Amusement

Find out where I've journeyed on the Map of Human Sexuality! Or get your own here!

State of the Union

Things are going here. Going as usual, really. We've almost been together 10 years, the old man and I. What a strange, strange thing to consider....

Husband has misplaced his most recent girlfriend. Well, she misplaced herself. The problem with women (...men, too) is that they don't really know what they want. The last woman made it very clear that she wasn't looking for a relationship. According to her, the last guy she'd dated had suggested they make their relationship more permanent which led her to dropping him quickly. In the case of my husband after they'd been seeing each other for a while she dropped him because "she wanted something more permanent." In fact, she told him that she didn't like the fact that his wife (me) could "stop things whenever she wanted." Which was never a danger.

I'm not sure if she was a liar or a fool. But, husband has my pity since I've been in his position before. With the man I call "the ex." He was both a fool and a liar. But I still cared very deeply for him. And he was an AMAZING kisser....

I must digress to the fact that kissing can very much make or break a relationship. In the case of "the ex" it absolutely MADE that relationship. There were a few other things he did well, but most importantly the man could kiss. God, could he ever.

So once again husband is on the prowl. I think he's a little disheartened. I totally understand that.

Meanwhile, I find the rest of my life just fulfilling enough to not feel like I need to go hunting for sex. I'm still totally sprung on those two nights with Keith, though as time goes by I get a little more willing to settle for something less. I still keep in contact with Martin, a little. I miss him more than I miss anyone else, I think. He's a great friend and I enjoyed having sex with him, too.

Part of me wants another lover. But at this point I want something like Martin and I had. Something based on friendship and mutual pleasure. I can get a little wilder, later, after I've enjoyed that particular closeness for a while....

As things stand...

Husband seems to have found himself a pretty permanent girlfriend. She seems nice enough, though I've never met her. I'm pretty sure it should stay that way as I tend to be bitter and sarcastic toward my competition... even when we're not actually IN competition for anything.

My warcraft account was hijacked and has since been banned. My repeated emails to those in charge have been summarily ignored. At this point I'm pretty sure I'm just SOL. The thing that really, really frustrates me is the amount of money I've spent for the right to play (namely buying the games themselves) and the fact that they can ultimately decide that even though I've paid for the games, I'm not allowed to play. Welcome me back to console gaming where I can buy and play a game and no one can come and tell me that the game's over before it actually IS. AND I can play those games again... once again... without some big brother coming in to inform me that I'm not allowed to play the game I paid for. Gah. So angry. Fuck Blizzard and fuck Warcraft anyway.

Speaking of fucking... since it appears I won't be playing warcraft (you know, that game I PAID for?) anymore... I've apparently got a lot more time to... well... fuck. I'm still in mourning (obviously) about the warcraft account... so I'll be whining about it for a while. But I'm thinking that maybe the time I wasted on warcraft would be better spent on self improvement. Which is soooo much easier said than done!

So... in my mind, casual sex and becoming a better love is really a form of self improvement. It certainly makes me feel really, really good when it goes well. So maybe it's time I start thinking more about sex and life and less about my frost mage.....

Nostalgic

I was reading some old blog entries.. and you know... it makes me misty. I miss those days. I miss the sexy, young men whom I used to engage in various forms of intercourse with. I miss that wildly social, wildly sexual life I lead for a while there. I like* being a slut. I like wandering into work knowing that I got thoroughly fucked by some guy last night, someone who isn't my husband. Someone no one would approve of me fucking.

There is an extreme shortage of males at my work. Of the two I see often, one of them is attractive enough for me to consider in a sexual sort of way... the other is currently hovering at just over twice my age. The thing is, the more attractive of the two has a whole family and huge social network that just overwhelms me. I have, somehow, managed not to more than very briefly entertain erotic thoughts about him. Somehow it simmers there quietly in the back of my mind, but goes no further. He's sort of a "last man on earth" kinda guy. I mean, I would and I'd probably enjoy it... but only if he were the last man on earth.

The older gentleman... I actually DO find oddly attractive. And it kind of freaks me out. I swear he even flirted with me the other day and I found myself amused by the whole thing. Every so often he says or does something and I can see him as a much younger man... and I kind of want him. I think he and I could have gotten along very, very well back in the day. Unfortunately, there are some things about him that absolutely blow my attraction to him away. Nine days out of ten when I work I find myself feeling a strong righteous rage toward him. And not even that sexy kind of potentially explosively passionate rage. Just cold rage.

Looking back at a few years ago, though. God I had fun. I was such an optimist for a while. It was beautiful. Everything was. I love that.

*I also really, really like italics today.

Girlfriend

So husband has gotten pretty steady with his current girlfriend. He swears it's really a friends with benefits thing and nothing more. "We're pals" he tells me, "who have sex." Been there, done that. But at the same time, I think there's still a certain relationship that forms. A special sort of bond. And I can't help but be a little jealous of that. On the other hand, I don't know this woman but I really like her. I like the effect she's had on Husband. She's indirectly changing our lives for the better and I can't bring myself to complain.

This weekend he's planning on spending Friday and Saturday nights with her. He won't be coming home until Sunday sometime. When he originally asked if I was okay with that I found myself a little bitter. A little unwilling to share. One night's okay... but TWO? C'mon! He's done this before, of course. And SOMEHOW I survived. Magically. Because, really, it's not that big of a deal. So I pouted for a couple of minutes and then I got over it.

Mostly, I'm jealous that he has somewhere else to go. Someone else to hang out with besides just one another. And if I really wanted a boyfriend it probably wouldn't be all that hard to make it happen.....

Porn... for women

So I've long had something of a crush on... well... a couple of different porn actors. Anyway, I was watching one of my favorites getting a BJ from some chick... and I found myself thinking "goddammit, if I wanted to watch him get a blow job, I'd GIVE him a blow job." And that pretty much sums up my feelings on that.

The number

I'm sure I've written about this before. I'm also sure I have no new thoughts on the matter. But I guess the same "issues" run through my head now as years ago. Unresolved as ever. I was reading about the difference between the number of partners a man had versus a woman and what that difference means to the two people in that relationship.

And once again I find myself vaguely at a loss to know what to say about my own number. At this point I have to admit I can't really remember how many men I've been with. It's been years... and so many of those men were one or two night stands that weren't all that memorable. I remember the ones that really matter (for various reasons). If I were to count those I think my number would be something like five or six. I kind of don't feel like knowing my own number. At one time it was a matter of pride for me. But then, suddenly, I realized that I could give a shit how many (in gross) I've fucked but really only care about the number who were actually really worth remembering. And even then it's not about a "number" it's about those nights and with those men.

Then I started thinking about Husband's number. His is slowly, but steadily, growing. And while I can take an educated guess, I really just don't care.

So that's the numbers for you.

Someone else's star....

So Husband is the one with all the stories these days. I just sit back and listen. He had a hot date last night, with someone I think he's only talked to a few times. He dressed up just a little bit (in one of the nice shirts I picked out for him about a year ago) and we agreed he'd call me when he figured out what his plans were for the evening. He brought a toothbrush. He did call... and he didn't come home.

The next day, Husband came home and called me at work to let me know he was home. "Did you have fun?" I asked him. "I guess," he said, sounding down. "K. Thanks for letting me know, I'll call you later," I told him and promptly forgot. When I got home, I asked him about his evening.

"It was bad," he told me. I asked for more details. "She has some interesting friends," he said, "HOT, friends. But we went back to her place and... it was just bad." I asked for more details, again. "She's had kids. And... well... you know the phrase 'hot dog down a hallway'?" I nodded and smiled and immediately started doing Kegels.

"Did you get off?" I asked. "Yeah, eventually I got myself off." I followed with, "did she get off?" "Oh, yeah." Then he added, "she just laid there. I mean, not the whole time. But she didn't move." "Mmm," I said, sympathetically. "And she talked. I mean the whole time. And she tried to get me to talk. And I couldn't shut her up. I don't like to talk. I don't need to hear how great my dick feels in her every two seconds." I smiled wryly. Husband could stand to be more vocal in bed. But too much talk is very distracting.

"Will you see her again," I asked. "No," he told me, " and you know it's put me off for a while. It was really bad." "Not so eager for your next hook up?" I asked. "No, not so eager right now." "Now you can see why I was always so interested in finding a longer-term partner. When the sex is great it's really hard to let that go. And bad sex... bad sex is just made worse when you've been with someone who's really good."

And then I opened up yahoo messenger and got an offline message from Keith.

It's a small world....

Husband's last "girlfriend" dropped him so she could become exclusive with some other guy. This whole situation reminded me just vaguely of "the ex" and I swear to god if she starts sniffing around him again I'm going to have to warn Husband off. Of course, he probably won't listen... I wouldn't.

Right now he's chatting up some other MUCH more local woman. I'm actually all for that. I really, really don't believe in traveling long-distances for a sexual relationship. Especially when you live in a city of roughly 3 million people. (Btw... I know it's not NYC but holy shit that's a lot of people who live locally!) I fully admit I've traveled long distances for sex before... but I learned my lesson and now flatly refuse.

