What I wrote on my break...

Nils came in today, again.  His hair done strangely.  Gelled to stick straight up.  Which is kind of normal for him.  I think he thinks it hides his rapidly receeding hairline.  However, it's grown quite a bit longer of late and starting to look a little more Kid N' Play-ish.  Which was really really really hard for me NOT to comment on.  He's also growing his mustache back out.  Or maybe his arm gets tired before he gets to shaving that part.  Regardless, it's just not a good look for him in my opinion.  Although it's still really hard to resist him.

We chatted quite a bit.  About nothing, as usual.  We were alone in the store for most of the time and I came THIS close to telling him exactly what I think about him.  Instead I kept my mouth shut.  Because at this point I feel it will accomplish nothing except to possibly make him uncomfortable around me.  Which is not my goal.  So... whatever.  I'm guessing the attraction will go away.  It's okay, though.  Because I've been flirting with EVERYONE lately and it's fun for all involved.

Meanwhile, I ended up talking to Keith a bunch this morning.  The first time in far too long.  I couldn't believe how much I missed him.  Part of me still thinks I'm mistaking desire for love... but... only part of me.  The scared part.  The part that isn't comfortable with what he has to offer me and what that means for my life as it is.  The rest of me, though, wants it.  Desperately.

We both remain confident that we'll get another night together.  Someday.  Because how could we not?  He told me this morning that if our third night together is anything like the other two nights he'll beg me to stay, not let me leave.  And I know what he means.  I'm still looking, still hoping for something ANYTHING that can really measure up to what I experienced with Keith... to make it okay that it's entirely possible that I'll never see him again....  Then maybe I could look at him with love and still be able to say "goodbye."  Maybe.

Anyway, it made me a little melancholy to get to talk to him again. Tonight when I get home maybe I'll wax poetic about him some more. Or maybe I'll force myself to be too busy.  Like I will make sure to be here at work for the rest of the afternoon....