Anger.

I got up at 6am. Just to see if Keith was around. He was not. Well, okay, it was actually to let the dogs out. However, it worked out nicely for the whole "checking on things" part, too. I found it quite funny that after my last post during the approximately 6 hours between my post and getting up in the morning I had ZERO readers. Nice way to make me feel really invisible. Having readers matters. Having comments... not as much. But knowing someone's even passingly interested matters to me. So yeah. There was disappointment. Apparently, I'm spoiled.

Last night when I went to bed I took my time doing my bed time thing. Brushing my teeth for a long while. Actually, that was pretty much what I did last night to get ready for bed. But with the bathroom so close to the bedroom husband surely knew what I was doing. So when I came to bed singing "closing time" because it seemed like a good idea, I wasn't really prepared for husband to throw a fit. He was pissed. I crawled into bed and tried to remember the rest of the lyrics of the song as he continued his fit. "I'm TURNING it OFF," he said, bitchily, his breathing heavy, his movements sharp. I have no idea why he was mad. It's not like we don't have two TVs and the ability to move the PS2 up and down the stairs. It's not like the thing's glued next to the TV upstairs or anything. Hell, I'm the one that moved it up there so I could watch a movie when husband was hogging the downstairs TV last month.

With his game saved he went to the bathroom. I assumed he was going to come to bed, so I called the other dog who was not yet in bed. The thing is the four of us (the two dogs and the two humans) all have names (or nicknames) that end in a "i" sound and have two syllables. So when I called the dog, husband yelled "what?!?" from the bathroom. I listened for the dog but didn't hear him coming so I repeated calling him for both of their benefits and I heard husband curse in the bathroom (although at the time I wasn't sure if he'd said anything his next actions made it clear that I had heard him cursing). He apparently quickly finished what he was doing (though I didn't know it at the time) and came stomping out of the bathroom and into the bedroom just as the dog arrived. I proceeded to pet the dog and call him a good boy for coming. It was about that time husband probably figured out I had NOT been calling him.

With my two doggies, I rolled into my sleeping position and closed my eyes. I finally figured out at that moment that husband was not coming to bed but could hear him hovering behind me. "Could you turn off the light, please?" I asked.

"Don't you want a kiss?" he responded.

Now, I don't know about anyone else, but if he's going to act like a complete ass for the preceeding five minutes... no... no I don't fucking want a kiss. I want an apology and I want it to never happen again. However, in the entire time we've been married for the last (almost) seven years every night we've been together we've had our "tucking in" ritual wherein the last thing we do before either of us goes to bed is give the other a kiss. I can probably count on my fingers how many times we've been together and NOT done that. It's just what we DO.

So I told him "No." And he left, turning out the light.

This morning he'll get up. And he'll act as if nothing is wrong. (Or since, he'll be tired he'll wander around the house angry.)

He surely spends a lot of his time angry. But the whys of it are some sort of giant secret. Because I ask. All the time. And my asking only makes us both more angry. When I call him on his anger sometimes, he informs me that he's NOT angry. Recently after he'd sighed about something and been very curt, I asked why he was angry and he stomped off, offended and angry telling me "I just DON'T understand you."

He's not a violently angry man by any means. He throws his quiet little fits. Near as I can tell about NOTHING. I may be doing something which is actually annoying and actually pisses him off... but he'll never tell me. I think it took him years to tell me that when I called him a "liar" it pissed him off. I stared at him blankly when he told me that because never in my life have I actually thought he was a liar, about anything. Ever. I was teasing. Each and every time. I told him that and I could tell he felt really stupid about it. The few times I've mistakenly called him a liar since then I've been embarrassed and apologized immediately and he's laughed it off because now it's kind of funny to him and he's embarrassed that he ever took it seriously.

All I can figure is whatever it is NOW... it's merely a communications thing. Maybe he didn't like me being indirect in telling him to take his ass downstairs and let me get some sleep. Maybe he hates my singing (I wouldn't blame him). Maybe he was frustrated with the game and his anger spilled out onto me. Whatever the fuck it was, he won't tell me. So I get to spend my life walking around like I'm on fucking egg shells because god knows it's always a nice surprise to approach him and discover he's angry about... well... something.