Anyway, so the new woman the Husband is chatting up is friends with a blogger I read regularly. (I don't link to that blog, so don't bother thinking too hard about it.) Husband is not a blogger and is not terribly interested in the whole subject but I'm terribly entertained by the fact that he of all people would provide the real life connection.

I really don't think anything will come of that relationship. I mean, they might meet and have sex but I doubt it'd be more than once or twice. Based on what I've heard about her sexual proclivities I'm not sure they're on the same page. He thinks he can just ignore this particular "fetish" she has. I suspect she thinks she can convince him to try it. I think it's a disaster. But it's likely to be entertaining for pretty much everyone involved!

Erotica

Violet Blue used to read porn on her podcast. I thought that was really hot. She's got a great voice and chose some stories I found really great to masturbate to. She's stopped podcasting as much as she did and I find myself at a bit of a loss as to a good replacement. Maybe I'm using the internet wrong. But, I've been considering searching those great free-porn sites for stories that interest me and (with the author's permission) recording my OWN podcast. However, I find it really hard to believe there aren't other folks with better voices and the same idea. But like I said, maybe I'm using the internet wrong....

Porn

I was recently visiting one of my favorite free porn sites (yeah, I'm cheap) which gives me snippets of movies two of which are generally long enough to get me off and send me on my way to the rest of the less sexy internet (or WoW, as the case my be). During my visit I found myself gazing thoughtfully at one of the porn males. Many (read: most) male porn stars are barely tolerable to me. One might even call them repulsive. In this case I found myself not really attracted so much as... intrigued. Here (pictured at left) was a rather handsome, hard bodied, blue eyed, tattooed fellow in porn . Straight porn, even. Since WHEN? I did some diligent searching and found out his name (Derrick Pierce) and checked out a little more about him. In doing so I found myself at the LA Direct Models website eyeing the male... models. It took me a few minutes of serious consideration before I decided that "Modeling" was not really what they were selling. Certainly no one from the site is in any danger of starring on America's Next Top Model.

I've discovered the faces and bodies of main stream porn actors have changed dramatically. For the better. Nice. None of the actors on the LA Direct site are irresistibly attractive to me, but of the choices I found myself eyeballing Christian the most. He's got a hot body (well, I like more fat on my men but I won't complain), he's very masculine, and has a really great smile. I looked up a little of his work (fairly standard professional porn fair). I also stumbled across his blog. I've been hooked since. It's not that his blog is incredibly well written. Nor the fact that he plays a horde character on WoW (which server?!?!). It's interesting to get a peek into the life of a porn star. A MALE porn star, even. I'm learning things about the porn industry I had no idea about, had never considered.

There are a couple of things that have come from this. First, I'm watching a lot more porn these days and a good percentage of my time is spent being more critical, seeing all the things that are contrived to make it more palatable to male tastes (and unfortunately, often less palatable to my own). Second, I've learned a respect for the "actors." Lastly I've discovered that Christian has acted in some same-sex (tranny) scenes. I had NO idea what a big deal this is to some people. I've written about gay-for-pay (or whatever you want to call it) before. I was writing about how hot I found it... and there are a bunch of folks bitching about him doing gay porn. I'm too lazy to find a link but as it turns out there's not really a shortage and it's really vitriolic. Who knew?

I finally hunted down a tranny flick starring Christian. As it turns out, I'm not that interested in trannies. But what I really appreciated about it was the fact that Christian comes off as being... amused. It's not a serious business and the set up and acting by the trannies was terrible, but he somehow kept it from being a complete flop... which made me really like him.

I remain very committed to something more amateur. Or at least less... fake (ie Comstock). However, I have to raise my glass to male porn stars and to Christian in particular. Keep it up (ha ha).

It's just...

So there's this guy who's come into my work a few times. Older than me by at least a few years... perhaps not conventionally handsome. But he's got a kind face and a quick smile; one of those smiles that transforms his features from average to something much more.

I was having a pretty bitchy, crappy morning and he came in. And talked to me a little. And I got just a little bit more of a crush on him. And it changed my entire day. Suddenly the world was a little brighter and I couldn't stop smiling.

It's been so damned long since I've run into a guy who seemed crush-worthy. Someone who could brighten my day by just smiling at me... or by my just thinking of him.

Of course, given the place I work I'm not in much danger of running into him too often. I'm lucky if I see some of our clients a couple of times a year. In his case I think I've seen him three or four times in the last two months which is quite a lot.

Anyway, it's nice getting to feel that rush of excitement, again.

It's be extra nice if I got to go back to his place with him and....

Just a quick note

So since I last wrote husband has been to see his girlfriend a few more times. Things are still kind of weird but I don't find it infecting our daily life too much. It's funny, though, listening to him sounding a heck of a lot like I used to when I was seeing my lovers. "I'll stop if you want me to... nothing's worth upsetting you" etc etc etc.

We really haven't had sex since he got himself a girlfriend. In a sense that means he's being faithful to her. That does not please me. On the other hand I find myself remembering how very BORING sex was with husband once I'd had a taste of a new lover. Sex with him was a consolation prize (though I'm pretty sure I never made him feel that way) and I can only imagine he feels the same way about me. I told him the other day "I don't want to be your second choice." Nevermind how many times I'd have rather been fucking my lover than him. It's not so pretty being on the other side of that coin.

We took a week of vacation and he spent two nights of it with her. I actually dropped him off at her house. There was a potential for me to actually SEE her but I tried very hard not to. I don't really want to see or know. I drove off as soon as I was sure he was going to get inside. When he came back... it was back to life as usual. Except we were still on vacation.

Vacation. So lovely.

Open

Husband's and my sex life has been confusing at best. While he was out of the country we agreed to let things be non-exclusive so our needs could be met. I took FULL advantage (even being called a slut in a NOT very nice way by a coworker whom I'd shared many details with). Husband was less devoted to the idea and merely made out with some chick. He would have taken it further had she not had misgivings. Whatever. Upon his return we agreed to keep our open relationship. Neither of us did anything outside the marriage at that time for quite a while. And then husband's libido dropped off. So I went looking. What followed is mostly chronicled here.

Lots of very good and very average sex with many men. Husband remained mostly celibate. He had a one night stand shortly after coming back into the country all those years ago. And that was that for him. Our very, very infrequent coupling was more than enough to satisfy him. My advances were regularly met with annoyance and therefore all sex stopped. Until he decided, after several years, he really wanted to have sex. Suddenly the roles were reversed and I found myself irritated and reluctant. Part of me (a very large, obvious part) found bitter pleasure in turning him down. I told him as much. For the most part he stopped his advances. More recently, though, we've been on the same page and suddenly sex has seemed like a lovely pass time.

However, during this, he's started looking for his own play thing. And actually succeeded. And that's where it gets weird.

I'm really glad he's not bugging me for sex. I'm really glad he's found someone else to pour that all into. I'm really angry that he's having sex with someone else after turning me down for so many years. I'm really curious about their "relationship." And I'm really, really not. All of a sudden the much more frequent sex we were having has completely stopped. I'm also very okay with that. Except the complete cessation has me a little concerned. And totally not.

I don't even know what to think anymore. His girlfriend is going on a long trip soon. Whatever they have going on will probably fizzle with time. Or not. Who knows? She's not really "wife" material for him so I don't feel particularly threatened. Just weird about the whole thing.

It's just odd. Very odd.

Org

Ah, how I love warcraft. Ahem.

Last night husband and I had a wonderful wonderful romp in the sack. It was great. Once again I gave myself a stellar orgasm. Husband lay under me, looking impressed and amazed. "That was fast. I'm jealous." he told me. He should be. It's funny that I cum faster than he does. It's exceptionally gratifying, too, to actually be in a place where I can guarantee I will be having an orgasm. There's no doubt and no question.

Now if I can just figure out how to have two.

So last night before going to bed, husband started getting a little frisky. I think he was offering to go down. Alas, it's barely been a day and a half since my period ended and well... things weren't feeling so fresh. I declined (as usual for me, really). So husband began massaging my pussy through my pants. It was really, really nice. He was perfectly rough and utterly irresistible. I lay back, moaning a little. Thinking just maybe I could get into this. "I wish I had magic hands like that guy in Needful Things," he said. I thought about it for a moment, "I have no idea what you're talking about." "You know, " he told me, "that scene you liked so much where he gets her off." I thought about it for a long moment before agreeing "ah, the sheriff. I remember now, sort of. I'd forgotten."

I was quiet a long moment as he continued his delightful assault before I added "maybe you do. Maybe I'm just not the right woman." He was quick to disagree, "I'm doing better with you than my last wife. At least you have orgasms." Then he continued "she used to really think chocolate was better than sex. Without the orgasms, I can see maybe that'd be true. Maybe. But she didn't even want to TRY."

I considered a moment and said, "I had some really good chocolate the other day. Like *really* good. Like maybe better than sex WITH an orgasm good." "I want some of that," he told me. I smiled evilly, "It was mint." He hates mint.

Then he got up and brushed his teeth and got ready for bed. I followed suit except managed to gag on my toothbrush, thus effectively ending my tooth brushing experience and making me more than reticent to put my mouth anywhere near my husband. And that was that for the night.

