Morning.

I woke up this morning around the same time I always do, these days. I let the dogs out and looked for Keith online. Because that's what I do. But I was very tired. So after waiting a bit I went back to bed. As I headed up there I could hear husband moving around, getting dressed. The lights were on.

"...get out of my bedroom," I told him as he finished dressing. I turned off the light.

"Are you going back to bed?" He asked.

"Yeah. So get out."

"Okay, I'm going to the gym."

I paused. Last night he'd actually invited me to go with him to the gym today. Part of me really wanted to go. Much of the rest of my is too embarassed to go workout near people who know me since the gym is right next to my work. On the other hand, having him nearby would be a major boost. Still, I was tired and didn't feel up to challenging myself both mentally and physically today.

I told him that just because I'd informed him he really needed to get back into being healthy didn't mean he needed to start TODAY. Because how better to sabotage his efforts than to ask him to stay home. I reached out and let my hands slide down his body to his cock which was soft. He shifted a little uncomfortably.

"...I just masturbated," he said. I looked at him vaguely disappointed but not surprised. "Well, I didn't know you were going to wake up horny!"

Yeah. He doesn't really know me at all....

So he went to the gym and I fell promptly asleep. Completely missing Keith who's attention I crave immensely.

Dream or no dream, I want Keith in my life. I closed my eyes and imagined what it would be like even just two years from now not even KNOWING him anymore. Having no contact... and I know exactly how it would be. Maybe how it WILL be. At this point if he ever tells me we're completely through I will literally spend the next 10 years (maybe the rest of my life) wondering about him.

It's really weird to know that about myself. I've done it with other people who've meant a lot less to me. The intensity of my feelings and my desire and curiosity about this man makes it really hard to just up and let him go or forget him. I simply won't be able to.

I need him. But I can't have him. And it's one of the worst sensations ever. Where can I find peace?