Canceled.

As we know I was mostly getting together with Troy in an effort to prove something. To myself. To the world. To him. Something.

And then he sent me a message to let me know something had come up and I would need to cancel the hotel reservation.

Why am I not surprised? His excuse is valid. I have no reason to doubt or resent his canceling the plans in so far as he goes. That's fine. I get it.

But from a personal point of view... What. The. Fuck.

I could not be more... ugh. Disappointed. Or depressed.

I really need to give up on men for a while.

But then I was thinking. DJ wanted to get us a cheap hotel room. I don't know what cheap hotel room is for him... but half a slightly more expensive hotel room might equal the same as a cheap one and I'm thinking going halfsies isn't a bad idea. It's not an "all the time" kind of thing. I really want an "all the time" kind of thing. But... fuck.... what's a girl to do?

Did I mention I turned off my profile on AFF? I was thinking I might as well turn it back on, because what do I have to lose by leaving it up? But... eh. I don't even feel like going through the excitement/disappointment over the quality of men expressing interest in me. It's much easier to just leave it alone for a while.

The other morning I took some photos of myself. I sent Keith one or two of my favorites, unannounced. And have heard nothing back. It could be he hasn't seen them. But how would I know? So I find myself hurt by it. Because I'm feeling very raw right now. He may very well have not seen the e-mail. Maybe it never even made it to him. But the not knowing is almost worse than knowing he saw them and is simply not responding. Actually, I'm not sure about that. So I keep finding ways to distract myself so I stop thinking about it. And him... because it sure doesn't feel like he's thinking about me. Which is FINE. Except... in my heart it's not so fine.

So. Yeah. Plans are canceled. And that's that, isn't it?