Now, I find myself thinking about hunting the book down again and reading it. I do remember being rather turned on by that scene. I don't remember much of the specifics, though.

Fucking Husband.

Last night, maybe 26 hours ago by the clock I got laid. Finally. Oh my god. Husband and I finally managed to get ourselves together and we had sex. It wasn't good sex. But it was nice sex. If only because it'd been so long. He fucked me for a while and I finally decided to get myself off. I think it took less than a minute. He was amazed. I told him I'd been practicing.

His own orgasm was more delayed. Funny how that works. It took what seemed like forever. He was embarrassed as he shyly asked if he could cum on me. "Where?" I asked, wondering about the logistics since we were laying side by side. "Where ever," he replied evasively. FUCK. We've been married ten years. He can't tell me he wants to cum on me somewhere in particular? "I need to know WHERE," I told him, "I really, really prefer it not be a surprise." He was quite a long moment before saying "Well, your tits would be fine. I mean, your face would be great but.... your tits would be fine." It's funny to me, his fear of suggesting cumming on my face. I wonder what it means for him? He ended up coming on my tits. Positioning was just too hard as things went for it to be a facial though it was my goal to give him that pleasure.

Afterward, we snuggled together for a long while. He kept touching me, rubbing, caressing... and it became not just annoying but actually grating. I had to leave. He's been trying to be sexy with his touches, but they just irritate me. I like hard touches, massaging... not tickling not caresses. Not like THAT. Since when doesn't he know that? Or did things change? Is it me?

He wanted to fuck again today. I passed. I think I'm going through PMS. It's not pretty.

I did finally masturbate tonight. I came hard. My insides are still swollen and tender from last night's long-awaited fucking. I'm definitely going to need more, soon. Just not tonight, honey....

Feeling

You know the best feeling in the world? New batteries in my rabbit. Awesome.

A New Lease

For whatever reason, things have been going swimmingly, lately. I live in my own room, now. My husband has the king beg to himself (well, himself and the dogs) and I have my little twin all to myself in the next room (with adjoining doors). I sleep better than ever, I'm happy to say.

The side note on this is that if we want to spend time together, we have to make time. Every evening we find time to snuggle either in his bed or out on the deck. And he actually makes the time. He invites me out to snuggle. We talk. It's really, really nice. The last few months have been some of the best of our marriage.

Unfortunately, while we occasionally make out we still haven't had sex in... years? I did just give him a blow job after we engaged in a pleasant bout of heavy petting. So maybe that counts.

I'm trying very hard not to care. Not to focus, too much. It's actually working pretty well. I'm mostly happy. Definitely happy with him....

Fool!

Ha ha, I'm a fool.

Anyway, as it turns out I put my comments on "moderate" and then forgot about them. For apparently about the last 5 months. Oops.

Yes, the mail finally came. Yes, the rabbit vibrator is everything I've heard. Although I'm still often frustrated by my inability to come at the flip of a switch. It takes longer than that. Dammit.

I've been idly perusing craigslist's casual encounters. Undoubtedly I won't use it. Some guy from Virginia sent me a yahoo IM. If he was ever on my YIM that meant fucking him was at least a possibility. However, I found myself gazing tiredly at the screen and quickly finding myself something else to do. He'll be in the area, he tells me. I don't care. I don't care about anything to do with him....

Husband has been acting more amorous toward me. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm being more flirtatious towards him, too. I want to be fucked. But we never seem to find the time. I must not want it bad enough. Thank god there's always porn....

TV

No doubt I'm a deep down slut. I never take advantage of my freedom to explore that anymore. However, I still find myself aching for that singular pleasure of a new man's fingers on my skin, the sensation of a new mouth and tongue, and discovering the pleasures of his hard cock. I love the electricity of a new lover.

The reason I bring this up is that I was watching one of those reality shows and there was much kissing involved. Which reality show? Well, I'll leave that to you to guess. The thing is a relative called to inform me that someone I know is on the show. "Know" is generous. I remember his name. And the thing is... I remember he wasn't all that to look at when I was growing up. I mean, he was okay. But oh my god he's gotten much hotter, now. And I got to watch him kissing some other girl and it got me thinking....

Which led to much masturbation. And a vague sense of shame that I'm so very easily led to masturbate about someone at 29 that I couldn't be bothered to masturbate about when I was 16.... you know... when I was all about masturbation and wanting to be fucked....

Update

I've stopped bothering to keep track of how long it's been since I haven't had sex. I miss my libido but I've pretty much just let it go for now. It matters not at all. Well. Not much. I still masturbate, but as a way of release and relaxation rather than for true enjoyment and pleasure.

The other day, Husband was kissing on me and I rolled over. I would have actually gone along with it it, had it not been 10:30 on a night when I should have gone to sleep by 9:30... and had been stressed and sick all day. Okay, okay, there are always excuses. But seriously. And then the next day I got my period. The weird thing is, I'm usually super horny the night before I start but not that night. And certainly not since!

I'm still having something of a crush on my gay coworker. On his good days. Except I swear I've slept with a guy with a body just like his and been completely weirded out by the thinness of his hips and ass.... and the hugeness of his cock. All of which appear to be true of this particular guy. So weird.

Other than that, though... it's all about video games and work. I bounce between the two with little time or thought left over between.

Written but unpublished till now.

I've found myself sighing whistfully about the sybian. I loaded up some videos of it in action and found myself getting incredibly wet.

It's been a long time since I've gotten really wet without even having to touch myself a little. And really, if I'm honest my wetness had nothing to do with the sybian and everything to do with female orgasm.

There's something so fucking hot about watching another woman cumming. Years ago, when I was first getting into the idea that I could fuck whomever I want, I engaged in a lot of phone sex with men far too far away. One of my more "adventurous" calls involved a guy from the midwest named Kevin. Kevin asked if he could call me and get another girl on the line. I don't remember much of what he said, anymore, though I know he talked quite a bit. No, what drove me to orgasm, finally, was hearing her.

He informed me that "she's VERY orgasmic" even as he encouraged her to her next orgasm. Me, well, I've never been all that orgasmic. However, after reaching my first orgasm around the time of her first, and listening to her building toward a second orgasm, I found myself in the midst of my own second, unlikely orgasm. I came hard, of quietly, shyly depriving them of the pleasure of hearing me cum as I listened intently to her moans.

Once she came a second time he gently disengaged me from the call, telling me he wanted some private time with her, or something like that and I lay on my bed afterward entirely sure I could have had a continued series of orgasms had he only been willing to let us both stay on the line.

After that call, I considered briefly and finally cold called another of my willing phone sex partners who graciously (and gratefully) accompanied me to a third very neccessary orgasm.

Oddly, I don't have particularly strong urges to have sex with another woman. However, I imagine should I ever "accidentally" find myself in the position to do so, it might be a very, very long night.

Adventures in Toyland

I've sent off for a new toy. Well, actually a pair of new toys. Well, really, two versions of the same thing.

I will soon be the possessor of my very own "rabbit" vibrator.

Unfortunately, when I say "soon" I'm pretty sure I don't even mean THIS WEEK. But, you know, eventually. Especially with new years day falling in the middle of all this. *sigh*

I'm hopeful the wait will be well worth the pay off. Preferably, repeated pay offs.

Christmas

I spent much of the Christmas holiday with family. At one point we spent some time with my husband's family. At which point my entirely way too fucking hot relative by marriage insisted on calling me, repeatedly, by my relation name to himself. "Hey, cuz," he would say, pointedly, even as I envisioned ripping his clothes off his body and making him my love slave.

He is not my cousin. He is not a relative of mine at all. There is no blood between us. Body fluids would be fine, but no familial blood.

So I spent several days fantasizing about his hard, naked body. This all just before my period, the horniest time in my month. I was finally unable to resist any longer and found myself masturbating furiously, envisioning his fingers and mouth and all the wonderful things I'd make him do with them. Far from home and sadly without any of my normal implements of pleasure I found myself with a hair brush handle buried in my pussy and my fingers stroking my clit in earnest. I came like I haven't in a long time and lay panting on the bed for several minutes after, knowing he was no more than about 20 feet from me the entire time.

No doubt he knows I want him. Not to keep, just to fuck a few times....

Besides my taboo fantasies, husband managed to fuck me for several minutes for the first time in... well... I don't know how long it's been. We could only manage the slowest, most tender sex, though, because the bed kept creaking and there were too many witnesses in the house. I was terribly disappointed. But it felt so god damned good to be filled again, to feel cock inside me for those few minutes....

Gay-ass porn

While all of my roomies were gone, I raided my gay roomie's porn cabinet for some amusement. He gave me permission to borrow, though I wasn't sure that he meant it. Still, he said it and I left only fingerprints so I don't feel too badly about it. In fact, given the stunning quality of the movie, I must say I feel pretty good about the whole thing.

As it turns out, men in gay porn are hot. My roomie and I have the same taste in men and his porn collection stunningly depicts this fact. It was really, really sexy. I was so pleased.

I'm going to be very sad when he moves out.

Charisma

Yesterday I spent a very large chunk of my day with a very charismatic gay man. Reasonably attractive, he has the confidence of a much better looking man... but none of the ego.

