Hmph.

No sign of Sam again, today. I can't imagine why not. Maybe I really did scare him away...

I remain painfully disappointed that Nils didn't stay and talk to me at all. I'm not sure what to make of his sullen silence. Annoying, at best. Maybe he got some bad news. After all, it's not like I'm his best friend or anything. I'm sure he doesn't feel the need to share EVERYTHING with me. But his body would be a good place to start....

Lest anyone doubt, Keith and I are still talking. Just the same as always, though I find myself trying to distance myself a little more. I'm becoming increasingly sure that I will never have the pleasure of touching him ever again. Which is really, really depressing. I go back and re-read what I wrote just after seeing him and it makes me really horny... and sad.... He insists that we will have one more time together. Whether it's a night or a week I can't say... but he insists it'll happen. I'm just not convinced. I see him getting remarried rather quickly, for some reason. And not to me. I sincerely doubt he'd cheat on his wife or even girlfriend in order to spend that long awaited night with me, no matter WHAT he says to the contrary.

The fact is, much as it wouldn't be the end of the world to me, I can't imagine that if he and I were together that he'd go out and cheat on me... so the idea of him cheating on some other woman whom he's desperately in love with seems... unlikely at best. So yeah. I'm dealing with that reality right now, too.

So I look to Nils. And I'm thinking Nils isn't capable of taking the place of Keith in a lot of ways. Nils has to be Nils and Keith has to be Keith and I have to just kind of deal with that. But it's hard. And I'm feeling very sexually and just plain MENTALLY frustrated just now....