Bad Dream

I had a dream this afternoon as I slept. Maybe more than one. Among them involved some guy solving this weird physical puzzle to gain some secret knowledge. I was going to have to do the same thing in order to save the world. It involved going up some stairs on this spinning platform and fighting a number of enemies in a particular order. It was very video game-y. Very odd.

I somehow followed this up by dreaming about the man that molested me. In the dream I was the adult I am now. My husband was not there but a friend of mine and her husband were both there. Along with a couple of other people. Everyone knew who he was and what had happened but we were all there for some kind of closure or something.

In the dream he was walking around the house naked (which he often did in real life) and handed me his "birthday card" and asked me (and everyone to sign it). The card turned out to be a book. Which started out very normally but went on to describe various sexual positions. That he wanted me to sign this very sexual book disturbed me greatly and made me think he was very much the same person I knew 20-odd years ago.

I argued with myself over and over what to write and wrote "hello" in it, at first. Except when I looked back at the book I swore I'd accidentally written my husband's name. I fixed it so it would LESS like my husband's name but then couldn't think of anything else to write. As I flipped through the book I considered writing things like "oh, do you remember how when you did this to me it ruined my life?" and other various things in the sections of the book which contained descriptions and photos of sex acts. However, it concerned me that he'd think "yes" and jack off to it.

My friend's husband started arguing with the man and getting all up in his face. However, the man was physically stronger, bigger... and was pushing my friend's husband around bodily, all the while still naked. And it occurred to me that maybe the man was bisexual. Something I'm not sure I believe in real life, but that's neither here nor there.

I think my brain was pressing as deeply into this dream as I could really handle. Perhaps more. I eventually woke up and as I lay there I thought "I should have gotten a black marker and crossed out anything to do with sex in that book. Censored bars everywhere...." But mostly I just felt sick to my stomach and sad.

I still feel that way a little bit.