And it was irresistible.

I'm a horny girl, I'll give you that. Horny and unfucked for a very, very long time. So I'm particularly susceptible to seduction.

I got up early this morning and masturbated, having a very fast, very satisfying orgasm. That is how much the guy stirred me up. I couldn't NOT masturbate. I had to scratch that particular itch. I feel more normal now. More able to control my loins and my thoughts.

Anyway, the whole point to this... and the conversation I had with my sister is the following... how does one actually become that charismatic? There has to be a way to create that. My sister thinks some people are just born that way. I think that may be true to a point. But not completely true. I think there must be a lot more to it than just genetics or some kind of early socialization. There simply has to be a way to learn it, doesn't there?

There are a ton of books on the subject. But really, if they worked wouldn't so many more of us be charismatic?

Cock Watching

So the other day my coworker got something on his pants. Which required him to spend a while wiping at his crotch. And left me with a valid reason to stare at his crotch and giggle. Except I just kept thinking "it's just so... big...." Staring at his cock through his pants I imagined it looks just like that of "the ex." The same curve and broadness. So obvious. I'm so jealous he's wasting it on some guy. Some person who isn't ME....

Blog on, dude!

It's funny how taking a long while off from posting makes coming up with titles for posts much easier. Even if they don't always make sense.

Anyway. I looked in the mirror, after reading a recent comment, and realised I very much live in the past. Not ALL the time. But enough of it. Isn't that the human condition?

Just Long Enough

I swear Keith comes around just long enough to make me... well... long for him. And then he goes away again. Which is all internet contact. God knows why we've never traded phone numbers once he moved back to the states. My cell number might actually even be local for him since when I got it they gave me a strange Maryland phone number and he's in that general vicinity.

Then again, god, what would we talk about? The same old rehashing of what I already know... ie we still want one another but we're too far away and boy, oh, boy weren't those some great days together....

I swear I spend great portions of my life these days longing for what used to be. I miss the crushes I had on the cops, I miss all the casual sex I had. Even some of the bad stuff. At least it was something to write about... to think about... to do....

Among my favorite activities has always been to fuck someone I "shouldn't." I slept with an officer (or two) for just that reason. And of course a couple of other "taboo" boys before I left. Some of the thrill has worn off since my husband left the military... they're not quite as taboo as they were... but I still can't help but smile a little, thinking about it. I want more of THAT. Except, as it turns out, there's less of that kind of excitement in the real world. Fewer rules.

And let's just get this one clear... I'm SOOOO not fucking anyone from work. None of them are acceptable for that purpose. Which just leaves me sad.

I do have an option of a local computer geek. I adore computer geeks, a preference dating back to my formative teenage years. But I can't bring myself to be passionately interested in him the way I'd hoped. Then again, we haven't met. There could be some major sparks. Or we could create some....

But, yeah. I'm not really sure what to do with myself, still. Other than sit and pine for my beloved Keith who is so far away, and so very kinky-sexy.

Beating

Sometimes I think about hitting him. Hard. With his own belt, since I never wear one. I want to watch the clench of his mucles and the way his body arches away, or even toward the strap.

I give in to sin, because you have to make this life livable...

Three songs:

The Weekend-- Steve Wariner
When Will I Let Go-- Steve Wariner
Strange Love-- Depeche Mode

Share and share...

So I told my gay housemate that if he found a nice bisexual guy I'd be very willing to share him. He laughed. I was kind of serious. But then decided that might be annoying.

I'm pretty sure my gay housemate would be willing to sleep with my husband if husband were into it. Unfortunately, my husband refuses to admit any interest. I guess that's okay because he'd probably discover that he's totally gay and that'd be the end of my marriage. Which might not be so bad because....

I spent the vast majority of the drive home from the next state over listening to random songs from my ipod and considering which ones most make me think of Keith. Whom I've been very good about NOT posting about for a very, very long time, I think.

He and I haven't had a lot of contact of late. He's a busy, independant guy with plenty to do besides have me moon at him. Which is great. But it's hard to build any sort of relationship/friendship on something like that. That doesn't mean I don't miss him and think of fucking his brains out on a regular basis.

Frankly, I'm pretty sure I'm still kind of saving myself for him. I've tried sleeping around (a year ago, granted) and found it to be less than satisfying. My fantasies still pretty much revolve around him. It's sad, pathetic, and obsessive.

Meanwhile, one of the men that I work with (men in power, mind you) came walking in on his day off. He's a fairly attractive middle aged guy, smart, and rather funny. He was wearing a sweatshirt with a big red circle in the middle. I had a moment where I had to pause and take a second look. Except it wasn't what I thought it was. However, I found myself entertaining the thought and finding myself very turned on by the idea. I really liked the idea of him being into something vaguely kinky like that. Delicious. Except he's not. So... you know... nevermind. I'm over it. But there was a moment there.

And now for something completely different...

I hit 86. The sad thing is, I own several of the movies on here, but still haven't bothered to watch them. But really, despite what it says, I think a better indication of whether you have a life or not is if you take the time to #1 read this, and even more importantly... #2 do it yourself.


SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 89 movies, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 266 movies on this list. Copy this list. Then, put x's next to the movies you've seen, add them up, and share your number. Have fun!
(X) Rocky Horror Picture Show
() Grease
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
() Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
() Boondock Saints
(X) Fight Club
() Starsky and Hutch
(X) Neverending Story
(X) Blazing Saddles
(X) Universal Soldier
(X) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
() Along Came Polly
() Deep Impact
() KingPin
(X) Never Been Kissed
(X) Meet The Parents
(X) Meet the Fockers
() Eight Crazy Nights
() Joe Dirt
()KING KONG
(X) A Cinderella Story
() The Terminal
() The Lizzie McGuire Movie
() Passport to Paris
(X) Dumb & Dumber
() Dumber & Dumberer
() Final Destination
() Final Destination 2
() Final Destination 3
() Halloween
() The Ring
(X) The Ring 2
() Surviving X-MAS
(X) Flubber
(X) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
() Practical Magic
() Chicago
() Ghost Ship
() From Hell
() Hellboy
() Secret Window
() I Am Sam
() The Whole Nine Yards
() The Whole Ten Yards
(X) The Day After Tomorrow
(X) Child's Play
() Seed of Chucky
() Bride of Chucky
() Ten Things I Hate About You
() Just Married
() Gothika
(X) Nightmare on Elm Street
(X) Sixteen Candles
() Remember the Titans
() Coach Carter
() The Grudge
() The Grudge 2
() The Mask
() Son Of The Mask
() Bad Boys
() Bad Boys 2
() Joy Ride
() Lucky Number Seven
() Ocean's Eleven
() Ocean's Twelve
(X) Bourne Identity
(X) Bourne Supremecy
() Lone Star
() Bedazzled
(X) Predator I
() Predator II
() The Fog
() Ice Age
() Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
() Curious George
(X) Independence Day
(X) Cujo
() A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
() Christine
(X) ET
(X) Children of the Corn
() My Bosses Daughter
(X Maid in Manhattan
(X) War of the Worlds
() Rush Hour
() Rush Hour 2
() Best Bet
(X) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
() She's All That
() Calendar Girls
() Sideways
() Mars Attacks
() Event Horizon
(X) Ever After
(X) Wizard of Oz
(X) Forrest Gump
() Big Trouble in Little China
(X) The Terminator
(X) The Terminator 2
() The Terminator 3
(X) X-Men
(X) X2
(X) X-3
(X) Spider-Man
(X) Spider-Man 2
() Sky High
() Jeepers Creepers
() Jeepers Creepers 2
() Catch Me If You Can
(X) The Little Mermaid
(X) Freaky Friday
() Reign of Fire
() The Skulls
() Cruel Intentions
() Cruel Intentions 2
() The Hot Chick
(X) Shrek
() Shrek 2
() Swimfan
(X) Miracle on 34th street
() Old School
(X) The Notebook
(X) K-Pax
() Kippendorf's Tribe
(X) A Walk to Remember
() Ice Castles
() Boogeyman
(X) The 40-year-old-virgin
(X) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(X) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(X) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(X) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(X) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(X) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
() Baseketball
(X) Hostel
() Waiting for Guffman
() House of 1000 Corpses
() Devils Rejects
() Elf
(X) Highlander
() Mothman Prophecies
() American History X
() Three
() The Jacket
() Kung Fu Hustle
() Shaolin Soccer
() Night Watch
(X) Monsters Inc.
(X) Titanic
(X) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(X) Shaun Of the Dead
() Willard
() High Tension
() Club Dread
(X) Hulk
(X) Dawn Of the Dead
(X) Hook
(X) Chronicle Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
(X) 28 days later
() Orgazmo
() Phantasm
() Waterworld
(X) Kill Bill vol 1
() Kill Bill vol 2
(X) Mortal Kombat
() Wolf Creek
() Kingdom of Heaven
() the Hills Have Eyes
() I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
() The Last House on the Left
() Re-Animator
(X) Army of Darkness
(X) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(X) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(X) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(X) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(X) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
() Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
() Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
() Ewoks The Battle For Endor
(X) The Matrix
(X) The Matrix Reloaded
(X) The Matrix Revolutions
(X) Animatrix
(X) Evil Dead
(X) Evil Dead 2
() Team America: World Police
(X) Red Dragon
(X) Silence of the Lambs
(X) Hannibal
() Battle Royale
() Battle Royale 2
() Brazil
() Contact
() Cube
() Dr. Strangelove
() Enlightenment Guaranteed
(X) Four Rooms
(X) Memento
() Pi
() Requiem for a Dream
(X) Pulp Fiction
() Reservoir Dogs
() Run Lola Run
() Russian Ark
() Serenity
(X) Sin City
() Snatch
() Spider
(X) The Sixth Sense
(X) The Village
() Waking Life
() Zatoichi
() Ikiru
() The Seven Samurai
() Brick
() Akira

Over what?

