigh*

The night before last I had a sex dream about husband. I can't remember the last one I had like that. I woke up incredibly horny and imagining being fucked. Of course, in my mind it was Keith doing the fucking... my mind drifting joyously back to those two exciting nights far too long ago. He remains the gold standard of sex for me. Eventually I did get out of bed (no orgasm) but last night I was aching.

I went and found my fun balls (since I'm not particularly happy with my current dildo/vibe collection) and fought to slide them inside me. Am I so tight? Are they so big? It was kind of ridiculous and there was much pinching of skin between nails, poking, prodding, and use of lube before I finally made them both disappear in side me. I then spent the next 30 or 35 minutes idly looking at porn and masturbating. Finally, I let myself cum. It was a really pleasant, relaxing orgasm which made the entire annoying situation much more palatable. Afterward, I pulled the balls out of my pussy and they were covered in girl juice. It was really weird to see them that way. It really looked suspiciously like some guy had cum on the balls. It was really, really weird. And really, kind of sexy. I was extremely wet, obviously.

Today will be another very busy day. Probably not much time for orgasm, alas.

I know I've failed to respond to notes, lately. I'll try to make it up tonight... but if I fail, forgive me. Every letter I've typed today has made me later and later for my commitments....

I don't sleep enough

Well, as it turns out my work has me very, very tired. I work several very long days and get three (and a half) days off. It makes for a very, very tired girl since I can't seem to actually fall asleep. I think I'm still too excited about this job.

So, looking back, our anniversary went well. No sex. But we had fun.

God, I'm tired.

Life is...

Yesterday (or was it the day before?) Husband and I were hanging out. I watched a few minutes of Dr. Phil when he had some woman on who said she'd rather eat chocolate than have sex. Husband opened his mouth to comment but before he could get a word out I said "she must be having sex with you." HA! I laughed my ass off and he got really mad. I told him I was only kidding and that he had to admit I was way fucking funny... which he never really did... but he finally told me what he was going to say, which was "she's obviously never had an orgasm." Then he added "it's really better that I didn't say that before you made your comment."

Later on in the evening I offered him some chocolate pudding I made, telling him "you can either have the pudding or you can have sex with me." He surprised me by telling me he'd have sex with me. Although the offer for either the pudding or the sex was not for "right now." Needless to say when I did finally retire to the bedroom for a while I offered him sex and he told me "I'm too tired." When I got back up for late dessert he joined me in having some pudding. Needless to say there was no sex.

I swear I don't bring these things on myself. Other than the fact that I very obviously do. You'd think my mother would have taught me better.

Meanwhile, it's starting to feel like much of my life is coming together. I'm very excited to start my job on Wednesday and I've managed to set it up so I start my volunteer work on Tuesday... a sort of a work-preparation thing. I can get rid of some of my jitters.

Lastly, being the infomercial-whore I am, I avidly watched several repeats of the Magic Bullet infomercial and was utterly sold. I happened to see a set at a local store and snapped it up as a celebration of my new job. I'm currently drinking a strawberry-pineapple-orange-edemame smoothie. I threw the edemame in as an experiment and find I kind of like it... what with the texture and all. I'm thinking about going for one of those "mostly vegetable" smoothies eventually. I might just end up somewhat healthy. Weird.

Things are just looking so much brighter in the future. While I still reasonably expect set backs eventually, the near future is beautiful....

So Excited

As it turns out, I'm gainfully employed again. Well, at least, I will be. Next week. I got exactly the job I wanted and I'm totally excited about it. Even if I decide NOT to follow the career path I've currently got planned out, I will finally be in a position to never, ever, ever have to work retail again. There were some perks (this is me thinking very fondly of my work which put me in contact with more than one guy I slept with) but those were few and far between. Hardly worthwhile. At least in this job I'll get to see more of the kind of folks I like. I hope.

I find myself so befuddled by this having a job starting next week that I keep thinking "oh, I need to go search for more jobs to apply to..." except.. obviously I don't. I'm just not starting yet, is all.

Meanwhile, my anniversary is coming up. It's hard to imagine Husband and I have been together as long as we have. In some ways I guess we both think it's been far too long, but overall... I think we're okay. We still have more of the "big important talks" than I'd like (like none, please) but we're chugging along.

Husband keeps checking craigslist casual encounters. I finally asked him the other day "are you planning on finding someone else to sleep with? Because I'm not sure how I feel about that right now." In some ways it'd make me happy for him to be able to have that kind of casual fun... but I worry he's going to fall in love with someone else and forget to come back. Something I'm painfully familiar with in my own adventures. He claims he's not going to find anyone that way. We'll see....

I had more to write about the last topic but suddenly I'm very, very tired. It's very, very bedtime.

My sister and my husband went to the coast together today. She's got vacation and he isn't working so away they went. Had I not had a job interview I might have been tempted to go, myself. However, neither of them would have wanted to take the dogs and I have this thing where I want to live my life with my boys at my side all the time so they took a day of vacation without me.

I went to the interview and for the most part it went pretty well. The work seemed okay but the people who interviewed me seemed very stressed in some ways. There were a lot of questions of "if terrible things X, Y, and Z happened..." and "if person Y did this what would your response be..." that sort of thing. I've walked away with the suspicion that the reason the job is open is because of the examples they gave. And even as I drove away I was thinking "if they feel like they need to ask those kinds of questions... do I even want to work there...?"

Which really means I need to put in for some more jobs. I'm incredibly disappointed because I haven't heard back from the first place that interviewed me. I think I'd adore that job and be really happy. *sigh* Of course, it's only Monday. But still....

I guess this means I need to put in for more jobs. :-/

So, it's a quiet afternoon here alone in the apartment. I've got the sliding glass door open just a crack and I'm gazing out at the sunlight reflecting off the back fence, the fluffy white clouds in the blue sky, and the wind making the ivy dance. It's a little too cold outside to just go out and enjoy it, but too perfect of a day to keep the windows covered. It feels like an early spring vacation to me. The kind of day where my cabana boy lover comes to give me a massage, pleasure me selflessly, and then leaves me alone with some sweet drink to enjoy the end of the day.

*sigh*

That Show

You know that show, The Shield? It totally blows my mind. TOTALLY BLOWS MY MIND. Let there be no question. My mind? Blown. Totally.

