I'm seriously considering that I might need to change my damned blog name to semper asexualis. Because I'm way frustrated. I mean, if I look back on my sex life in the last couple of months I guess I've done okay for myself in so much as I've had some kind of sexual contact each month... but you know... not enough for me. Not what I want. And it's way fucking frustrating.
After several days of NOTHING I've decided to give up on AFF for now. It brings me people like Spencer who clearly aren't there to DO anything. Or Troy who's there to please himself and damn the women anyway. No thanks.
Of course there's poor DJ whom I blew off... and not in a way he'd like. If I persued that one a little harder I'd surely get an opportunity (again) to crawl into bed with him. But I can't help but be uninspired by the thought of yet another semi-one night stand. It's better than nothing but... but.... Just not enough for me.
Same thing with EB. I adore EB. But he's just not as readily available as I like a man to be. If I weren't so insecure I could surely manage some kind of regular sex with him, but I just don't handle rejection very well right now. Nevermind how happy I am to pass it out to others. So I don't want to hear "not tonight, honey, I have-" whatever. Not from anybody.
I keep looking at my husband with lust in my eyes, again. And I know better. I find myself curling my hands into balls rather than reach for him because I cannot handle the rejection anymore. I could do it. But I've spent enough nights crying about it in the last year that I just don't feel the need to put myself back in that situation. The fact that he never reaches for me anymore is a strong indication that my choices are right.
Which isn't to say he isn't physically affectionate. He wasn't, but he's improved. Sometimes he lays down with me for a few minutes when he comes home and I'm napping. Or he'll invite me to cuddle with him just before he goes to sleep. Sometimes he comes over and rubs my neck. It's something more than nothing. I appreciate it. But it's always on his terms. ALWAYS. It probably always will be, too.
Oh, and last time I got "talk" to Keith I told him I love him, as I always do. The truth, afterall. He told me something like "goodnight." Maybe I've held on too long to my dream that is him.
But god damn I ache. Inside and out.
I'm ashamed I didn't go to the gym today. We had a late dinner and it just didn't mesh. My legs are sore from working out yesterday and I swear to god I'll be going tomorrow. But I just feel like I've let myself down.