I love spending time with my husband. We've spent a lot (a LOT) of time together of late. However, with him finding his new job (though it is temporary) he's been out of the house a lot more. I get three days off each week, and as things stand, I share only one with him. The other two seem oddly lonely.

On the other hand, I'm very thrilled to be able to spend as much time as I want masturbating myself to some delicious and much needed orgasms. It's been a good year since I've felt so free and it's fucking awesome. I mean, sure, I managed a few here and there but... seriously... it wasn't enough.

All this masturbation is, of course, putting me in the mood for some serious fucking. For whatever reason, my sister and I had a conversation about a headboard that used to belong to a gay friend, briefly to her, and then on to another fellow. All sexually active folks. "I wonder how many people have fucked over that footboard, now" she mused. Which led to further conversation of it being the perfect height to bend someone over (or be bent over, as the case may be) and fuck. Meanwhile, Pluff is muttering about bending someone over and giving them a good pounding.

I want some of that, too.

It's back... for now.

The other day I stuck a condom on husband's penis and climbed on for a few minutes until he said I was pressing on his bladder and he really had to pee. I let him go and that was the end of that, although once he came back he wanted to keep going. I was no longer terribly interested as I hadn't been all that interested in the first place and was entirely offended by his leaving. Afterall, it may be the first time in a year he's had his cock in me. Perhaps longer than a year. However, out of a sense of charity and adoring to please cock, I did help him get off anyway.

Since before then, my libido has been back rather strongly. Unfortuantely, the type and number of men I come into contact with has dropped dramatically. Familiarity is an important part of my sense of attraction and there just aren't enough men around to keep me interested.

Meanwhile, I do work with a guy around my age. I spend a lot of time close to him, in a lot of physical proximity and occasionally touching. At times, he touches me when he doesn't technically have to. I adore it and do nothing to discourage the behavior. When he first started working with me, I kept finding myself looking at his cock through his pants. It's rather... prominent. Hard to ignore, really. I still find my attention caught by it now and again, but less often. I've learned some self control. All of this is, of course, leading up to the fact that he's totally gay. So there's nothing there at all in reality. But I can't help but be a attracted to him at times. And to think about his cock a lot.

Which really just goes to show the lacking quality of men around me. Unattractive or gay. Those are my choices. It's no wonder my coworker (who is cute, by the way) is single. Options around here appear to be way too few or too far between. Regardless of what the local kinkster bloggers seem to think.

The adult website (you know the one) is pathetically devoid of worthwhile men. Craigslist always strikes me as very, very seedy. I can't explain but it just gives me the willies. On the other hand, there are probably the same men on both sites. So whatever.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Sex Around Me

I found myself oddly attracted to a place one of my fellow bloggers hang out. And then I thought about the (small but possible) chance of running into said blogger and (god forbid) recognizing this person. And then I thought perhaps it would be best if I perhaps made a choice NOT to visit that establishment until I can guarantee I'm mature enough not to act like a star struck loser. Props to said blogger for writing well enough for me to even have the chance of being star struck. No, I won't name names because I'm that kind of loser.

Meanwhile, my sex life remains barren. I could have had sex a couple of times today with husband. It's been almost a year, now. He's apparently ready for his yearly fucking. We talked about shaving and all that sort of thing. Thinking about what he can do to make me more likely to at least suck his cock. It's funny and sad.

We talked about age and sexuality and all of that and about the fact that we're different people than we were years and years ago. He thinks maybe he's bad in bed and I told him he's proven to be very good in bed, but he's annoyingly selfish about things when it comes to sex. Not always, mind you, but often. "It's called foreplay," I told him, "and if you want to have sex with women, you should probably accept it as part of your life." He went on to tell me about a woman who doesn't like foreplay (some else's wife, he said). "But you live in the real world where the vast majority of women demand it. And the chances of you having sex with a woman like that is slim."

I doubt he took any of it to heart.

Meanwhile, my sister informed me earlier that she was having a boy over for some sex. She likes her men younger and thin. Very much the opposite of me. I'm not terribly jealous of her man. Only that she has one coming over. Dammit. Someone ELSE in this house is getting laid and it isn't ME!

Sexless

I think it may have been a year since the last time I had sex. With anyone. While in some ways that seems like a very, very long time... in others it feels like time has barely passed. It's so weird.

Meanwhile, my masturbatory fun has not decreased. I finally couldn't deal with not even getting to masturbate since my husband is ALWAYS HOME and we're pretty much confined to one small room when we're here. So a few nights I waited until late when husband was asleep and found something amusing on the internet, bringing myself to orgasm not 2 feet away from him as he lay completely oblivious. The next night I did the same. The third night I informed him I was going to have an orgasm before I went to sleep and proceeded to masturbate in bed next to him. He rolled to face the opposite direction and pretend to sleep. When he thought I'd cum he turned over to look at me. I looked back at him and we stared at each other for a long moment before I said "I'm not done." "Oh, I thought you came," he said, turning back away. I finished up and turned off the light. Last night, I lay in bed while he was on the computer and quietly masturbated myself to yet another silent orgasm. I don't think he even noticed. Well, maybe but he never let on....

Age is just a number... two.

So I figure I need to explain myself a little better. I think the assumption is that I'm afraid no one will want me anymore when I turn 30. Or now. Or something. Look, I'm not thrilled by the idea of turning 30 but I have another 11 months to cope. By the end of that time, I will hopefully find the whole thing very empowering... yada yada yada.

The thing with the age, though, is more about me when I was younger. About my views on sex and sexuality and age. As I get older I realize there are differences in maturity levels and it becomes clear that what I thought was acceptable at 19 isn't the same thing that I find acceptable at 29. While my own age preferences have gone up the IDEA of an "age preference" has become less important. At eighteen, twenty-nine seemed very mature, very sinister. Now, though, I realize that it's not SO much different. Different, yes, different enough that I don't want anything to do with eighteen year olds. That level of maturity is just... annoying. But to exclude someone because they're older than me... by some set amount... doesn't really make a lot of sense, anymore.

Turns out, maybe being "older" isn't that big of a deal.

Which isn't to say I don't still require a certain level of attractiveness. I'm a young American, after all. And there are social rules that have been drilled into me.

So now I can look at people who say they want someone no more than age 32 and shake my head in wonder at their naivety. I don't want that person. They clearly have more growing to do and if they aren't interested in me two years from now, I'm not so interested in them right now. But more importantly, who the hell says they're interested in older women, but not over 32. Who the fuck told them 33 was old and that anyone anywhere near that age (or under) would want to be described as "older"?!?

Age is just a....

So I was looking through some personal ads. Looking for hot, meaningless sex. Meaninglessly. I'm not sure I mean it.

Turns out, there are a lot of guys looking for sex. Who knew? But what surprises me the most is that I'm suddenly noticing the age limits imposed by those horny boys. "I like older women. Please don't be over 30." As I near that milestone age I'm suddenly struck by the oddity that were I mere 11 months older I'd be of no interest. 11 months. I don't think I look or feel all that different from how I looked 5 years ago. What's 11 months?

Which got me to thinking about where I draw my own lines. If 11 months are nothing... what's a few years? What's any of it in the grand scheme of things?

Not that I want an 18 year old. When I was 18 I didn't want an 18 year old... as it turns out, that hasn't changed. Well, there are exceptions. But they're few and far between.

But, yeah, so as I get older, I recognize the frustration so many men have related to me about age. It's really galling to be excluded from someone's interest merely because of a number which doesn't serve to represent me at all.

It would appear...

that I mostly just annoy Martin at this point. And I actually totally get that. He's a pretty proactive kind of guy and it's obvious he finds my situation frustrating. Namely, he thinks I'm a total fool to still be with Husband, knowing husband doesn't fuck me. The thing is, much as I often get frustrated by the lack of sex, I'm also totally okay with it. Afterall, I never have to have sex when I don't want to. The down side being I never get to have sex when I do. However, I CAN look elsewhere for that. And it's really fucking hot to be free to fuck whomever I want without worrying too much about all the relationship drama.

Look, I admit my situation isn't ideal. But, I'm pretty sure even just 10 years from now I won't look back and think "gah, I wasted my life." Which isn't to say I won't ever think that... but I'm pretty confident I won't.

I've started looking on adultfriendfinder again hoping to stumble across someone I want. However, I've spent enough time on the site to know that doesn't happen very often to me. I'm very picky. Very, very picky.

