I was really really drunk. And watching Supertroopers with my husband. And thinking about Keith. So far away. And realizing so much of what I think we have IS fantasy. A wonderful sexual, delightful fantasy... but a fantasy none the less.
I'm not sure what to do with myself but I can't hold on to him forever. No matter how much I want to. I don't talk to husband about Keith. Like, EVER. Except on a "friendly' level. Because what else do we have? There's no talk of my feelings for him. I'm not stupid.
However, the damage has maybe been done. That there is even a threat that I would go... well... it changes both him and I. But maybe not in a bad way. Maybe in a way that things need to change.
In real life... in my conscious, thoughtful mind I know I can't be with Keith. Day to day I'd go INSANE. Being drunk somehow made that clear to me as I sat with husband nearby, thinking that there was no fucking way I could really LIVE with Keith.
Which doesn't make the fantasy.. the connection any easier to ignore. But... well... maybe it's time to wake up from the dream a little.
I've been talking at length about giving up sex again, for a while. Like I did last year around this time. Granted that was based on a traumatic incident... this would be a conscious decision to just... let it go. To crave what I crave and want what I want.. and just... let things be.
On the other hand, I can't wonder if ten years from now I'd regret letting all this time pass without any growth in that area.
I'm clearly confused. And so fucking lonely.
I don't know what's going to happen.
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