So, like a million years ago Keith told me he digs The Shield and was all "record it for me and send it to me in this foreign country" (to paraphrase). So I totally did and then as it turns out his computer wasn't able to read the dvds for some reason but anyway, I started watching... and thanks to TIVO I kept watching and watching and have seen all but a few episodes multiple times. Like, I *really* like the show and this last season was totally wicked, especially the painfully well shot cliff hanger episode from last season and then there's all this season which is exciting and starting off well... and will (apparently) completely end the series (from what I've read) and it's like... I'm totally excited.

It also helps that I want to take the lead actor and tie him to my bed for a few nights. Or be tied to his. You know, whatever. I'm not picky in this regard. Not when it comes to him, anyway.

So yeah. The Shield... wicked. Mr. Chiklis... not nearly naked enough.

Now that I think about it, how is it that man's managed to avoid the gratuitous nudity I so crave in men of his type? WTF? Seriously. More male nudity. It can be tasteful. But c'mon. Even George Eads (from CSI) has managed a few shirtless scenes and it's not like he's even the "main" character! Dammit.

I know, everything's filmed. It's too late to be crying for nudity. But the man's going to have to do better in this regard. I'll be patient, god knows. But not forever....

Memories....

I messaged Martin the other day as I was waiting outside my interview. I was bored and excited and needed someone to "talk" to, so I sent him a text. He wrote back hours later. We've written back and forth a bit the last few days, it all culminated with tonight. Our desire for one another leaking out a bit. I never know if his girlfriend's nearby. I worry she'll see. But what can she do to me? I worry for him, for my part in it, but I also know he's a big boy who can make his own decisions. It's hard to really contribute to his delinquency from across the country.

Back and forth we went, reminiscing. My brain immediately caught on the fact that I fucked Keith while I was still seeing Martin... of the fact that Martin couldn't compete. My desire for Keith was too strong, the chemistry so perfect. And yet, Martin and I had our fun for a while. Martin was the romantic, or played one so perfectly it made my heart ache a few times.

He told me he still masturbates when he thinks about some of the stuff we did. I smile a little. We were never so wild. Nothing I feel the need to relive so completely, nothing that'll get me off. Is he so easily amused, I wonder? There are really only a couple of things worth mentioning... the first night we were together, the night I sucked his cock while he chatted up his ex on the phone, and the night I stuck my tongue in his ass (an idea stolen directly from Keith's playbook, I might add). I can guess which one he chooses to remember so vividly.

But, none the less it woke up a longing in me. Got me thinking about how it felt to be around Martin, about my imaginings of what the good parts about being his girlfriend would be. Of course, it also made me think about the bad parts... but the good parts were the focus.

When it came to be bed time, I tried to seduce husband but nothing doing...

News

I spent the last hour snuggling with Husband. "I'm glad to be your wubby" he told me. I'm glad, too.

Today's already been... something. One of my ratties is dying. Well, not just dying. I'm having her put down today. That'll be the second since we moved here. She's not really a surprise, I suppose. She's around 2 1/2-3 years old which is a decent life for a ratty. Still, it hurts.

Meanwhile, I've already gotten a call back from the job I interviewed for, calling for a second interview. And I have an interview for another, similar, job next week.

Things are looking up just past the ratty's inevitable death.

Thoughts

Last night, I came onto husband. Several times. each time he was less than receptive. The last time, he escaped the room as quickly as he could. He wanted nothing to do with my advances. Typical.

I ended up having a non-sexual dream about Keith. I have, for the most part, accepted that Keith isn't a real, stable part of my life and never will be. And in the dream, it was much the same. He was there with his wife and kids (which in reality is his exwife) moving from where I live now to where I used to live. I went to help because as it turned out in the dream, Keith knew someone else I knew and I was able to be there as a stranger. He kept touching me in his familiar, delightful way when no one was looking and making me utterly mad with desire. Eventually his (apparently) mentally ill wife told everyone to leave because no one was helping. I looked helplessly at Keith, but he knew better than to argue with her. It was a really weird dream, but I woke up sad and longing for him. *sigh* In fact, Keith has moved to the same area I was in for the last 8 years. It tears me up that I missed him. In fact, it occurred to me that he may have flown into an airport a mere 20 minutes away. And I find myself disappointed that there was no chance I'd see him.

Anyway.

Oh, and I read your comment to my husband, no_more_secrets. He told me he's going to run over to my sister's house next time and say "screw it, we should just have sex." He doesn't think that'll go over very well.

Joy

Well, I'm not really, really happy. But I'm pretty happy. I had an interview this morning. It was the first response I got from putting in for a job I'd really love to do. Something I hadn't dared put in for, before. After all, what do I have to offer? But as it turns out... something. So I went to the interview and because of the unpredictability of traffic... and my own fear of being late... I ended up getting there and HOUR early. Eek. So I sat in the car and played with my ipod and sent text messages and finally went inside 15 minutes early.

The interview, which I was concerned would go terribly, went really, really well. I walked out of there in just the most excellent mood. Even if I don't get the job, it was a really, seriously positive interviewing experience that gave me a hell of a lot more confidence about my interviewing abilities. I was really happy.

Having done that, overall I'm in a way better mood than I've been in months. Way better. And maybe, just maybe, Husband will get some tonight. Maybe.

I have another, similar interview scheduled for next week. Hopefully I'll shine as brightly in that one and be offered that job. While I'm not sure it's a realistic hope (any more than I thought this one was) it is closer to what I have in mind. However, this job would be a GREAT stepping stone in moving towards what I want to do "in real life." And maybe, ultimately, be a great stopping point for me. It's a job I could be proud of, in and of itself.

So yeah. It's been a lovely day.

Makes me wish I had a boy toy to share the excitement with. But you know, maybe I can just do that with husband. Maybe.

The conversation I had

So after my post regarding my husband's sex drive and my feelings of amusement I got to thinking some more. Last night while we were making dinner together and I told him about the post and about my belief that I don't live in a world where my husband and my sister are having an affair... but perhaps I'm too confident about that.

He stared at me and then laughed "what, do you mean it?"

"Well," I told him, "one of the signs one's spouse is having an affair is an increased interest in sex. Like maybe having sex makes you want to have more sex... or it throws the person's suspicion off."

"I'm not having sex with your sister. I'm just horny."

"Right... so you go over there to pick something up and stay for an hour? Booty call?"

