Right?

They say honesty is the best policy. But I'm not sure that's true. It seems to me that honesty isn't always the right thing to do.

I bring this up because Keith and I have been trying to get some chat time in this weekend and have been failing miserably. We've literally been missing each other by about 15 minutes on a regular basis. Were it not that we've both been staying up as late as our little brains can handle in order to see one another... well... we'd just stay online and wait, maybe. But the whole time difference is killing us.

Anyway. He wants to talk to me about something serious. He tells me that me telling him I love him is like me saying I love air. There's no difference. I'm not sure if that's exactly what he feels like he needs to tell me or if that's just him feeling mad/sorry.

Whatever the case may be I wandered upstairs after having read his note and took a shower. And thought about it. And standing there under the water I could feel the tears starting to prick my eyes. I held my face under the water and fought for control until I was sure I was going to be okay and not cry.

And then I started thinking. I know Keith needs to pull away from me. I know he needs to let go because I can be nothing more than a loving crutch to him. I adore him, I do. I think he's wonderful and amazing... but I also know that I can't keep him, right now. Much as I want him and want to try having a real live realtionship with him... I can't. I'm married and at this rate... staying that way, which is not what he wants.

So the question comes down to whether I should take whatever he has to say and respond to it honestly... with whatever emotions come up for me or do I stuff all those down for his sake and pretend that... what... that it doesn't matter?

Of course if I do the later I'll have to edit myself for a while blog-wise. Unless he stops reading.. which would probably be the right thing to do on his part.

All of this, of course, is based on the idea that he needs to be done with me. All the speculation on my part might be for nothing. But my fear makes it something. And something to think about.

Meanwhile, I drank half a Monster Khaos and it's making me caaaaaaaaaaaaarazy energetic. I have a rat cage to clean, boyeeeee. And then... well... I don't know. But I guess I just need to get away from the computer and try not to speculate anymore. Because the way my mind goes straight for the worst things... it just hurts me and I'd rather NOT spend the day on the verge of tears.