Thoughts

One of the drawbacks of having a blog is the ability to go back and re-read entries and instantly be transported back to that moment inside my head. I reread the one entry about Keith that I have in the sidebar and everytime I read it I have to calm myself. And not cry. Because it makes me want to. My god. How could it have been like that? How can I find that again!??

Next subject....

The Budweiser delivery guy came in today. I don't remember what he looks like since I like... never see him. However, he remembers me. So I asked him, as I often do, for free samples. And got none. "If I got free samples I'd probably drink them all first," he told me. I looked sad, "none for me?" "Well, maybe I'd save a few for you." I laughed at him for that and said "I SO don't believe you."

Later on I found myself wondering what he'd say to the fact that I don't remember what Budweiser tastes like. And that the last time I remember drinking it was the night I lost my virginity and that I hadn't drunk it since. Which is actually not true, but so far as he'd know it would be. I'm seriously curious what he'd say to that.

I think the vendor for Grizzly chewing tobacco was flirting with me today, too. Which was really odd. I kept having to ask myself "is he being dirty?!?" It was funny. Too old for me and didn't fit into any of my "types". But it was amusing.

I keep thinking about husband and thinking that maybe life with him isn't so bad. Like when he came in and helped me cook dinner. I like sharing those things with him. Especially when I'm super tired. It's when I find myself leaning willingly against him, caressing his shoulders, back, and neck... pressing kisses along bare flesh... and getting no response... except near complete stillness as I feel him fighting NOT to pull away or react negatively.... Then I don't think things are so good.

I never ask for sex anymore. I never press the issue. If I kiss him, if I touch him, it's NEVER EVER with the intention of pressing him for sex. I've pretty absolutely accepted that my sex life my husband is completely over. But that doesn't mean I don't still need the physical affection. Which is, I guess, so completely what I'm searching for elsewhere. The entire "relationship" feel of sex and touching without having to deal with the mental bonds.

Although I managed to stumble into that whole thing with Keith, somehow. Except... he's... so... not there anymore... and it breaks my heart to even think about it. SO I don't, too much. I can't... I must not....

So the newest notch in my belt might just be that cop-ish guy on the other side of the city I've mentioned once or twice. Should he earn the right to a nickname I think I've decided on Spencer for him. He might not pick it for himself, but... well... he doesn't get to pick... does he? Or Should he. I wonder what he'd choose for himself, given the chance? Or maybe Tripp. Tripp is a good one.... oooh.... Anyway, we might very well be getting together this weekend. How that will go, I cannot say. But if there's anything between us... well... we'll surely have sex. Because... why the hell not?

I told him of the curse of the blog and he thinks he'll be the one to lift it. We'll see. I'm betting one of us will DIE before the damned curse will let go of its hold on me.....