He shook his head, looking utterly perplexed. "You know, if I'm going to be accused of having an affair, I'd really prefer it be when I'm actually getting some from someone!"

I laughed at that and said, "you'd say that though, wouldn't you? You know there's nothing you can say that'll convince me you're not. And, really, they say if you suspect your spouse is having an affair they probably ARE."

He shook his head at me.

I wasn't completely serious. And he knew that. But it was a conversation I felt like I needed to have. I really DON'T think I live in a world where my husband and my sister would fuck... and I try to be pretty realistic. But there's always that doubt that I don't have the control over and understanding of my life that I think I do.

Which led me to confess my secret pleasure in denying him sex. He didn't find it nearly as amusing as I did, but he also didn't seem to feel very offended. "The difference," I told him, "is that sometimes I put out anyway." He couldn't deny it.

And oddly, it really wasn't a particularly tense conversation. Afterward, however, he went for the pepto bismul for heartburn. I gazed at him open mouthed "oh!" He stared at me quizzically "I have heartburn." "Yeah, after a stressful conversation! Oh my god!" He rolled his eyes in response and said "I had it BEFORE." Uh huh.

Another Part of Me

So I was laying in bed thinking about things. Everything. So of course, I couldn't sleep.

I've mentioned before the fact that my husband has become suddenly sexualized. Not like I used to be, but certainly more sexual than he's been since we first got married. I suppose in some ways this is a warning sign of an affair... and the only person he could possibly be having an affair with is my sister... but I can't seem to believe the likelihood. Some people lead lives where that sort of thing is a real possibility... I'm not one of those people. Anyway, that was a tangent....

Meanwhile, as husband's libido increases, mine has dropped off dramatically. Sex? No thanks. And everytime husband asks or even hints, I find myself laughing manaically inside and turning him down. "Gee, what's that like?" I ask him, snidely, reminding him of all the times I've been desperate to be touched and he's denied me.

I don't really mean it be vindictive... but really, I am a bit. I do still put out now and again, giving him blow jobs and hand jobs and the like. Far more than he ever did for me. However, I realize I'm still incredibly resentful of the last several years.

In fact, it occurred to me that I'm even resentful that I was forced to look for sex outside our home. Which isn't to say it hasn't been very enjoyable. I've reveled in that freedom. However, the operative word is "forced."

Anyway, I find myself having mixed and somewhat angry emotions about a lot of things. This is just one of them. I know there's a place and a way of thinking that will make me more accepting of the whole situation, but I've lost that place. Mostly, I'm just vengeful. And it makes me smile in an evil, evil way.

I don't feel like even this is a marriage breaker. I try hard not to visit my cruelty on him too often. Really, it should be never. And I'm working on it. But god damn, I'm spiteful....

To one who would never think I mean him...

Sometimes when I kiss my husband I close my eyes and imagine it's you. Sometimes I turn off the lights when I take him in my mouth and pretend it's your cock against my tongue. I'll lay in bed talking to him and open my eyes for a second expecting to see your face. I look over at him once in a while and wonder what it would be like if it was you there, instead. I wonder how you'd look at me. I wonder how things would be between us.

And then I check the casualty reports to make sure you're not actually dead, that you're still out there.

Maybe thinking of me.

The Fingers

I was watching some show on E! or Style or something tonight. In it, a rather average looking man (I kept having to ask myself if he was gay) had a segment about him. He was certainly NOT the sort of man I find attractive-- not my vision of masculine enough. However, he was rather quiet and soothing in his own way. He gave the female star of the segment a massage. And I found myself suddenly drooling all over this man. As I watched his oiled fingers gliding over the woman's soft skin I was thinking to myself about what it must be like to be him, to put his hands all over this naked woman's skin, to give all of this intense pleasure and yet get none directly in return. What must it be like to be allowed to touch these women and know they would never let him touch them outside that room. At least, not at first....

It was shocking to me how my body reacted. A slave of sorts. But if a man with those amazing hands were to offer a happy ending, offer to fuck me hard... well... I'm not one to deny him that mutual pleasure.

And then the thoughts just reminded me of what I'm missing in my own sex life. Someone willing to spend lots of time on me, now and again. I'm willing to trade off, I swear....

Girl Can't Help It...

Yeah, I'm listening to Journey and I'm NOT ashamed of it!

For whatever reason, I'm taking this period of joblessness pretty well. I still haven't told the management around here about the mold. That'll be tomorrow. As things stand, I'm cleaning, going through all the stuff we moved here with all those months ago and donating the stuff we don't need or want anymore and reorganizing the rest. With every unpacked box, every foot of floor space uncovered, I'm feeling lighter, more refreshed. Like just maybe there's hope... hope in everything.

The other night, husband got me a little drunk. It was mutual, really. We haven't gotten drunk in... a long time. Months? A year? I can't really remember. "You always get horny when you drink," he reminded me. I had to laugh at that. He's right, though. Unfortunately, it was also the first, most painful day of my period. However, being his good oral-sex giving wife, I was on my knees before too long.

Eventually I got bored of straining to suck him on the bed and led him out into the living room and pushed him into the lay-z-boy. I popped in one of my mainstream porn tapes (something random and reasonably non-offensive, though I jokingly told him it was gay porn since the first several minutes involve a group of men all talking) and set back to work. It wasn't too long until a porn starlet was on her knees before her costar, working his cock like the pro she so obviously is. I took my cue and redoubled my efforts, feeling his cock thicken and harden under my ministrations. Eventually he came, and lay back while I got a towel for him and cleaned myself off.

We spent the rest of the night in good moods as I came down from my buzz and he recovered from his sexual high. It was like a very pleasant night of vacation from everything for the both of us, and perhaps one of the best nights we've had together in years.

Life comes at you fast...

I was pretty much forced to quit my job. I walk away a wiser person, a better employee and a better supervisor. However, that doesn't pay the bills.

I've discovered a terrible mildew/mold problem along a wall in the living room. It's eaten at the bottom of my filing cabinet. I'm pissed. I'm going to have to move all the boxes and other sundries from around it so I can show it to the apartment maintenance guy. I suspect minor pressure could make a small section of the drywall cave in. The carpet under the cabinet is moldy black. Did I mention I'm pissed?

