Pleading.

This morning Keith caught me off guard during a conversation. Pretty much every morning is started with me coming down stairs and flipping on the computer screen in the hopes that I will see Keith's name in bold saying he's on instant messenger. More often than not he isn't there. But I always check. And more often than not he appears sometime after I do.

This morning was no different and it wasn't too long after I got up that he showed up. We chatted for a long while. About all the things we do. Since he reads this blog I always feel like he KNOWS what my day as been. Maybe not the "normal" things that happen... but I don't think too much about the "normal" things. Just the things that excite me.

Knowing that he reads my blog has been very strange. I've tried very hard NOT to change the things I think and write about. Except of course some of it HAS changed just a little. However, entries like this one are written my to "you" the same "you" I've been writing to since I was 11. Whomever "you" is I'll never know... but there's not too much point in hiding from "you."

So there we were chatting it up, talking about our lives, dreams, desires, and needs. When he asks me out of the blue: you would never marry me right?

I sat there staring at the screen. Because... what was I supposed to think? Of course I'm married. I really don't want to get divorced (though every day I feel it becomes a little more inevitable) so ... could I? Maybe. Maybe not.

And as I watch my marriage slowly doing it's best to fail I think "why in the world would I put myself into this situation AGAIN?!"

On the other hand... well... I'm a hopeless romantic. And while I never in a million years believed in even the possibility of my current marriage failing, I do believe strongly in the possibility of any marriage to anyone else (but certainly to Keith) failing miserably. However, there's always that light of hope that somehow this beautiful, sexy, caring man could be the person who lights up my life and makes me a better person than I am now.

Meanwhile, Keith is waiting for an answer and I just have no idea what I should respond to that. So I come up with "what's the right answer there, sport?" And I realize I know know the answer.

Would I marry him? Yes. I can see myself married to him. I can see all the romantic, lovely parts of a relationship with him. But should I? Oh, almost certainly not. I would.

So, yeah. I couldn't answer the question. Because there IS no right answer. And I want to tell him what he wants to hear because I'm not sure it really truly matters in the grand scheme of things.

Or maybe it does. So I pleaded the 5th.

But I guess now he really knows the truth.