Oh Keith and other things.

It's been days. Days and days since I've heard from him. No sign. Nothing. Just... poof... gone. I let it go. I can't stalk the poor man. No matter how important he is to me I simply can't pretend I own him. I have to let him have his own life. I don't want to be clingy.

But my god it's been one of the hardest things, ever, to deal with. I had no idea. Part of me accepts that he's too busy to pay attention to me. The rest of me has been horribly, bitterly sad and lonely. ... I think I need him.

I talked to my coworker about going overseas at some point. I have the opportunity to go overseas basically doing the same thing I'm doing now but in a delighful place where there are few women and many, many horny men. This does NOT strike me as a bad idea. Especially if I continue to lose weight. Oh my. I've wanted to go do this thing for a couple of years but have felt like my life holds me back from doing so. But once we move back home... well... there are fewer restrictions on me because I'd feel less guilt about leaving husband alone.

I bring this up because Keith has talked about going to the desert and some part of me has romantic visions of getting to be there with him.

Or maybe this is something I could just do alone. Because... well... maybe it's something I need to do for myself. To have this experience of being so far from home, alone somewhere foreign. Really live a different life for 6 months or a year.

Anyway. I miss him. And I'm kind of embarrassed how very much I miss him. But I do. And I shouldn't. I mean... things have to be in perspective.

Also, husband and I both read Savage Love religiously. Of late, there have been several articles mentioning couples which have very different sex drives. Not to mention the phrase "dump the mother fucker already." I said something to husband, tonight, about that. He asked me which mother fucker I was talking about. I touched his face and smiled tenderly.

We're getting to the point where we really should think about buying a new car. If we do, we'll surely have to make payments on it for at least a year. Probably two. The only reason I'm not more strongly suggesting we go that route... I'm just not convinced we should be engaging in any long term financial contracts together. I don't think he knows these things are really, seriously in my thoughts. I don't usually even acknowledge them to myself. Because I'm scared. Really scared.

Who knows what's going to happen?

Anyway. I guess I'm just venting. Always with the venting.