Anyway. Off to work.

Drunk typing

I have this terrible, terrible problem that the name I deleted off this blog is still related to it, thanks to Google. Gah. I will not be terribly surprised if Martin happens across this and goes "hmmm...." I don't think it'd take much to put two and two together. Hopefully he's either got the sense to realise this isn't really "reality" in the long term sense... (think the following quote I stole off someone: it's just a stupid diary of a stupid girl) so much as my immediate thoughts and feelings about things. Obviously people change, as do their views on things. So anyway, I'm just saying what was true of before and what I thought before is not always what I think and know now. Am I making sense? Or maybe he has the sense to leave me my "privacy."

I definitely like Keith reading. Or did. I loved him knowing things about me that others in my real life couldn't and didn't. On the other hand, it's limited me about what I write about. My ongoing desire for Keith is kind of embarrassing to me and I hate the idea of him knowing the reality of how much I still want him.... except I totally do.

Yeah, I'm a little too drunk to be blogging. I might not much much sense. I have to work tomorrow, early, too. Poor planning.

But god damn I'm horny....

Contact

A while ago Keith informed me he'd be in my city and to please get back to him. And then... nothing. I waited to hear from him again but there was no further communication. He barely tried to get in touch with me. It was all very weird. I finally got to "talk" to him again today and as it turns out he's decided not to come visit my city. In fact, he would have come just to see me. At least, that's my take.

Wow.

If a guy's willing to fly across the country just to see me, you must know that was some pretty fucking spectacular sex.

But he chickened out. Which is good since I did, too.

He keeps telling me I'm right, he and I could never work out as a couple. And I keep thinking "but..." because part of me wants nothing more than to be with him.

As it turns out, though, I'm terribly married.

But that so doesn't mean he's not the star of each and every one of my fantasies....

Quick N' More

So, to quickly update, Husband managed to make up for his birthday faux pas and we're golden. While he's never been very birthday attentive, this was an inexplicably bad choice on his part. Way to make me feel like he thinks I don't matter at all. However, like I said, he did make up for it very nicely and all is forgiven. So long as it doesn't happen again.

Meanwhile, we spent some time with some of Husband's extended family. At one point the two of us were alone with an older male relative of his. And he insisted on telling us a story about learning to use the internet. I saw where the story was going very early in the conversation and had to walk away in horror for a few moments so I could pull myself together. But I simply HAD to hear the story just so I had something to write about! The story went on to be about one of the other older male relatives teaching him how to find porn in the internet and his own abortive attempt to find porn without his wife finding out.

Oh my god. I know my own generation didn't invent sex, but there are some things that are best left in the closet! On the other hand, it both amuses and gives me hope that as I grow older I'll still enjoy sex and sexuality as much as I have for years.

Is that a joke?

The other day was my birthday.

A woman came into work and offered me a kiss. I declined, embarrassed and forgot about the whole thing. A while later one of my male coworkers came up to me and said "I hear you got offered a kiss." "How the hell did you hear about that??!" I asked. He never responded, but I'm pretty sure I know who it was via process of elimination. Later in the day with a bunch of my other coworkers running around he said "Happy birthday, would you like a kiss?" I think I managed to look really embarrassed and when I tried to respond found my voice gone. I left the area quickly.

The problem is that I work with only a few males. And none of them is particularly hot. He, however, is easily the hottest of them. In fact, some women might even say he IS hot. But I try really hard not to think of him that way. So when he asked if I wanted a kiss, part of me wanted to say "yes!" The other day I caught myself fantasizing about him. I quickly stopped and now he's flirting with me? I soooo don't need a crush on this man.

However, as a testament to how really horny I am, I found myself gazing longingly at the guy behind the counter at whole foods. It's not that he was so hot but that mattered not at all. He kind of reminded me of someone in a very vague way. And I wanted to nail him.

Meanwhile, to put things in their worst possible light... I picked out my birthday present months ago. I told husband I would be buying it and that it might as well be my birthday present. We were at a book store several days before my birthday and I suggested he go and pick me out a card before we left. He declined, saying he'd do it later. Here comes my birthday and I wake husband up early for a reason unrelated to anything else and then 20 minutes later finally remind him to say happy birthday to me. That evening, husband and I go and get my present, picking it up and paying for it myself. I call my sister and make plans for the three of us to go out to dinner. When the bill comes, I pay. We went to whole foods and picked out some sweets to eat as my "birthday cake." We reach the counter and I pay. I drive us all home, dropping off my sister. Once inside the house, we eat our sweets, watch some tv and go to bed. Husband kisses me perfunctorily as usual and that's that. At which point I pretty much repeated what I've typed here back to him. I didn't even get a mother fucking card from him. Not a post it. Nothing.

This reminds me very much of the divorce chronicles I've read from others. "Celebrations" of holidays still occur but they become very impersonal. Suddenly the cards and presents are thoughtless or nonexistent. I totally understand that I paid for everything using our joint account so it matters not at all that I pulled out my card, but it's really the thought. Or in this case, the thoughtlessness. I mean, really, should I take this as anything OTHER than a message?

Hello Libido

I'm so god damned tired it verges on the ridiculous. I was at work 12 hours today. With a 1/2 hour lunch. And that, my friend, is ALL. And yet somehow I managed to be chipper at the end of the day with nary a frown in sight. The fact that the last 20 minutes or so of my day was spent throwing a ball up and down the hall for a super cute lab might have had something to do with my happiness. However, I'm really, really fucking tired. So tired.

The last few nights I've been masturbating myself just before bed. It's an old habit I got into years ago which seemed to be come a necessity when it came to falling asleep at night. In fact, I've actually been masturbating a few times a day of late and glorying in the many and varied orgasms I've had. By hand or with vibe, with lots of build up or a quickie. There have been many orgasms to be had. But I find myself reminded how very gratifying it is to have a wonderful sex partner with an understanding that sex is about so much more than just intercourse. Sure wish I had one of those guys around, these days. They're few and far between but soooo wonderful once found....

Just thinking about it is making me need to go get myself off once more before bed....

Ache

It's that time of the month again. (Well, given the way my body works... that time of the year, but I digress). This is the first time I've started using the Diva Cup. First off, I love it, very very much. But I've yet to actually take it into public. At least at home, it's been great.

So, I was chatting up husband when I was stopped short by the TV. The guy said something about "so you're okay with other men groveling all over your wife." I turned off the TV and asked husband to please demonstrate this to me. Which he did. He moved on top of me and began wiggling begging and groveling and I lay there silently until I finally had to laugh. And then suddenly said "god, I want cock." As it turns out the Diva Cup is much larger in girth than your average feminine hygiene product and which I generally can't feel it... there is a certain strange feeling of "almost fullness" generated by the way I was laying with my husband between my legs.

God, damn I wanted to fuck. But of course, I don't get to.

I did, however, spend a good long time this morning masturbating. I told husband what I was going to do and took care of myself in the bedroom while reading some vaguely erotic stories. In fact, I had some troubles printing them up and was getting really angry that all I ever wanted to do was masturbate to some erotica and couldn't.....

Hours later, husband came in and told me he was going to masturbate. Normally, we don't generally warn one another of our intentions so much as we just try to do it when the other is in bed. For the following reason. I waited a few minutes and wandered out to bug the crap out of him. Three times. The third time I checked out what he was masturbating to (he was quick to close the pictures but I could see the boring, boring descriptions) at which point I found myself realizing what a closet pervert I really am. "Where's the violence? Where's the submission? Skull fucking? SOMETHING?" I asked. It was kind of funny, really. I jerked him off a little and went back to the bedroom and fell asleep.

I could have been more help. But he never asked. He hinted, but I was too tired to pay attention. Too hungry for fucking to tolerate getting him off and leaving me with a limp cock in my hand.

And yet I'm happy today.

I got a message from Keith about 14 days ago, that I didn't get until last week saying he was coming to my city for a few days. I replied and have anxiously checked my emails, myspace, and this page for any hint of response from him but radio silence is complete. I'm both disappointed and a little relieved....

Credit where credit is due.

I've been exceptionally sick the last few days. Almost a whole week, actually. I missed two whole days of work which made me cringe since I work such long days and don't get sick leave. But I was seriously too ill to be there. It was bad. I'm finally just starting to recover from the 3 day 10# weight loss and subsequent weakness, dizziness, and general inability to do much. I suddenly understand a lot better the difficulty pro fighters go through when trying to "make weight." Except they lose all that weight and more within hours not days. Frightening.

As I finally started recovering, I found myself staying awake more. Given as much as I'd slept previously my schedule was seriously fucked up. Still is, actually. I think I got up about three times after 1am one morning and one of those times interrupted husband's masturbating. I wasn't about to help at all. My stomach was still tender and I was easily winded. I pretended not to notice as he pretended not to have been masturbating and I got my glass of water and went back to bed. Eventually, he came to bed and I decided to get up and masturbate for myself, it'd been at least a week.