Meanwhile, husband is hornier than usual. Me? The exact opposite. Stress does nothing for my libido. Stress has been constant since the move out here. It's NOT getting better. So, I've been doing my part to "tend to" my husband's needs without having to go through the trouble of pretending to want to get fucked. Besides, there are few things more annoying than his litany that I need to "teach him how to use a condom." Like they're some fucking great, new technology that one needs to take a class on, or something. Shit, I don't even want to have sex, why in the hell would I want to "teach" him to use a condom? Fuck that.

My sister is still looking for booty calls online. My husband is taking ideas from her, searching craigslist with a vague sense of hope and embarrassment for a sexual partner besides myself. Am I pissy about it? You bet. For the last how many years, I've been begging him for sex on a regular basis until I just completely gave up and now all of a sudden he's become affectionate and suddenly oversexed... you know, when I want nothing to do with any of it anymore.

My life is bordering on the absurd.

Maybe it's already passed over that cliff.

Not very accurate psychological survey.

1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. With who?

Husband

2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?

Squirrel (grey)

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal.

It looks at me curiously and scampers up a tree.

4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house. Describe it.

It's a house just like the one in "house sitter." Exactly. But bigger.

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?

No.

6. You enter the house. You walk in to the dining room and see the dining room table. What do you see on AND around it?

Candle sticks, place settings, tea set. Chairs around, carpeting.


7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?

Plastic, insulated. Translucent purple.

8. What do you do with the cup?

Leave it.

9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. what kind of body of water is it?

A small-ish lake. Much bigger than a pond, but the shore is completely visible.

10. How will you cross the water?

I'll swim.

THE "KEY"
1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important person in your life.
2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life.
3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.
4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.
5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not drop by unannounced.
6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.
7. The durability of the material the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.
8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude.
9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.
10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life.

So lately, I've spent my time running to and from work. Those 9 hour days plus travel time (which can be anywhere from 40 minutes round trip to two hours on bad days) are kind of killer. Not to mention the unpredictability of what time of day those 9 hours start. Will it be 6am or 2pm? Or somewhere in between? It's a toss up. Needless to say, though I do have warning as to what my upcoming shifts are going to be, it doesn't make my sleep schedule anymore predictable, which means I spend most days tired as hell even before I go to work.

My weekends have been spent out with my husband and the dogs. I always swore when we came back home I'd make it a point to be more active and get out and do all the things I did as a teenager, but was unable to do as a young adult. Having the dogs has gone a long way toward realizing that. For the last month, each of my days off have included several hours wandering around the dog park. As the weather clears, hopefully we'll manage to take a few day trips. Heck we might even manage a camp out for a weekend. That'd be great.

I'm working hard on improving my attitude toward my husband. We spend an awful lot of time together since he's not been working and he's quite depressed. Getting out as been very good for both of us, but my attitude toward him over the last several years hasn't been very good and since things are currently magnified and our lives have become abnormally intertwined I see that it's been more harmful than helpful. I'm working to change that.

Which isn't to say I'm not still thinking about fucking various and sundry men. I'm just realistic in knowing now just isn't a great time for it.

I'm watching my sister do many of the same things I've done over the last few years in attempting to find someone to fuck regularly in an NSA fashion. I swear to god she's talking to a lot of the same guys. It's almost laughable, and it's helping me to not mind so much about the fact that I'm not looking. While I feel a certain longing for the thrill, I'm glad not to be talking to the crazies, including the guy who asked her if she'd be his girlfriend before they'd even had a single online conversation, let alone met in real life. Stuff like that, I can definitely do without....

I had the pleasure of seeing my new crush at work yesterday. It's so funny to me the way I look at him. He's not a super-hot guy. I'm not even convinced he's a hot guy. And yet, it matters not much at all to me. I'm aware of it and yet completely unaffected in my lust. I think it's because he reminds me of EB, my lover from a while back. I haven't heard from EB since before I left the East coast, although I keep an eye out for him online. He was a great guy just to talk to and he was nice in bed (with a distinct possibility of being kinky). However, I think EB found himself a full-time girlfriend and therefore dropped all his non-monogamous friends. I digress.

So I think my new crush reminds me of EB. And I think that's a lot of what keeps me looking at him with a little lust in my eyes. Although most of it has to do with the way he touched me. I keep trying to put myself in the position to be touched by him again. Often. But it's just not happening. Anyway, isn't it wrong to take sexual pleasure from someone's unknowing touch? I'm not convinced he's completely unknowing, however. I think he does it on purpose.

Anyway. That's about all I have to say for now.

Really

Really, I wasn't begging for notes or folks telling me they read. It's almost better NOT to know for sure. Then I can imagine I have hundreds of thousands of readers. Or just one or two. The later making it easier to write for myself rather than worrying about the opinions of the masses. Although I appreciate you all, no doubt.

So what do I have to write about now?

I was mulling over how very boring my life has become and my lack of an interesting sex life when it occurred to me that it really wasn't all THAT long ago I was sleeping with a couple other guys and found the experiences to be somewhat lacking. Not bad, for the most part... but not great, either. However, I somehow managed to forget I even HAD them. I was bemoaning the fact that I haven't gotten properly laid in years... except it's really only been something like half a year, which is really not that long of a stretch for me. So helllllllo drama queen....

So unfortunately for me, most of the guys who come into my store are either (very) old or grizzled or both. My regulars are pretty much fifty-somethings who've spent far too much time in the sun, which really does nothing for me. Yesterday a very, very hot guy came into the store but I had absolutely no contact with him.

My crush, the guy who works with me, once again managed to completely avoid being around me at all. I think I worked next to him for about 2 minutes and the entire time I was freezing my ass off as the doors next to me kept opening letting in the gusts of cold air from outside. I told him I never would have chosen that register if I'd known how cold it was and he offered to lend me his coat. *swoon* Okay, maybe not. I declined and he ended up getting sent elsewhere very, very shortly after... and that was that.

Q&A

Two recent questions have come up, so I'll go ahead and address them now.

First and foremost, I have an email address on my profile. I did NOT have one there before, but I've fixed that situation. I used to have one on my sidebar but, with the switch to new blogger I never bothered to put it back since I think in the years I've had this blog I've recieved something like a grand total of 6 emails, including the ones I received in the back-and-forth exchanges via email. However, it's there again to be further ignored by my 2 1/2 readers.

