Photograph.

I got a recent photograph of my mother from a relative, recently. I haven't seen her since I was about 13. When she didn't send me a birthday card or even call it broke my heart. That's when I knew I never wanted to see her again. Who forgets her own child's birthday so completely? I never heard from her again.

However, I have been recently staying vaguely in touch with the family via my uncle. Mostly, I resent that entire side of the family for so completely abandoning us. (When I got up to make breakfast after writing that last sentence it occured to me that they really did abandon us completely. If any of my foster brothers or sisters had children who were put into foster care I cannot imagine any of the others wouldn't choose to take responsibility for those children as quickly as possible. My mother's family... pretended we didn't exist.) So I rarely, if ever, share news of my life with him because I don't want it getting back to my mother or grandmother.

So my uncle sent me a recent photograph of my mother. I think she was around my age NOW when she had me. Which would make her about 55 (or a bit less, maybe). Looking at her photo I realized "that's me in another 25 years". Maybe not exactly. But close enough. She looks just like her mother and both my sister and I look just like her. And I find that fact disturbing. To so completely resemble someone I loathe.

Which means now I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that I'm vain and I think I'm pretty... and yet I don't think she is. Or ever was. Other than just not thinking about it, I don't know how I'm supposed to hold on to what little ego I honestly have about my looks and know that I look like HER.

I'm frustrated. I feel the exact opposite of sexy. I want, mostly, to lay in bed and cry. Though I won't. I won't. Dammit.

Who knew one stupid photo could have such a terrible effect?