A quick, but very delightful, orgasm later I sat in front of the computer feeling my body's wondering internal twinges of delight. Sated but not yet really tired I checked the blogs as I always do. Then I suddenly felt nostalgic for back when I was having regular, casual sex. I flipped back to the early days and read about some sex I had with Husband. And was suddenly sad. Husband's and my sex life has never been great. I hardly remember it even being a weekly event when we first married. However, there have been some times when we've had some really great sex. I hate to admit it to myself because it just makes me sad about what I'm missing, but Husband can be an amazing lover. There has been at least one time when he's absolutely blown me away with his ability to manipulate me and make me honestly beg for more, giving it in a way I'd never have expected from him.

I often don't give him enough credit. I have to admit it's particularly unforgivable when it's within the context of my blog that I can't even point to him and say he has proven himself quite capable of being my best lover of all. Because it's true. Not long after sleeping with Keith, husband took me into his arms one night and made me beg for his touch, arching and sighing and pulling him close because he made me feel thing I've never felt before with anyone. It was as if he read my mind and knew exactly what I needed. While Keith is the master of most things and with time and practice could learn to take me from intense desire to intense obsession, even with him it hadn't been like THAT.

Gah, I find myself sorely tempted to go wake up husband in a very, very delightful way....

Edited to add:

Scratch that. The man is terribly inhospitible to waking up and rolling the hell onto his back this morning. No surprises for him. Really, it's no wonder no one in this house gets laid.

Exercise.

He told me once the reason he spends so much time in the gym is because he's sexually frustrated. He works it off, there. Goes home too tired to worry about the attention he's not getting, the attention he's not giving and he's okay.

Me? Not so much. I've tried that. Stretching, bending, lifting, moving until my body feels like jelly. And as I leave the gym, feeling the warm fatigue in my muscles. I make my way home and strip, stepping into the shower, letting the water wash away the excess heat leaving me clean and fresh. The little fingers of water dripping, sliding down my flesh like a lover. And I want to fuck more than ever. The next day as my muscles cry in pain, I become hyper aware of my body. Proud of the way the muscles ache, the way my body moves and I want to share the new strength, the new stamina with someone else.

Yeah, going to the gym to work off sexual tension just doesn't work that way for me.

Masturbation

So at some point I'm going to have to change my blog's name to "masturbation blog" or something since I'm just not getting anything else anywhere at all. Gah.

There is a terribly cute guy who comes into my work roughly once a week. He's provides my company a service. A particularly... shall we say... grim service. However, he doesn't wear a uniform and generally has a cell phone glued to his ear. So when he walks in I'm immediately struck by how hot this smiling man is. It's only when he talks to me that I recognize him for being who he is, instead of just a spectacular looking man. As soon as he leaves the building I find myself giggling and telling all the girls how hot he is. They all agree.

I find it really sad that I literally see an average of one guy a week to get all giggly about. And it's always the same guy! Percentages around here just aren't as good as they were on the military base.

Yesterday morning, on a whim while husband was in the shower I decided to masturbate. I wasn't really into it and he'd already been in the shower for about half the time he usually spends, leaving me about two or three minutes to get off. I touched myself for a little while and was at the point where I needed to cum but wasn't even close. And time was running out. I grabbed my dildo and used it. I've almost exclusively been using nothing (a contributing factor to my less than stellar orgasms) or my smart balls (which just aren't as good as a fake or real cock). If I didn't set a record with the speed and intensity of that orgasm, I'd be surprised. As I enjoyed the final spasms of my orgasm, husband turned off the water. I waited a moment before putting away the dildo and quietly going about my day.

But I was left annoyed that I have yet to reach the level of comfort to cum so quickly with a man.

I ache for you.

I miss the feel of your lips, your tongue. I ache for the feel of your hands on my breasts, my hips, my thighs. I crave the way your cock filled me leaving me gasping, filling my need making me want more, unable to hold more. I lust after the passion I felt with you. The way our bodies moved together, perfect rhythm.

I ache for you.

Famine

I hate quickies. I hate rushed orgasms.

Typical woman, right?

For the last month or two Husband has been at home at all the same times I have been at home. And while his masturbation has been something I've long been willing to share with him, mine I tend to keep more private. When I'm alone it's generally just easier for me to get off. I can watch whatever gets me off on the computer... or read a story and not feel like I'm short changing my lover. It's all about complete and utter selfishness on my part, sometimes.

So I'm finding it really frustrating that I have time to masturbate furtively and quickly, but don't have time to really spend on myself, getting myself hot, wet, and excited. I don't get to use my toys and cum with any noise. It's reduced my masturbation to being very occasional and very, very functional. Just enough to get my by until the next time.

And I hate it.

Lucky

One of the things that makes me feel very lucky is the fact that several of my former lovers have chosen to remain a part of my life, at least in a small sense, even after the sexual play has stopped. While there are a few I'd love to get naked with, I'm thrilled that I'm apparently the sort of person who can keep ex lovers as friends and acquantences without the awkwardness that seems so common after sex.

I just wish I were so lucky as to have one of the ones I really want to be fucking come live near me. Or you know, any of them, really....

Flirt

One of the things I've most enjoyed in my dealings with various men is flirting. At my current job I don't get to flirt much. I tend to do better with men I see on a regular basis and kind of get to know. I don't get much of that where I work. Lots of lesbians... but that's just not my style.

So, I miss it terribly. I read about Pluff Mud and his flirtation with Taylor (see the last half of the post) and I find myself supremely jealous. I can feel all the excitement and longing vicariously... but it's just not the same as being there. I absolutely adore the pleasure of having a crush and pushing things just a little bit further.... the uncertainty excites me.

(I asked husband to spell "uncertainty" because I was having a moment. He spelled it for me at which point he added "It's important to spell things right when you smack talk me." I think he thinks I ALWAYS write bad things about him or something. I really try not to. Of course I DO write bad things... but god damn. I try to make this blog mostly about ME, thank you very much. Because I'm just that god damned cool).

So, yeah. I'm jealous. So fucking jealous. I miss getting to flirt with Sam and even good ol' Nils. And all those other fine pieces of ass I used to gaze at longingly....

Hearing from Martin

I heard from Martin for the second (third?) time this week. He's apparently in a town much closer to me than usual. He's been telling me how horny he is. I've been telling him how very much I understand his problems. There's something about being in a hotel room in a strange town that gets me hot and wet and wanting. And generally leaves me frustrated night after night. That's what Martin's dealing with.

Conversation inevitable turned toward sex. The things we did. The things we didn't do. Things ending. All that. I guess I never did ask some of the questions I wanted to, things that confused me way back when, things I wonder about now.... But we chatted and I learned a little more than I knew even a year ago. I feel better for it.

We talked about seeing each other again. I turned him down last time, utterly disgusted with him for being so willing to cheat on the love of his life. This time, though, I give. I understand, though he didn't say it. If he ever visits this area... well... we'll undoubtedly see one another naked again.

I went back and read a bunch of what I'd written about him. About the various years of wanting him. Of the sex we had. The way I felt. And a few things came to mind... I write kindly about my lovers here. The way I tend to remember the nights, focusing on the good. I found myself caught up in the last night we were together. After I'd been with Keith.

And you know, I'm grateful to Keith. I'm grateful that he taught me something new about sex, and fucking, and letting go a little more. Keith has made me a better lover and Martin benefited from it. In fact, its the pleasurable lesson of expressing oneself and enjoying another's pleasure that Keith taught me and that Martin remembers most vividly, as it turns out.

And now, the Nyquil has me in its grip.....

The time has come...

for many people to close down their blogs. And for me to delete them from my blog roll. I hate doing it, but once they're gone there isn't much point in going back again and again hoping. It seems like no one who stops writing really gets back into the writing thing when they say they will.

Obviously, my own sex blog has taken a drastic swing toward the mundane and boring. Outlived it's usefulness, I suppose. For those in the know, this is the kind of post that generally frees the writer from further updates. This is the sort of post that sits on the top of a blogger's blog for a month or so until the blogger comes back and says "the end" or just deletes it.

This is not, however my intention. Actually, my intention is to point out that I need some more interesting reads. It feels like so many bloggers are slowing down or going away and it makes me sad. So if anyone has some absolute favorites I haven't seen, please feel free to point me in their direction....

Better?

B said...
Always fun being out of work. I'm hoping he finds a job to
focus all of his energies on soon.Sounds like Keith interests you but you'd like
something better. Would you consider someone else?Best of luck....

I hope he finds a job soon, too. I'm not holding my breath quite yet.

I'm not really sure there's someone out there better than Keith. I mean, in some ways my husband is better, in some ways Keith is. I'm not sure there's really, honestly someone out there who's a realistic mix of the two. Keith is, without a doubt, my sexual god. When I think about him, I think about how completely sexual, open, honest, and free I feel with him. While I've had lots of sex in my life with a variety of people he's surely the only one I felt really, truly free to ask and demand things of without worry of judgement or shame. I've honestly, never in my life had better sex and I don't really think it does get better than that. Being with him, I think, has made me capable of being a much better lover, made me want to be as giving, willing, and open to new experience as he is.

On the other hand, he lives very, very far away. I've only spent two nights with the man. We've never shared real "quality" time other than those nights. I can't vouch for the realism of the fantasies I've laid on him outside of bed.

