Little Things

For some reason, maybe because I saw him for the first time in weeks and we talked for a long time, I keep thinking about Sam. Oh, beautiful, beautiful Sam. Damn him. Damn that man to hell. I have much lust and longing for him. He remains as beautiful as any man needs to be. I told him today that I wouldn't be back for almost a whole week. He asked why and I told him that it was because I was scheduled elsewhere, but I'd be back, of course. He told me he'd see me then. I fucking hate it when he does that. Because then he doesn't show up and I get mad. Gotta stop caring. I just gotta.

I was thinking about when I was Keith. I have been off and on all day. Little things. Thinking about how fucking good it feels to get laid... and to get laid WELL... by someone who wants to do it. I was thinking about how it would feel to wake up next to someone and be able to reach for them and have them respond... how it feels to go to work later, memories still vivid....

I was thinking that as I get older I might actually be getting... better looking? I don't know. It has something to do with leaving behind inexperience and gaining the fullness of life. Not that I'm rushing towards wrinkles, but I can see that I'm getting older in my features. And while I'm not thrilled, I'm not horrified. I just feel curiously confident.

The other night I experienced one of the oddest sensations. I can't remember the last time I felt quite the same way. I was horny as hell but even after I came I wasn't satisfied. I sat there, clutching my chair arms, thinking I wanted to be hurt. I wanted someone to give me pain to release... what ever it was that was so tense and achey inside me. In that moment I seriously considered that I wanted to get my clit hood pierced. Preferably right then. However, being 1 am that was easier thought than done, so I stayed where I was. And masturbated again. I watched a couple of porn movies which showed some violent, selfish use of the lead ladies... and thought about what it'd be like. Would that be enough? I finally came again, and found myself no more satisfied than I was before.

I mentioned my desire for some sensation play to one of the guys I've been thinking about seeing and he was not enthused. Which in a way is good. Too much excitement scares me off a little. But he was quite cold to the idea. Dammit.

I woke up in the morning and had the pleasure of chatting with Keith. Keith talked about me topping him and I was busily wishing to god someone would top ME. I was actually thinking a lot of things but my taste for some pain, some kind of loss of control remains strong in my mouth.

I need. I need. I need.

Hopefully as my period ends this need for torment will go right along with it and I'll be the sweet, gentle girl I was just a few short days ago.