Which brings me to another point, (which was never a question) I totally ditched the stat-counter I used to have. New Blogger kicked it off my page and I've been far too lazy to replace it. So other than a few notes now and and again I have no idea who's reading my page or how often or even who's linking here. I only just discovered yesterday that Lola On... put me on her list of blogs she reads. I'm not sure WHY, I never asked for a reciprocal link and don't think I'm interesting enough for most people but hey, I'll take it. So if anyone else has linked to me and I haven't even bothered to look at your page... well... you know why. It's not personal. I'm link-blind and I'm still debating whether my life is better or worse for it.

Lastly, I was asked about whether I ever found a use for the collar. Why yes, my dog is infinately more obediant just having it on. After the first couple of mild shocks (at the exact same level my husband and I tested it on ourselves using) he's become far more responsive to our commands at the dog park. We actually haven't shocked him since the first day, although it's unlikely that'll last forever. So, yeah, no dog fights in the last few visits.

As for mentioning my curiosity about it as a sex toy, no I never did try it. Not because I'm afraid of it (well only near the metal on my nipples) but because I do have that previously mentioned aversion for sharing my sex toys with my dogs. So very, very few dirty thoughts about the collar have occured since the first day. I still threaten to use it on my husband when he's being disobedient but otherwise, it's pretty much out of range sexually. Which isn't to say I'm not, now, electrically curious. I don't want to get hurt... just... stung. But that's always been my near obsession.

I have this desire to TRY things, but maybe not go all out. I think I'll enjoy them but can't prove it since no one has been willing (or able) to share that particular interest with me to this point. I was wandering through the store I work in the other day and came across some pieces of wood that looked like rulers or paint stir sticks and found myself slapping my hand with it thoughtfully. Mild sting... cheap.... Ah, pervertables. Surely something that's been tried and abandoned by many a kinkster.... but not yet by me.

Okay, okay

I admit that I'm somewhat pathetic. The new boy (who appears to work, like, one day a week) was at the store today. Unfortunately, I didn't get to work near him the entire day. Somehow we ended up on very different schedules and when I tried to get myself moved to work next to him again, he ended up moved elsewhere. So I pretty much missed him for the entire day except for a brief moment when I took over the register he'd been using. He came back because he forgot something and ended up standing very close to me, touching me in that familiar, intimate way that's making me go a little crazy. This time we were almost front to front and I couldn't resist looking up at him... letting myself imagine, for a moment, his mouth... before I remembered that I was at work. Dammit.

I'm working on it being a reasonably nice week. I feel kind of pretty lately. Like maybe a glow a little. I'm still stressed out. But not like I have been. I'm reasonably happy on a daily basis. God only knows why.

Although I did have a dream last night that I got a DUI. It woke me about 20 minutes before my alarm went off and I lay there wondering what the hell that dream was about.

Why oh why can't I just dream about sex?!?

Total loss.

Late on Tuesday night (could have even been Wednesday morning) I realized it was Valentine's day. As I sat there at a computer in someone else's house I knew exactly how I'd be spending my Valentine's day.

The next day my husband and I dressed up, he in his pants, crisp white tailored shirt, and tie, and myself in pants and button down shirt, both of us dressed more carefully than we had been in months. I tied his tie for him and adjusted the tuck of his shirt, at his request. And then we headed out to the funeral.

I must say, of all the Valentine's day outings I can think of, this was perhaps the least expected and certainly not what I would have chosen had it been up to me. The day was certainly a complete and total loss. However, I never expect (or want) much for Valentine's day and it was nice to see my husband so carefully dressed.

The night before I spent part of the evening being both disgusted by and very attracted to one of my husband's relatives. I've always been attracted to him since he's a handsome guy with great flirting skills. He takes flirting from a hobby to a seemingly well planned seduction. I'm envious of his ability to manipulate me so well, even when I know what he's doing. However, my sense of self preservation keeps me from responding. Not to mention my continuing distaste for much of what he does in his life.

But oh, if he weren't family....

Why am I awake?

I have a bunch of stress going on having to do with a funeral (for someone I could pretty much not care less about) and the family's inability to make a concrete decision about anything. I waited for two days before finding out for sure what was going on at which point I told my place of work when I'd need to be off... and then the family changed the fucking date. So on my day off I get to go in to work and return the keys I accidentally took home with me and then see what's going on with the schedule. I'm fucking irritated.

AND I found my first grey hair in 10 years. I plucked it out, staring at it disbelievingly. What the fuck?


There are at least three men I look at lustfully while I'm at work. One I see hardly ever at all and I don't know why the fuck I find myself wanting to get into his pants. It's very obviously more about the way he acts than anything else. I found myself considering the way his hair would stick to the nape of his neck as he fucked me. I'm not the world's biggest fan of sweat... but the visualization was strong. Another reminds me very much of the guy who used to stand in front of me at the bus stop when I was in high school. A guy who sexy broad shoulders. The one that made me obsessed with sexy broad shoulders. This guy has them, too. And he's funny. And a good teacher, one of the few (only?) people I've ever worked with who not only knows his stuff but is very good at teaching it to others without coming across as a know-it-all. I find myself wondering what else he's knowledgeable about... and wanting very much to find out. The third I mentioned recently. The new boy who may or may not be as sexy as I think he is. I didn't see him today.

A guy came in who looked very much like Nils. Similar uniform and everything. I had to do a double-take. But it wasn't him at all. It never will be.

And I got to flirt with another customer. I'm trying to remember how. I asked him for his number (as is my job). He declined, with some comment about me calling him. I reminded him it wasn't for personal use then added that perhaps it could be afterall. "My wife wouldn't like that much," he said with a grin. I whispered back "she wouldn't have to know." "I've heard that before," he told me. Which sent me into a fit of giggles. I bet he has. I never did get his number.

Excuses.

I kind of thing of myself as somewhat progressive about some things. Which is the most useless sentence I may have ever written. What I'm trying to say is that I think of myself as being fairly sexually free. I still have my "issues" (spades of them) but for the most part other than an occasional "squick" and a few "that is NOT for me" thoughts I'm pretty okay with other people's sex lives and their choices therein.

However, things I'm NOT particularly into... watching two people have live sex while not participating myself. Now, watching two (or more) people have sex on camera in a video is FINE with me. Perfectly FINE.

The thing that kind of freaks me out... having the people I've watched have sex on camera actually comment on my blog. Oh. My. God. It's both a cool brush with "celebrity" and an unexpected melding of fantasy and reality. It'd be one thing if it'd been something more cerebral... but I ought to just be honest and admit (joyfully) that I came a couple of times. So to actually have any sort of real contact at ALL with the folks I've come to is... well, it's mind boggling to me.