It's definitly irrational. It's not particularly smart.

But DOES it get better? I'm not sure.

Would I consider someone else? Sure. I have. No one, so far, has been able to impress me though.

Ow. I blame him.

So I'm one of those people who's never really been terribly regular when it comes to my period. It's not uncommon for several months to pass without me bleeding at all. This suits me just fine. I don't generally suffer much more for having missed several months in a row, so really I only benefit from it.

However, when I get regular sex I tend to become regular again. It's god's way of laughing at me. When I'm getting laid, I end up with several days out of the month when I'm horny but generally too sensitive to actually have sex.

Here I have been delighfully blood-free for months. And I swear to god as soon as I've start having regular INTERNET contact with Keith... I bleed. While I admit there might be some kind of coincidence... I'm not convinced the two aren't related.

The dogs woke me up early so....

I'm tired, I feel vaguely sick (because I'm tired?) but overall, I'm doing great. For the most part. Who knows. I'm too tired to remember.

I've started hearing from Keith again. I wouldn't call it regularly, but it's close enough for government work. I mean, I rather had a hint that he was back what with his earlier comment on my blog... but I dared not hope. He never does call himself Keith but I've spent so much time referring to him as such that I actually had to pause the other day and try to remember his REAL name. Which is rather funny seeing as I've whispered it quietly to myself, repeatedly, when masturbating. You'd think it'd be hard to forget.

Which brings me back to my rather strange obsession with the man. I find it vaguely annoying, really. It's irrational and stupid. But in a way, that's part of what I like, I suppose.

I got to see him on webcam for the first time in a year or more and it suddenly reminded me of how much my life has changed in the last 6 months. Keith's changed a bit from what I remember him looking like. He's still very much the same person, but far more clean cut than he was before (which isn't to say he looked the hippie, let me tell you). Regardless I found myself vaguely transfixed, having forgotten how different military men look from their civilian counterparts.

This, of course, reminds me of how god damned lucky I was to live on a military base and work with military men for the sole reason that there were so god damned many of them. I fucking LOVED the odds. Being a woman I have a pretty good chance of prettily easily finding someone who wants to fuck me. The odds were considerably better 6 months ago that the guy in question would also happen to be someone I wanted to fuck. Which isn't to say I couldn't do that now, if I was willing to put forth the time and effort. However, I'm still not terribly inclined.

Life is going much better for me, mentally than it was. Husband, on the other hand, is still dealing with unemployment and the fact that we're in a new part of the country without him having a lot of friends or chances to meet new ones. Not being terribly social in the first place, he's at a disadvantage and certainly feels isolated. Me running off to fuck others wouldn't really help with the problem so I'm using that as an excuse to not do so. Not to mention I haven't felt like it for months... that's changing a little right now... but it's still at a manageable level.

On the other hand, with Keith back and talking to me again I find my desires once again focused on him (it's sort of like my hormones finding magnetic north). It's ridiculous, really. But it keeps me out of trouble. Mostly.....

Whew

I just got the scare of my life. Well, maybe not my whole life. I live in the scary part of town... and a place that has bad drainage. The backyard is made of rocks. Walking on those rocks is very loud. I've always thought of it as a sort of low tech security system. I have the backdoor open because the laundry is making it very hot in here. I hear foot steps along the back. The dogs freak the hell out and lunge at the screen door. And just for a moment I thought it was the person walking back there coming at the door. Terrifying. Sometimes I regret my decision to insist on living on the ground floor.

Anyway. On to business. Mr. W! says:

I bet Keith didn't go through your hometown. Even though you two haven't talked
I am sure he would have stayed there at least one day. Unless it was your "day".
But that didn't stop him before.What if he sent you a ticket? Would you go and
take advantage of him???

And in answer I'd have to say there was a time when I would have without question. Now, though, things are a little different and I'm in a situation where it would be more than inconvenient. Were it not for the fact that I love my job and currently am very much in need of the money... I would. However, real life comes into play and prevents me from taking such a lovely, sexy vacation. It WOULD be an excellent chance to sneak away from his naked body now and again and see some people I'm already missing terribly, though. *sigh*

Passionate Man says:

Hubby won't find anyone. 90% of the w4m posts on craigslist aren't serious
(spam, joking but not interested, or too hesitant to actually get involved), and
the rest either don't want a married man or won't want him.You're safe. He's
just playing to make himself feel attractive. He probably knows nothing will
come of it, too.

And you know, you're right. He's really just looking. However, my own sister has been a frequent and serious poster on the site looking for some fast nookie. So he knows there real live women on the site. As for other women wanting him... well... who knows. He's not super hot or anything, but he is funny and that counts for something. On the other hand, to my knowledge he's stopped looking. Or certainly isn't looking seriously. I do believe you're right, though, that the vast majority of the women on the site wouldn't bite. It really makes me feel very, very sorry for men....

In a rush

Life is still busy. I'm still tired all the time. But for the most part it's in a good way. And I think habit and a bit more exercise should cure me of the constant tiredness. Mentally, at least I feel pretty fucking awesome. I like my job and I really do get plenty of time off... I'm just still busy on those days, right now.

The sex life is still pretty dead. I was thinking last night that I'm increasingly willing to fuck husband (although he's, once again, stopped asking me) but I'm so totally turned off to approaching him and being denied anymore. I mean, seriously, for a while there I got to the point where I was asking him for sex even when I really didn't want it just to see if he'd say yes. He never did. And then my libido died. And he asked me. And I wasn't just not interested... I absolutely abhorred the idea. However, I still went down and basically helped him reach orgasm without having to fake any particular sexual pleasure on my part.

So now I'm horny again. And husband's stopped asking. And I don't want to ask. And it's really a bit of a problem. I fear we've forgotten how to relate to one another in that way. I'm pretty sure other couples manage to find some way to make their libidos work together. Why can't WE? *sigh*

The night before last I had a sex dream about husband. I can't remember the last one I had like that. I woke up incredibly horny and imagining being fucked. Of course, in my mind it was Keith doing the fucking... my mind drifting joyously back to those two exciting nights far too long ago. He remains the gold standard of sex for me. Eventually I did get out of bed (no orgasm) but last night I was aching.

I went and found my fun balls (since I'm not particularly happy with my current dildo/vibe collection) and fought to slide them inside me. Am I so tight? Are they so big? It was kind of ridiculous and there was much pinching of skin between nails, poking, prodding, and use of lube before I finally made them both disappear in side me. I then spent the next 30 or 35 minutes idly looking at porn and masturbating. Finally, I let myself cum. It was a really pleasant, relaxing orgasm which made the entire annoying situation much more palatable. Afterward, I pulled the balls out of my pussy and they were covered in girl juice. It was really weird to see them that way. It really looked suspiciously like some guy had cum on the balls. It was really, really weird. And really, kind of sexy. I was extremely wet, obviously.

Today will be another very busy day. Probably not much time for orgasm, alas.

I know I've failed to respond to notes, lately. I'll try to make it up tonight... but if I fail, forgive me. Every letter I've typed today has made me later and later for my commitments....

I don't sleep enough

Well, as it turns out my work has me very, very tired. I work several very long days and get three (and a half) days off. It makes for a very, very tired girl since I can't seem to actually fall asleep. I think I'm still too excited about this job.

So, looking back, our anniversary went well. No sex. But we had fun.

God, I'm tired.

Life is...

Yesterday (or was it the day before?) Husband and I were hanging out. I watched a few minutes of Dr. Phil when he had some woman on who said she'd rather eat chocolate than have sex. Husband opened his mouth to comment but before he could get a word out I said "she must be having sex with you." HA! I laughed my ass off and he got really mad. I told him I was only kidding and that he had to admit I was way fucking funny... which he never really did... but he finally told me what he was going to say, which was "she's obviously never had an orgasm." Then he added "it's really better that I didn't say that before you made your comment."

Later on in the evening I offered him some chocolate pudding I made, telling him "you can either have the pudding or you can have sex with me." He surprised me by telling me he'd have sex with me. Although the offer for either the pudding or the sex was not for "right now." Needless to say when I did finally retire to the bedroom for a while I offered him sex and he told me "I'm too tired." When I got back up for late dessert he joined me in having some pudding. Needless to say there was no sex.

I swear I don't bring these things on myself. Other than the fact that I very obviously do. You'd think my mother would have taught me better.

Meanwhile, it's starting to feel like much of my life is coming together. I'm very excited to start my job on Wednesday and I've managed to set it up so I start my volunteer work on Tuesday... a sort of a work-preparation thing. I can get rid of some of my jitters.

Lastly, being the infomercial-whore I am, I avidly watched several repeats of the Magic Bullet infomercial and was utterly sold. I happened to see a set at a local store and snapped it up as a celebration of my new job. I'm currently drinking a strawberry-pineapple-orange-edemame smoothie. I threw the edemame in as an experiment and find I kind of like it... what with the texture and all. I'm thinking about going for one of those "mostly vegetable" smoothies eventually. I might just end up somewhat healthy. Weird.

Things are just looking so much brighter in the future. While I still reasonably expect set backs eventually, the near future is beautiful....