Anyway, so I sat down after watching the movie the first time and started writing a review. I watched it again and wrote just a bit more. And then came across the comment the couple left on my blog. And then I stopped writing either the review or in my blog at all. Because I was distracted by real life, not inspired to write, and of course somewhat freaked out knowing that the couple could (and maybe WOULD) read my review. I mean, shoot, it's like writing a review of someone's sex life. Obviously, it's NOT... but well... you can see how I'd think of it that way. So I had to rethink it. Bad enough to be pretty sure that Tony Comstock would read it, worse to have the "characters" do so as well.

Not that I have too much bad to say. Just a couple of things I would have preferred.... really more in a "if it had been up to me" kind of critique which is actually pretty fucking awesome compared to any other porn I've seen. But it still gave me pause.

Anyway, maybe I'll write it. Maybe not. No big deal either way, really. Not like anyone's waiting for it. But that's my excuse for the long delay. Well, several excuses.

...crush?

So I met a new boy at work. And you know, I didn't gaze longingly at him but I think he's okay looking. Familiarity will either change that to thinking he's desperately sexy or utterly revolting. In the future, I'll either look at what I'm about to write with a wry smile or with a sneer of disgust. But, what can I say? It's that time of the month and I'm horny.

There's a register at work that's partially broken. They still insist on making people work at that register. Today it was him. Each register shares a horse-shoe shaped counter with another register so we mostly stand back to back (far apart enough to not touch). However, because the register he was at is broken he kept having to come over to mine to finish his transactions. Which is to say he would stand very close behind me, sometimes. Occasionally, his hand would touch me here or there on my side or back either to guide me a bit out of his way or to make me aware of his presence so I wouldn't run into him. And I found it fucking erotic as hell.

I have this minor obsession with being touched and held and caressed and fucked from behind. Maybe it's a bit of my own selfishness (oops, can't reach you, guess you'll have to concentrate on ME) and maybe it's a bit of my own shyness(you can't see me so I can just utterly relax and give into the sensations) but it's an important part of my fantasies. So every time he'd touch me I'd find myself silently and inconspicuously aroused. It was really, really nice. We talked very briefly and he seems like he might be a really cool guy.

Not that I want to get my meat where I get my bread. But. You KNOW how much I enjoy a good flirtation with a sexy guy.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night apparently dreaming about Sam. It made me sad to think I won't probably ever see him again. I guess I'm still mourning him a little. I really liked him. Which, of course, made me think of Nils. *sigh*

Collar

Today we went to the store and bought an electric collar for one of our dogs. I've never been a fan of the collars for but have recently discovered that it's possibly much safer for my dog (and other dogs) for him to have the collar than to have him attacking other (smaller) dogs at the dog park and getting hit by other dogs' owners (as happened last week) when he tries to jump up and take a chunk of fur out of their precious poodles. Generally he's great with other dogs but out of ever 50 he meets, one ends up being a problem for him and he's nearly impossible to control at great distances, so we're hoping this will help. Okay, okay, enough of the defense of the collar.

So, we brought it home and charged it and I immediately had to try it. There's no way in hell I'm going to put something like that on my dog without testing it on myself first. Needless to say after the initial fear of even trying it, and the initial shock of the sensation, it's not that bad. It can be vaguely painful at the higher levels, but not in such a way as to be unmanageable, I think. After I tested it, husband tested it, too. Then I tried it on myself again.

And then I got to thinking. Lots of people are into e-stim (as they call it) during their "sm" play. Having experienced just the barest taste, I got to wondering whether any of those people have considered electric collars on human bits (surely they have) which led me to wondering about the sensation against a nipple. Or in my case, my nipple piercing. Would I end up with a cooked nipple? Or just some intense, interesting sensations? Which led me to wondering about the possibility of using the collar somewhere further south. Across the wetter, juicier bits.

While I don't think I'm particularly interested in sharing my sex toys with my dog (in ANY way) I find the idea very interesting. I shared this line of thought with my husband and while he managed not to have a look of horror, he certainly cringed a bit and asked me, teasingly, what the hell is wrong with me. Obviously it's not something he's interested in, and while I'm curious, I can't say it's overwhelming curiosity.

However, after considering the "damage" I could do to myself using the collar I started considering Keith. Keith has been my "go to guy" for many fantasies and delightful memories. One of the things I don't think I went into any particular detail about was the fact that I discovered (long after our encounters) that he was very much a masochist and very subby. At the time I found the idea only vaguely intriguing. I've always thought of myself as being more sub and never found much interest in exploring the other side of things. However, whenever I hit on delightful toy ideas (like alternative uses for the collar) which have the potential to be quite painful, I think of Keith and the pleasure we both might have found in the experience....

Often Tired

I'm about to go to bed. However, I thought I might as well write a bit.

Work is going okay. Not great, not bad. I'm used to being somewhat of a stand-out employee and in this case I'm clearly new and quite middle of the road. I expect more of myself. However, I'm not doing badly, which is fine.

I worked my first night shift and discovered that the vast majority of the young, hot guys come in during the evenings. The "yuppy" sort (if anyone still calls them that), whom I adore. One particular cutie came in and amused me with his mock-outrage over a particular item that was special-order only. I even managed to flirt a little with a couple other particularly fine men which really made my night. I'm endlessly grateful for my last job and the confidence in gave me in interacting with all sorts of people, but specifically hot guys. Where I would have avoided eye contact and found conversation impossible, I'm much more able to interact. While it might not seem like much to some, to me it's amazing.

Meanwhile, with husband around and a lack of time (as evidenced by the fact that I haven't written in a while) I've managed not to masturbate for... days. And there have been a few times recently where I've found myself almost overwhelmingly horny. Tonight I managed to masturbate myself to a particularly amazing orgasm. It's been a bit too long since I've cum, and even longer since I came as hard as that. I fucking love cumming. I adore masturbating. Frankly, I'm currently in a bit of a situation where I'm pretty fucking satisfied with myself and not all that interested in getting anyone else to help.

Well, okay, that's not really true. If some sexy piece of ass managed to fall into my lap I'd absolutely not turn him down. I could use some deep, passionate kisses. However, I'm just not digging the idea of getting naked with anyone, of late.

So yeah, that's what's up with me.

Frustrated.

I was thinking about the last time husband and I had sex and really, I have no idea, anymore, when it was. Before the trip here. Before October. Before the summer? It's so hard to remember. So no, the husband hasn't been putting out lately anymore than ever. He would have the other night but... I'm pretty much done going down that road with him. In a way I can't even explain.... Like, I can do sexual things with him but... not fucking. Naw. Even kissing has become something I avoid from him. When he wants to kiss me I tend to act much more bored and irritated than I actually am. I don't even know why I do that. Payback for the way he would act when I wanted to fuck?

Whatever the case, I'm increasingly intolerant of him at ALL. I regularly feel like smashing a fist into his face which isn't really a nice feeling. Especially when I know my irritation is completely unfair in most cases. And what's really confusing is I want to be around him and I love the way he makes me laugh (and I love making him laugh, too). I keep wondering if it would be easier if I just labeled him a roommate and tried to think of him in that way completely... if it'd help with my continual irritation or if being stuck with him as a roommate would only make it worse.....

I don't know what I'm thinking, really.

Okay, okay, I was thinking about coming onto him tonight, trying to get him into bed with me in a carnal way. But it just doesn't seem worth the effort and the anger I'd feel at the inevitable rejection....

Work and Desire

So I have a couple of days off. Thursday I go to another job interview for another part time job. Supposedly it's flexible. Hopefully it's as flexible as I need it to be. Something to accommodate my first job.

As for my first job, I spent Saturday and Sunday there and definitely think I like it. There's a fair number of repeat customers that come in, although mostly I recognize the older couples and the women for some reason. Too many of the men, cute or otherwise, seem the same. And I spend a lot of time keeping my eyes peeled for people I went to high school with, hoping NOT to run into any of them....

Meanwhile, I'm starting to feel a lot better. In general. In most parts of my life. Not all of them. But... some. Having a job, getting to be around people, smiling so much my cheeks hurt... it's all good for me. I'm not ALWAYS happy, but I'm happier. And horny.

Last night I could have had sex with husband. But I found myself mostly annoyed. I keep forgetting what a good lover he's proven himself to be the last time or two we've made love (so, so long ago). I think of Keith, mostly. I have short films in my head that I run through sometimes, thinking of the various things I've done with various men... always how they fell short. But I never come up with any of that regarding Keith. Only of the almost endless pleasure we shared.

Hells bells, he's messed me up when it comes to other men.

First REAL day

My tongue piercing has been out for the last 24 hours. I kind of miss it. But... not a lot. Having my mouth free of anything poke-y is rather nice. I still find myself fiddling with my tongue as if the barbell was still there... but it's gone. And done with. It was kinda fun while it lasted.

Meanwhile, I had my first day of working at the new store. I might very much like it. I deal with a hell of a lot of men. And it seems like the women are pretty pleasant, too. I mean, like, there are some really hot guys who come in. And after working at the last store, I've learned to be waaay less shy than I used to be. It's really kind of funny to me that were you to ask any one of the people I work with if I'm shy they'd almost certainly find the idea strange. And while I still have my moments of silence and discomfort, I'm just so much more outgoing than I used to be. I had a lot of conversations with a lot of people today, both that I work with and that I don't. It was really great....

We'll see how I feel about it a few weeks from now (and a few months) but for now... I'm totally stoked. I just wish I had more hours....

Inspiring!

So I drove to work (an hour) and worked for a half hour and then drove home. Not a bad day's work. THat's like what.. $3.00 after taxes? Yeah. Well worth it. Really. Uh oh, was that bitter, angry SemSex coming out? Yes, yes it was.

I'm seriously considering looking for a second job. In fact, I might just be interviewing for one next week. They say the hours are "flexible" which should work out well for me since it'd be a second job and all.

On a side note, Tony of Comstock Films left me a note a few entries back announcing the Great Comstock Films Ipod Give Away (or you know, the name HE'S calling it...). Inspired by yours truly. That's right, I inspire people to give away their ipods. That right there is a beautiful thing. I told Husband of this and he asked why the hell *I* don't get a free one. I laughed and told him, "yeah, I should enter... oh, wait... I already HAVE an ipod." Anyway, I'm thrilled to have had any sort of hand in something cool like inspiring anyone to do anything at Comstock. Because, you know, I dig their style. I really do.

So little time...

So yesterday I woke up early, but it turns out it wasn't quite early enough to get me to work on time. I was only a couple of minutes late, but if there's one thing I loathe it's tardiness. I'm NEVER late. In fact if anything I'm usually about 20 minutes early. This really doesn't have much to do with much, but I have to point out that my commute to work takes about an hour. Because of traffic. The same is true for my commute home. Unless it's during non-rush-hour traffic at which point it takes about 20 minutes.

Once I got home I lay down pretty much immediately. For a 20 minute nap. I woke up several hours later to force myself to go to the store. And then came back home and went to sleep.

I sleep all the time. Hopefully once all the learning is done I'll be able to stay awake when I'm not FORCED to. Because this sucks....

Well, I'll be.

So I really didn't see so much of anyone, again, today. However, I got a better look at the new boy (who will be working as far from me in the store as possible) and while he's still not my type... he's not too bad. He was wearing a... foreign jacket... I won't name names but with his looks and his jacket if he's not a first generation immigrant his parents both are. I suspect the former. All I'm saying is that Lola from Lola On... would adore him. And I can respect that. But he's just too young.

I was thinking the other part where I said that my trainer is Asian seemed a little out of place. One must not forget I have a bit of a fetish for Asian men so....

Anyway, I wandered through the store and got a look at a couple of hotties here and there. Customers, of course. But enough to bring a smile to my face. Yay. Hopefully by the end of the week I'll be suffering through serving customers... and mooning over the hot guys again....

First day

I spent the day in front of the computer. It was not exciting. I thought I was going to die of tired most of the way through the day. And then at the end, too. Oh, it was a long, long day. The computer was not a hot and sexy man. It was very disappointing. My trainer is not a hot and sexy man. He is asian. Which is cool. But that's all I have to say about him. The guy I'm training "with" is one of those young, urban emo white boys... well... at least that's my take on him. Nothing that interests me. In fact, I'm pretty sure there are NO guys I want to fuck who work there. Well, possibly one, but I only saw his reflection in a window. Not much to go on.

I'm under the impression tomorrow will be more of the same....

First Day

My first day of work is here. Well, my first day of training. For the first time in my work history I actually get three days of not-on-the-job training. Which is really pretty funny to me since I'm now quite comfortable with the basics (and some of the advanced parts) of the work I do and really just need the specifics having to do with this particular company. But whatever. Three eight-hour days of training, I was told. It's going to be a long three days. After that, though, it'll go down to part time which is NOT what I want. But you do what you've got to do. I'm almost certainly going to need a second job, especially since the husband isn't working.

In some ways I really have enjoyed the time I've spent sitting around doing nothing. But I guess it's time to get back into the real world. It'll be nice to have real-world conversations with people who aren't related to me by blood or marriage....

So today... today I look forward to possibly being bored out of my mind. But soon... maybe, just maybe, I'll get to start talking to lots of people again. And hopefully at least a few of them will be hot, sexy men.

Porn in the mail!

I'm gonna work on updating my blog template a little. Maybe. I started. I clicked a couple of buttons. Saved the old template. Yeah, exciting, I know. It's dramatic and different. The drawback being, mostly, that I've currently lost my blogroll. Which pretty much sucks since that's the main way I access everyone else's blogs. Not that I can't put it back. I just don't want to go through the effort right now.

Moving on, I bought Matt and Khym: Better Than Ever, like, last year. First off, I wonder what it must be like to be the couple who was filmed, is there an impatience to see the finished product and find out the outcome? Or do they have regrets? I mean, they're human right? I always wonder about the aftermath, good bad, or indifferent. Anyway, there's a tangent for you. Regardless, I've been staring at Khym's nose ring, but I haven't been able to bring myself to watch it, yet. For three major reasons, first is that my sexual pleasure has so little to do with my husband these days that the idea of watching porn and or masturbating in front of him makes me uncomfortable (and we're together ALL THE TIME, these days).

Second, I'm a little concerned over my emotional state in regards to the movie. The other movie from Comstock that I own, Marie and Jack: A Hardcore Love Story was really trying for me, emotionally. The lovers' affection and passion for one another was evident and beautiful and it left me feeling bereft in my own life. Watching them together reminded me very much of what it felt like to me to be with Keith last year. And while I can't say he and I even had the potential to continue on that sort of path, I was left aching for his touch and the affection he showed me while we were together. I really only watched the movie twice, once with commentary and once without. I had a wonderful orgasm but walked away not really sure what to make of the experience. I might watch the movie NOW and wonder why the hell I had such an emotional reaction, but I've been unwilling to chance it. When it comes to Matt and Khym I'm really concerned I'm going to be left in the same state, aroused and elated by the movie... and at the same time feeling empty in my own life.

The third reason, and really the most pressing of them is that I can't find my computer's speakers since the move. While I'm sure the movie has the potential of being pleasurable without the commentary... really, it's an integral part of the movie. Sound is very arousing to me. In phone sex, I've found myself most excited by the catches of breath and moans a man makes as he nears orgasm far more than by the words. Missing that in a movie makes even the sexiest scene seem sterile. On the other hand, so does the painfully fake moaning, grunting orgasms of the silicone-sex flicks. Without the speakers... well... it's definitely not the same. Especially when it comes to these particular movies.

I could use the DVD player on the tv, but that very much goes back to the first situation. I can reasonably sit in the corner with my computer and masturbate without feeling uncomfortable about the situation, but the apartment is so small that it's very difficult to watch TV without my husband knowing exactly what it is I'm watching. It shouldn't be a big deal, and in a way it's not... but it kind of is. Knowing he's aware and choosing to remain uninvolved makes it very hard to relax and enjoy a movie.

I'm reminded of an entry Tony Comstock made on his blog (which referenced my blog) regarding ipods and the future of porn on them. For the last month or so of my last job I avidly listened to Violet Blue's Open Source Sex podcast while I worked alone. It made closing up the store a much more pleasant, interesting affair. I also used it at home, on occasion, to masturbate. It was VERY effective. Since the computer is my main source of porn (and thus masturbatory fulfillment) it's helpful to have the ipod so I can take my porn elsewhere, namely the bedroom. I've yet to masturbate to a movie on the ipod. I've watched and enjoyed some of the podcasts offered by Comstock, but never actually came to them. It might be interesting to try to rip the movie to my ipod (if that's possible) just to try it out.

If I can find some damned headphones.

Stupid blogger still won't let me publish comments like they used to. You know, type and THEN sign in and publish. No, sir. That'd make too much sense. Afterall, it's just the way they've always done it, why continue? Ugh.

I start my part time job on Monday. I'm trying to get in with a full time job. Maybe I'll have both. Maybe I won't feel overwhelmed. My husband, meanwhile, is not working at getting a job at all. And no, he doesn't want to go out. To the store. Or anything. "Next thing you know, I won't be willing to leave the bedroom." Funny, that's exactly how I was feeling just about a week ago. And two weeks ago, too. Get out of bed? What the fuck for?

I'm starting to feel slightly more alive these days.

Oh, and that Magic Bullet thing they keep advertising on TV? I'm totally sold. I don't know how or why but I want one so bad I'm tempted to put it on credit. And I NEVER put ANYTHING on credit. Except, every single time I see the ad or hear the name I immediately think magic bullet... is that a vibrator? At which point I start looking for ways in which the magic bullet is shaped similarly to a dildo. Maybe that's part of the reason I really want one. Sex sells.

I'm still not looking for a lover. It struck me the other day as I was in the shower that I cannot for the life of me remember the last time I got fucked. Oh, wait. I vaguely remember, now. It was with that cop at the hotel. I suppose it's only been 4 or 5 months. Only. God damn.

Ah, sweet relief

I'm looking at the likelihood of having not one, but two jobs. I'm really not sure that I'll take or keep both, and I'm having problems deciding which one to take. One would be more pleasurable to me, I think. The other has all the money and benefits. While money isn't everything, the first job doesn't (yet) offer enough to live on and the second would. Easily. So, yeah. I find myself vaguely fraught trying to pick. We'll see. Something will work out, no doubt.

Thank god things are finally starting to come together a little. I can start getting out of the house, moving around, making money and rejoining society. And then... hopefully, I'll get at least a little of my confidence back. Maybe have something fun to write about.

I woke up this morning thinking about Keith. I haven't heard from him forever....